smallminded;

Often, people say that laughter is the best medicine. Yet.. now, I feel like crying. I don’t sense anymore joy or achievement in life. It’s like I’m dead yesterday. Nothing seems meaningful. And.. I can’t do much, either.

Somehow, life is pathetic.

Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody gets what I mean. Nobody understands me. Nobody at all.

Seriously, I don’t know how to define a failure. I’m not even sure if I’m one. I don’t wish to fall into that category. But, I’m just sinking deeper and deeper into an unknown dungeon. Many things in life are unreachable. If you think that something is worth, please grab no waste of time and do them.

That being said, I still feel scared. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. i don't even know what I’m doing now.. let alone, to find out what i need to do. I’m totally lost. My sense of directions has always been very lousy. Now, it’s even worse! Oh my goodness. Can somebody wake me up?

Damn it.

I have a friend who used to say that life is one damn thing then we die. Now to think of it, he has a point there. Somehow, I agree, wholeheartedly. I’m deeply ashamed of my sins and will not be able to atone from them, now. I’m neither feeling sad nor angry. I’m just disappointed with life. I thought that everything was over. But.. the shooting still continues. I feel tired. I don’t wish to move on anymore. The distance seems further. Spare me.

I used to laugh at people. How silly of them to waste their youth and time on things which they can choose not to do. But.. what am I doing now? Isn’t it the same? I lost my rights to argue back, too. Frankly speaking, I’m not one who can lead. I would just drop dead instantly. Recently, lots of escapism has been running through my mind. The chanting has been never-ending. By right, it has never stopped before. Oh man..

I was wrong.

I thought I could be happier. I thought I could change everything. Now that everything come tumbling down, I realised that I’m just a human being, only. I can’t do much. I can’t change things which I can’t in the first place. I ought to learn how to let go at the right time. I need to really let go. Goodbye is easy to say so, isn’t it?

Oh my lord. Here’s a tiny request from me.. please. Please just take away those bumps inside me. I hate those thoughts. All I want is a carefree life whereby I work and study. Nothing else. I want nobody. I want nothing. I want just – myself and my dearest family. I appreciate whatever is being done to and for me. But..

I’m not the same, anymore. I’m no longer that small girl in my parents’ eyes. I’m not that kid. I’m just a little somebody in my own street. I walk alone. I peddle to find my own way. I sniff and grope around. I live amidst my dreams and hopes in life. Have a faith and heart. Kindly do not crash my single every desires. I can’t bear all those sufferings. I can’t withstand them. I will surely die. Really.

How I miss those days. How I wish I was in the past. How I hope to change everything. How I depend on them. How I made use of him. How I cheated her. How I scratched out the friendships. How I tricked life. How I abused myself. How I know myself. How I erase off those memories. How I buried his stuffs. How I cried. How I hate myself. How I bleed deep down.

I can’t help it. I just can’t take things lying down. No. Never..

She closed her eyes and heaved a sign of relief. Let’s just forget everything and continue to sleep on. She’s a bitch. But.. so what?

They are worse.

I got so bored and went online, instead. Hmm.. had quite a handful of chatters with me, though. And, I asked a friend some dumb questions.

[A Foreigner]
Sometimes, I'm often mistaken for a foreigner's identity. But alas, I'm not. Cos.. i'm a pure Singaporean. I don't know if I'm a loyal citizen but I'm certainly a local. I'm not from any weird countries. Will the public please kindly spare me some false assumptions? Lol. I feel so funny.

[Age]
Do I look old? It's yes or no. And.. i agreed that I look matured. I wore spectacles and have that typical fuzzy hairstyle. I look so auntie. Aha! But, this doesn't turn me off anymore. I simply doesn't care. I'm really too tired to make over. I love myself right now. That's enough. (( :

[Height]
Hmm.. i neg to differ about this. People say I'm short. But the truth is that, I'm neither short nor tall. And, they are wrong! Woohoo! I will continue to skip daily. Yes.. i meant it, provided that i'm not too lazy to do so.

