Yes, I’m back. And, I hope nobody will read this. Usually, I write long. This time round, I will write longer.
So.. Joyce, how’s life?
Good question. Let’s do a quick update, now. Yes, now.
Caught in between friends and family. GOODD!
Lost of motivation in life! WOOHOO..
Lost the happiness I once had! YEAHHH!!!~
Messing myself up with 2 clubs. WAA..
Living a life just to see what crap I'll get the next day. And, the next next day too. FOOL!!!~
Preparing for competition. HOHOHO!!!~
Waiting for things which will never come back. HEY HEY!!!~
Torturing myself during training and then throwing slight tantrums amidst? FOOO!!!~
Having more pimples popping out. WHATTHEHELL!!!~
Gaining more excess of flabby fats and untarnished images of myself. WONDERFUL!!!~
Being insulted and laughed at? COOL MAN!!!~
Life is just tremendously interesting for me. Neither can I cry nor scream. I should not feel angry, sad or disappointed. By right, I will feel numb. An empty shell covers life like a pile of shit. At least, it hides the bare truth from the public. The lame outsiders..
I wish I never had a soft heart. I wish I am that strong person I imagine to be. I just want to help people get back on their feet. I just want to make people happy. If only I could be a real bitch. I want to be as mean as possible. I want to pay back to those who bullied me. I want to retaliate. I want to attack them. I want ot be the ultimate winner. Then maybe things would be better. Or, maybe I could leave things as it is, and never bring it back.
I just want to make myself more natural and at ease.
Freshies catching up with me. School work piling high up. Work landing myself in a muddy auntie era sessions. ERS making me inside out. Ninjado collecting all my wounds and bruises. Classmates raging war with each other. Doing projects with people whom I don’t like. Organising events with many non-turnouts. Publicizing for nothing. Having no acknowledges time after time. Emotions building up inside me.
However hard I tried, just to make an effort for life to seem good. Laughing with people who look down on me. Faking my friendliness and kindness with the posers. Trying to be the same old me.
Today, I’m smiling even after getting stabbed straight in the heart. WOOHOO!~
Life is beautiful, with so many things.
Indeed, it is.
Let’s just give another round of applause to it. Welcome to this inner corner of an ordinary soul.Oh well. I'll take this opportunity to voice out. My space. That's what this website of mine is for, by the way. WAHAHA!!!~
Here they go.. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..
To all those who openly make fun of me in any ways. You can laugh, jeer or talk behind my back. But, let me tell you this. I don’t mind at all. Maybe it has yet occurred to you that I'm not exactly am endurer. I do curse and swear, but not often. I’m not a saint. It’s just that I just have this heart that didn’t want to spoil your day by saying nasty, evil things back. You people will never get to read this. But still, I want to say you have hurt me deep and made me sad before. I will forgive you but you have already engraved a crack inside me.
You really hurt me.
I don’t hate people, now. Given the past, it will just be this what-the-hell. I know you might perhaps don't give a damn, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just contented cos I’m saying things that I wanted to voice out ages back.
Continue if you want to..
Sometimes, it’s really normal to safeguard yourself from the surrounding people. Never learn to trust human beings that easily. Years of friendships might fall out, what more about months? This is a fact I will learn to live with.
I can die from emotional hurt.
But right now, it doesn’t really matter. Even since Hao’s departure, I know to treasure more of my loved ones. Grandpa’s death is a warning to me. Gong gong’s stroke made my instinct sharper. Somehow, I’m more aware of myself. It's in my genes to be simple-minded. I don’t blame my genes cos I can never change them. If not, it really sounds more and more dumb. Since young, I can never do well in studies. I have no special talents. I’m just as ordinary as possible. I don’t have a pretty, adorable face either.
In short, no figure or looks or brains.
Nevertheless..
One thing good about is life is that, I’m different from others. I’m not very popular. I’m not the famous of all. But, I get different types and kinds of people to like and adore me anywhere I go. I get all the genuine care and concern. I also get all the praises which others don’t have. I got more than them. Thus, I’m luckier, in a sense.
Maybe it’s just my life.
Fate, rather?
I won't be able to get together with the guy whom I fall for. His death really taught me something valuable. This is an unforgettable lesson. But, I’m not a jinx. Oh well, that's just my luck. Anyway, life isn't always what it seems. If not, why will people say that life’s so unfair?
Honestly, I don't expect good things to come my way often, too. And, love doesn't really come easy for me anymore. I'm just too not ready to support someone's emotions in my current state. The past is a tough period. Come to think of it, I really walked a long, tough way. Still, I’m walking and jogging now. At least, I’m moving.
I’m out of the darkness corner.
Even so, I still lacked self confidence. I still feel that I’m not trying hard enough. I also know that I’m still that old, matured, fat, short and ugly girl. I can only cut down feeling them but I will not change them. I’m born to look like this. Saying more sounds real silly.
Yeah?
Today, I have lost my colours of youth. I’m not as shiny as before. I feel weird to find myself attractive. Cos I ain’t. All along, I knew I kept contradicting myself. And, it has been up to Florence’s nerve. Who doesn’t want to look gorgeous with angel face and pretty clothes? I want and yearn to.
But, I’m not used to it.
I just hope the public will make me be not so self-conscious about myself. Somehow, I feel people keep staring at me when I’m outside. Am I so ugly or horrifying for you guys to look until like this? Maybe I reacted too much. But, I do know that people laughed at me. I heard them.
I really did.
But still..
A big thanks to those who stand by me. It’s you people who keep me in one piece in every single day of life. Really.. I know who you are, and that’s all. Even if you don’t regard me in the same status as I did for you, it’s perfectly alright. Cos.. To me, if you are then you are. I never mean anything. These are just my words of expressions.
One last thing before I sign off..
I think I’m selfish. But, what more can I do?
All along, I only wanted people to give in and the best for me. It’s a norm for people to like me more that I do for me. I have always wanted to be protected by people. I wanted more love and feelings. But, it’s so dramatic to see guys whom initially like you to like your own other friends, instead. It’s exaggerating cos you are not even somebody so cherished in the other party’s heart.
But, it’s kind of unfair. Maybe, just a maybe, looks are after all important. I can never be compared to a movie star. I’m not pretty or cute or sweet. If dates are just dates, then best of luck guys. I’m jealous of girls or woman who better images. They have sharper noses, brighter and bigger eyes and other more perfect figure and face features.
Well, that’s their fortune, I guess.
I’m off to a live full of certified crap. Even though it might not be so colourful as the trendy people, but I’m alright with it. I’m just – myself. I will set my goals. If not, I can go bang my head onto the wall, again. I really, really need to concentrate on my studies.
2 days, a friend asked me what will I react if she suddenly leave or backstab me one day?
You knew what my answer was?
I said, “I will leave you. But, I will not hate you.”
Full stop, period.
Shut up.
So.. Joyce, how’s life?
Good question. Let’s do a quick update, now. Yes, now.
Caught in between friends and family. GOODD!
Lost of motivation in life! WOOHOO..
Lost the happiness I once had! YEAHHH!!!~
Messing myself up with 2 clubs. WAA..
Living a life just to see what crap I'll get the next day. And, the next next day too. FOOL!!!~
Preparing for competition. HOHOHO!!!~
Waiting for things which will never come back. HEY HEY!!!~
Torturing myself during training and then throwing slight tantrums amidst? FOOO!!!~
Having more pimples popping out. WHATTHEHELL!!!~
Gaining more excess of flabby fats and untarnished images of myself. WONDERFUL!!!~
Being insulted and laughed at? COOL MAN!!!~
Life is just tremendously interesting for me. Neither can I cry nor scream. I should not feel angry, sad or disappointed. By right, I will feel numb. An empty shell covers life like a pile of shit. At least, it hides the bare truth from the public. The lame outsiders..
I wish I never had a soft heart. I wish I am that strong person I imagine to be. I just want to help people get back on their feet. I just want to make people happy. If only I could be a real bitch. I want to be as mean as possible. I want to pay back to those who bullied me. I want to retaliate. I want to attack them. I want ot be the ultimate winner. Then maybe things would be better. Or, maybe I could leave things as it is, and never bring it back.
