smallminded;

Often, people say that laughter is the best medicine. Yet.. now, I feel like crying. I don’t sense anymore joy or achievement in life. It’s like I’m dead yesterday. Nothing seems meaningful. And.. I can’t do much, either.

Somehow, life is pathetic.

Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody gets what I mean. Nobody understands me. Nobody at all.

Seriously, I don’t know how to define a failure. I’m not even sure if I’m one. I don’t wish to fall into that category. But, I’m just sinking deeper and deeper into an unknown dungeon. Many things in life are unreachable. If you think that something is worth, please grab no waste of time and do them.

That being said, I still feel scared. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. i don't even know what I’m doing now.. let alone, to find out what i need to do. I’m totally lost. My sense of directions has always been very lousy. Now, it’s even worse! Oh my goodness. Can somebody wake me up?

Damn it.

I have a friend who used to say that life is one damn thing then we die. Now to think of it, he has a point there. Somehow, I agree, wholeheartedly. I’m deeply ashamed of my sins and will not be able to atone from them, now. I’m neither feeling sad nor angry. I’m just disappointed with life. I thought that everything was over. But.. the shooting still continues. I feel tired. I don’t wish to move on anymore. The distance seems further. Spare me.

I used to laugh at people. How silly of them to waste their youth and time on things which they can choose not to do. But.. what am I doing now? Isn’t it the same? I lost my rights to argue back, too. Frankly speaking, I’m not one who can lead. I would just drop dead instantly. Recently, lots of escapism has been running through my mind. The chanting has been never-ending. By right, it has never stopped before. Oh man..

I was wrong.

I thought I could be happier. I thought I could change everything. Now that everything come tumbling down, I realised that I’m just a human being, only. I can’t do much. I can’t change things which I can’t in the first place. I ought to learn how to let go at the right time. I need to really let go. Goodbye is easy to say so, isn’t it?

Oh my lord. Here’s a tiny request from me.. please. Please just take away those bumps inside me. I hate those thoughts. All I want is a carefree life whereby I work and study. Nothing else. I want nobody. I want nothing. I want just – myself and my dearest family. I appreciate whatever is being done to and for me. But..

I’m not the same, anymore. I’m no longer that small girl in my parents’ eyes. I’m not that kid. I’m just a little somebody in my own street. I walk alone. I peddle to find my own way. I sniff and grope around. I live amidst my dreams and hopes in life. Have a faith and heart. Kindly do not crash my single every desires. I can’t bear all those sufferings. I can’t withstand them. I will surely die. Really.

How I miss those days. How I wish I was in the past. How I hope to change everything. How I depend on them. How I made use of him. How I cheated her. How I scratched out the friendships. How I tricked life. How I abused myself. How I know myself. How I erase off those memories. How I buried his stuffs. How I cried. How I hate myself. How I bleed deep down.

I can’t help it. I just can’t take things lying down. No. Never..

She closed her eyes and heaved a sign of relief. Let’s just forget everything and continue to sleep on. She’s a bitch. But.. so what?

They are worse.