Recently, I befriended a guy who accidentally sends me emails. He was a christian. And.. he told me lots and lots about life and reality. Unlike others, God's preachings did not come and go in a forceful way. Somehow, I feel more exposed.
He wrote this:
"Can our freedom to choose our attitude be taken away?
It is an amazing and fascinating book by a man, Viktor E Frankl, who lost his parents, brother and wife through the brutal cruelties of the Nazi torturers and exterminators and who was deprived of everything except an almost meaningless existence. As a long-time prisoner in the various concentration camps, he found himself stripped to bare existence. Every possession was lost, every value destroyed. Experiencing hunger, pain and brutality and every hour expecting extermination, Viktor Frankl found life still worth preserving. What he says is worth listening to as it focuses on the deepest of human problems.
The book was first published in 1946.The passages below are taken from the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E Frankl."
He mentioned about human liberty, humanity, mental reactions of the inmate beings and as such.
The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish.
Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.
When the impossibility of replacing a person is realised, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life.
He knows the why for his existence, and will be able to bear almost anyhow..
Words speak for themselves, in this case. There's still tons that I ought to learn from. I'm glad I have at least more than 1 friend with me to continue walking. I know what I must do, really. And.. it's time for me to pack my things, again.
Woohoohoo!
He wrote this:
"Can our freedom to choose our attitude be taken away?
It is an amazing and fascinating book by a man, Viktor E Frankl, who lost his parents, brother and wife through the brutal cruelties of the Nazi torturers and exterminators and who was deprived of everything except an almost meaningless existence. As a long-time prisoner in the various concentration camps, he found himself stripped to bare existence. Every possession was lost, every value destroyed. Experiencing hunger, pain and brutality and every hour expecting extermination, Viktor Frankl found life still worth preserving. What he says is worth listening to as it focuses on the deepest of human problems.
The book was first published in 1946.The passages below are taken from the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E Frankl."
He mentioned about human liberty, humanity, mental reactions of the inmate beings and as such.
The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish.
Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.
When the impossibility of replacing a person is realised, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life.
He knows the why for his existence, and will be able to bear almost anyhow..
Words speak for themselves, in this case. There's still tons that I ought to learn from. I'm glad I have at least more than 1 friend with me to continue walking. I know what I must do, really. And.. it's time for me to pack my things, again.
Woohoohoo!
Today was a happy day. I don’t feel stressed and panic like usual.
Know why? Cos the grueling hours are over. My examinations ended yesterday, in a toll. Finally, I can heave a sign of relief. Honestly, I got a bad feeling that I will not do well. And.. my sixth senses are always right.
But, what else can I do?
Failures are parts and parcels of life. It’s ok, really. What matters more is that I have already tried my best. This is the key question. “Did you put your heart into the things you do?”
This morning, I went to steal a glance at MacRitchie reservoir tree top trail with Derrick. Indeed, I enjoyed myself very much. I would say that I have had an enriching journey. The greenery sprouts me throughout. I like this environment and its everything. Walking was a hassle, though. And.. of course, those ‘creepy’ insects and creatures I have encountered with. Derrick made me learnt a lot.
In conclusion, Derrick Wan and Joyce Lim talked and walked today. One is down with flu and another is dying of exhaustion.
But anyway.. thanks, still.
As I guessed so.. My schedules for the next few weeks will be rather hectic. I hope I will be able to work. If not, I will really feel so guilty. I can’t possibly be spending money when I’m not working. I don’t want to take money from my mama. She has had a tough time, already. I can’t add on to her burdens. Just now, an ex-NP guy called me. He called me down for an interview for a job offer. Wa.. it’s like so nice. Do I have a shinning chance? If I do, am I going alone? I don’t feel like going with any of the girls in T2L1. For what, I do not know. I think I’m trying to outcast myself again.
Haha.
Maybe?
