smallminded;

今天，我很开心。

因为我昨天终于找到我一直都想找到的答案。

人海茫茫，要找到真诚的朋友真的好难好难。这十八年一来，我学到的东西真的很多。须如此，我一直都想放弃。因为，要走的路真得很长。我也很累。该哭的时候我也哭过了。该笑的时候我也笑了。但，有时我真的很恨我自己。也许吧。

其实，我真的很希望从今天开始，我能够永远永远的很 " 开心 "。我要悲伤和愤怒永远的消失。不知你有听说过这个故事吗?也许它是真的也说不定。

网上流传已久，已经不知道它的出处跟作者 很喜欢其中一句话： 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」

倘若你爱上一个人， 千万别装作无所谓毫不在乎。错过了，就没有了。爱情，玩不起心理战的。


<树>
高中三年交过五个女朋友，有一个女孩子，我很爱她，却迟迟不敢追, 她没有美丽的面孔，没有姣好的身材，没有撩人的魅力，一个再平凡不过的女孩子。 我喜欢她，真的真的很喜欢她，喜欢她的单纯，她的直率，她的可爱，她的脆弱。不追她的原因，也许是潜意识觉得平凡如她配不上我； 也许是因为怕在一起后，一切好感都会消失； 也许是怕外人的指指点点伤害了她；也许是觉得，她会是我的，不急着为了她而放弃一切。最后这个原因，让她陪了我三年，让她看着我和别的女孩子厮混了三年，让她心痛了三年。她很想当一个好演员，但我却像一个严苛的导演。

我和第二个女朋友在厕所接吻，被她撞见，她尴尬的笑笑说：「Go on！」 然后跑掉，第二天，她眼睛肿得像核桃 一样，我故意不去猜想是谁让她哭成这样，嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家后，在教室哭了起来，她不知道练球回来拿东西的我，看了她一个多小时。我的第四个女朋友，一直很不喜欢她，有次她们两个吵了起来，我知道依她的个性不会去惹事，但我还是护着女朋友，她被我吼了一下后，愣住，眼泪滑了下来，我无视她的眼泪，陪女友走出教室，第二天，她依旧嘻嘻哈哈的和我开玩笑，我知道她很难过，但她不会知道我的心不比她好受。

当我和第五个女朋友分手时，我约她出去玩，玩了一天，我对她说：「我有事要对妳说。」

她说：「真巧，我也有事要对你说。」

「我和她分手了。」

「我和他在一起了。」

我知道「他」是谁，他追她也有一阵子了，是个蛮可爱的男孩子，活泼有趣，充满了热情，追她追得满城风雨。我不能表现自己的心痛，只能笑笑地恭喜她，但当我回到家，心中的痛楚强烈得令我无法承受，像有个千斤重的石头压在我胸口，我无法呼吸，想大叫却叫不出来，眼泪竟然滑了下来，我掩面大哭，多少次，我也看着她为了那个不愿承认的人掩面大哭。

毕业典礼时，我在手机上发现了一封简讯，这是十天前，我掩面大哭时传来的，只是我一直没有去开过机。 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」


<叶子>
高中时，喜欢搜集叶子，why？因为我觉得，一片叶子要离开它长期依赖的树好勇敢哩！高中三年，我和一个男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那种好，是好朋友那种好，但是，在他交第一个女朋友时，
我学会了一种不该有的感觉，吃醋，心中的酸，不是一颗柠檬可以比喻，那就像是100颗臭酸的柠檬，酸到不行，他们只在一起两个月，当他们分手，我还得掩饰自己心中强烈的喜悦，但是一个月后，他和另一个女孩子在一起。

我喜欢他，也知道他喜欢我，可是，他为什么总是不追我呢？明明喜欢彼此，为什么不行动？每当他交一个女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打击，让我不禁怀疑，是我一厢情愿吗？不爱我，为什么要对我那么好？他对我的好，已经不是普通朋友可以做到。喜欢一个人，好难过，我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的习惯，唯独他对我的感觉，我猜不透，难道要我这个女孩子去开口吗？

尽管如此，我还是想在他身边，关心他，陪他，爱他，也许算是一种等待的行为，等待他回来爱我，
就像每天晚上等他的电话，等他的简讯，我知道，就算他再忙，也会拨出一些时间给我。这样的等待，陪了我三年，等待是难熬的，是令人想放弃的，但等到的那一剎那，让人第二天会继续等下去。这样的煎熬，这样的痛苦，这样的幸福，这样的矛盾，陪了我三年。

直到三年级下学期，高二一个学弟喜欢上我，每天的热情追求，令我从一开始的拒绝，渐渐愿意挪出我心房的一些位置给他。他像一阵温柔而持久的风，撩拨我这片摇摇欲坠的叶子，到最后，我发现我已经不想只留一点点的位置给这阵风，我知道这阵风，会带我这片伤痕累累的叶子，到更幸福的地方。

于是我离开了树，树只是笑笑，没有挽留。 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」


<风>
因为我喜欢的女孩子叫叶子，因为她有一棵令她依恋的树，所以我要当一阵风，一阵呵护她的风。

第一次看见她，是高二我转来一个月后的事，个子小小的她坐在球场旁，一双眼凝视着同和我在球场的学长，每天的社团时间，她总会坐在那里，一个人，和朋友，她的眼光依旧凝视着他，当他和女孩子打打闹闹，她的眼中有泪，当他看向她，她的眼中有笑。看她成了我的习惯，就像她爱看他。

有一天她没来，我心中没来由的焦虑与不安，我无法解释那种感觉，除了不安，还是不安，而且那学长竟然也不在。我冲去他们教室，躲在外面，看着学长骂她，她的眼泪，他的离去。第二天，她依旧坐在场边，看着他，我走过去，对她笑一笑，拿了张纸条给她，她先是惊讶的看着我，然后笑笑地收下。

隔天，她拿着纸条出现在我面前，然后离开。 「叶子的心太沉重，风吹不动。」

「不是叶子的心太沉重，是叶子根本就不想离开树。」

我回给她这段话后，她渐渐会和我说话，收我的礼物，接我的电话。我知道她喜欢的不是我，
但我还是有毅力一定要让她喜欢上我，四个月内我告白了不下20次，每一次她都转移话题，但我还是不会放弃，我决定要的人，我就一定会给它追过来！

一直到不知道第几次的告白，出了口，虽然知道她一定会又说到别的事，但还是有一丝丝希望她的答应，没想到她都不说话，「妳在干嘛？怎么不说话？」我对着话筒说。「我在点头。」「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。 「我在点头！」她大声叫。 我甩掉电话，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了机车，冲去她们家按门铃，当她开门的那一剎那，紧紧抱住她。

「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」


那, 你是树，叶子还是风呢?

Maybe you might think you have done nothing much. But.. To me, it's more than enough. You are the ones who enlightened me somehow. I have aims and goals in life now. I hope the world will be a happier place for everyone. But I suppose there are no guarantees in anything. So my fingers are crossed, everyday.

Last but not least, I would like to say 'sorry' to my parents, especially my mother. I hope she talks to me soon.