I just want to make myself more natural and at ease.
Freshies catching up with me. School work piling high up. Work landing myself in a muddy auntie era sessions. ERS making me inside out. Ninjado collecting all my wounds and bruises. Classmates raging war with each other. Doing projects with people whom I don’t like. Organising events with many non-turnouts. Publicizing for nothing. Having no acknowledges time after time. Emotions building up inside me.
However hard I tried, just to make an effort for life to seem good. Laughing with people who look down on me. Faking my friendliness and kindness with the posers. Trying to be the same old me.
Today, I’m smiling even after getting stabbed straight in the heart. WOOHOO!~
Life is beautiful, with so many things.
Indeed, it is.
Let’s just give another round of applause to it. Welcome to this inner corner of an ordinary soul.Oh well. I'll take this opportunity to voice out. My space. That's what this website of mine is for, by the way. WAHAHA!!!~
Here they go.. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..
To all those who openly make fun of me in any ways. You can laugh, jeer or talk behind my back. But, let me tell you this. I don’t mind at all. Maybe it has yet occurred to you that I'm not exactly am endurer. I do curse and swear, but not often. I’m not a saint. It’s just that I just have this heart that didn’t want to spoil your day by saying nasty, evil things back. You people will never get to read this. But still, I want to say you have hurt me deep and made me sad before. I will forgive you but you have already engraved a crack inside me.
You really hurt me.
I don’t hate people, now. Given the past, it will just be this what-the-hell. I know you might perhaps don't give a damn, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just contented cos I’m saying things that I wanted to voice out ages back.
Continue if you want to..
Sometimes, it’s really normal to safeguard yourself from the surrounding people. Never learn to trust human beings that easily. Years of friendships might fall out, what more about months? This is a fact I will learn to live with.
I can die from emotional hurt.
But right now, it doesn’t really matter. Even since Hao’s departure, I know to treasure more of my loved ones. Grandpa’s death is a warning to me. Gong gong’s stroke made my instinct sharper. Somehow, I’m more aware of myself. It's in my genes to be simple-minded. I don’t blame my genes cos I can never change them. If not, it really sounds more and more dumb. Since young, I can never do well in studies. I have no special talents. I’m just as ordinary as possible. I don’t have a pretty, adorable face either.
In short, no figure or looks or brains.
Nevertheless..
One thing good about is life is that, I’m different from others. I’m not very popular. I’m not the famous of all. But, I get different types and kinds of people to like and adore me anywhere I go. I get all the genuine care and concern. I also get all the praises which others don’t have. I got more than them. Thus, I’m luckier, in a sense.
Maybe it’s just my life.
Fate, rather?
I won't be able to get together with the guy whom I fall for. His death really taught me something valuable. This is an unforgettable lesson. But, I’m not a jinx. Oh well, that's just my luck. Anyway, life isn't always what it seems. If not, why will people say that life’s so unfair?
Honestly, I don't expect good things to come my way often, too. And, love doesn't really come easy for me anymore. I'm just too not ready to support someone's emotions in my current state. The past is a tough period. Come to think of it, I really walked a long, tough way. Still, I’m walking and jogging now. At least, I’m moving.
I’m out of the darkness corner.
Even so, I still lacked self confidence. I still feel that I’m not trying hard enough. I also know that I’m still that old, matured, fat, short and ugly girl. I can only cut down feeling them but I will not change them. I’m born to look like this. Saying more sounds real silly.
Yeah?
Today, I have lost my colours of youth. I’m not as shiny as before. I feel weird to find myself attractive. Cos I ain’t. All along, I knew I kept contradicting myself. And, it has been up to Florence’s nerve. Who doesn’t want to look gorgeous with angel face and pretty clothes? I want and yearn to.
But, I’m not used to it.
I just hope the public will make me be not so self-conscious about myself. Somehow, I feel people keep staring at me when I’m outside. Am I so ugly or horrifying for you guys to look until like this? Maybe I reacted too much. But, I do know that people laughed at me. I heard them.
I really did.
But still..
A big thanks to those who stand by me. It’s you people who keep me in one piece in every single day of life. Really.. I know who you are, and that’s all. Even if you don’t regard me in the same status as I did for you, it’s perfectly alright. Cos.. To me, if you are then you are. I never mean anything. These are just my words of expressions.
One last thing before I sign off..
I think I’m selfish. But, what more can I do?
All along, I only wanted people to give in and the best for me. It’s a norm for people to like me more that I do for me. I have always wanted to be protected by people. I wanted more love and feelings. But, it’s so dramatic to see guys whom initially like you to like your own other friends, instead. It’s exaggerating cos you are not even somebody so cherished in the other party’s heart.
But, it’s kind of unfair. Maybe, just a maybe, looks are after all important. I can never be compared to a movie star. I’m not pretty or cute or sweet. If dates are just dates, then best of luck guys. I’m jealous of girls or woman who better images. They have sharper noses, brighter and bigger eyes and other more perfect figure and face features.
Well, that’s their fortune, I guess.
I’m off to a live full of certified crap. Even though it might not be so colourful as the trendy people, but I’m alright with it. I’m just – myself. I will set my goals. If not, I can go bang my head onto the wall, again. I really, really need to concentrate on my studies.
2 days, a friend asked me what will I react if she suddenly leave or backstab me one day?
You knew what my answer was?
I said, “I will leave you. But, I will not hate you.”
Full stop, period.
Shut up.
Have you ever wonder the satisfaction of using vulgarities? Especially the 4-letters word, starting with a F?
I do.
After all, it really makes one feel better. And.. even though I’ve just blogged minutes ago, I decided to add on. I hate people who make empty promises. You can be late, but please do not ever lie to me. Maybe I expected too much.
Cos.. i ain’t perfect, either.
But, I just can’t stand it. I hate the way things turned out, eventually. I hate boys, guys or man. I feel that nothing is worth liking and cherishing. I feel that everything is just rubbish. All along, I’ve been deceiving myself and others. I made them believed me. I made the, become somebody they weren’t supposed to be, initially.
I’m a scream-weaver.
Sometimes, I think I’m damn pathetic. I’m as hopeless as an infant. I feel dumb and tiny. But sometimes, it’s vice versa. When I sit down and ponder, people think I’m having mood swings. When I talk, people don’t take me seriously. I’m not a clown. I have my pride, too.
Life is not all about dates. There are really much more things to do. Let alone studies, too. Somehow, I envy those ladies with curves and angel faces; just like movie stars. If you have the looks, you have both the quantity and quality. If you don’t, you just have t sit down and wait slowly, for a sponsor, though. Life is hard and tiring. One will never be contented.
Oh man.
I feel like crying. Cos.. i haven’t cried for a very long time, already. This sounds silly. But, this is me. I really don’t get it at times. I just want people to stop treating me so good. But.. why they start doing so, I blanked out. I will also feel very disappointed. Why is this so?
Why do I feel like this?
I hate life like this. I shouldn’t have known you, or ‘them’. No. No. No.
Maybe, oneday you will date her. But, another you will come back to me. and.. what the hell am I talking about? I don’t even understand you, or them. I don’t even know you at all. Time doesn’t prove anything. Words doesn’t mean anything.
I’m not her, to you.
You’re not him, to me.
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But.. let me tell you this, though. You will never get a chance to uncode me. Cos.. you don't even know me.
ASS.
I do.
After all, it really makes one feel better. And.. even though I’ve just blogged minutes ago, I decided to add on. I hate people who make empty promises. You can be late, but please do not ever lie to me. Maybe I expected too much.
Cos.. i ain’t perfect, either.
But, I just can’t stand it. I hate the way things turned out, eventually. I hate boys, guys or man. I feel that nothing is worth liking and cherishing. I feel that everything is just rubbish. All along, I’ve been deceiving myself and others. I made them believed me. I made the, become somebody they weren’t supposed to be, initially.
I’m a scream-weaver.