[Fat]
Seriously, I shall not mention this again. If not, I will be bashed by people again. They will be like, "Huh? It you fat, then I what sia? You better go and die!" Eh.. dots. I just feel that my body mass is much heavier than the average girls. I'm more muscular and bone-tonner than others. I'm training to be healthy, now. (( :

[School]
The results are out. And.. i've improved! A slight one, though. Heh heh. But, it's enough. I will strive better. Since I have had already given out my best, that's all. At least I have tried. Thanks to myself and my motivations towards myself, these days. Thanks! I will study for next semester. I will pull up my socks. (( :

[Work]
Hmm.. too many to say. I'm glad that I started out here. This place has brought me memories and miseries. Oneday, I will be more successful than the boss. i will mark my words. Let me jia you all the way!

[ERS]
Not really into the mood to elaborate. So busy. Lol.

[Ninjado]
I will be meeting the gand this friday. Woohoo! These 3 days will be fun. YES! (( :

[Family]
I just talked to ah ma just now. She asked when am I going back to Muar? She missed us lots. Honestly, I missed her, too. I wonder how ah gong is doing now. This morning, I got a shock of my life. Hui Ping smsed me saying, she cannot join us for the ECp beach clean-up cos her grandmother just passed away. She had to go to Malaysia for the funeral wake. Then.. i thought of something I shouldn't have. I felt scared. I'm worrying for ah gong every now and then. After all, it has been 14 years for him. That tough times.. oh man. Every family has its own sets of problems, I suppose. I hope no matter what, our family will stay as one towards the end of the world.

Just have some faith. Everybody needs it. All the best! (( :

Work is getting interesting everyday. (( :

Life is still moving at a slow pace, with stretched of stress and moody swings. Maybe I do sound bored. But, I have nothing much to say about my life, right now. I'm happy with the life I have now. I'm happy that I have that bunch of buddies with me. I'm happy that people look after me at work. I'm happy that there are plenty of seniors who dote on me. I'm happy that I'm happy.

I'm really happy.

School is starting real soon. But.. before that, I will have to rush through the autumn season first. After all, Chinese Garden is a beautiful place. Frankly speaking, yesterday was my second visit there. Wa.. i know I sound dumb, la. But, it's true! The music is boring. But, the sightings were great. I really enjoyed working there. Heh heh. The stall beside us was also helpful and friendly. Woohoo! Bao Today rocks! Luckilt, the toilet is just behind the stall. If not, I die. Cos I kept running to the toilet. (( :

Wisma is still like before. However so, I guess I will just try to do my role at work. Other than that, it's all none of my business. I'm afraid of all those conflicts that I'm being sucked into. It's overwhelming, at times. Spare me that. And.. i just realised that I have been working at Fortunate for nearly 2 years, serving as a part-timer. Woohoo! Time really flies. So scary lo! Honestly, I don’t like to work in a food and business industry. Being a cashier is still alright. Being a food promoter is also alright. i just dislike being.. a waitress. I hate to service customers cos I always do many things wrong. I’m quite blur and pathetic. I always drop this and that. Lots and lots of accidents occurred before. I will never forget each unforgettable encounter. I will remember how I was being scolded and humiliated at each point of time. Of course, I will not bear any grudges. I mean.. for what? I don’t even know the customers. I’m just saying that I have been taught many painful lessons for being a waitress.

I have phobias, already.

In this vacation, I have learnt the true meanings of responsibility and maturity. Sometimes, it’s a norm for people to stab you behind your back. It’s perfectly fine. Mankind is still mankind. Why be burden with some spurge of angriness? Time is limited and we must never afford to lose any. (( :

And.. i have mastered the art of putting on a plastic mask, naturally. It feels silly when you are talking to certain customers. They treat you either transparent or like a tool. So ‘funny’. Now, I even dreamt of working. Oh man. I must be insane! Whatever it is, I just know I will smile broadly even at the slightest cause. I’m too used to smiling now.

My mother told me something just now. I laughed and laughed. It was really funny and disgusting in a way. She has had stomachache yesterday during work. Hence, she went to the public toilet at the restaurant. Actually, she was not supposed to cos the toilet is only meant for the customers, only. But.. she heck la! And.. guess what? She heard a lady customer talking about how ‘full’ she was at that moment. She had just finished 10 baskets of chao siew baos! That will be a total 2 x 10 = 20 BAOS. Imagine that! Oh my Lord. That’s not enough lo. She also finished other baskets of siew mai, prawn dumplings, carrot cakes (both fried and steamed), scallop dumplings and as such. She’s really.. dots. Oh man! I can’t put myself in her shoes. For me, I can never finish so much food in one go. I must be ki siao to do so. Never! (( :

It’s amazing to know that somebody is looking you when you are totally not aware of it. It feels great to have somebody liking you. It’s good when you are loved and cared by all. It’s thanksgiving when everybody around you is blessed. It’s cool when you have the chance to write and express what you feel deep down. It’s magnificent when you see how the poverty, weak and old smile with those laughs. It’s wonderful to pacify a baby who has been crying for hours. It’s blissful to be in your parents’ arms. It’s enlightening to communicate freely with your brothers and friends.