Mui sama. Florence. Alvin. Derrick Wan. Marky aka chiong. Quan. Xiang. Ryan. William. Dean. Oliver. Grace. Poova. Xin Yi. Tin Song. Soo Hoon. Soon Lee. Joannie. Han Sheng. Kelvin. Huda. Hui Huan. Gerry. Nurul. Yana. Wei Xin. Ivan. Linda. Fu Xian. Yim Wen. Li Khoon.

Dear God,

It has been a long, long time ever since I last talked to u. So.. How are you?

As usual, life is normal for me. I mean it has always been like this, isn't it? My life does not have much colour days. 'Cos those sweet memories are erased and threw away ages ago. One word - LOL.

"Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and that feels right.".

So.. What exactly am I going to feel?

Beats me.

I believe in you, dear god. I believe in the state and identity I'm blessed with, right now. I'm happy that you blew life in my presence and allowed me to have a taste of living in reality. Many things are quite soul damaging, I supposed. All along, I knew nothing was perfect. However so, I'm just sorry that I can't stay with you anymore. Maybe just for this while? Or rather, forever? I really, really don't know. I'm not sure if you are with me or have always been.

To me, I'm still coping as much as possible. Like before, I'm still living. And.. I have also been fighting hard all my life, every step and inch of the way. There was not a single day in my life that I was not conscious of this inner battle. I have been my own warrior, fighting, choosing to fight, only to discover that I'm my own enemy. I fought against myself and tried not to be me, but above all, I don't believe. I can't even bring up a self-defence.

The burning question is.. Am I really that weak?

I know I have been making the same resolutions all over and over again. I'm also aware that I keep emphasizing on 'inferiority complex'. And.. Once again, I keep repeating myself. I can't help by doing so. It's like so.. Grr, forget it la.

Perhaps I'm most probably diagnosed with obsessive complusive disorder. I'm really one who think a lot. I'm really one who is more perfectionist than others. I'm just so - myself. I keep worrying all day and night. I get panic easily. I'm just so paranoid. Perhaps my character would be witnessed as a weakness or a disease, but I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer make this life livable unless I come to terms with.. me.

I had make myself understand. I have a mission and that is to make things clear to myself. I must be confident of myself. If not, I will never be happy. I will forever and ever be sad. Gloomy days will be what I received. No.. That isn't what I yearn for. Never..

God, you know how hard I have fought. I know a few words to express them. My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of your identity. But I know you hear me when I used to pray to you. I know you hear me when I used to sing to you, or about you. I know you grew with me every step, every inch of the way when I used to follow you. I had hoped that I will not regret this decision I have made.

"I have tried and perserved, now I have lost. If indeed defeat is what I must accept, then I will readily do so, but I will not, and I refuse, to come to a stage where I must fight and in the end only to find that the only way to emerge as a winner is end your precious gift, life itself."

That was the past. Or, when I'm thinking insensibly.

Often, I hear them saying people like me live in a closet. To a certain degree it is true, but I know I'm not alone. I just know. After all, this closet that I'm living in is not so small. I hope I'm right. Really. Even if I'm not, I don't even know if I should care anymore or not. I'm really at a loss, now.

God, your holy forgiveness is imperative for all the indulgences that I will partake in the future. But.. Should you fail to find it in your faith to forgive me, then I fully understand. I won't blame you at all. I mean I don't even have the right to. Perhaps I have failed you, and indeed if somehow you have stopped to love me the way I had always believed you did, then I hold myself to blame. I deserved everything, I should say. I'm the guilty one. I do not expect you to love me still. You are the almighty Lord. I'm just an ordinary folk. Nothing more.

Last night, I had a combinations of weird dreams. I dreamt that I was back in the past, again. I was inside my collections of memories. Eventually, I saw how I rose from level 0 to level 1,000 and back to -1, again. And also, how my so-called friends all walked out of me, then. Hence, I never trust this sentence again, "Never leave me in the lurch.".

To me, it's just a bullshit sweeping statement. It's just a clinque that people use. That's all. It means nothing. There's no purpose and hope in those. So you see God, I'm really living in a much smaller closet tahn before, and now I feel as though the walls are closing in 'cos I realise that, like my those friends, you could turn your back on me, too. Nevertheless, I still have my family. I'm not alone. I'm with you. You did choose me.

I thought lots about where my soul will finally be in the afterlife, but each time I think about that, I realise that I'm here, now. This is all I know. There is simply just fear every time I think of afterlife, but there is also reasoning of what is here and now. I used to have someblody who made my existence less unneccessary. Sad to say, he's not around anymore now. He had given me more reasons to laugh. He had made my happiness more apparent. I was happy, then. Even though it has been nearly 5 years, I have overcome the aftermath. I'm not like you God. I'm just merely a human being.

I just need a bit more time.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine. People smile when they reminisce their good, old times. Maybe, just maybe, I'm so tired right now. I will be alright after a long sleep.

As usual, I have been thinking about many things. Some important, some trivial. I thought about the sky and the ozone layer and I realised that if we don't recycle or do anything; if we carry on with some of our careless acts, we will contribute to the damage in our sky. We will be the dead ones in the long run. I get so worked up when I think about this. In the end, i just dismiss them. I don't know since when did I become so 'environmental' conscious. Perhaps it's just for show?

Beats me.

Oh God, I know I'm being messy here and there. But, I just want to copy and paste all my random thoughts down here. If not, I will go berserk soon. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be able to hold your lover's hand in public. I have toyed with images of me and putting my arms around guys' shoulders in public over a million times. It worked, in my mind, it really worked. But in real life, I shrugged at the sight or thought of it. I seem to be paranoid over relationships. It is not fair. I did not used to be like this. After all, it has been a long time since that incident. Yet, I fails to ward it off my mind. I do feel like crying.

It's like.. I can never be spared. But, why?

Why is it like for me, only? Why am I feeling so terrible now? Why do I have to go throught these? Why? Why? Why?

Again and again, I ask myself, what more could I have done? How do I avoid those misleading thoughts? I'm not guilty. I'm just scared. I just wish, maybe, I should never meet him or anybody else. At least, I will have more freedom. I will be happier, I know. I can't really explain why. I wonder if my presence make any differerence.

My God, my dearest God, if only you could offer more answers. If only I could know what's in store for me. If only there was a way to find out how you feel about me, too. Am I believer of yours? I have no comments on that. You must be angry with me. You must be furious, but what is there to say or do? You know me. You know how I fought. What else is there to do? Sometimes, it feels as though asking for forgiveness is deemed unfair when you know very well what you have done and will do it again is wrong to you. But I'm alove. How else can I handle this? Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I can't help myself, sometimes I don't want to live like this. But I will not look back 'cos when I do, I know that things weren't much better then.

Neither do I regret being alive, nor having you bestowing upon me those unrequitted battles in life. I have to face everything all by myself. I have nobody else to depend on. The time has come to re-evaluate all that I have done and decided. Yes God, I do regret all the undesirable acts I have done in the past, in whatever forms. Only I know what I have done. I shall not speak about them anymore. Once again, I'm before you oh God, I want to return to my life.

I'm prepared to face those obstacles, relentlessly. Smack me right back in guts to make me sure. Mould me into someone I never taught I would be. Pretty please.