Sometimes, I think I’m damn pathetic. I’m as hopeless as an infant. I feel dumb and tiny. But sometimes, it’s vice versa. When I sit down and ponder, people think I’m having mood swings. When I talk, people don’t take me seriously. I’m not a clown. I have my pride, too.
Life is not all about dates. There are really much more things to do. Let alone studies, too. Somehow, I envy those ladies with curves and angel faces; just like movie stars. If you have the looks, you have both the quantity and quality. If you don’t, you just have t sit down and wait slowly, for a sponsor, though. Life is hard and tiring. One will never be contented.
Oh man.
I feel like crying. Cos.. i haven’t cried for a very long time, already. This sounds silly. But, this is me. I really don’t get it at times. I just want people to stop treating me so good. But.. why they start doing so, I blanked out. I will also feel very disappointed. Why is this so?
Why do I feel like this?
I hate life like this. I shouldn’t have known you, or ‘them’. No. No. No.
Maybe, oneday you will date her. But, another you will come back to me. and.. what the hell am I talking about? I don’t even understand you, or them. I don’t even know you at all. Time doesn’t prove anything. Words doesn’t mean anything.
I’m not her, to you.
You’re not him, to me.
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But.. let me tell you this, though. You will never get a chance to uncode me. Cos.. you don't even know me.
ASS.
For what, I do not know.
I just feel very unhappy, deep inside. Neither am I pissed nor am I angry. I'm feeling very uneasy. I think I care a lot. I think I mind it a lot. I think I feel those weird, weird emotions. And.. i think I'm jealous.
Really I'm.
Somehow, I don't like my attitude towards life and, how I treat people. I tend to 'use' people. I know it's true and I won't deny that. I admit, here and right now. For example, I use people to treat me things. I use people to buy things for me. I use people to do things for me. I use people to help out and attend my cca things. In a way, I use whoever, who is useful to me. I do sound mean and bad.
I know that.
All along, I always feel that only I have the rights to call all shots. Also, I assume that only I can command and demand people to do things, according to my wishes. But.. i was wrong. And the worst thing was, I didn't even know that I was wrong. I'm not saying that I'm a failure. I'm just picturing myself in my own life. I'm just elaborating to myself.
That's all.
Since young, I have been loved by all walks of life. The elders praised me for being guai, polite and filial. All my cousins flocked to me when I went back to Malaysia for visit. I have many friends. I also have many guy and girl friends, too. I have always been lucky and happy.
Normally, I don't fall for people. I rather people fall for me, instead. I don't have magic powers to alter anything in life. I'm just an ordinary and simple girl. I'm a human being, only. However so, I never like the feeling of people leaving me. It's just so complicated to explain so.
Let's skip that.
Right now, I just feel something's amiss. And.. seriously, I don't like that feeling. It's like a bit of betrayal. I know that I sound rather exaggerating. But, I'm really feeling outside inside now. I really feel 'not happy'. I can't say more. If not, he will know. But, I think I'm really selfish and greedy. We are not even together. And, he's not the one I really like. Yet, I still have those bitchy thoughts. I think I really ought to shut them out.
I have to zone down them.
Why can't I just be a better person? Why must I go and feel like that? I will be fine after a few days. I pray that I will be. I really do.
Jealousy is a most hatred feeling.
I know that.
Don't ask why.
I just feel very unhappy, deep inside. Neither am I pissed nor am I angry. I'm feeling very uneasy. I think I care a lot. I think I mind it a lot. I think I feel those weird, weird emotions. And.. i think I'm jealous.
Really I'm.
Somehow, I don't like my attitude towards life and, how I treat people. I tend to 'use' people. I know it's true and I won't deny that. I admit, here and right now. For example, I use people to treat me things. I use people to buy things for me. I use people to do things for me. I use people to help out and attend my cca things. In a way, I use whoever, who is useful to me. I do sound mean and bad.
I know that.
All along, I always feel that only I have the rights to call all shots. Also, I assume that only I can command and demand people to do things, according to my wishes. But.. i was wrong. And the worst thing was, I didn't even know that I was wrong. I'm not saying that I'm a failure. I'm just picturing myself in my own life. I'm just elaborating to myself.
That's all.
Since young, I have been loved by all walks of life. The elders praised me for being guai, polite and filial. All my cousins flocked to me when I went back to Malaysia for visit. I have many friends. I also have many guy and girl friends, too. I have always been lucky and happy.
Normally, I don't fall for people. I rather people fall for me, instead. I don't have magic powers to alter anything in life. I'm just an ordinary and simple girl. I'm a human being, only. However so, I never like the feeling of people leaving me. It's just so complicated to explain so.
Let's skip that.
Right now, I just feel something's amiss. And.. seriously, I don't like that feeling. It's like a bit of betrayal. I know that I sound rather exaggerating. But, I'm really feeling outside inside now. I really feel 'not happy'. I can't say more. If not, he will know. But, I think I'm really selfish and greedy. We are not even together. And, he's not the one I really like. Yet, I still have those bitchy thoughts. I think I really ought to shut them out.
I have to zone down them.
Why can't I just be a better person? Why must I go and feel like that? I will be fine after a few days. I pray that I will be. I really do.
Jealousy is a most hatred feeling.
I know that.
Don't ask why.
It is kind of sad to see the class falling apart. The girls has always been close, with or without me. I have no right to comment anything, though. But.. this is something that I feel deep inside. My own personal opinion.
Honestly, I never like the girls. I don't feel easy in their presence. I became dumb and silly with them. I don't know how to react to be the real me when I'm with them. I just feel as helpless as a baby. We don't click, that's it. That's why we are not in a clique. We don't mingle and, we don't share and talk much. We are just merely classmates. However hard I try, it really makes no difference. Thus, I give up.
I don't see much point in being with them. I don't get it why must I try to hard just in order to fit into their shoes. I really don't understand.
Today, I don't really know what happened between them. But.. the strains are seen. Some are avoiding some. There are cracks here and there. The atmosphere sounds tense. People are just faking around, anyway.
I know I'm kind of slow as a person. Even though I appear to be normal and smart in thinking perhaps, but there are really tons that I don't know. Often, my mind went whirling when people talks. Cos.. most of the time, I really don't get what they are talking about. I laughed cos they laughed. But, I don't dare to voice out, cos I know I'm not in their frequency levels of talk.
Thus, I kept quiet.
Normally, I like to talk. I'm a very talkative girl. I will just for hours and hours. But gradually, I began to feel that growing up can make one silent and stun. I'm quite lost, though. I have noble ambitions, too. But.. people will just laugh and say it's impossible for me. But, this is wrong. I'm going to prove to others. I'm not going to be that kan chiong spider, anymore. I will be a more steady spider. I will catch up with my pace. I will learn from mistakes and others. ( :
On the very first day of school, I heard 2 girls laughing at me. One was laughing and the other one was saying she knew what she was laughing at. And.. they were looking at me. Maybe I think too much. But, I think it somewhat, somehow has got something to do with me. And, the worse thing is they were standing right in front of me and my another classmate. The 3 of them were talking to my friend. I don't know if I react too much. But.. i guess. I will just pretend nothing happened. I'm dumb, but I'm dumb for my own likeness. I'm perfectly fine.
I know that.
I heard from Mui. School is dreaded boring. Actually, mine sucks too. It's really tedious and not fun at all. Boring, boring and boring! Everybody were like asking me how's school and stuff like that. And.. i'm also kind of sian, too. I don't hate school. After all, the school fees paid are so much, though. Money. A great sum of it. The hope of getting into a varsity never disappear right from the start. I'm still aiming it. Admist my grumbles and complains, I still want to work hard and strive for a degree. I want and I will. I trust myself.
Projects have started. And.. I got straight away into groups with someone whom I don't like. Not say don't like, but I don't click with these people. I have chosen the wrong I&E and ended up with people not my type. We are supposed to do a mini environmental project. I was suggesting a nature hiking trip or cycling at Ubin. They were like pinpointing all the way saying I wanna kill them, etc. I'm not angry, but if you wanna have something like green boardgames, say out your ideas. If you don't want this and that, tell me what you want. Don't just act like prince or princess. This is a school, not a playground or palace. And.. this is Singapore. I hope that they understand.