Derrick and Hariz are right. It’s time for me to get a complete make-over session now. They say I look so ‘auntie’ lo. Lol. Oh.. do I? My spectacles, typical hairstyle and poor sense of dressings all contribute to today’s me. I’m so traditional and old-fashioned. Oh man. Groan*
Whatever it is, I’m happy for now. I do not forsee the future. What it takes is my courage to withstand throughout these stormy days. I need to be independent and curb my inflexibity and ficke-minded lifestyle. I just can’t keep getting tired of people around me. I must wake up and make people trust me again. Out of sudden, I have thought of all happy memories I had with people I ever know. Smiles*
Know why? Cos the grueling hours are over. My examinations ended yesterday, in a toll. Finally, I can heave a sign of relief. Honestly, I got a bad feeling that I will not do well. And.. my sixth senses are always right.
But, what else can I do?
Failures are parts and parcels of life. It’s ok, really. What matters more is that I have already tried my best. This is the key question. “Did you put your heart into the things you do?”
This morning, I went to steal a glance at MacRitchie reservoir tree top trail with Derrick. Indeed, I enjoyed myself very much. I would say that I have had an enriching journey. The greenery sprouts me throughout. I like this environment and its everything. Walking was a hassle, though. And.. of course, those ‘creepy’ insects and creatures I have encountered with. Derrick made me learnt a lot.
In conclusion, Derrick Wan and Joyce Lim talked and walked today. One is down with flu and another is dying of exhaustion.
But anyway.. thanks, still.
As I guessed so.. My schedules for the next few weeks will be rather hectic. I hope I will be able to work. If not, I will really feel so guilty. I can’t possibly be spending money when I’m not working. I don’t want to take money from my mama. She has had a tough time, already. I can’t add on to her burdens. Just now, an ex-NP guy called me. He called me down for an interview for a job offer. Wa.. it’s like so nice. Do I have a shinning chance? If I do, am I going alone? I don’t feel like going with any of the girls in T2L1. For what, I do not know. I think I’m trying to outcast myself again.
Haha.
Maybe?
Derrick and Hariz are right. It’s time for me to get a complete make-over session now. They say I look so ‘auntie’ lo. Lol. Oh.. do I? My spectacles, typical hairstyle and poor sense of dressings all contribute to today’s me. I’m so traditional and old-fashioned. Oh man. Groan*
Whatever it is, I’m happy for now. I do not forsee the future. What it takes is my courage to withstand throughout these stormy days. I need to be independent and curb my inflexibity and ficke-minded lifestyle. I just can’t keep getting tired of people around me. I must wake up and make people trust me again. Out of sudden, I have thought of all happy memories I had with people I ever know. Smiles*
Sometimes..
It's always better to not think too much. If not, you will only find more doubts running inside your head. That kinda hurts, doesn't it? Your mind can burst. So, just watch it.
Happy is better than sad. At least, you get that satisfaction feeling. Getting moody 24/7 isn't really going to help much, either. You will feel old and grow fat. That's worse. Nah.. I don't wanna that.
In the long run, one must really cultivate that sense of motivation. Determination proves everything. If you are letting yourself go, then.. So be it. Nobody is going to help you, too. I just read this article from an old magazine, just now. After all, I have been wasting my life all these while. I have spent almost 5 years waiting for a somebody whom I knew will never come back to me, again. I'm just yet, another fool.
I don't deny it.
Actually I know I ought to move on long ago. It's time for me to leash out and embark on a brand new journey. No matter what resolutions or promises I have, I will never make it. Cos.. I have not be able to put down and the past. Never did I. I thought I did.. Yet, I didn't. I knew what problems lie ahead of me. I pretended I don't. I just want to act normal and behave as if nothing has ever happened before, in this life.
I'm not sure about others. But for me, I personally feel that I have went through heaps. People do not experience what I do. The past has always been torturing incidents. I grew up in a place where abnormal people are. I have no friends, let alone void deck childhood buddies. Since young, I need to travel back and fro just to spend only less than 3 days with my cousins and relatives. Singapore is still a foreign land for me. Even back in Malaysia, I'm still in a lost soul.
I'm sure what I'm trying to talk now. One thing for sure, at least I have the right to be stay happy and I will be.
Somehow..
I find it unfair. Why do I get to see so many 'bad' things in life? I know it's good to been through a lot. But, why me? It's really so unreasonable. However so, after thinking a while, I feel it's like hitting two birds with a stone. I grow up and is able to see things at more complex and unique angles in life. Also, if I don't through these, nobody will. I rather sacrifice myself and make everybody at ease. After all, my life can save the universe. I will do it.