It’s really my pleasure to know myself.

It’s a virtue to appreciate others. But first of all, kindly know yourself before you take any further step. If you don’t, you will never be free. Cos you can’t let go. When it’s time, please do. What’s the point of holding onto something which is never meant to be yours, in the first place? I have tasted that before. No thanks! (( :

I’m not so tired of people around me, anymore. Neither am I tired of the things I’m doing. The purposes are very important. Sometimes, you thought you wanted this. But in the end when you got that thing, you realised that that wasn’t what you really wanted. Sounds familiar, right?

My doubts are still there. But, a sprained past can be mended easily. If I think in another positive way, I believe miracles will happen. Everybody should think in a forward manner for their future. Ganbatte! (( :

Time never waits. Please let people know that. It's just that the coconut tree will grow old oneday and die. Then, it will never be alive again. But, it's children or grandchildren or great grandchildren will always still be around. Picture these into your vast mindsets. All luck. Heh heh. The gloomy storms will be over soon. Bear with them for a little but more. Think of all those memories you shared with all your beloved. Woohoo! (( :

I guess I have missed out much. This vacation is finishing in the blink of an eye. Many things changed within this short semester. Hmm.. i mean, this year. Suddenly, I felt scared. Indeed, time does not wait. If you have lost that rare opportunity, it will just be a plainly 'too bad'. It's unfair, though.

But.. life is like that.

Now, tell me. Who doesn't yearn for a perfect life? Who doesn't want to be loved and cared for every minute and second?

The answer is.. either a yes or no. Choose it, my friend.

Whatever it is, I decided not to give any damn, anymore. If not, I might not be able to sleep that soundly. I shall mind only my own business. It's alright to be selfish, sometimes. I agree so. I don't feel tired working everyday. Somehow, I'm numb all over. I have lost my every single little bit of grumbliness. I have reacted mildly. Or rather, times have changed. I'm different.

Events are still lining all the way till school reopens. I hope I will be able to cope. Time seems rushing in an evil way. Oh man.. i can't afford to be late in any sense. Please allow those paces to quicken up. Oh my lord.

It’s been ages since I played sports, too. My bones are really hard and ‘incorrigible’. It’s time to exercise out all my fats and unhealthy glands. If not, I will really fall ill soon. Trainings will commence from tonight, onwards. I will cut down on junk food. I will eat more vegetables and fruits. Drinking planty of water is also important for us. It’s time ti mark these reminders deep inside. I saw how a colleague was admitted to hospital cos of low blood pressure. And.. that injection was a fobia for me. Running or working in a Food And Business industry isn’t easy at all. I will think twice next time. My interest is still there. Hmm..

I think I must be mad. But frankly speaking, I enjoyed working. The more the crowds, the merrier. Cos I love to key in money. I like the smell of coins and notes. It makes me feel ‘fresh’. I’m kinda silly to say these. But.. for what, I do not know. I just like working. It’s better than staying at home and fretting over CCA stuffs or other nonsensical issues. I know I’m right. The people there are nice. The kitchen chefs and other full-timers are rather friendly and helpful. I mean.. people are not always like this all year round. But over all, I feel that at least the people working there still treat me like a human. Not like a thrash or dog. In the past, I do feel people there are mean and disgusting. Let time proves..

I didn’t attend class’ chalet. In fact, I have never been to one, anymore. I’m rather not close to this LM class, I should say. Honestly, every classmate treat me ‘not bad’. It was great to have them as friends too. It was unfair of me to criticize them in the past. I was quite unfeeling. Even so, I still prefer to be a loner. I understand how Nurul wanted me to join and mingle with the rest. She meant no harm, though. I still thank you her for that. She’s a real nice girl. I was wrong about her. Whatever, we are still as fine as before. I’m indeed fortunate. (( :

I’m gonna to go for the Ninjado chalet. Like before, it will be Pulau Ubin. That ‘eerie’ place.. hehs! I still remember how that Jin Quan and Derrick Wan tricked me and Clare into thinking that they were all lost. Oh well.. stupid jokers! Lame. I look forward to this. Have fun guys! Woohoo! (( :