These weeks passed like waterfalls. But, I'm really feeling fine. I have learnt lots over this weekends. Perhaps I'm just too cramped up inside my mind. It's time for a rest. I enjoyed myself with Derrick and gang. Somehow, I changed and made up my mind. Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of it, of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and it feels right. It's like.. Either way I lose. But, NO. That's wrong. I can't think like this.

I'm feeling small and sad. I feel my heart diminishing. I cry in moments to come. The main reason is I didn't let myself go. I actually held myself captive for I know that is beyond me. I refused, denied and made me made myself. I gave myself tradegies I cannot withdraw from. So I have decided, with conviction, I want to let myself go, out of my heart and mind. I want to be happy, that's all I want.

Looking back, I can't say that I might have done anything differently, but experiences have made me wiser, and I would like to think that I'm now indeed wiser and more in control of myself and my indulgences. Like, I'm more intensely in touch with my senses. I'm more familiar with myself. I know myself better now. I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm capable of handling.

I sighed a second ago. I have me. That's all. That's ok. That's enough.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I will another love, maybe not. But I know I will be all right, 'cos for me, I'm all that I have. And.. That's good.

That's great.

I have decided to write everything in one shot. Now, I know how hard it is to pacify babies. Imagine I had to juggle 2 at the same time? One word - GONER. I think I'm getting old. I keep getting the backaches and strains easily. I just can't get enough sleep. Unlike most others, I usually don't sleep later than 23 30. Normally, the bunking time will be 20 00. But.. Why? Why do I still feel so tired? Seriously, I think I'm dying. Oh well. Anyway, I just realised something. Many of the people around me are also depressed. Why is it so? Yet, it's just so common to have people breaking down now. I mean, it's sooner or later. Could it be the weather? Or the approaching terrifying exams? Or relationships? Or CCAs, like me? Or what? To me, I can't help by feeling weak. I think I need support. If not, I will break all of my remaining bones. I'm just so darn tired. Nowadays, I'm not writing as graceful as before. I used to think that I'm good. Now, I beg to differ. Indeed, there are really other much more rigid and successful writers. I'm just yet, one ordinary folk. "Aiya, never mind la. I'm used to it, le. It's ok." Oh well. No comments. Somehow, I feel like falling in love, all over again. But.. I just can't find back that feeling anymore. I feel numb. Ever since that incident, I think I have become more sensitive and paranoid. Maybe I have lost hope in myself. If only time could turn back.. However so, I'm not sad. I just missed that feeling. I long for those tender care and concerns. I know there's really nothing I can right now. I know that. I'm just trying to express my thoughts out. I think I'm a fool. All along, the olden days I had seem to be dreams. Till now, I have not woken up. I still think that there's no reality. I refused to go back to the present. I prefer to float in the midst of everything. I want to wander around first, alone. I really don't know what I want to do. I'm just a grumblymon. As lovely to my mui sama and flora lady. How I wish I can be together with the one I like. How I hope I can be classmates with my own friends. How I pang for that holiness over our generations. How I long for that speedy recovery of ah gong. How I imagine myself cutting people. How I laugh at my numerous attempted suicides incidents. How I jeer at the cruelty of others towards the weaker society secretly. How I hide my journals and reports of massive killings. How I think I can change everything. All these 18 years, have I been happy before? Have I had things others don't have? Since when did I start to disapprove myself? Why can't I just settle down for my own resolutions? Why am I so weak? Why do I always get abused by myself? Why do I assume people keep starting at me? Why did I allow inferiority complex to hit me down? Why can't I get up when I fall? Why can't I just be myself? Why do I like to complain this and that? Why do I like to inflict on all those bad habits? Why I keep breaking my promises? Why can't I be satisfied? Why must I always talk bad behind other people's backs? Why do I envy others for the things they have? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I have too many untied knots deep inside. I have inexplainable answers. I hold onto too much pain. I can't breath and I'm dying. I have to save myself first. I believe I'm invincible, too. I need to go off now. I'm heading my way to heaven now. I'm creating a space borders for myself. I will need to be a better off human. I will need to. I just need to. I want my mama, papa, sheng and guo to rejoice over me, too. I want to hear claps of goods. I want the bad to lose. Yes they will win. The good will win the war. Forever and ever and ever and ever more. Call me a Fool for a Fool I am and a Fool I will always be In my adolescents I packed my possessions into a bagand set out on a journeyto discover the destiny awaiting me wide-eyed naive a foolish little girl brimming with hope starved for adventure often too busy daydreaming to watch my wandering step dare I lose my footing or find there is no ground to stand upon only space to fall It seems I have beaten you to the punch there is no ledge from which to push me for I long since stepped over its edge Now I plummet endlessly caught in this limbo of a free fall where I learn my lessons the hard way while doomed to repeat my mistakes You burned me but I leapt back into the fire She scarred me but I left my wounds exposed They suffocate me but I am holding my breath and praying that when I reach the bottom of this chasm I will land on both my feet and saunter away from this pilgrimage understanding better the World beyond a Fool’s fate. Life, she took a deep breath and held it Left me standing at the crossroads waiting for the exhale That gale of hers that is supposed to show me the wayShe is turning blue in the facewhile I pace myself into tiny circles of self-doubt It is hard to wait for your queue when you have memorized your lines I am tired of staring at the back of a curtain Act One, Scene One! It is a tragedy we all know by heart The Merry Fool - played best by yours truly is too distracted by daydreams of What Could Beto notice the cliff from which she is about to fall Sometimes, they call that innocence but I am too old for such optimism This is a low budget production There are no stuntmen, no safety nets to save me now Instead, I prowl the borders of a self-made ground zero until the curtain falls and the stage lights pale I am standing at the crossroads of yet another new beginning I am waiting for Life to exhale. Silence. I need silence. I have one of those minds that jump from thought to thought as easily as a bird flies from treetop to treetop. My mind is always looking for a distraction: something to do, something to think, something to write, something to shout. If my environment is full of stimuli than my brain will try to hog every sounds, smell, texture, taste, and sight at once making it impossible for me to focus on just one thing. As a result, I must isolate myself from any and all outside influence in order to write. I need to be alone with my mental outline so that I may form the ideas into sentences, verses, rhymes. Twenty feet of clear floor space. I pace. I pace when I am on the phone. I pace when I am cooking dinner. I pace when I am brushing my damn teeth. When I write and watch out. I will feverishly trek miles into the same twenty feet of carpeting in my living room as I ponder the next verse of a poem. I will walk until I am weary. Then I will sit back down at the computer, reread what I have written, and promptly begin to pace again despite the fact that my legs are sore and my feet are screaming for a rest. I don't know why I do this. Perhaps it's buried deep within my subconscious that exists the notion that if I move my physical being than my mental being will do the same. If I am exercising the body than the mind will follow and I will finally find the perfect metaphor to squeeze into verse three. FULL-STOP.

"No."

"But, why? I mean.. Just a NO would be quite a pity."

"So what?"

Honestly, I don't give a damn. I just have to put all irrelevancy behind my mind. If not, I will collapse. I simply can't afford anymore space. I'm just broke.. I'm left with nothing, now. I will still continue to walk. And this time round, I'm alone.