I like doing projects with people who really put in efforts. I don't like those with meti-extreme accents. They speak weird and don't do their parts. Sadly to sad, I have 2 projects with this another classmate of mine. Oh well, I will work hard myself with my another partner.
In conclusion.. No choice, group work = business. Sometimes, you just can't avoid nonsense. This is life, anyway. All I have to do is finish my part as a team member and I'll score well. That's what I care, though. Nothing more.
Another thing. I hate doing things which are irritating. Right from the start ever since I joined ERS, I never really enjoyed myself. I do, but most of the time I didn't. Cos.. i'm doing things which get on both my and others' nerves. It's irritaing to keep sms and call people to go for events. Why can't they just check their emails? Why? It's just a click away. You people can sign in to MSN and talk, etc. Yet, you can't check your emails. It's tiring to be a HR head. It's tiring. Soemmore, I still have to study, work and help out at home. I really hate my job. I wanna quit, but people keep saying don't quit don't quit. I get tired, really. I'm sad to see people's initiatives at such low levels. People are just so disappointing. I have wasted all my time and money, all along. ERS makes my phone bills explode. It's sad to have people backout last minute when their friends are not going. It's not fair, you know. How will you react if you are the organiser? I'm really at my loss end. Now.. i have to get people to go for that briefing tomorrow when me myself can't even go. I end class at 5pm and I will rush down to work cos it starts at 6pm. Saturday's meeting is also invalid as I'm working. It's like I'm not going then I still ask people to go even though I'm not the chairperson of meeting. I have to get the movie's numbers by today too. Really shit.
Ninjado is much more fun. All I have to do is to train, train and train myself. I ahve slacked too much. That's why I vomited during Monday's training. I feel more tired easily, now. I'm getting lazier and weaker at the same time. I wanna boost my morality up again. I mustn't fall like this, never. I will try more of my best. I don't want Jin Quan, especially to feel that we are not trainign hard. He's the one who enlightens me most of the time. LOL. ( :
Ok la. I talked too much already. ( :
Honestly, I never like the girls. I don't feel easy in their presence. I became dumb and silly with them. I don't know how to react to be the real me when I'm with them. I just feel as helpless as a baby. We don't click, that's it. That's why we are not in a clique. We don't mingle and, we don't share and talk much. We are just merely classmates. However hard I try, it really makes no difference. Thus, I give up.
I don't see much point in being with them. I don't get it why must I try to hard just in order to fit into their shoes. I really don't understand.
Today, I don't really know what happened between them. But.. the strains are seen. Some are avoiding some. There are cracks here and there. The atmosphere sounds tense. People are just faking around, anyway.
I know I'm kind of slow as a person. Even though I appear to be normal and smart in thinking perhaps, but there are really tons that I don't know. Often, my mind went whirling when people talks. Cos.. most of the time, I really don't get what they are talking about. I laughed cos they laughed. But, I don't dare to voice out, cos I know I'm not in their frequency levels of talk.
Thus, I kept quiet.
Normally, I like to talk. I'm a very talkative girl. I will just for hours and hours. But gradually, I began to feel that growing up can make one silent and stun. I'm quite lost, though. I have noble ambitions, too. But.. people will just laugh and say it's impossible for me. But, this is wrong. I'm going to prove to others. I'm not going to be that kan chiong spider, anymore. I will be a more steady spider. I will catch up with my pace. I will learn from mistakes and others. ( :
On the very first day of school, I heard 2 girls laughing at me. One was laughing and the other one was saying she knew what she was laughing at. And.. they were looking at me. Maybe I think too much. But, I think it somewhat, somehow has got something to do with me. And, the worse thing is they were standing right in front of me and my another classmate. The 3 of them were talking to my friend. I don't know if I react too much. But.. i guess. I will just pretend nothing happened. I'm dumb, but I'm dumb for my own likeness. I'm perfectly fine.
I know that.
I heard from Mui. School is dreaded boring. Actually, mine sucks too. It's really tedious and not fun at all. Boring, boring and boring! Everybody were like asking me how's school and stuff like that. And.. i'm also kind of sian, too. I don't hate school. After all, the school fees paid are so much, though. Money. A great sum of it. The hope of getting into a varsity never disappear right from the start. I'm still aiming it. Admist my grumbles and complains, I still want to work hard and strive for a degree. I want and I will. I trust myself.
Projects have started. And.. I got straight away into groups with someone whom I don't like. Not say don't like, but I don't click with these people. I have chosen the wrong I&E and ended up with people not my type. We are supposed to do a mini environmental project. I was suggesting a nature hiking trip or cycling at Ubin. They were like pinpointing all the way saying I wanna kill them, etc. I'm not angry, but if you wanna have something like green boardgames, say out your ideas. If you don't want this and that, tell me what you want. Don't just act like prince or princess. This is a school, not a playground or palace. And.. this is Singapore. I hope that they understand.
I like doing projects with people who really put in efforts. I don't like those with meti-extreme accents. They speak weird and don't do their parts. Sadly to sad, I have 2 projects with this another classmate of mine. Oh well, I will work hard myself with my another partner.
In conclusion.. No choice, group work = business. Sometimes, you just can't avoid nonsense. This is life, anyway. All I have to do is finish my part as a team member and I'll score well. That's what I care, though. Nothing more.
Another thing. I hate doing things which are irritating. Right from the start ever since I joined ERS, I never really enjoyed myself. I do, but most of the time I didn't. Cos.. i'm doing things which get on both my and others' nerves. It's irritaing to keep sms and call people to go for events. Why can't they just check their emails? Why? It's just a click away. You people can sign in to MSN and talk, etc. Yet, you can't check your emails. It's tiring to be a HR head. It's tiring. Soemmore, I still have to study, work and help out at home. I really hate my job. I wanna quit, but people keep saying don't quit don't quit. I get tired, really. I'm sad to see people's initiatives at such low levels. People are just so disappointing. I have wasted all my time and money, all along. ERS makes my phone bills explode. It's sad to have people backout last minute when their friends are not going. It's not fair, you know. How will you react if you are the organiser? I'm really at my loss end. Now.. i have to get people to go for that briefing tomorrow when me myself can't even go. I end class at 5pm and I will rush down to work cos it starts at 6pm. Saturday's meeting is also invalid as I'm working. It's like I'm not going then I still ask people to go even though I'm not the chairperson of meeting. I have to get the movie's numbers by today too. Really shit.
Ninjado is much more fun. All I have to do is to train, train and train myself. I ahve slacked too much. That's why I vomited during Monday's training. I feel more tired easily, now. I'm getting lazier and weaker at the same time. I wanna boost my morality up again. I mustn't fall like this, never. I will try more of my best. I don't want Jin Quan, especially to feel that we are not trainign hard. He's the one who enlightens me most of the time. LOL. ( :
Ok la. I talked too much already. ( :
It has been a long, long story.
This world is really a small one, too. Sometimes, I realised that I just can't seem to figure some things out. I struggled. I cried. I vexed. Those dark periods are my so-called sufferings in life. These few days, I really thought quite a lot.
Many people passed by me in my life. Some good, some bad. There are several impressions being left behind. Somehow, it puzzled me. I even felt that I never ever want to know some people I had known before. Suddenly, the past and future seem so redundant. Nothing is worth. There's nothing much to see.
Emotions have been rushing inside and out of me.
I felt numb.
Also, I felt lost.
Í guess I'm just too tired. I knew some untold secrets. I discovered some hidden stuffs. But.. i will keep my mouth shut. It's high tide to do some housekeeping for affairs. Let's not mubble anything. ( :
Some changes have been made. My fringe is short and nerd, now. I look so foreigner. I have also befriended some friends whom I never thought I would. Suddenly, I seem closer to the unusual crowds. Conflicts don't involve me in a swirling way, anyway. I'm unwanted and not cut out for these. Deep down inside, I miss many people. There are just so so much I need to say to some people.
Even though I had just met up with Flora for dinner, I still miss her. It was nice talking to her. It was nice hearing her sing and playing guitar. It was just so nice to be with her. Everything feels so great.