Perhaps.. I sound so crap now. I admit it. But.. My face doesn't tell many things. Ya, so what's the point of saying anymore, outsiders? LOL.
Now as I recalled back.. I saw how I fell from the top to the bottom. But, I'm still striving hard now. I never give up hopes. Cos if I did, there will be nothing left for me to cringe onto. A rotten apple is still an apple. I will eat it in case it's being thrown away and wasted. There are still edible parts in the apple. Trust me..
I can forgo everything. Even though I still remembered, I will not bear any grudges. Cos I'm in no position to do so. Maybe people have their reasons to do. It's better to forgive and forget as usual. I don't mind, seriously.
I have already let go. Have you?
Good luck.
My exainations will finish in 4 days time. I need to hurry..
Goodbye.
It's always better to not think too much. If not, you will only find more doubts running inside your head. That kinda hurts, doesn't it? Your mind can burst. So, just watch it.
Happy is better than sad. At least, you get that satisfaction feeling. Getting moody 24/7 isn't really going to help much, either. You will feel old and grow fat. That's worse. Nah.. I don't wanna that.
In the long run, one must really cultivate that sense of motivation. Determination proves everything. If you are letting yourself go, then.. So be it. Nobody is going to help you, too. I just read this article from an old magazine, just now. After all, I have been wasting my life all these while. I have spent almost 5 years waiting for a somebody whom I knew will never come back to me, again. I'm just yet, another fool.
I don't deny it.
Actually I know I ought to move on long ago. It's time for me to leash out and embark on a brand new journey. No matter what resolutions or promises I have, I will never make it. Cos.. I have not be able to put down and the past. Never did I. I thought I did.. Yet, I didn't. I knew what problems lie ahead of me. I pretended I don't. I just want to act normal and behave as if nothing has ever happened before, in this life.
I'm not sure about others. But for me, I personally feel that I have went through heaps. People do not experience what I do. The past has always been torturing incidents. I grew up in a place where abnormal people are. I have no friends, let alone void deck childhood buddies. Since young, I need to travel back and fro just to spend only less than 3 days with my cousins and relatives. Singapore is still a foreign land for me. Even back in Malaysia, I'm still in a lost soul.
I'm sure what I'm trying to talk now. One thing for sure, at least I have the right to be stay happy and I will be.
Somehow..
I find it unfair. Why do I get to see so many 'bad' things in life? I know it's good to been through a lot. But, why me? It's really so unreasonable. However so, after thinking a while, I feel it's like hitting two birds with a stone. I grow up and is able to see things at more complex and unique angles in life. Also, if I don't through these, nobody will. I rather sacrifice myself and make everybody at ease. After all, my life can save the universe. I will do it.
Perhaps.. I sound so crap now. I admit it. But.. My face doesn't tell many things. Ya, so what's the point of saying anymore, outsiders? LOL.
Now as I recalled back.. I saw how I fell from the top to the bottom. But, I'm still striving hard now. I never give up hopes. Cos if I did, there will be nothing left for me to cringe onto. A rotten apple is still an apple. I will eat it in case it's being thrown away and wasted. There are still edible parts in the apple. Trust me..
I can forgo everything. Even though I still remembered, I will not bear any grudges. Cos I'm in no position to do so. Maybe people have their reasons to do. It's better to forgive and forget as usual. I don't mind, seriously.
I have already let go. Have you?
Good luck.
My exainations will finish in 4 days time. I need to hurry..
Goodbye.
Before you could realised it,
I was already gone.
Far, far away.
Never will you find me.
I tried to escape.
And I did stop.
I wonder why.
My heart pains me lots.
You never ask why.
You never look at me.
To me I'm just darn pathetic.
Forever.
Often, I told myself.
I should give up.
I cannot strive on.
Yet, I did.
Tears roamed my world.
Weariness overwhelmed me.
But, where are you?
You were happy with somebody else.
Why must I care?
Why do I feel sad?
Guess it's time for me to go on.
I had enough.
You are gone.
And, I'm still here.
I never left all this while.
Waiting, silently.
Today, I have to say.
I'm getting out.