Nevertheless, I'm not scared.

It's not as if I will die. I can live without any dependant. In the past, I used to be the weaker type. I simply just can't take all the minor blows. Moreover, the major ones. That's the main reason I got defeated, then. But, every story has a new lead to begin, too. I will be the one to start this life's tale. I will not fall like others. I can jump with my own faith and will.

Somehow, Hao's departure made me learnt something. I can't possibly give up evrything, overnight. I had to stand on my own. I had to accept things for what they are; facts will never lie. Also, I must to understand the faces of people around me. 'Cos I ain't better myself, either. All things are possible. If you tell yourself you can do it, I believe you will. Eventually. Although I often find myself contradicting, but this belief has never drift apart. To me, I cherished every lessons I need to cope. My heart has never flew off from my future. I bear that in mind.

Sometimes, it's really you lose some, you venture some. Actually, I will be lying through my teeth blindly if I say I'm not filled with regrets for the things I had done back then. Deep inside, I still had thorns all over. I'm battered bitterly. It's a tremendous pain to lose all your so-called friends overnight. Again, you see? It's just a matter of 'overnight'. I really lose out lots. But.. I don't mind at all.

At least, I'm more independent now. I get to know people who are unique. In my own world, speciality has to be of a certain level. I'm just - happy. Since young, I don't really have any special interest or talent. 'Cos I'm always a fickle-minded girl.

All I know is that, I like Mathematics a lot. I'm not good in that. Eh.. Perhaps just a small range of sectors only? I'm not well-versed or cultivated in music, writings, sociability and as such. I'm just like what I always phrased, - an ordinary plain Jane. I just like to do things that I like. I can fall for things, easily.

I used to think love is a great thing. But.. Now? Not anymore. One will really need to consider carefully. Can you imagine just one single step you take is enough to kill? A guy might commit suicide if a girl rejects him. Guys fight among one another, just to get the girl of his dream. Parents disapprove and couples elope. Sounds dramatic huh? Yet, it's the incredible truth. It's just always something people hate to listen to.

Boys will always be boys. Girls will always be girls. They are not matured. Nobody will. Age doesn't really matter. It's just so.. Right now, there are really so many things for us to picture. Say it. Admit it. Please don't deny it. Oh well.

Ever heard this? "Don't say you love me. You don't even know me. If you really want me, then give me some time. Don't go there baby, not before I'm ready. Don't say your heart's in a hurry. It's not like we're gonna get married. Give me, give me some time.".

Moral: Nowadays, relationships don't really last. People hit on one another after knowing each other without months, shortly. Sex is common. It's just so. People go easy on characters and personalities. What matters most is - looks. That's unfair to the norm. Guys like girls who are big-eyed, long hair, cute, pretty, nice figure, smart, sporty and trendy. Girls like guys who are rich, tall, intelligent, handsome, gentleman, sweet, nice figure and fashionable.

I have absolutely no comments.

All I can say is, I'm still ok. I just don't like guys to cheat on me. Don't say things you can't do. Don't promise deals you can't make. Just don't make me feel - what I don't like to feel. But then again, my main motive GPA 3.5. I can't afford to fail. No no no.

Goodbye.

I love myself 10% more today. I'm improving.

"You're my secret hiding place, where my private thoughts are safe. And, just one look and he will see what's inside of me. What can I do? Tell me. What can I say? When do I let him know I feel the same way? How can my feelings be so hard to show whenI really want him to know? What can I do? Tell me. What can I say? When do I let him know I feel the same way? How can my feelings be so hard to show whenI really want him to know?"

I don't know when to start.

I'm so tired.

Sometimes, I really don't even bother to do anything. 'Cos there's like.. No reply?

I realised it's really not easy to be a leader. Moreover, to be a president of a visible club. Even though I'm currently just a lowly Human Resource Head, I can feel the pressure. I feel stressed. The system really ought to change. I think there are limits to one's endurance. But.. People are like just taking advantages of the things that I do.

Worse still, they don't even care.

You think peeople do?

I must understand that it's not a must to join CCA in a polytechnic. People just enter, plainly for the sake of CCA points. It's so obvious, can. I'm really tired. Why don't people just get if for goodness sake? Not everything can be bought with money. Same here, not all events have CCA points. Why can't you just come down for a NO CCA POINT event? Is it that hard? Oh well. I can die to talk to such people.

I didn't expect oo much. I merely want he or she to reply if they are interested or not. It's really so easy. It's not as if their fragile fingers will break by typing a few words. What more about the time they spent on MSN, maple story or any other 'redundant' keyboard activities? It's darn shit man. They should really go and face the wall and think about it. I really can't stand such 'materialistic' people. Honestly, I also join CCA partly 'cos of CCA points. But, I also like the events organised by thta particular CCA or club can.

At least, I'm doing something I like and can get what I want. The sense of achievement and feeling of trying something you have always want to but never had. It's great, really. I enjoyed myself at the NP-Eco camp. Underwater World is really fun and wonderful. Those Pulau Ubin chalets I had with Quan and gang are awesome, too. Ninjado teaches me in terms of mentally, physically and emotionally. Maybe I don't behave as if I learnt a lot. But indeed, I have.

All along, I picked up the leaderships and valuable friendships from others. I have become aimable. I have grown to be more myself. I allowed the society to interact more with me. I really, really learn many, many, many things. I'm thankful for all these. But.. Why? Why are some people just so different? Aha..

Right now, I will have to settle next saturday's event list. If not, I might have to forgo the cycling trip with Xiang and gang. This is so unfair. These days, I realised something. I missed out lots due to ERS commitments. I have to give up many things. I have to miss out those fun and joys. That fall from Ninjado training also leave behind many many aftermaths for me. As a result, I can't do any form of strenous physical activities. I can't even walk at a 'faster' rate. My legs really feel that sharp, acute pain somewhere below my ankle. Oh man.. I can't destress myself like the olden days. I always go and exercise alone when I'm feeling moody or stressed. Now, I juts can't do anything but grumble all day long. I feel useless, you know?

I can't take part in MDE games day. I can't play any ball games. I can't run. I can't jog. I can't sit too long. I can't stand too long. I can't even hop or skip. I can't take any cold drinks. I can't sip any F & N can drinks anymore. I can't eat things I normally eat. I simply can't do loads.

I have no desires, now, seriously. I just want the welfares of both Ninjado and ERS to be excellent. I want my leg to recover soon. I want to do sports again. I want my corn eyes to be gone. I want my kneecaps and elbows to be in good working conditions. I want to go work, again. I want to settle all personal grudges. I want to ensure I get to do the things I want. And.. last but not least, I want to do well for exams.

I want to have a better and happier future.

All the best, to myself.

I woke up feeling hard.

Recently, I'm really, really not feeling well at well. I get the slightest giddiness. Heachaches keep catching up with me, too. Often, I also feel naseous. Things are really not going right. I keep having mood swings. If you talk to me, I might even be thinking of a plot to murder you. Can you please just shut the hell up?

I'm really crazy.

I wonder what's wrong?