I missed Mui sama and Jojo. It has been ages since I last saw them. I didn't manage to play badminton with Mui. Neither did I manage to go out with Jojo. I really missed those great times with them. I don't have clicks or gangs. But.. i have them, that's most important.
I missed Alvin, too. But.. not as much as the above mentioned. Lol. He still owed me a letter. Wahahaha!
I missed Linda and Fu Xian. Wa.. it's really webs and webs. Linda's birthday present is still with me; the one somebody accidentally put into my bag that one. I looked forward to more Wednesdays with her and Fu Xian brother. Woo.. hope we're playing tennis soon. We rocks! ( :
I will be meeting Dean, too. A nice friend. Talking about him, I thought of Tin Song. I really miss him a lot lot, too. So so duper long never see liao. My super wonderful senior. How's NS and that bald head of yours? ( :
Mr Tan Wei Wen. Wa.. if he had not talked to me last night during MSN, I would really have forgotten him. And.. the last thing he said before going off is, has Mark found a girlfriend? I said yes and he just kept lol all the way. My goody ah-beng friend. Meet up soon?
Ninjado rocks. Fat Han Lun. Wahahaha!
ERS rocks when there's external fun, too. Han Sheng and his china soveniours for Nurul and me. I'm waitign, down here in Singapore. ( :
I wonder how's Clarence, too. He said he's waiting for NS. Wa.. and he has been working ever since he started attachment. Very powerful seh. All the best friend!
I miss Ah Hua and Ah Long, too. Guo, me, di and them didn't hang out ever since they come Singapore. Oneday, somehow, we must really show the 2 of them around.
I'm really bothered about the rest. Cos.. i'm not close to them. Lol.
I'm happy to know Nadz and gang, no matter is from Hui Min that gang or MMA side. I'm lucky to meet Nurul ang Huda. Glad I'm happy and close to them. Yeah. I'm also happy to be friends with many EE people. Chin and Choo, GXO, etc. I'm also happy to know other poly friends like Oliver, Zheng Kai, Zhi Quan gong gong, etc. I'm also glad that I didn't lose contact with Alvo, Gerry, Ivan, etc. I'm really satisfied.
That's enough.
I'm grateful for what I have, now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? Nobody.. all the best! Good luck. ( :
This world is really a small one, too. Sometimes, I realised that I just can't seem to figure some things out. I struggled. I cried. I vexed. Those dark periods are my so-called sufferings in life. These few days, I really thought quite a lot.
Many people passed by me in my life. Some good, some bad. There are several impressions being left behind. Somehow, it puzzled me. I even felt that I never ever want to know some people I had known before. Suddenly, the past and future seem so redundant. Nothing is worth. There's nothing much to see.
Emotions have been rushing inside and out of me.
I felt numb.
Also, I felt lost.
Í guess I'm just too tired. I knew some untold secrets. I discovered some hidden stuffs. But.. i will keep my mouth shut. It's high tide to do some housekeeping for affairs. Let's not mubble anything. ( :
Some changes have been made. My fringe is short and nerd, now. I look so foreigner. I have also befriended some friends whom I never thought I would. Suddenly, I seem closer to the unusual crowds. Conflicts don't involve me in a swirling way, anyway. I'm unwanted and not cut out for these. Deep down inside, I miss many people. There are just so so much I need to say to some people.
Even though I had just met up with Flora for dinner, I still miss her. It was nice talking to her. It was nice hearing her sing and playing guitar. It was just so nice to be with her. Everything feels so great.
I missed Mui sama and Jojo. It has been ages since I last saw them. I didn't manage to play badminton with Mui. Neither did I manage to go out with Jojo. I really missed those great times with them. I don't have clicks or gangs. But.. i have them, that's most important.
I missed Alvin, too. But.. not as much as the above mentioned. Lol. He still owed me a letter. Wahahaha!
I missed Linda and Fu Xian. Wa.. it's really webs and webs. Linda's birthday present is still with me; the one somebody accidentally put into my bag that one. I looked forward to more Wednesdays with her and Fu Xian brother. Woo.. hope we're playing tennis soon. We rocks! ( :
I will be meeting Dean, too. A nice friend. Talking about him, I thought of Tin Song. I really miss him a lot lot, too. So so duper long never see liao. My super wonderful senior. How's NS and that bald head of yours? ( :
Mr Tan Wei Wen. Wa.. if he had not talked to me last night during MSN, I would really have forgotten him. And.. the last thing he said before going off is, has Mark found a girlfriend? I said yes and he just kept lol all the way. My goody ah-beng friend. Meet up soon?
Ninjado rocks. Fat Han Lun. Wahahaha!
ERS rocks when there's external fun, too. Han Sheng and his china soveniours for Nurul and me. I'm waitign, down here in Singapore. ( :
I wonder how's Clarence, too. He said he's waiting for NS. Wa.. and he has been working ever since he started attachment. Very powerful seh. All the best friend!
I miss Ah Hua and Ah Long, too. Guo, me, di and them didn't hang out ever since they come Singapore. Oneday, somehow, we must really show the 2 of them around.
I'm really bothered about the rest. Cos.. i'm not close to them. Lol.
I'm happy to know Nadz and gang, no matter is from Hui Min that gang or MMA side. I'm lucky to meet Nurul ang Huda. Glad I'm happy and close to them. Yeah. I'm also happy to be friends with many EE people. Chin and Choo, GXO, etc. I'm also happy to know other poly friends like Oliver, Zheng Kai, Zhi Quan gong gong, etc. I'm also glad that I didn't lose contact with Alvo, Gerry, Ivan, etc. I'm really satisfied.
That's enough.
I'm grateful for what I have, now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? Nobody.. all the best! Good luck. ( :
Love.
Hmm.. what's love? Such an untouchable topic.
I have been watching dramas, these days. Those melodies and tunes. They really sound so familiar. It has been 5 years for me, after all. Today, I'm walking up and saying things all by myself. Deep inside, I'm still afraid. I'm still the old scardy cat like before. But.. i'm not totally as weak.
I'm stronger.
I'm a happier human being.
Somehow, I think life is really still not fair, at all. Why do people like to beat around the bushes? Why are secrets so hard to keep? Why are friendships so vulnerable? Why can't 2 people truly in love be together? Why are there always disturbances here and there?
Why?
There are just too many WHYs inside me. I wanna ask all that I can. I wanna clear up all of my single doubts. I'm just so-called lost, in a way. Perhaps.
Some things are never meant to be known in life. Just a maybe, only.
I might say that I like you. But, you like her. And, she like another him. That another him likes me instead. It's like.. life is really, very dramatic. Feelings are subtle creatures. Emotions dumped us in a haste. Life is indeed..
Weird?
One-sided love is really suffering. It kills and demolishes one's pure heart, that easily. It's kinda funny, to me. Some love are meant to be conditional, whereas, some are not. I mean.. dramas must be interesting to catch the audiences' attentions. But..
Are our lives also the same?
Everybody play a different role in the real life world. We are various characters in various people's life. For me, I might be in yours, but you might not be in mine, at all. I might be in his, but his is in hers, etc. I'm saying life is all about complications. In that way, it can be 'qualified' to be interesting and termed as 'life'.
Sounds rather..
You will never know what will be falling in love with your smiles, at this moment? Who knows? Aha..
This entry is written very badly. However so, at least I know what I wanna say. That's all. Shall we give a miss for the secrets? Shh.. it's time for school.
Argh.. sucks. All the best! I hope school will be fun later. And, training will be great! Bye. ( :
Hmm.. what's love? Such an untouchable topic.
I have been watching dramas, these days. Those melodies and tunes. They really sound so familiar. It has been 5 years for me, after all. Today, I'm walking up and saying things all by myself. Deep inside, I'm still afraid. I'm still the old scardy cat like before. But.. i'm not totally as weak.
I'm stronger.
I'm a happier human being.
Somehow, I think life is really still not fair, at all. Why do people like to beat around the bushes? Why are secrets so hard to keep? Why are friendships so vulnerable? Why can't 2 people truly in love be together? Why are there always disturbances here and there?