This game ain't what I play.
This life isn't what I want.
I chose to be with
Happiness.
I will be blissful with a somebody
Who likes me more.
I love the care and concern.
I adore the feelings.
For you, it's just over.
Never brood over a dark cloud.
Be gone.
Just be.
I said this,
I will be happy, I promise.
I was already gone.
Far, far away.
Never will you find me.
I tried to escape.
And I did stop.
I wonder why.
My heart pains me lots.
You never ask why.
You never look at me.
To me I'm just darn pathetic.
Forever.
Often, I told myself.
I should give up.
I cannot strive on.
Yet, I did.
Tears roamed my world.
Weariness overwhelmed me.
But, where are you?
You were happy with somebody else.
Why must I care?
Why do I feel sad?
Guess it's time for me to go on.
I had enough.
You are gone.
And, I'm still here.
I never left all this while.
Waiting, silently.
Today, I have to say.
I'm getting out.
This game ain't what I play.
This life isn't what I want.
I chose to be with
Happiness.
I will be blissful with a somebody
Who likes me more.
I love the care and concern.
I adore the feelings.
For you, it's just over.
Never brood over a dark cloud.
Be gone.
Just be.
I said this,
I will be happy, I promise.
Suddenly, I have regained all my confidence overnight. I seem to get and know what I need and have to do. All the things are very visible now. Most importantly..
"I want to thank my parents so, so, so much."
If not for them, there will not be a 'me' today. They mould me and teach me experiences in life. Indeed, I'm extremely grateful to my papa and mama.
Everyday, they will nag at me without fail. I cannot go home after 10pm. If not, they will be real angry. It's like.. There are many things I cannot do. 'Cos my parents don't allow and as such. I understand that often, my friends around will ask why am I so scared and paranoid about my parents' feelings?
Nah..
To me, it is my duty to call back home every now and then. I have to ensure that at least my parents know where I am, especially my mama. Since young, I have not been in good health. I do blame them for coping me all days at home in the past. Now, I get it. So.. It doesn't really matter if I don't go out or what. I'm quite weak and can be easily bullied by others. My parents are simply just protecting me in their own ways. I know what I'm doing. And.. I saw their pains in raising me and my brothers. I must not grumble anymore.
This 'Green Fusion Camp 2006' has brought me lots of troubles. My ears have also memorised many tales of words from my parents. I appreciate all their efforts. I mean.. I don't like them to nag at me whole day. But, at least they bother to take me out into the reality. They make me realised that not every meal is free in this world. One's potential has yet to be unleashed.
I know it.
I just do.
Thank you so much, once again.
"I want to thank my parents so, so, so much."
If not for them, there will not be a 'me' today. They mould me and teach me experiences in life. Indeed, I'm extremely grateful to my papa and mama.
Everyday, they will nag at me without fail. I cannot go home after 10pm. If not, they will be real angry. It's like.. There are many things I cannot do. 'Cos my parents don't allow and as such. I understand that often, my friends around will ask why am I so scared and paranoid about my parents' feelings?
Nah..
To me, it is my duty to call back home every now and then. I have to ensure that at least my parents know where I am, especially my mama. Since young, I have not been in good health. I do blame them for coping me all days at home in the past. Now, I get it. So.. It doesn't really matter if I don't go out or what. I'm quite weak and can be easily bullied by others. My parents are simply just protecting me in their own ways. I know what I'm doing. And.. I saw their pains in raising me and my brothers. I must not grumble anymore.
This 'Green Fusion Camp 2006' has brought me lots of troubles. My ears have also memorised many tales of words from my parents. I appreciate all their efforts. I mean.. I don't like them to nag at me whole day. But, at least they bother to take me out into the reality. They make me realised that not every meal is free in this world. One's potential has yet to be unleashed.
I know it.
I just do.
Thank you so much, once again.
Since young, I have always been an extremely 'panicky' girl. There was never once I can manage to calm myself down. I'm just - forever 'kan chiong' like a spider. I know I should stop. Yet.. I just could not help it.
The truth is, I get scared easily.
I can't accomplish big things in life. ‘Cos I lacked that x-factor which is.. My self-confidence.