Anyway.. i’m also used to people calling me auntie, now. I know I looked old and haggard. But, it’s ok. I will dress up next time. I will be a prettier human in 3 years’ time. Now, I still like my present looks. Hehs! I look normal and is perfectly alright. So.. no worries! Woohoo! (( :

Yesterday, I passed Clarence his birthday present. Initially, I feel awkward talking to him. Later, the atmosphere managed to soothe down and we ate and talked at the same time. So funny! He looked different, also. Perhaps more studious, I should say. A pair of spectacles does make a big difference. Bingo! I’m still left with people whose birthdays are coming, including my lao di and lao guo. (( :

I wrote to Alvin, too. It feels good to have a local pen-pal. Sounds silly, right? But.. it’s so cool can. Hehs! At least, we can still keep in contact. That’s wonderful. Lol. (( :

The East Coast Park beach clean-up is next Wednesday. Wa.. it’s really fast. I’m glad I have the numbers. If not, it’s like so embarrassing if I messed up this event. Oh man. Groan. ERS is so tiring. Oh gosh! Groan*

I’m meeting up all my friends, now. I really really miss everybody. Oh my lord. Haha! I miss my grandparents too! And.. those Muar friends. Oh man. Please bless everybody around. Till then, let me manage my time properly. Wish me luck! Wonder how attachment will be like? Blink*

Phew..

'Florence Lee Suey Khee'.

The first impression you gives me wasn't a good one. But.. i was right and wrong. Throughout those 2 years in the lower secondary stream, you have proven me, likewise and otherwise. And.. that's when I started to realise what kind of person you are. You are indifferent. You do not copy blindly. You want to do things in your own stride. You have style. You have personality. Of course, you have unique temper. The era you produced made people be aware of you. The rate of rejections are high. You chose to saty away from people.

However so, I saw your true inner self. I admit I was quite scared of you initially. You are the typical bad-girl. You also have the so-called bad influence and teachers have warned us to steer clear of you. But.. how could they do these? I mean.. you have weird behaviours, at times. But, you never mean any harm. You are kind by nature and know what you need and have to do.

That's what I like about you. That's why we are friends, aren't we?

All along, I have been learning from you. You are always levels higher than me. You have this sense of mystere nobody can neither touch nor understand. I don't know what I am to you. But.. to me, you're super! You have been the most finest friend I have ever had.

Florence Lee Suey Khee is a friend whom I always cherish.

Ever since the departure of O levels, we have been going in differerent directions. You - in the working line. Me - hovering between cca, school and work. We have various roles and jobs to play. We have got to finish what we have to do. Yet, I'm glad that at least we are still bothered and managed to find time to meet up and have real cool talk. I always miss you. Really. Sometimes, when I feel like crying you will be the first I thought of. I wanted very much to tell you my everything in life. I want to let you know about life, parents, brothers, friends, work, cca, school, studies. love, relationships and as such.

Yet.. sometimes we can also be so distant. I mean I know you are like this. Cos.. i've always been repeating myself and I do, get on your nerves at times. Often, I confessed to you about how I felt about the friendships and other parties. Honestly, I'm jealous of Hariz and gang. When they came in when we were in Secondary 3, I knew they were trying to steal you away from me. Next, came along Bo Chen and Zhen Lin that gang. They are yet, another rivals.

Haha.. i know i sound childish here. But, i'm both petty and jealous. After all, I knew you first. Why are they all flocking to you? Initially, that's what I thought, la. Up till today, I still tend to feel like that soemtimes. I know it's kind of absurd for me to say so. But.. i know you get it and understand what I really mean. One person can have various clicks. You have your own and I have mine. It's like I cannot ask you to like my Ninjado clicks. And.. you can't ask me to be very close to your own clicks.

Right?