Why?
There are just too many WHYs inside me. I wanna ask all that I can. I wanna clear up all of my single doubts. I'm just so-called lost, in a way. Perhaps.
Some things are never meant to be known in life. Just a maybe, only.
I might say that I like you. But, you like her. And, she like another him. That another him likes me instead. It's like.. life is really, very dramatic. Feelings are subtle creatures. Emotions dumped us in a haste. Life is indeed..
Weird?
One-sided love is really suffering. It kills and demolishes one's pure heart, that easily. It's kinda funny, to me. Some love are meant to be conditional, whereas, some are not. I mean.. dramas must be interesting to catch the audiences' attentions. But..
Are our lives also the same?
Everybody play a different role in the real life world. We are various characters in various people's life. For me, I might be in yours, but you might not be in mine, at all. I might be in his, but his is in hers, etc. I'm saying life is all about complications. In that way, it can be 'qualified' to be interesting and termed as 'life'.
Sounds rather..
You will never know what will be falling in love with your smiles, at this moment? Who knows? Aha..
This entry is written very badly. However so, at least I know what I wanna say. That's all. Shall we give a miss for the secrets? Shh.. it's time for school.
Argh.. sucks. All the best! I hope school will be fun later. And, training will be great! Bye. ( :
It has been ages since the fall of darkness. It has been a really long, long time. The whirl of chimes swirled and tumbled down. Hence, swallowing the blind and tearing the innocent. Times have passed, once again. Yet, nothing was heard. Also, nothing was seen, too.
Oh..
The wonders of the creations of Earth are amazing. It is enlightening to see the maze of all walks of lives. How they ponder. How many start to wander off, in the dim of haze and misty. Will this era break down? Will everybody die? And.. why?
Not everyone deserve to die. Some are kind, and they just don't deserve it. It seems right from the beginning to let the badies die. They are bad, and therefore deserve it. My instincts tell me so, too. But.. i think I'm wrong. Somehow.
It all boils down to which type of person he or she is. It really depends. Somewhat, too. There's absolutely no fairness in this world. Nowadays, where can you find someone real upright and brutally honest? Straightforward is different. I'm talking about character. Likewise, life is also similar. Many things in life, I guess, none of us can't help stopping it. We are limited human resources.
Frankly speaking.
These days, I have been through a lot. Neither did it set me thinking nor whatever you call it, la. I just feel very tired, that's all. Really.. it has been quite a while I really sleep like a pig. It's either a very early or late day for me. Oh..
But, I don't mind. The value and power of this thing brushes me through. It swept me to life. It brought me experiences. It made me learnt something - the true natures of mankind. After all, it might be important or vice versa. I don't know. This is clueless. The pit is endless. I'm still finding the answers to my doubts. I'm still on the way. Spare me time. More of it, thank you.
I enjoyed my day with my flora lady. It really feels nice to get together with someone you are close but couldn't really meet up, often. I enjoyed the hours with noodle, too. It makes me feel secured that she will never leave me in the lurch. It sounds so using-somebody-like-a-tool now. But.. i don't mean that. I mean as a true buddy. I enjoyed the times with the ninjado gang. It makes me feel like myself, again. It has been a long time ever when I started feeling pure relaxed and happy. The feelings are so simple. Come to think of it, life hasn't been bad to me, after all. Even though I might have lost people whom I loved or cherished before in the past, it's perfectly alright. At least, I have recounted memories with them. And.. the most important thing is, I have gained more than I have, now.
I'm more contented than ever.
Thank you. If I still dwelled in those dreams, I will never wake up. It has been quite lucky that i deceided to give these a miss. I want to give life a shot. And.. i'm happy to meet people whom I never thought I will. School is great. Training is nice. Outings are fun. Work is new. Everything is going smoothly. (( :
Oh..
The wonders of the creations of Earth are amazing. It is enlightening to see the maze of all walks of lives. How they ponder. How many start to wander off, in the dim of haze and misty. Will this era break down? Will everybody die? And.. why?
Not everyone deserve to die. Some are kind, and they just don't deserve it. It seems right from the beginning to let the badies die. They are bad, and therefore deserve it. My instincts tell me so, too. But.. i think I'm wrong. Somehow.
It all boils down to which type of person he or she is. It really depends. Somewhat, too. There's absolutely no fairness in this world. Nowadays, where can you find someone real upright and brutally honest? Straightforward is different. I'm talking about character. Likewise, life is also similar. Many things in life, I guess, none of us can't help stopping it. We are limited human resources.
Frankly speaking.
These days, I have been through a lot. Neither did it set me thinking nor whatever you call it, la. I just feel very tired, that's all. Really.. it has been quite a while I really sleep like a pig. It's either a very early or late day for me. Oh..
But, I don't mind. The value and power of this thing brushes me through. It swept me to life. It brought me experiences. It made me learnt something - the true natures of mankind. After all, it might be important or vice versa. I don't know. This is clueless. The pit is endless. I'm still finding the answers to my doubts. I'm still on the way. Spare me time. More of it, thank you.
I enjoyed my day with my flora lady. It really feels nice to get together with someone you are close but couldn't really meet up, often. I enjoyed the hours with noodle, too. It makes me feel secured that she will never leave me in the lurch. It sounds so using-somebody-like-a-tool now. But.. i don't mean that. I mean as a true buddy. I enjoyed the times with the ninjado gang. It makes me feel like myself, again. It has been a long time ever when I started feeling pure relaxed and happy. The feelings are so simple. Come to think of it, life hasn't been bad to me, after all. Even though I might have lost people whom I loved or cherished before in the past, it's perfectly alright. At least, I have recounted memories with them. And.. the most important thing is, I have gained more than I have, now.
I'm more contented than ever.
Thank you. If I still dwelled in those dreams, I will never wake up. It has been quite lucky that i deceided to give these a miss. I want to give life a shot. And.. i'm happy to meet people whom I never thought I will. School is great. Training is nice. Outings are fun. Work is new. Everything is going smoothly. (( :
I used to enjoy taking photos very much. I like to snap shots of the surroundings. I like to picture people inside the camera. But.. that was years ago.
Today, I stopped taking photos. I don't even like to stare into the mirror. I feel scared and alone. Sometimes, I will even cry in front of the mirror. I just hate seeing things through the mirror and lens. Let alone reflections. Something will just come out from the glasses or screens. And.. i hated gyms lots.
Perhaps I sound rather dead. This is a rather dumb excuse, people might say. But.. so what? I don't even give a freaking damn.
Even since I stepped into secondary 3, I became too withdrawn. Gradually, I lost contact with many people. And.. i wasn't the old Lim Xue Yan Joyce, then. I was just so indifferent. Out of sudden, I really don't know what is going on and literally stood there like an idiot. Eveything changed overnight, for me. His departure was one of the greatest regret in my life.
Today, I'm no longer mourning. I'm just leading a normal life - an era without his presence. I am as happy as before, now. I'm not the depressed creature, then.
But.. he left me scars.
I hated taking photos. It reminds me of him. It makes me feel that everybody who take photos with me will die. I feel really guilty. Those happy memories were slowly fading. What's the point of remembering something which makes you sad all year round? I don't wanna history to repeat itself. It has been 5 years, hasn't it?
I can't help it, either. I can't simply stop people dead in their tracks and explain why I don't wanna take photos with them. Right? I can't. I enjoyed the warmth I got back, then. I'm satisfied with all the love, care and concern I got, then. I was really happy, then. I was leading a blissful life.
Last night, on a particular day, I went out alone. I took all his remainings things, away. His presents, gifts, photos.. everything that rightfully belonged to him. I took everything I took with or from him. I dugged a hole and dumped everything there. And.. i swore.
I said, "From today onwards, I will be free. I shall not be tied down by the seas of miseries. Everything is over, now. I have no worries, anymore. Never..".
And.. i did. Today, I will still be sad or stressed. But, I'm doing for different causes. I'm worrying what normal students or teenagers do. I'm perfectly alright. I know I am and I will be. This is the aftermath of a recovery. This is the present me.