Seriously, I get irritated nowadays. Maybe I''m feeling stressed all over. Or rather, I'm getting tired of life. I keep asking me, ''Why, why and why?".

I'm going insane, soon.

This is very rare. I don't like myself to fly in a temper. It makes me a totally different person than before. As a result, I will be a bloody fiery girl. This is so.. Oh well.

The moment I looked around, I will just spell words under my breathe. One word. Those significantly decorated 'F' characters. I'm just getting out of hand. I'm so darn tired. Everyday, I have to wake up feeling handy. I had to ensure that I didn't forget to do something. I had check my mails at all time. I can't afford to miss out any details of ERS events. I had to confirm if there's any test on the day itself. I had to do this and that. Worse, I had to cover up for other people, too. I always had to help others. 'Cos I'm obliged to?

Friends are friends. Worse still, we are merely just acquaintances. I don't even yearn to see them. It's so darn shit. Sometimes, I really feel like killing every single of the people I don't like. I want to the slyest creature on earth. I want to create a major unforgettable tragedy in Singapore. I want everyone to remember this evil and cunning witch like me. I want to be the most despicable and vemonous character. I want to surplus and rise to the top. I am the ultimate ruler. Everyone shall die before me. They will. And they ought to.

Once again, this is just a facade. How can I possibly do all these kind of things? I just to win the government, too. I want to rule the nation. I want the next biggest shot ever. I want people to idolise me. I want people to look up, upon me. I want and I will. Right now, I am reverted back to the square. I'm not round and I will never be.

Sometimes, I simply loathe the sight of everyone. I'm just too tired to even think of them. I want myself - the one and only. I shall own everything.

I really hope to stop thinking like now. If not, I will be a most annoying person ever. I can forgo all my pride and prevent inferiority complex from overcoming me. But.. Will I be able to? I never expect I will be successful, oneday. 'Cos it's so, so, so hard. I will need tons and tons of time to do that. I will need myself to prove myself. Only I can decide my own fate. I depend on myself.

I have to stop assuming that people are looking at me evrywhere, anywhere I go. I have to stop thinking I look weird. I have to stop thinking that I'm dumb and slow. I have to stop thinking that I can't be famous. I have to stop thinking that I'm fat and useless. I have to stop thinking that I'm unattractive and pesty. I have to stop thinking I'm what I'm right now.

I JUST HAVE TO STOP THINKING THAT I'M MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF.

If not, I will always be a laughing stock 52 weeks or 365 days a year. I don't want to. Other than grumbling, I do have other qualities too. But.. It's just that you guys don't even realised yet.

"Stop hurting my feelings, will you? If not, just scram and take a look at yourselves in the mirror. Please don't drag other innocent parties like me. If you want to die, go and die alone. Nobody will care about the bitches and bastards anymore. Get the hell out. I hope you get a real fucking life out there. You guys might have all things now. But, you are losers. I hate the attitudes and manners of your life. I will stop thinking of you people. Instead, I will be a better person. I feel better after screaming at you all here. This is a private place for me to curse and swear at you."

I just thought of saying all these just now. I just get irritated at those people who think that they are always so pretty, cute or handsome. Call me petty or jealous. I don't even care. I do envy people for having a partner in their lives now. I do envy people for their smart brains. I do envy people for their looks and figures too. I do envy people for their amazing lucks too. I do envy people who have so, so, so many friends.

Just a thought.

I need to let out the inner myself, once in a while.

Tomorrow will definitely be a better day. I will tell myself from today onwards. I have a happy family. I have true friends. I have a character I like myself to have. I'm unique. I believe so. I'm already a winner. Thank you very much.

I just had a long, nice talk with Mother. Thank you.

Yesterday, the 2 of us nearly got run down by a van. It was such a close shave. Oh man.. I promised to look left and right, even when I'm crossing a green light. Handphones are never a gadget to use. It will pose danger, indirectly.

I bear that in mind.

Forever.

Recently, I seem to have lost control of myself. My heart overcame my mind. But, I'm indifferent this time round. I'm not going to be like the old - me in the past. Now, I'm picking myself up from where I fall. Afterall, this is life. Why should I ruin it's reputation like this?

Aha.

These days, almost everybody around me my were talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends. Couples just seemingly have to occupy everywhere's atmosphere. One snift and there they will be. And.. Suddenly, I felt this acute loneliness. This is rare. I never really used to bother about it. In fact, I couldn't careless. I'm used to independence.

But today, I realised how stubborn my heart was. It's been so long, and I'm still pinning away for that particular person. Actually, 'pinning' isn't exactly the word I would use. I jolly know very well that the sky has a better chance of turning green and crashing down than anything ever happening. Nothing is perfect. All good things will eventually come to an end.

So.. I never expected anything. Can you imagine? Having your heart so caught up with something that nothing else matters? Having to yearn a person who make you unique? To change a life so much simply by your presence, and you didn't know the extent of it? I guess one will never know how much that is.

Oh well, that's in the past. Ah heck it..

Somehow, my lost thoughts diffuse together to clog up my mind. Thus, this entry has no particular connection to the title. They are neither insights, nor interesting observations. But.. They are merely just my ramblings, while I'm dreaming in my drowning world. Words are amazing. Isn't it?

Honestly, I'm never happy in my polytechnic life. Not even once. I shall not probe much here. This closing semester brings about 1 and a haf year. How time flies.. I still remember myself as the initially curious and active girl. I actually look forward to this brand new style of education.

Perhaps I'm being too judgemental.

Or rather I might be wrong. Who knows?

Nevertheless, I still get a chance to meet nice fellow buddies. Birds need not fly if their wings are broken. They can hop around, though. I have few friends here. Yet, I'm happy. I'm not so greedy. Only the quality matters to me. I stood up at the highest part. I'm obliged to give this place to others, too. It does not really matter.

These few days, I have old boyfriends contacting me. They wanted to patch up. For a moment, I couldn't even remember how they look like. Also, I thought of the olden days. Indeed, I have matured and grown much. I gave myself a thumb's down and ignored those messages. Someday, somehow, one will definitely meet their destined ones.

I believe.

Just now, I cried for an hour or so, too. Weariness really tore me through. I'm bruised tatteredly all over now. I felt weak. I began to question myself as well. How have I lead my life all these while? Is it going to be meaningful in the future, too?

I have no comments. It has been a deception. As far as I know, there is nothing good or bad. It's our attitudes which decides all. It's like all our dream can come true only if we have the courage to pursue them. Till then, our principles must be eternal. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Oneday.

I will.

Actually, I don't even know what I'm talking now. I just know I'm very scared. That's all. What if there's nobody to walk through the darkness with me? I'm really petrified of everything. What am I to do?

Thunder, lightning or pain, I'm just ain't ready for.

Not now, I guess.

My greatest desire now is get my leg well, again. If not, I'll be in dire straits. Right now, I'm already in deep shits. Oh man.

Recently, days have been demanding. I find myself rushing everyday. There are so many things I have to do. There are really a whole tons of work piling right in front of me. Soemtimes, I think I'm suffocating. It's like I can't.. Breathe?