Sometimes, I'm very blur. But eventually, I will get it. I need time to slowly generate all my thinkings. Unlike me, you are more stable. Your writings have always been great and special. I don't know if you have noticed it or not. But.. if you were to write a book of what, I will buy. Cos your writing style suits my taste. Seriously, no jokes here. Flora lady, buck up please! Have more faith. You can do it man! (( :

Being called an auntie is a norm. I have been called countless times by either customers or my friends. Groan* That's really an insult, excluding the joking times. Just yesterday, a lady in her early twenties called me auntie when she queued up to buy her food! Oh my lord. I hated her for that. She sucks. LOL. Who call I looked like a typical auntie with stupid looks? Anyway, I'm working in such a 'traditional' place like Food Republic. It's ok girl. No worries! I'm always with you. Flora lady and grumblymon are never apart. Yeah? (( :

Actually, I don't know how you really feel, right now? Cos.. i'm not you. And, I'm not in your shoes. But given me, I would rather go school to study than work. Having education with knowledge is better than hardships with money. In Singapore, it's important to have certificates and money. Since the past, it has always been like this. I know you want to study, too. But.. you need to save up first, right? No matter what happens, I will be there with you. Please share with me whenever you are down. My handphone is always here for you. Even now, I miss you greatly. I hope you are happy in life and at work.

Next, I guess this is rather personal. Till now, I still feel a little guilty. I know of your kind intentions to match me and Clarence up. If he wasn't your cousin, I will never feel so pie sae. I feel I have let you down. But.. i guess we are better being friends. I do not feel like him. He has better tastes and choices. I wished him all the best. This is just a relationship problem. Sometimes, I guess it's just not so convenient to talk about BGR stuffs. Yeah? You might also feel awkaward talking to me about your encounters, and as such. So.. just talk if you feel like. If not, keep to yourself. (( :

But you and me, we are still the best buddies ever. Yeah? With Mui sama and Jojo! (( :

I hope that everybody will know what they need to know, in future. Our dreams and ambitions.. that's our greatest desires. Cheers, my flora lady! Have more confidence. I will love you ever more! Great hugs. I'm working harder now. Muacks! (( :

In conclusion:

Florence Lee Suey Khee is still a friend whom I always cherish.

I told myself this. I reminded myself all along. I totally forgot that I have a soft heart. I tend to feel sorry for them. I can't help fending for others. I realised that I ain't possible to be somebody who is impossible.

Somehow, this is a joke.

I feel like laughing. I feel like yelling. I feel like kicking. I feel like vomiting. I feel like drinking blood. I feel like licking dirt. I feel like doing all sorts of things. And.. i feel that I'm just a weirdo. I'm eccentric like before. I'm a bomper.

Droughts depicts the poverty. But.. what about me? I feel like a lump of shit. I am moulded into a pile of treasures, being rewarded to my parents. LOL. And.. i felt that they deserved more, instead of this. Last night, I watched a Buddhism teachings VCD. I found that something is really wrong with humans.

Life can be simple if we think it's simple. Our thinkings play a crucial role in our daily lives. Many times, we decide our own fates and paths. We are individuals. And.. of course, we are unique. Woohoo! (( :

For the first time in my 18 years of life, I left the Senoko Incineration Plant Visit deeply inside my heart. It was smelly. But.. i learnt loads. In conclusion, the trip was a fruitful and unforgettable one. I will never step into any of such places, though. It's not my type. (( :

Suddenly, people around me are all getting happier and happier each day. My life is as usual; neither boring nor interesting. At least, I have a goal now. My visions for the future are also clearer. Thus, I'm luckier..

Mama has been sick for days. Yet, she is still slogging hard. I felt guilty and hope she will recover immediately. Papa has been stressed ever since he worked with Kiwi's papa. How I wonder these conflicts arise? I'm still keeping my fingers closed everyday. I want him to be happy and hope nobody will cheat him, again. Eddy just got back all of his common test results. He flunged to my expectations. He only produced a pass in English. And.. i'm like, 'what'? He even failed Chinese. Hmm.. how can I save him? I just pray that he will stop thinking of mapling each day. I want him to do well in studies and hope this isn't too much to ask for. Guo has been working and rushing to chalets here and there. At home, he will be facing the laptop, like usual. I seriously hope he has goals and can think maturedly. Twenties for a polytechnic student is really not recommended. Furthermore, he has yet gone through NS. And.. me, myself has started working. Slowly, I'm not so active and concerned about ERS. I just wanna earn more money when I can. I wanna save up.. Woohoo!

Many things await me when this upcoming semester commences. Results will be out on friday. Oh man. Groan*

Schedule will be heavily packed. I need to chill and chill and chill. If not, I will die and die and die. And.. i must be happy and happy and happy. I have thought of the things I need to do and buy. I must differentiate between reality and material world. Times have changed. (( :

Let's just hope for the better!

