smallminded;

Dear God,

It has been a long, long time ever since I last talked to u. So.. How are you?

As usual, life is normal for me. I mean it has always been like this, isn't it? My life does not have much colour days. 'Cos those sweet memories are erased and threw away ages ago. One word - LOL.

"Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and that feels right.".

So.. What exactly am I going to feel?

Beats me.

I believe in you, dear god. I believe in the state and identity I'm blessed with, right now. I'm happy that you blew life in my presence and allowed me to have a taste of living in reality. Many things are quite soul damaging, I supposed. All along, I knew nothing was perfect. However so, I'm just sorry that I can't stay with you anymore. Maybe just for this while? Or rather, forever? I really, really don't know. I'm not sure if you are with me or have always been.

To me, I'm still coping as much as possible. Like before, I'm still living. And.. I have also been fighting hard all my life, every step and inch of the way. There was not a single day in my life that I was not conscious of this inner battle. I have been my own warrior, fighting, choosing to fight, only to discover that I'm my own enemy. I fought against myself and tried not to be me, but above all, I don't believe. I can't even bring up a self-defence.

The burning question is.. Am I really that weak?

I know I have been making the same resolutions all over and over again. I'm also aware that I keep emphasizing on 'inferiority complex'. And.. Once again, I keep repeating myself. I can't help by doing so. It's like so.. Grr, forget it la.

Perhaps I'm most probably diagnosed with obsessive complusive disorder. I'm really one who think a lot. I'm really one who is more perfectionist than others. I'm just so - myself. I keep worrying all day and night. I get panic easily. I'm just so paranoid. Perhaps my character would be witnessed as a weakness or a disease, but I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer make this life livable unless I come to terms with.. me.

I had make myself understand. I have a mission and that is to make things clear to myself. I must be confident of myself. If not, I will never be happy. I will forever and ever be sad. Gloomy days will be what I received. No.. That isn't what I yearn for. Never..

God, you know how hard I have fought. I know a few words to express them. My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of your identity. But I know you hear me when I used to pray to you. I know you hear me when I used to sing to you, or about you. I know you grew with me every step, every inch of the way when I used to follow you. I had hoped that I will not regret this decision I have made.

"I have tried and perserved, now I have lost. If indeed defeat is what I must accept, then I will readily do so, but I will not, and I refuse, to come to a stage where I must fight and in the end only to find that the only way to emerge as a winner is end your precious gift, life itself."

That was the past. Or, when I'm thinking insensibly.

Often, I hear them saying people like me live in a closet. To a certain degree it is true, but I know I'm not alone. I just know. After all, this closet that I'm living in is not so small. I hope I'm right. Really. Even if I'm not, I don't even know if I should care anymore or not. I'm really at a loss, now.

God, your holy forgiveness is imperative for all the indulgences that I will partake in the future. But.. Should you fail to find it in your faith to forgive me, then I fully understand. I won't blame you at all. I mean I don't even have the right to. Perhaps I have failed you, and indeed if somehow you have stopped to love me the way I had always believed you did, then I hold myself to blame. I deserved everything, I should say. I'm the guilty one. I do not expect you to love me still. You are the almighty Lord. I'm just an ordinary folk. Nothing more.

Last night, I had a combinations of weird dreams. I dreamt that I was back in the past, again. I was inside my collections of memories. Eventually, I saw how I rose from level 0 to level 1,000 and back to -1, again. And also, how my so-called friends all walked out of me, then. Hence, I never trust this sentence again, "Never leave me in the lurch.".

To me, it's just a bullshit sweeping statement. It's just a clinque that people use. That's all. It means nothing. There's no purpose and hope in those. So you see God, I'm really living in a much smaller closet tahn before, and now I feel as though the walls are closing in 'cos I realise that, like my those friends, you could turn your back on me, too. Nevertheless, I still have my family. I'm not alone. I'm with you. You did choose me.