However so, these words and sentences seem to contribute nothing to the photo phobia. But to me, it did. I shrugged at teh sound of clickings and shrieks of flashes. I will tend to feel that my life is in danger if people keep taking photos. I will have difficulty in breathing. And.. i will not be able to see clearly. Those emotions will rush me thoroughly. That's why I find myself so unnatural and silly. I really don't wanna take photos, again. I can't bear to even see the sight of those appliances. Really. I have my own reasons, though it sounds so artificial.
I knew it.
But.. that's the truth. It bore me no grudges but I missed those olden days. Today, I will be lying if I still loved him. I don't. After all, it has so long. In my heart, there's just this person that I buried up, ages. He will always there, a prominent figure to guide me through my future life. I'm happy I have him. I'm glad he taught me many things, then. I'm lucky to just meet him.
I can't stop people from saying. I can't make people to know me. I can't force people to accept some weird things from me. In the first place, I never even think of that, before. If critics think otherwise, that will just be too bad. I can't change people's thinking. But.. i can change my fate.
And..
I did. In a way which I think I did. (( :
Today, I stopped taking photos. I don't even like to stare into the mirror. I feel scared and alone. Sometimes, I will even cry in front of the mirror. I just hate seeing things through the mirror and lens. Let alone reflections. Something will just come out from the glasses or screens. And.. i hated gyms lots.
Perhaps I sound rather dead. This is a rather dumb excuse, people might say. But.. so what? I don't even give a freaking damn.
Even since I stepped into secondary 3, I became too withdrawn. Gradually, I lost contact with many people. And.. i wasn't the old Lim Xue Yan Joyce, then. I was just so indifferent. Out of sudden, I really don't know what is going on and literally stood there like an idiot. Eveything changed overnight, for me. His departure was one of the greatest regret in my life.
Today, I'm no longer mourning. I'm just leading a normal life - an era without his presence. I am as happy as before, now. I'm not the depressed creature, then.
But.. he left me scars.
I hated taking photos. It reminds me of him. It makes me feel that everybody who take photos with me will die. I feel really guilty. Those happy memories were slowly fading. What's the point of remembering something which makes you sad all year round? I don't wanna history to repeat itself. It has been 5 years, hasn't it?
I can't help it, either. I can't simply stop people dead in their tracks and explain why I don't wanna take photos with them. Right? I can't. I enjoyed the warmth I got back, then. I'm satisfied with all the love, care and concern I got, then. I was really happy, then. I was leading a blissful life.
Last night, on a particular day, I went out alone. I took all his remainings things, away. His presents, gifts, photos.. everything that rightfully belonged to him. I took everything I took with or from him. I dugged a hole and dumped everything there. And.. i swore.
I said, "From today onwards, I will be free. I shall not be tied down by the seas of miseries. Everything is over, now. I have no worries, anymore. Never..".
And.. i did. Today, I will still be sad or stressed. But, I'm doing for different causes. I'm worrying what normal students or teenagers do. I'm perfectly alright. I know I am and I will be. This is the aftermath of a recovery. This is the present me.
However so, these words and sentences seem to contribute nothing to the photo phobia. But to me, it did. I shrugged at teh sound of clickings and shrieks of flashes. I will tend to feel that my life is in danger if people keep taking photos. I will have difficulty in breathing. And.. i will not be able to see clearly. Those emotions will rush me thoroughly. That's why I find myself so unnatural and silly. I really don't wanna take photos, again. I can't bear to even see the sight of those appliances. Really. I have my own reasons, though it sounds so artificial.
I knew it.
But.. that's the truth. It bore me no grudges but I missed those olden days. Today, I will be lying if I still loved him. I don't. After all, it has so long. In my heart, there's just this person that I buried up, ages. He will always there, a prominent figure to guide me through my future life. I'm happy I have him. I'm glad he taught me many things, then. I'm lucky to just meet him.
I can't stop people from saying. I can't make people to know me. I can't force people to accept some weird things from me. In the first place, I never even think of that, before. If critics think otherwise, that will just be too bad. I can't change people's thinking. But.. i can change my fate.
And..
I did. In a way which I think I did. (( :
I really, really don't know what to do. I really, really hope to calm down and relax myself. But.. somehow, I fail to do my part. I'm a human. I can breathe, talk and walk. In addition, I can smile, laugh and cry. I really, really do.
So.. is my future still a bleak one?
Is there anymore thing I can do? I just want to save myself from the indulgence and mists. I'm really, really tired. I really, really don't want to think things with my legs. I have a brain and ought to make good use of my cells. That is the only right thing I should do.
Come on.. let's just knock it off. Pea-brain.
I thought everything is back to normal after the last weekend I had. Yes, it is. The breeze and cool era. How can I just blank out? I can never forget. Yes, I can't. It's time to pull myself together, again.
Hello.. are you there?
Please.
Just take things easy, will you? You can and, eventually, will. Kindly bear yourself some reminders. If you lost, just find somebody to talk to. Don't.. don't keep things to yourself. If not, you will only be lost in your dreams. You will never find another alternative to return away. You have choices. You have yourself to count onto. Don't be scared. (( :
Life seems like a joke. Everybody seem to be fools playing along. But.. why? Why do I feel like that? Why is life so pathetic? Why are the masks all floating around? Why is it so smelly? Why can't I see anything? Why can't I hear anything? Why can't I touch anything? Am I prohibited?
Oh man.
After minutes of thinking while writing these junks..
I wanted to say something else. Really something else.
Maybe I sound contradicting. But, I get what I mean. That's enough. (( :
And the thing is.. i finally woke up!
I realised something. At least, I'm really, really much more luckier than others. I lead a fortunate life. I do not pang for concerns. I'm not one who hunger for love all my life. Also, I do understand myself, as well as certain. I imagine myself as a kid who's living in a sweet shp whereby I experienced the real emotions rush of beings. I'm a sophisticated grown-up, in a way. In the way, I steered clear of those wild, holy and all-consuming states. Now.. i do beg to differ.
And I felt about 30 years old, mature, and wise, and overwhemling. I felt great, suddenly. Sometimes, mood swings do get one carried away. It's really bad for health. And.. i felt like saying this, too.
"Let nature take its own course."
** My handphone will be back tomorrow. And.. i'm richer after getting my pay. Woohoo! Maybe it's time to get 2 outer jackets. My hairdo needs a re-vamp, too. Let me consider deeply, thoroughly, first. (( :
So.. is my future still a bleak one?
Is there anymore thing I can do? I just want to save myself from the indulgence and mists. I'm really, really tired. I really, really don't want to think things with my legs. I have a brain and ought to make good use of my cells. That is the only right thing I should do.
Come on.. let's just knock it off. Pea-brain.
I thought everything is back to normal after the last weekend I had. Yes, it is. The breeze and cool era. How can I just blank out? I can never forget. Yes, I can't. It's time to pull myself together, again.
Hello.. are you there?
Please.
Just take things easy, will you? You can and, eventually, will. Kindly bear yourself some reminders. If you lost, just find somebody to talk to. Don't.. don't keep things to yourself. If not, you will only be lost in your dreams. You will never find another alternative to return away. You have choices. You have yourself to count onto. Don't be scared. (( :
Life seems like a joke. Everybody seem to be fools playing along. But.. why? Why do I feel like that? Why is life so pathetic? Why are the masks all floating around? Why is it so smelly? Why can't I see anything? Why can't I hear anything? Why can't I touch anything? Am I prohibited?
Oh man.
After minutes of thinking while writing these junks..
I wanted to say something else. Really something else.
Maybe I sound contradicting. But, I get what I mean. That's enough. (( :
And the thing is.. i finally woke up!
I realised something. At least, I'm really, really much more luckier than others. I lead a fortunate life. I do not pang for concerns. I'm not one who hunger for love all my life. Also, I do understand myself, as well as certain. I imagine myself as a kid who's living in a sweet shp whereby I experienced the real emotions rush of beings. I'm a sophisticated grown-up, in a way. In the way, I steered clear of those wild, holy and all-consuming states. Now.. i do beg to differ.