It has been ages since I last stepped into that place.

However so, I have invaded into that sacred territory for more than 5 hours. And.. I was earning bucks for myself. Isn’t that great?

I used to swear and curse. I really dreaded going to work for those same causes. I didn’t even want to see him of her. Yet, I find people licking all the way up. Somehow, being an apple-polisher is a norm. But, why?

Honestly, I don’t give a damn. This is ridiculous. I’m neither a slave nor dog. I find no reason to degrade myself to such an extent. Look.. I’m not being angry, right now. I’m just so disgusted by the true colours of mankind. It’s as disappointing as ever. I felt satisfied as soon as I have had done all the things I ought to do. The rest are really redundant.

Those humiliations all along I have faced encouraged me even more. I have learnt to stand up after falling down. I can’t just keep relying on people. I have hands and legs. I even have a brain, to my surprise. So.. why should I worry? Actually, it’s really crucial for one to take things at its stride. If not, sufferings will haunt the era forever. Having ups and downs make someone grow up. Life is never perfect. So, people should wake up at this instant.

That’s for work and school.

Now, I have thought some other matters. The camp was overall a failure, to me. But.. like I say, I’m not worried or troubled at all. Cos I have learnt many things. And if I were to be given yet another chance, I’m sure I will do a better job than before. At least the reality has sharpened me and propelled me to face the harsh, solid truths in life. All along, I have been dreaming. I’m a slacker. (( :

Unlike the past, now I know who I can look up upon to. I know who the ones who really care for me are. I know who the ones who can make me smile whole-heartedly are. And.. I know who the ones who can make me drop tears are. In conclusion, I cried 2 hard periods for this particular event. Right now, the peace prevails. Everything is alright, again.

I have thought of the amount of money I have wasted. The more I concentrated on my cca, the more I lose out. Reality is just so real. Money isn’t really that important. Yet, the value is also vulnerable. In life, no money means no life. Nothing at all. Also, I have not been training for months. My personal training spree has halted ages ago. I’m so ashamed.. blush*

Time will prove. I will be as healthy as before. I can be as cheerful as before. All I need is yet another glimpse of hope from my family and friends. I’m eternally grateful that at least I’m much more fortunate than others. It’s alright to live in a car. It’s alright to not have a car. It’s alright to have 5 people sleeping in a room. It’s alright to baby-sit for household expenses. It’s alright to work 7 days a week. It’s alright to be bullied by others. It’s alright to treat others. It’s alright to get lost. It’s alright to cry. It’s alright to shout. It’s aright to be fat. It’s alright to be simple. It’s alright to be you.

Sometimes, people around me speak in unpleasant tones. However, if not for them, I will never be optimistic. I’m glad to have those people around. Today, I still have many different clicks of friends. Yet, I’m elated to learn that I have value and am a somebody, someone will cherish a lot.

I feel damn lucky. (( :

I begin to like those people more and more. I hope everybody will be happy. I hope the storms will soon be over for the heartbroken. I hope that everyone will be able to find that key to open the door inside their souls.

One day, they will. Trust me..

A friend forwarded this to me. And.. i think it's really worth reading.

Happiness is not so much in having as in sharing. We make a living by what we get but we make a life out of what we give.

"A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard..

His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle, fascinated by its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages.

When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital. He died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how she was going to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.

And.. the question is: What were the five words? What is the implication of this story?

Answer..

The husband just said "I am with you, Darling".

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened. No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child.

What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.."

So.. if everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

Moral of this story: Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way, we miss out some warmth in a human relationship.

That isn't worth at all..

Often, I would hear my papa ranting at my mama. He gives me this impression that he blames my mama for everything. But.. i know that's his kind intentions, after all. He never meant any harm. Never. It's just a manner he expresses out his thought. He is always caring and loving everyone of us in the family. But, he doesn't like to show them out. It's alright. Yeah?

I know him. And.. he's the greatest father ever!

My fresh ideas seem to run out. And suddenly, I thought of him. And I said, "Why not I write a story about him?"

And here I go..

It has been ages since I last saw him. Alvin had been one of the most serious guy I ever met. He was a fun-loving chap. He can make me laugh and smile. And.. he used to be my everything. If I'm not wrong, Alvin is a Singaporean. His father is from Hong Kong and his mother is from an ang-mo country. That explains his surname. Currently, he's pursuing his Media & Communication diploma in Singapore Polytechnic.

