smallminded;

I used to enjoy taking photos very much. I like to snap shots of the surroundings. I like to picture people inside the camera. But.. that was years ago.

Today, I stopped taking photos. I don't even like to stare into the mirror. I feel scared and alone. Sometimes, I will even cry in front of the mirror. I just hate seeing things through the mirror and lens. Let alone reflections. Something will just come out from the glasses or screens. And.. i hated gyms lots.

Perhaps I sound rather dead. This is a rather dumb excuse, people might say. But.. so what? I don't even give a freaking damn.

Even since I stepped into secondary 3, I became too withdrawn. Gradually, I lost contact with many people. And.. i wasn't the old Lim Xue Yan Joyce, then. I was just so indifferent. Out of sudden, I really don't know what is going on and literally stood there like an idiot. Eveything changed overnight, for me. His departure was one of the greatest regret in my life.

Today, I'm no longer mourning. I'm just leading a normal life - an era without his presence. I am as happy as before, now. I'm not the depressed creature, then.

But.. he left me scars.

I hated taking photos. It reminds me of him. It makes me feel that everybody who take photos with me will die. I feel really guilty. Those happy memories were slowly fading. What's the point of remembering something which makes you sad all year round? I don't wanna history to repeat itself. It has been 5 years, hasn't it?

I can't help it, either. I can't simply stop people dead in their tracks and explain why I don't wanna take photos with them. Right? I can't. I enjoyed the warmth I got back, then. I'm satisfied with all the love, care and concern I got, then. I was really happy, then. I was leading a blissful life.

Last night, on a particular day, I went out alone. I took all his remainings things, away. His presents, gifts, photos.. everything that rightfully belonged to him. I took everything I took with or from him. I dugged a hole and dumped everything there. And.. i swore.

I said, "From today onwards, I will be free. I shall not be tied down by the seas of miseries. Everything is over, now. I have no worries, anymore. Never..".

And.. i did. Today, I will still be sad or stressed. But, I'm doing for different causes. I'm worrying what normal students or teenagers do. I'm perfectly alright. I know I am and I will be. This is the aftermath of a recovery. This is the present me.

However so, these words and sentences seem to contribute nothing to the photo phobia. But to me, it did. I shrugged at teh sound of clickings and shrieks of flashes. I will tend to feel that my life is in danger if people keep taking photos. I will have difficulty in breathing. And.. i will not be able to see clearly. Those emotions will rush me thoroughly. That's why I find myself so unnatural and silly. I really don't wanna take photos, again. I can't bear to even see the sight of those appliances. Really. I have my own reasons, though it sounds so artificial.

I knew it.

But.. that's the truth. It bore me no grudges but I missed those olden days. Today, I will be lying if I still loved him. I don't. After all, it has so long. In my heart, there's just this person that I buried up, ages. He will always there, a prominent figure to guide me through my future life. I'm happy I have him. I'm glad he taught me many things, then. I'm lucky to just meet him.

I can't stop people from saying. I can't make people to know me. I can't force people to accept some weird things from me. In the first place, I never even think of that, before. If critics think otherwise, that will just be too bad. I can't change people's thinking. But.. i can change my fate.

And..

I did. In a way which I think I did. (( :