Maybe that's how a leader is supposed to feel. A great leader has to be one, who can overcome all obstacles. So.. No matter who, I must endure. I must do things that I ought to do. But, it's so hard. I really, really hope I can make it in time.

School has been boring. And.. I find myself getting more and more paranoid each day. I get irritated at the sight of some people. For what, I do not know. I just know I get 'pek chey' to even hear their voices. I realised something, you know? Some girls really do like to act cute and pretty. Some even worse. They try to fight and compete with you, indirectly. They simply just want to win you in everything. Oh man.. I surrender.

I will rather walk off than argue with them. I'm so tired. Assuming I'm crude, I will be a fool if I get involved with them. I'm simply washing my hands out of their business. I'm not going to be bothered. It's a norm to have 'funny' people around us. If not, how can the world be full of all walks of lives?

One sentence - May God bless them.

Exams are coming, too. And.. I will be as 'kan chiong' like before. Oh no. Actually, right now, I have no mood for anything. I just want to score in the remaining papers. After that, I will need to work out my cca proposals. Then, I will settle those camps. And lastly.. I will meet all my beloved beloveds.

I want to go kite flying. I want to watch stars, too. I want to do many, many things. I also want to eat sakae sushi and korea's ginseng chicken. It's so yummy yummy can. Oh well.. I just want to do my own things at my own pace during the long break. I guess I will be working again, too.

Time after time, I told myself to wait. I make sure that i don't rush things. If not, my whole life will be in total mess. I have grown up, now. Nobody will be there to clean up after me. I am independent. Yes, I am.

Somehow, I find myself getting lighter each day. I feel light in my heart. Maybe I'm really starting to get enlightened. Woo hoo. That's superb. I feel great. Honestly, this is a beautiful world. I meet people who accept me for who I am. I'm starting to get the confidences back. When I think of these people, I will just smile. Gratitudes simply melt my heart.

I'm learning. I will be continue to be a good Singaporean citizen.

Last night, someone comment my entries are too boring.

Now, I will rant on something else then. Let me introduce myself a little. Well, I never thought that my life would be interesting. Anyway, I do find myself becoming boring. But.. It's alright, to me.

Honestly, I have nothing much to say. An ordinary person's life is just as usual. Every morning, I will wake up and then go school. After that, I will either go for meeting or training, and go home. It's a bit boring, though. Nothing much to read about, too.

I'm a teochew. I don't really know how to speak. But.. I know how to hear this dialect very well. So it's like very funny when I often hear other aunties or uncles talking. I'm not trying to eavesdrop hor. I'm not a KPO, either. It's just that I happen to always hear people talk ma. I know how to speak Hokkien too. Cantonese only a bit. 'Cos I think working long hours in dim sum restaurant can make one smarter too.

Lol.

In school, I will just attend lectures and tutorials without fail be it rain or shine. I'm classified under today's modern society - guai category. I don't mind being called names, or what. I just don't like to be absent for any lessons. Furthermore, the fees are so expensive. It will be such a waste if I ponteng like others do. I never allow myself to be led by the nose and walk. I don't follow people blindly.

My academic grades are like so-so. Up till now, the best GPA is only 3.2. I have yet catch up. Like before, I regret coming to a polyechnic. I wanted to go to a junior colledge. And.. The main reason is I didn't do well for my O levels. I also chose the wrong course to study.

Let me see. "Logistics Management". Sounds nice and cool, huh? That's the priority cause why I chose it. Somehow, it becomes the joke of the day. But, I don't deny that. Honestly, I didn't know what course to choose in a polytechnic. 'Cos I have absolutely no idea what my interests are. If you know me enough, you will know how paranoid and fickle-minded I am.

And that's what I am now, still.

However, I understand that the decision is final and I respect God's decision for that. At that time, I was still a christian. Not really say a devoted and strong one, but I still praise God everyday. It was a miracle to know God. HE shows and guides me through my darkest times from my primary to seocndary school days. HE moulds me into what I am today. But sadly to say, I decided to stop following him.

Today, I am a toaist. I have to share my parents' religion. Actually, I don't mind at all. 'Cos I believed only sincerity has the best soultion to all faiths. Right now, I'm too commited to afford any other beliefs. I don't wish to get involved.

We know, you see.

Oh ya.. I have a father who dotes on me a lot. A mother who loves my everything. Though she likes to nag and scold me everyday, I know she's always there for me. In addition, I have 2 brothers who maple almost 24 hours a day. One older, one younger. They are mad, hot-tempered, silly, spoilt brats, petty and irritating. Yet, they are still my best friends. We know how to care for and love each other. Indeed, I'm very fortunate to be in this family.

Unlike friends, some always say they will forever be there for you. But.. As you know, it's all just yet, another convenient excuse. It's easier to be said than done. The moral now is, never say or promise something you can never really do. If not, your beloved ones will be hurt. I do commit this offence. But I suppose I have changed for the better, now.

In life, I don't really have much friends. I'm both an emotional and sensitive being. Sometimes, I think too much. And when I do so, I will become angry deep inside. Normally, I will keep things to myself. I don't want others to know too much about myself. I don't like people to try to think that they understand me a lot. In actual fact, they don't like. Even for myself, I don't really understand myself, much. Sometimes, I will be lost in that drowning world of mine, too. Nobody knows.

Ever since the first lesson I told myself, I will start to be a better girl. I don't want to be like before. I will not use cursed and condemn words like before. I will not grumble too much. I will learn to accept things for what they are. I told myself too, over and over again. Always. I really just want to be a liitle bit better than before. I just have to.

Sometimes, I really hate living in this world. Life's like just one darn thing then we die. It's never a smooth sailing. What to do? What to do?

Actually, I don't find myself attractive at all. Somehow, I'm just a plain Jane. I have neither the looks nor brains or figure. But, I'm happy the way I am now. I won't do anything to change. That's how I'm. My parents gave me this face and build.

I'm neither tall nor thin or fat nor thin. I'm just an average girl with average looks. Ops, I like to stress my words man. No worry, I will buck up and stay cheerful like the old me. Honestly, I think I got big face and nose. My eyes are so small can. And, I got many pimples so my face complexion not good. I think my legs are long but I just can't grow any further. I have heavy bones. Thus, I look fat with those pig's trutters. Muscles are also all around. Haha. My father always say lo. Also.. I got a big, big butt; fatter than my mother's. I don't really have hair on my hands and legs. But, the area around my fingers and toe nails are hairy! Looks like a catfish's barbels. Overall, I find myself got a bit of figure. It's just that I never know how to dress myself up.

Oneday, I will know la. Now, I got no money to doll myself.

That day, I just took out every letters I have ever received in my life. From both sexes. I read through some of them and thought about this. I really used to have a wide circle of friends. Next, I ransacked the whole gift box and found many, many presents I got since the past. Several have got spiderwebs. I even noticed some of them are things I used to like. I didn't really take notice that people actually buy things I want. I didn't even bother to open up those presents. Now then I remember having throw some of them away into the bins, back then.

Even so, in life, I still meet many boys and girls. Till today, I rather have people to like me then to I go and like other people. Perhaps I sound too shameless. But, I'm just saying. I used to think that love is a game. In the past, I used to yearn to be in a relationship. I want people to care and love me. I want to taste the feeling of happiness. Girls confessed to me. Boys told me that they liked me.