And I felt about 30 years old, mature, and wise, and overwhemling. I felt great, suddenly. Sometimes, mood swings do get one carried away. It's really bad for health. And.. i felt like saying this, too.
"Let nature take its own course."
** My handphone will be back tomorrow. And.. i'm richer after getting my pay. Woohoo! Maybe it's time to get 2 outer jackets. My hairdo needs a re-vamp, too. Let me consider deeply, thoroughly, first. (( :
I guess I'm the first to blog about this. Anyway, oh well..
Frankly speaking, I'm happy that I went for this chalet. I really enjoyed myself very much, though. Being with this bunch of friends brought me lots of laughters and hopes into my life. In other words, enlightenment. (( :
First of all, thank you Mr Jinquan for plannning these. He made surprises, surprisedly. This stayover, in addition with the food and miscellanous expenses must have cost him a bomb. But.. he just wanted the rest to enjoy themselves. That's all. He's nice and nice and nice. HAHA! Tiew J Q John is the best senior I have ever had, before. I think he will laugh at the bold words. (( :
Second, a big thank you to William for his care and concern. He's always waiting for me when I'm walking at the back. I'm very touched. He was being 'bullied' in some ways. I'm happy that I know him and can share my joys and sorrows with a somebody like him. However so.. he's 'hot'! Woohoo! Lol. William.. jia you! (( :
Third, it was really nice to know Dawn, too. Even she's petite in size, she seems sensible and knowledgeable. Overall, she reminds me of Mark Lim, again. I think she's well-mannered and I'm happy to be her friend. Now.. i know where to bring her for meals, next time. Ice-cream. (( :
Fourth, I'm thankful to Beesim, too. It was great knowing her. Honestly, I think she behaves like me. She looks like me. She seems to share many similar things as me. Heh heh. The only differences are that'.. she has a boyfriend now, but I don't. She has long and nice siky hair while mine's messy like a broom. I wear spectacles but she has a perfect eyesight. I don't know if she notices or not. I think I like to hang out with her more. She's really a nice girl. We like yellow colour! (( :
Fifth, my dear baboon or minced meat. I'm sorry to say that you are the son of a chicken wing. Here's my terribly apologies. I didn't mean it, though. I thought I heard you said this, but in the end you said that. I really need to go and dig my ears. My ears are turning rusty and collecting spiderwebs now. Anyway.. mark cheong is a nice friend, too. He will one who will allow you to grip onto when you are scared. He is there to comfort when you are afraid of the dark, as such. He's great! Woohoo! Thanks man. (( :
Last but not least, hi Derrick. I don't know if he still read my blog or not. Nevertheless, I hope he's happy too. At least, he has had 6 people to celebrate his 'big' date with him. I feel sorry for him that he's being drawn on his face, thrown onto with flour, water and eggs. Aww.. to me, that's disgusting. I wouldn't imagine myself to be in his shoes. He seems so down right for the start on Friday. Maybe he's stressed up with his personal problems. I appreciate for his lame jokes, too. I just want him to be carefree and happy, too. Hope he likes my small bear bear and lighbulb keychain. I'm sorry that I made him bathed in 'cold' water and pulled his hair. Hope it's not that pain. If not, I will let him pull oen strand of mine, next time. Derrick is nice in his ways, too. Woohoo! (( :
Lol. It's a pity that Weixin, Ryan and Xiang didn't join us this time. I missed them lots, especially Xiang. It has been ages since I last saw her. Wonder how is she now? For Ryan.. cos I'm still waiting for my chocolates. If I never see him, I can't get my share. So.. can Ryan please faster meet me? Heh heh. Ops.. sorry I'm so 'materialistic'. For Weixin, hope you are getting better now. We must meet up soon. Initially, I thought we could talked during chalet. But alas, you can't come. Wahaha!
Also, the air-conditioning is bad for chalet. It's damn cold. The movies and shows were great. The music were blasting superb! Haha. Anyway, I'm also not so 'green', too. Sorry if I keep nagging everybody and switching the air-cons and lights in the chalet. No ill intentions, though. That's all. I need to keep things sweet, short and simple. I think Í wrote too many things for my entries. Lol. (( :
All the things she said came in all sorts of random thoughts. She thought she managed to let herself out. She regained back certain spirits and happiness. She dwelled in pleasant and positive thoughts in life, now. It's great knowing that, isn't it?
Frankly speaking, I'm happy that I went for this chalet. I really enjoyed myself very much, though. Being with this bunch of friends brought me lots of laughters and hopes into my life. In other words, enlightenment. (( :
First of all, thank you Mr Jinquan for plannning these. He made surprises, surprisedly. This stayover, in addition with the food and miscellanous expenses must have cost him a bomb. But.. he just wanted the rest to enjoy themselves. That's all. He's nice and nice and nice. HAHA! Tiew J Q John is the best senior I have ever had, before. I think he will laugh at the bold words. (( :
Second, a big thank you to William for his care and concern. He's always waiting for me when I'm walking at the back. I'm very touched. He was being 'bullied' in some ways. I'm happy that I know him and can share my joys and sorrows with a somebody like him. However so.. he's 'hot'! Woohoo! Lol. William.. jia you! (( :
Third, it was really nice to know Dawn, too. Even she's petite in size, she seems sensible and knowledgeable. Overall, she reminds me of Mark Lim, again. I think she's well-mannered and I'm happy to be her friend. Now.. i know where to bring her for meals, next time. Ice-cream. (( :
Fourth, I'm thankful to Beesim, too. It was great knowing her. Honestly, I think she behaves like me. She looks like me. She seems to share many similar things as me. Heh heh. The only differences are that'.. she has a boyfriend now, but I don't. She has long and nice siky hair while mine's messy like a broom. I wear spectacles but she has a perfect eyesight. I don't know if she notices or not. I think I like to hang out with her more. She's really a nice girl. We like yellow colour! (( :
Fifth, my dear baboon or minced meat. I'm sorry to say that you are the son of a chicken wing. Here's my terribly apologies. I didn't mean it, though. I thought I heard you said this, but in the end you said that. I really need to go and dig my ears. My ears are turning rusty and collecting spiderwebs now. Anyway.. mark cheong is a nice friend, too. He will one who will allow you to grip onto when you are scared. He is there to comfort when you are afraid of the dark, as such. He's great! Woohoo! Thanks man. (( :
Last but not least, hi Derrick. I don't know if he still read my blog or not. Nevertheless, I hope he's happy too. At least, he has had 6 people to celebrate his 'big' date with him. I feel sorry for him that he's being drawn on his face, thrown onto with flour, water and eggs. Aww.. to me, that's disgusting. I wouldn't imagine myself to be in his shoes. He seems so down right for the start on Friday. Maybe he's stressed up with his personal problems. I appreciate for his lame jokes, too. I just want him to be carefree and happy, too. Hope he likes my small bear bear and lighbulb keychain. I'm sorry that I made him bathed in 'cold' water and pulled his hair. Hope it's not that pain. If not, I will let him pull oen strand of mine, next time. Derrick is nice in his ways, too. Woohoo! (( :
Lol. It's a pity that Weixin, Ryan and Xiang didn't join us this time. I missed them lots, especially Xiang. It has been ages since I last saw her. Wonder how is she now? For Ryan.. cos I'm still waiting for my chocolates. If I never see him, I can't get my share. So.. can Ryan please faster meet me? Heh heh. Ops.. sorry I'm so 'materialistic'. For Weixin, hope you are getting better now. We must meet up soon. Initially, I thought we could talked during chalet. But alas, you can't come. Wahaha!
Also, the air-conditioning is bad for chalet. It's damn cold. The movies and shows were great. The music were blasting superb! Haha. Anyway, I'm also not so 'green', too. Sorry if I keep nagging everybody and switching the air-cons and lights in the chalet. No ill intentions, though. That's all. I need to keep things sweet, short and simple. I think Í wrote too many things for my entries. Lol. (( :
All the things she said came in all sorts of random thoughts. She thought she managed to let herself out. She regained back certain spirits and happiness. She dwelled in pleasant and positive thoughts in life, now. It's great knowing that, isn't it?