I keep feeling that people must be laughing and joking behind my back. I can’t stand up for my own rights. I can’t speak on my own. I need to have somebody to ‘pei’ me all day long. I’m just as useless as before.
Maybe.. I was never useful.
Or at least, I guess so.
I simply hope that miracles will happen, somehow. I want my leading troops to win the battle. I want to have the ultimate victory and success. I yearn to be yet am I?
I keep saying ‘after exams’ all the time. Honestly, that’s just one of my convenience excuses. I didn’t have the courage to face myself. I can’t afford the failures in life. I must be perfect all the time.
I was wrong.
I knew I was. Yet.. I told myself I wasn’t. I keep escaping. I try to avoid the facts of life and reality as much as possible. I was a great liar. I had the aspects to be one. I mean.. I’m one, ain’t I?
Studying is hard. But, it’s never easy to jungle between more than one matters in life, at the same time. I’m stressed out. I’m completely drained, I should say. I feel like crying. I feel like killing myself. I just banged my head and it was pain. Sometimes, I like to torture myself, physically. The pain rushes me back to this era. I love to taste all kinds of pain in life. I like to abuse myself, verbally and physically. It makes me feel more like a human being.
I know I can handle. But, I just need more time. Who is going to give me that? Who? Tell me who?
One word – ‘myself’.
The truth is, I get scared easily.
I can't accomplish big things in life. ‘Cos I lacked that x-factor which is.. My self-confidence.
I keep feeling that people must be laughing and joking behind my back. I can’t stand up for my own rights. I can’t speak on my own. I need to have somebody to ‘pei’ me all day long. I’m just as useless as before.
Maybe.. I was never useful.
Or at least, I guess so.
I simply hope that miracles will happen, somehow. I want my leading troops to win the battle. I want to have the ultimate victory and success. I yearn to be yet am I?
I keep saying ‘after exams’ all the time. Honestly, that’s just one of my convenience excuses. I didn’t have the courage to face myself. I can’t afford the failures in life. I must be perfect all the time.
I was wrong.
I knew I was. Yet.. I told myself I wasn’t. I keep escaping. I try to avoid the facts of life and reality as much as possible. I was a great liar. I had the aspects to be one. I mean.. I’m one, ain’t I?
Studying is hard. But, it’s never easy to jungle between more than one matters in life, at the same time. I’m stressed out. I’m completely drained, I should say. I feel like crying. I feel like killing myself. I just banged my head and it was pain. Sometimes, I like to torture myself, physically. The pain rushes me back to this era. I love to taste all kinds of pain in life. I like to abuse myself, verbally and physically. It makes me feel more like a human being.
I know I can handle. But, I just need more time. Who is going to give me that? Who? Tell me who?
One word – ‘myself’.
Yesterday..
I was happy. I enjoyed myself very much at the BBQ. Also, the 'fireworks'. It's been ages ever since I went out with Hariz and gang, too. Thanks guys for everything. I didn't know taht Singapore can be so beautiful and 'crowdy' at the same time. It was really the first time I ever walked so fast and saw 'so many' people. That was so.. Whao. -.-lll
Regarding the 'from-head-to-toe' makeover and 'self-esteem' workshops highlighted by Hariz, I will consider it, though.
LOL.
Today..
It has been a terrible day for me. How should I say? I'm like actually.. Studying? Honestly, I can really enjoyed studying. If not for other commitments.. If only I'm saying. My sixth sense tells me that something 'bad' is bound to happen. I must be aware. Seriously.
Is my asthma coming back?
Or am I too stressed?
I have not been feeling too well for teh whole today. My heart keeps subcribing me with pains. The centre is not really functioning well. Somewhat, I have difficulties in breathing. I can't breathe in too deeply. 'Cos my heart is in pain.
I'm scared.
Why am I feeling like that?
I think I'm too stressed with ERS club and it's deteriorating my pink health. Already, I have been losing out in my usual stamina. Now.. It's worse. I hope I will be better. If not, I will really break down.
I need a rest.
PLEASE..
