smallminded;

Yes, I’m back. And, I hope nobody will read this. Usually, I write long. This time round, I will write longer.

So.. Joyce, how’s life?

Good question. Let’s do a quick update, now. Yes, now.

Caught in between friends and family. GOODD!

Lost of motivation in life! WOOHOO..

Lost the happiness I once had! YEAHHH!!!~

Messing myself up with 2 clubs. WAA..

Living a life just to see what crap I'll get the next day. And, the next next day too. FOOL!!!~

Preparing for competition. HOHOHO!!!~

Waiting for things which will never come back. HEY HEY!!!~

Torturing myself during training and then throwing slight tantrums amidst? FOOO!!!~

Having more pimples popping out. WHATTHEHELL!!!~

Gaining more excess of flabby fats and untarnished images of myself. WONDERFUL!!!~

Being insulted and laughed at? COOL MAN!!!~

Life is just tremendously interesting for me. Neither can I cry nor scream. I should not feel angry, sad or disappointed. By right, I will feel numb. An empty shell covers life like a pile of shit. At least, it hides the bare truth from the public. The lame outsiders..

I wish I never had a soft heart. I wish I am that strong person I imagine to be. I just want to help people get back on their feet. I just want to make people happy. If only I could be a real bitch. I want to be as mean as possible. I want to pay back to those who bullied me. I want to retaliate. I want to attack them. I want ot be the ultimate winner. Then maybe things would be better. Or, maybe I could leave things as it is, and never bring it back.

I just want to make myself more natural and at ease.

Freshies catching up with me. School work piling high up. Work landing myself in a muddy auntie era sessions. ERS making me inside out. Ninjado collecting all my wounds and bruises. Classmates raging war with each other. Doing projects with people whom I don’t like. Organising events with many non-turnouts. Publicizing for nothing. Having no acknowledges time after time. Emotions building up inside me.

However hard I tried, just to make an effort for life to seem good. Laughing with people who look down on me. Faking my friendliness and kindness with the posers. Trying to be the same old me.

Today, I’m smiling even after getting stabbed straight in the heart. WOOHOO!~

Life is beautiful, with so many things.

Indeed, it is.

Let’s just give another round of applause to it. Welcome to this inner corner of an ordinary soul.Oh well. I'll take this opportunity to voice out. My space. That's what this website of mine is for, by the way. WAHAHA!!!~

Here they go.. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..

To all those who openly make fun of me in any ways. You can laugh, jeer or talk behind my back. But, let me tell you this. I don’t mind at all. Maybe it has yet occurred to you that I'm not exactly am endurer. I do curse and swear, but not often. I’m not a saint. It’s just that I just have this heart that didn’t want to spoil your day by saying nasty, evil things back. You people will never get to read this. But still, I want to say you have hurt me deep and made me sad before. I will forgive you but you have already engraved a crack inside me.

You really hurt me.

I don’t hate people, now. Given the past, it will just be this what-the-hell. I know you might perhaps don't give a damn, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just contented cos I’m saying things that I wanted to voice out ages back.

Continue if you want to..

Sometimes, it’s really normal to safeguard yourself from the surrounding people. Never learn to trust human beings that easily. Years of friendships might fall out, what more about months? This is a fact I will learn to live with.

I can die from emotional hurt.

But right now, it doesn’t really matter. Even since Hao’s departure, I know to treasure more of my loved ones. Grandpa’s death is a warning to me. Gong gong’s stroke made my instinct sharper. Somehow, I’m more aware of myself. It's in my genes to be simple-minded. I don’t blame my genes cos I can never change them. If not, it really sounds more and more dumb. Since young, I can never do well in studies. I have no special talents. I’m just as ordinary as possible. I don’t have a pretty, adorable face either.

In short, no figure or looks or brains.

Nevertheless..

One thing good about is life is that, I’m different from others. I’m not very popular. I’m not the famous of all. But, I get different types and kinds of people to like and adore me anywhere I go. I get all the genuine care and concern. I also get all the praises which others don’t have. I got more than them. Thus, I’m luckier, in a sense.

Maybe it’s just my life.

Fate, rather?

I won't be able to get together with the guy whom I fall for. His death really taught me something valuable. This is an unforgettable lesson. But, I’m not a jinx. Oh well, that's just my luck. Anyway, life isn't always what it seems. If not, why will people say that life’s so unfair?

Honestly, I don't expect good things to come my way often, too. And, love doesn't really come easy for me anymore. I'm just too not ready to support someone's emotions in my current state. The past is a tough period. Come to think of it, I really walked a long, tough way. Still, I’m walking and jogging now. At least, I’m moving.

I’m out of the darkness corner.

Even so, I still lacked self confidence. I still feel that I’m not trying hard enough. I also know that I’m still that old, matured, fat, short and ugly girl. I can only cut down feeling them but I will not change them. I’m born to look like this. Saying more sounds real silly.

Yeah?

Today, I have lost my colours of youth. I’m not as shiny as before. I feel weird to find myself attractive. Cos I ain’t. All along, I knew I kept contradicting myself. And, it has been up to Florence’s nerve. Who doesn’t want to look gorgeous with angel face and pretty clothes? I want and yearn to.

But, I’m not used to it.

I just hope the public will make me be not so self-conscious about myself. Somehow, I feel people keep staring at me when I’m outside. Am I so ugly or horrifying for you guys to look until like this? Maybe I reacted too much. But, I do know that people laughed at me. I heard them.

I really did.

But still..

A big thanks to those who stand by me. It’s you people who keep me in one piece in every single day of life. Really.. I know who you are, and that’s all. Even if you don’t regard me in the same status as I did for you, it’s perfectly alright. Cos.. To me, if you are then you are. I never mean anything. These are just my words of expressions.

One last thing before I sign off..

I think I’m selfish. But, what more can I do?

All along, I only wanted people to give in and the best for me. It’s a norm for people to like me more that I do for me. I have always wanted to be protected by people. I wanted more love and feelings. But, it’s so dramatic to see guys whom initially like you to like your own other friends, instead. It’s exaggerating cos you are not even somebody so cherished in the other party’s heart.

But, it’s kind of unfair. Maybe, just a maybe, looks are after all important. I can never be compared to a movie star. I’m not pretty or cute or sweet. If dates are just dates, then best of luck guys. I’m jealous of girls or woman who better images. They have sharper noses, brighter and bigger eyes and other more perfect figure and face features.

Well, that’s their fortune, I guess.

I’m off to a live full of certified crap. Even though it might not be so colourful as the trendy people, but I’m alright with it. I’m just – myself. I will set my goals. If not, I can go bang my head onto the wall, again. I really, really need to concentrate on my studies.

2 days, a friend asked me what will I react if she suddenly leave or backstab me one day?

You knew what my answer was?

I said, “I will leave you. But, I will not hate you.”

Full stop, period.

Shut up.