But.. What do they really know? How could you love someone whom you barely know? how could you allow guys to touch you all around? How could you have sex before you get married? How could you like somebody of the same sex as you?

I simply have too many burning doubts deep inside. Maybe I'm a good and nice person. That's why people like me ba. Or rather, I have an excellent fate with people. Oh well.. All I wish for is to ask people to stop wasting time on relationships. To me, studies are my top priorities now.

I have no more to ask for.

One friend is more than enough for me. At least I'm something in someone's heart. At least I really got a best buddy in this world. At least I have a happy family. At least I'm still alive and kicking. At least I have what others don't have.

When I thought that I am nothing, someone will give me everything. When I thought that I was dying, someone will go and rescue me. When I thought that I was stupid, someone will knock me to my senses. When I thought that I was fat, someone will say there I go again. When I thought I was sad, someone will cheer me up relentlessly.

I'm contented, already.

I am feeling old.

How is our past lives fate being carried into our present life?

A person's undesired destiny can be changed for a better one by destroying the chains from the past that make the future equal your past. But, why is it possible to predict the undesired destiny of many people according with their historical patterns of failure?

The understanding of past lives gives us an explanation why this occurs and provides a way to transform our destiny for the better. The fate brought by past lives explains why such thing occurs. This type of fate usually comes as either vows, pacts and judgments or a combination of those.

As a matter of principle, the present time, the now, is from where someone can determine its future under his real will, and also the now is from where fate can determine the same person's future through occult aspects somewhere in his mind that favor fate. Those occult aspects can be passed from one to the next past lives up to the present one, until we understand their malignant influence and stop them for good.

By what have been described, it does not mean to discard that fate can be brought from the rearing of early childhood, other experiences on our social life after it, and biological inheritance. Nevertheless, fate brought by vows, pacts and judgements practically always has its roots in the inner mind or subconscious; there is the place for all memories from this life and from past lives.
Fate brought by past life vows, judgements and pacts make a person's destiny be determined by fate because of its powerful grab in the occult part of the mind.

Past lives, genes inheritance and the proper parental rearing can leave us well equipped for our life. But in ourselves, this cannot exist without its opposite, which means that there will always be aspects we are not set well for and that leave room for fate to determine our future in specific life areas.

Many of us have done pacts, vows and judgements in past lives. For some of us there may be a problem if those actions have gone farther than just a wording or a just flashed thought, and had been taken entirely into their present and future existences.

The vows of chastity, celibacy, silence, poverty, purity and suffering are examples of vows taken entirely into someone's entire rest of a life; those are defined to last for a life as a limit. But other vows may have no limit up to the end of a life, like the vows of an everlasting love or revenge passing the limit of a present life time.

If a vow is taken with a strong enough will, it may continue over following past lives with no limit in time, without a defined duration. Thus, the fate implied in the vow repeats over consecutive life times. By example, a revenge pact may keep a soul in the revenge game all the time, from past to present and to future, and never stop. Those former vows of revenge and pacts can limit our free will to choose a better destiny instead of the preconceived one. Those pacts or vows mean a firmer grab for fate at every time so as to make part of our destiny compliant with the type of fate that belongs to the specific pacts or vows.

One thing for sure..

One should never treat karma as a joke and destroy it's reputation in a go. No way. I wonder how my fate will be like. Oneday, I will know when I really grow up. Just wait and see.

This is a very touching story. Please read it slowly..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So, I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: We had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning, we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But, the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Then, Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs.".

Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just got married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.".

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But, I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "You go and select some furnitures, ok? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously, she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her.

At that moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind, although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would still be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening, she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then, we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day, I said to her in a slightly joking way, "Supposedly we divorce, what will you do?"

She stared at me for a few seconds, without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hints. Yet, she just gently smiled at my subordinates. But, I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, ok? Then, we will be able to live together."

I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate anymore. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.

"I've got something to tell you", I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly, I didn't know how to open my mouth. But, I had to let her know what I was thinking. I wanted a divorce. I raised the serious topic, calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead, she asked me softly, "Why?".

"I'm serious." I avoided her question.

This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!".

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But, I myself could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had already gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me, would become a stranger one day. But, I could not take back what I had said.

Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast.

When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep once again. She brought up her divorce conditions: She didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: Our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?".

This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember.".

"You carried me in your arms", she continued, "So, I have a requirement, that is, you must carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.".

I accepted with a smile.

I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage, romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absolutely absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce", she said scornfully.

Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So, when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us shouting, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms!".

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today. Please don't tell our son.".

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young anymore. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.".

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. But, I felt it was easier to carry her.

Perhaps, the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown bigger.".

I smiled. But, I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously, I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. He said, "Dad, it's time to carry mum out.".

To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I would change my mind, at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But, her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.".

I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.".

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs.

Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew. I won't divorce. I'm serious.".

She looked at me, astonished. Then, she touched my forehead saying, "You got no fever.".

Then, I moved her hand off my head and told her this.

"Sorry, Dew. I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now, I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So, I will have to just say sorry to you."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed by the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

And, I meant it this time round.

It takes me years to learn these.

The roots of happiness, are not found in the search of success, self-esteem, or self-improvement but in an honest commitment to an inward spiritual practice and an outward practice of unselfish service to others.

I'm not there, yet.

But.. I really know what I want, or least for now. I must quote whatever I mean. I must mark my words, seriously. If not.. I will be writing about the same, old things, and having the same, old resolutions all over again.

This isn't what I meant, though.

Human nature is fundamentally gentle, and creative, and it's important for us to recognise this. If we examine the nature of our lives, we find that from the moment of birth until we die, human affection plays a crucial role in ensuring not only that we feel satisfied, but even that we survive. The fact is, everybody need to live together in harmony, and working hand in hand. 'Tolerance' and 'mutual support' are essential factors.

One thing for sure, humans do change. Nobody can deny it. Life is just so dramatic as ever. Often, we have become so engrossed in its pursuit that, almost without knowing it, we have neglected to foster the most basic needs for love, kindness, cooperation and caring. If we 'lose' this vital humanity, what's the point of pursuing only material improvements?

They will just be yet, just another frame of success. And, in the long run, efforts will be gone down in the drains. Failures will cover them up, and cast them aside. That's how pathetic life is. If only one knows the 'right'way to live.. Who knows?

In recent times, I thought back. Finally, I managed to keep still, and enlighten myself. I wasn't happy because I was making myself unhappy. All along, I was the main culprit. I keep silence, and acted strong. Then, I will vent all my frustruations, aimlessly in a website called - 'blog'. It is an internet private space for all walks of life.

I realised I was wrong. I wrote for the wrong reasons. I attracted people to write as I wanted their attentions. I want to be the centre of everything. I yearn to be famous overnight, just like 'Rocky', 'Xiaxue', 'Mr Brown' and all other prominent online figures. I am not like that. I don't want to.