Alvin is a skater-boy. He's also great in ice-skating. That's his most superb skill I guess. And.. he had a band, called 'Orange Socks'. He should be the guitarist.

In the past, Alvin was really nice to me. Seriously, I can’t really remember how we met. I just know that the 2 of us have had been classmates for an entire 2 years. Throughout these days, we argued most of the time. Alvin was sitting directly in front of me.

I guess I was indeed too childish, then. We often ‘fought’ in a sense. But.. i should be the one who is always hitting him all the time. Poor ‘Alvin’. Often, Alvin would turn his back around and tease me. If not, he will talk or ask me Mathematics and Chinese questions. We are 2 noisy kids. We had dirty talks. We talked everything under the sun. we were just 2 innocent children who had are as carefree as birds. However so, I’m the temperate one. I would often cry or get angry in class with him. He will forever be the one to comfort me when I did not do well for my papers, when he himself did not do very well, either .

He drew on my book. He pinched my cheeks. He joked with me. He sang to me. He ate with me. He was the best companion ever I should say. There were still many other things but I can’t remember. All I can say is those 2 years were sweet memories I will keep forever.

Alvin Cheang Kum Ho is a friend I will never forget.

All these change overnight when he told me he liked me. It was at the end of Secondary 2. Initially, I was shocked. I mean.. why? He had better choices and other girls like him too. So, I rejected him. 2 reasons.. first, I just broke off with Ho Ken, his best friend then. Second, I don’t want to play with his heart.

Even so, he was still as nice as ever to me. I was a princess, then. Until Secondary 3, I decided to accept and start all things over. I did try and we had blissful months ahead. Then, he was sweet, gentle-man and caring. I like him for his everything. I never thought a guy could treat me so good. He still drew and wrote poems for me. That’s really more than enough. Furthermore, I can sense he liked me more than I liked him.

Thus, the better he treated me, the guiltier I got. I didn’t know if I really loved him. Somehow, it was a joke that heaven has played on me. Actually, I couldn’t really accept him as I wasn’t even ready. I couldn’t forget Hao. Yet, I still got together with Alvin. It's very unfair to him. Indeed, I was very selfish.

For what, I do not know. I have no idea why am I like this. I have let Alvin and Hao down. I seemed to be a traitor. A big one..

In the end, I still broke off with Alvin. I knew he was very sad. But, so was I. But, I guess he never knows. He will never know cos I have never told him my true feelings before. 2 of his best friends even shouted me nasty names after learning our break-up. I think he misunderstood me. Still, what more can I do?

Nothing..

Even though we had broken off, Alvin was still as nice as ever to me. It’s as if the 2 of us were still together even we were not. I’m just stating my opinions in my own stand. Perhaps what he felt back then is different? We will never know.

I was such a swuay-ku. My first Sakae Sushi trip was with him and I got addicted ever since. Also, he taught me Physics and I managed a C6 eventually. Woohoo! But, that’s in the past I guess.

Somehow, I still feel that Alvin likes me and he still likes me more than I like him, then. Yet, I still kept away cos I didn’t not want to hurt him with my fickle-minded mind. I need to get over my own haunted past first. I had to. Occasionally, he will sms me ‘weird’ things. I got the hints but pretended that I didn’t. I was in chaos. Or maybe I really did think too much.

Today, I wonder if he will remember what he told me back then. He said he would wait for me.

Honestly, I mark his words deeply in my mind. I told myself to faster get done over with my grief. I can’t keep Alvin waiting, then. After O’ levels, I didn’t contact him. I was busy working and earning big bucks. And.. it was then that I lost him, completely. I didn't even know. Eventually, he got together with a skater-girl. She was from Crescent Girls’ School.

I didn’t know all along until I saw him in Millennia Institute during my first 3 months. She was in National Junior College, then. Instantly, I was filled with disappointed when I learnt it. I mean.. why was I the last to know? Why was he with a skater-girl? Eventually, Alvin even became a Christian and had opened a blog. It was very surprising that he became a Christian. He never used to trust God at all, back then. Yet, now he became a Christian and I think part of the main reason is because of her – that skater-girl.

I felt betrayed. Everyday, I would pray in silence that the 2 of them will break off faster. They will never last cos I personally feel that Girls’ School girls are those typical flirty types. I know this is a dumb stereotype I have. I just hated her. Secretly. I also went to look at her blog through Alvin’s blog links. I wanted to see how long they can last. I know I’m very evil yet I can’t help it. I’m very jealous when Alvin called her those cute pet names and waited outside her school gate for her, especially.