I thought lots about where my soul will finally be in the afterlife, but each time I think about that, I realise that I'm here, now. This is all I know. There is simply just fear every time I think of afterlife, but there is also reasoning of what is here and now. I used to have someblody who made my existence less unneccessary. Sad to say, he's not around anymore now. He had given me more reasons to laugh. He had made my happiness more apparent. I was happy, then. Even though it has been nearly 5 years, I have overcome the aftermath. I'm not like you God. I'm just merely a human being.

I just need a bit more time.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine. People smile when they reminisce their good, old times. Maybe, just maybe, I'm so tired right now. I will be alright after a long sleep.

As usual, I have been thinking about many things. Some important, some trivial. I thought about the sky and the ozone layer and I realised that if we don't recycle or do anything; if we carry on with some of our careless acts, we will contribute to the damage in our sky. We will be the dead ones in the long run. I get so worked up when I think about this. In the end, i just dismiss them. I don't know since when did I become so 'environmental' conscious. Perhaps it's just for show?

Beats me.

Oh God, I know I'm being messy here and there. But, I just want to copy and paste all my random thoughts down here. If not, I will go berserk soon. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be able to hold your lover's hand in public. I have toyed with images of me and putting my arms around guys' shoulders in public over a million times. It worked, in my mind, it really worked. But in real life, I shrugged at the sight or thought of it. I seem to be paranoid over relationships. It is not fair. I did not used to be like this. After all, it has been a long time since that incident. Yet, I fails to ward it off my mind. I do feel like crying.

It's like.. I can never be spared. But, why?

Why is it like for me, only? Why am I feeling so terrible now? Why do I have to go throught these? Why? Why? Why?

Again and again, I ask myself, what more could I have done? How do I avoid those misleading thoughts? I'm not guilty. I'm just scared. I just wish, maybe, I should never meet him or anybody else. At least, I will have more freedom. I will be happier, I know. I can't really explain why. I wonder if my presence make any differerence.

My God, my dearest God, if only you could offer more answers. If only I could know what's in store for me. If only there was a way to find out how you feel about me, too. Am I believer of yours? I have no comments on that. You must be angry with me. You must be furious, but what is there to say or do? You know me. You know how I fought. What else is there to do? Sometimes, it feels as though asking for forgiveness is deemed unfair when you know very well what you have done and will do it again is wrong to you. But I'm alove. How else can I handle this? Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I can't help myself, sometimes I don't want to live like this. But I will not look back 'cos when I do, I know that things weren't much better then.

Neither do I regret being alive, nor having you bestowing upon me those unrequitted battles in life. I have to face everything all by myself. I have nobody else to depend on. The time has come to re-evaluate all that I have done and decided. Yes God, I do regret all the undesirable acts I have done in the past, in whatever forms. Only I know what I have done. I shall not speak about them anymore. Once again, I'm before you oh God, I want to return to my life.

I'm prepared to face those obstacles, relentlessly. Smack me right back in guts to make me sure. Mould me into someone I never taught I would be. Pretty please.

These weeks passed like waterfalls. But, I'm really feeling fine. I have learnt lots over this weekends. Perhaps I'm just too cramped up inside my mind. It's time for a rest. I enjoyed myself with Derrick and gang. Somehow, I changed and made up my mind. Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of it, of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and it feels right. It's like.. Either way I lose. But, NO. That's wrong. I can't think like this.

I'm feeling small and sad. I feel my heart diminishing. I cry in moments to come. The main reason is I didn't let myself go. I actually held myself captive for I know that is beyond me. I refused, denied and made me made myself. I gave myself tradegies I cannot withdraw from. So I have decided, with conviction, I want to let myself go, out of my heart and mind. I want to be happy, that's all I want.

Looking back, I can't say that I might have done anything differently, but experiences have made me wiser, and I would like to think that I'm now indeed wiser and more in control of myself and my indulgences. Like, I'm more intensely in touch with my senses. I'm more familiar with myself. I know myself better now. I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm capable of handling.

I sighed a second ago. I have me. That's all. That's ok. That's enough.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I will another love, maybe not. But I know I will be all right, 'cos for me, I'm all that I have. And.. That's good.

That's great.