I am myself. I am somebody my mother gives birth to. I am a girl whom my father dotes on. I am a sister treasure by my two brothers. Appearances can be deceiving. Don't judge a book by its cover. However so, I am happy to be born, into this world. Like my name, I want to bring joy to others in this world. Peace will never prevail, forever. But, I suppose I can do my part to contribute to the society, too. I want to help the people around. I want to save the world, and environment.

Many things cannot be changed in life. It's all pre-destined, I guess. The more you want something to happen, the more it will never happen. So, what for? It's pointless to cling onto something, or rather someone so tightly. As a result, there will only be miserable burdens. I remembered a friend saying this before, "You can be who you want to be.".

Don't just pray for world peace. What's the use when you are struggling inside? One needs to practice and cultivate our inner sense of peace, and well-being before trying anything else. I really get it, now. Nothing is ever too late. If we set our hearts into something, I am sure we will surely have that determination to go through that path. Nothing's hard in this world. We just gotta to work things out, ourselves.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In life, we need to cope with many, many things. We need to handle academic anxuety, assertiveness, death, discrimination, family, friends, image, self-esteem and as such. Normall, anyone is busy. One will have not time to bother others. But.. If we can manage time, why not? I am looking forward to more outings, and gatherings with old friends. Today, I am still trying hard to adapt in school. I am not giving up. Instead, I choose to be the person I want to be. I declined to be active. I am evolving to aim to score well, and maintain good working relationships with people in there.

I believe I can make it. I am on time, now. I will deal with criticisms effectively. All I need is 5 minutes of success, of which is, followed by 5 minutes of failure. After that, I will continue, and move on with life.

Talent + Failure = Success

Admit it.

"Once, there was a boy named Don.

Don has a big fat nose. All the children made fun of him, and student called Don a Mr. Fat Nose. One day, room 180 was having free time. One girl named Anny saw Don's big fat nose. Then Anny shout out, "HA , HA! Look everybody, Don has a big fat nose." Then Don said, "No I don't have a big...." Then, Don was very sad.

Then Don ran out of the room, and he got in trouble. Don went home and told his mother all about it. While Don was telling his mother about his nose, his mother laughed and said, "Having a big nose is not bad at all."

After his mother told him that, he went back to school, and Don told Anny all about the stuff that his mother told him about his big fat nose. Then, Anny learned a lesson that a big fat nose is not bad. So.. Then on Monday, no one made fun of Don. But, Anny grew a big toe, and she screamed."

Honestly, this is indeed an encouraging story for me. I feel touched. For what, I don't know why. Since young, I have been defeated by this monster called 'inferiority complex'. It makes me feel so tiny as possible. I have often been seen as a small creature. I looked weird. I felt weird - just being myself. I think the whole world is mocking at me. if not, why do I hear all those jeerings all around?

'Cos I'm ugly?

I really don't know. Now, I seem to lost track. Should I say 'completely'? I have tons to say. Yet, I don't remember as much things as before. AND.. Somehow, I'm speechless. I just need to write it down now, though I have nothing in particular to write about.

I want to grow up. I really want to. If not, I will never. I don't want to stick around people. i don't want to be like this. I don't want to be a failure. But.. Why? I'm darn sad now. I want to feel better, that's all. I don't expect much.

I noticed that my inner self is the ultimate culprit to bring me down It always say hurtful and insulting remarks to make me feel sad. I'm not so useless lo. I really hate it, man. I never like being rejected. Let alone by myself. It sounds even sillier. It makes me more maddens. Life is just so sickening!

I'm trying hard, now. Really. I want to defeat that voice inside me. I want to win the battle. I want to be back myself, again. I really want. I just need to. If I'm not going to help myself, nobody is going too. I'm all alone. I have to overcome all obstacles sooner or later. Oh man. how lovely..

Things to do now:-

• Stop thinking I'm fat.
• Admit that I'm not ugly.
• Think that I'm clever.
• Save up to make myself a beautiful hairstyle.
• Wash face regularly.
• Try sleep early to stop eye bags, pimples and dark eye rings.
• Revise my work regularly.
• Strive hard in life.
• Do what I think is important, right now.

That's all. No point in writing down hundreds of them and achieving none of it. I'm working hard now. Please don't disturb. Status: Busy right now.

Best wishes.

"You shouldn't have lied."

"Why?"

"You just couldn't 'cos you're in no position to do so."

Sometimes, I hate you to the core. Really. Why must you always do this to me? Why are you hitting me down when I'm already approaching the ending point? Why do you stop me from achieving my goals? Why must I listen to you? Where are you when I'm suffering? Why can't you let me, once in a while?

Honestly, I never know the real meaning of 'hatred'. All I know is.. It's a mixed feeling nobody ever wants to get. I have long put revenges and desires off my back. But, why? Why do you keep making me think of them, again? Why must you turn me into such a monster? What did I do to deserve this?

I'm really shagged. I'm on the nerve of breaking. I really, really don't know what else to do. People think I'm mad. I'm tagged with the weird labels. 'Cos of you?

I'm dead. I wished to hear no more. I just yearn for peace and silence. I'm never going to welcome you with open arms. I want you completely out of my life. Forever. These days have passed by, fast. In a short, 18 years. Isn't this enough?

So what if you emerge wisdom from experience? Will you be happy? Are you happy, now? I absolutely don't think so. Somehow, you are just this pathetic, little creature. You don't have all the care and concern you ought to have. Everybody shun you like hell. Nobody like you, at all. Don't you feel ashamed? Please.. Just go away.

You don''t work for good causes. You always want to be the centre of everything. You need people's attentions, seriously. If not, I think you will die. You are nothing but a - clown. You know what that means? You really do?

Those irrelevant pursuits are drifting you away from reality. You have changed. Today, you bear nothing but hindrance. You have lost your identify. You are no longer one of us. You are you. You are not us, anymore. Like I say.. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, stop thinking about it.

Often, you say you will think about it. Yet, you seem to be stuck forever. You have no idea to do anything. All you does all day is to follow people blindly. Why did you choose to be led by the nose? You are such a pain. I looked down on you.

Why?

Please be awake. Pretty please. I need you to be yourself , again. Not that yourself, but this yourself. You really need to grow up. You have to be independent. You need to stand on your own. You can't follow. You need to lead youself. Only you can pick yourself up, again. Do you understand? Do you hear? Do you hear? Do you?

This is not enough. All the things you said.. You should hear this. You should see them. You should judge things, yourself. Ok? I know you can. Maybe you just need a little more time? I really hope you get my message. I want you to grow up, now. Now..

Things happen for good causes. I suppose God has his plans for everybody. One has to make decisions in their lifes. They have to decide things for themselves. You are no exception. I know many things are easier said than done. Still, there's room for improvement. In my opinion, if I can, I can. I'm looking positive now. So..

Life is the most interesting game human beings play and how it ends is anybody's guess. Happy endings, unhappy endings, and those which go on in an aimless sort of way and fade into nothingless. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, you are at a stalemate. Hence, life is always a fair-and-square situation. Almost like a game of noughts and crosses, which perhaps could be symbolically represented by hearts and crosses.

Words can bring you down. But, no matter what they say/are, you are beautiful in your own ways. Just remember this. Mark in words into my own heart. Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.

Good luck.