Deep inside, I’m very sad. I thought he said that he would wait for me and when I was ready, he was already gone. He had chosen to let go off me and find somebody else. Alvin did that.

Alvin was gone, right in front of my eyes.

I took initiatives to ask him out too. But, he’s always not free then. Oneday, he saw me together with Wei Wen, another guy I just knew from the Institute. The 3 of us banged into each other. And.. you know what Alvin said?

“Wa.. new boyfriend, again ar?”

It makes me sad and angry. Then, I got closer to Wei Wen and just walked off without even saying bye to Alvin. I ignored him. His eyes were indifferent. He didn’t even care if I was with another guy or what. I was out of the game. He’s really totally in love with her, that Crescent girl.

The next day, I saw Alvin with his group of friends. He literally asked me about Wei Wen as my boyfriend. I was also indifferent. And he said this.

“Aiya.. you’re like that de ma. You always get crazy when you see boys. It’s normal.”

I was like so mad. What does he treat me as? I merely just want him to get jealous yet he thought I like to flirt with other guys. Alvin Cheang is so gay can!

Then after that, I didn’t see him anymore. It was shortly after the actual release of O’ level results when I see him again. I thought of the days when we had O’ levels papers in the school hall. He would walk up to me and shake my hands and murmured ‘good luck’ to me.

That’s the past, I told and slapped myself hard.

After collecting the results, I broke down and cried. I can’t get into a junior college. Then, I walked alone to a corner and cried silently. Alvin walked to me and asked how I fared. I didn’t answer. Then, his hand phone rang. He walked off to answer it. it must be her calling him. After that, I took a bus home with Alvin and his friends. They were going to Beauty World to play Counterstrike.

Along the way, Alvin did comfort me again saying this and that like an old grandfather like that. Later, I asked him for his girlfriend picture and he showed me his wallet. He kept saying that she’s cute and pretty with nice eyes.

On well..

That’s all I guess.

Then, we 2 embarked on a totally different new journey. I was into Logistics Management in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. He was away, finally. After 4 long enduring years, finally we got separated. Then we always arranged to meet up but aeroplanes were being flown between us. We 2 never got to meet and eat our Sakae Sushi.

Today, Alvin is still into skate boarding. For me, I’m into martial arts and the environment.

Basically, I have nothing more to say. All I can say is..

Alvin Cheang Kum Ho is still a friend I will never forget.

Whatever happens in the future, it’s all up to heaven’s fate. I do not have nothing more to expect. I only wish that Alvin will never forget my birthday and wish me every year, forever. It’s ok that we don’t’meet. But, I really hope that he will remember me.

That’s all.

Alvin Cheang.. if you happen to read this, then good. If not, too bad I guess. Goodbye!

It was tough being her. She had to manage all these while. She need to pull herself together, in order to motivate others. She had to be a leader, somehow. She had.. no choice. Sometimes, she thought she was wrong. Yet, she was right.

She had to make her judgement, just like that.

Was she nothing?

No..

Was she everything?

Also no..

So.. what was she? Or rather, what is she? Actually, she also have no idea at all. She don't even know why is she doing here, right now? She felt scared but had nowhere to scram. She needed a break but.. was there any?

The tears tortoured her menacingly. They didn't spared her. Not even a second. She have had to lick her way back; all along the harsh journeys. And.. she was alone. Then, it set her thinking, once again.

It's time for her to pull herself together. She wanted to win back all things. She yearned to accomplished the tasks at the very first moments. She had to be a winner, no matter what and how. Isn't she weird? She's indeed a very frightening person ever.

Chances are never meant to be miss and not taken. Sometimes, one should just treasure what he or she has. It's never a great decision to choose what you don't want. You have to do something that you like. You will not be out there. You will be sacrificed to modify the outside's society.

Enviness overcame her overnight. She had to slogged her way through. She had to make things go worth-well. She must enjoy the walk and stay she had. She will be as pleased as possible. This era is blooming with dispenses. One will be careful. The other will be..

She looked up to herself and talked more. Occasionally, it's always better to be mad. She needed to make it to the point that which and whatever may not be influenced by the outcome of tomorrow's sins. So..

You must be aware.

Really you do..