I was happy. I enjoyed myself very much at the BBQ. Also, the 'fireworks'. It's been ages ever since I went out with Hariz and gang, too. Thanks guys for everything. I didn't know taht Singapore can be so beautiful and 'crowdy' at the same time. It was really the first time I ever walked so fast and saw 'so many' people. That was so.. Whao. -.-lll
Regarding the 'from-head-to-toe' makeover and 'self-esteem' workshops highlighted by Hariz, I will consider it, though.
LOL.
Today..
It has been a terrible day for me. How should I say? I'm like actually.. Studying? Honestly, I can really enjoyed studying. If not for other commitments.. If only I'm saying. My sixth sense tells me that something 'bad' is bound to happen. I must be aware. Seriously.
Is my asthma coming back?
Or am I too stressed?
I have not been feeling too well for teh whole today. My heart keeps subcribing me with pains. The centre is not really functioning well. Somewhat, I have difficulties in breathing. I can't breathe in too deeply. 'Cos my heart is in pain.
I'm scared.
Why am I feeling like that?
I think I'm too stressed with ERS club and it's deteriorating my pink health. Already, I have been losing out in my usual stamina. Now.. It's worse. I hope I will be better. If not, I will really break down.
I need a rest.
PLEASE..
Somewhat, today is a beautiful day.
I feel lighter, also.
I have settle down quite well.
Thank God.
Thank Mama and Papa, Alvin and Edison.
Last but not least..
I realised if you calm and steay, nothing will hit you down. Oh, I get it now. Ahem..
I feel lighter, also.
I have settle down quite well.
Thank God.
Thank Mama and Papa, Alvin and Edison.
Last but not least..
I realised if you calm and steay, nothing will hit you down. Oh, I get it now. Ahem..
Today is an especially 'fucking' hardcore day.
I have no mood.
I just to get the numbers to confirm. I think I will quit ERS after accumulating 72 points. I missed ninjado lots. Darn to some people who think that they are so noble and great.
One word, though.
FUCK IT!
I have no mood.
I just to get the numbers to confirm. I think I will quit ERS after accumulating 72 points. I missed ninjado lots. Darn to some people who think that they are so noble and great.
One word, though.
FUCK IT!
I just realised something..
I have got this face that don't depicts my life. In short, I got a face that does not show what I have been through. Or rather, what I'm currently facing.
Indeed, life propels me till never-ending.
Right now, I just left 3 papers to go. In the meanwhile, I must keep the camp routines in order. If not, everything will go berserk. And.. I will be on hot wheels, like before. Oh darn it. Life is just as sickening as a stray hamburger. Lousy like shit. Smelly like toufu. Yucky like my foot.
Also, I wonder if I have a real 'big' mouth. It seems like I'm talking too much. I don't wish to let other people intrude my life. I want to be normal. I don't want anyone to understand me more than I do, myself. This is me. I'm myself. That's all. I hope I will just stop talking about anything of myself to others.
Seriously..
I need to put a stop to this.
Can somebody please kindly pass me a masking tape to seal me up?
Please.. I beg you.
I need to take a leak. After that, study. Tomorrow study. The day after tomorrow still study. The days ahead are all pre-occupied with study-ing-s. And.. Nothing more. In the meantime, there's more to meet than an eye. I shall sneak my schedule to you a little, my dear diary.
That's a brief detail. Looks like I'm going to be busier and busier. Time allows no flaws. Now way. I shall not be bowed down by fate. I'm strong and will be in the future.
FATE! You shall not succeed in killing me. This time round, it's GAME-OVER for you. Go and kiss your ass man. WAHAHA.. ;))
I have got this face that don't depicts my life. In short, I got a face that does not show what I have been through. Or rather, what I'm currently facing.
Indeed, life propels me till never-ending.
Right now, I just left 3 papers to go. In the meanwhile, I must keep the camp routines in order. If not, everything will go berserk. And.. I will be on hot wheels, like before. Oh darn it. Life is just as sickening as a stray hamburger. Lousy like shit. Smelly like toufu. Yucky like my foot.
Also, I wonder if I have a real 'big' mouth. It seems like I'm talking too much. I don't wish to let other people intrude my life. I want to be normal. I don't want anyone to understand me more than I do, myself. This is me. I'm myself. That's all. I hope I will just stop talking about anything of myself to others.
Seriously..
I need to put a stop to this.
Can somebody please kindly pass me a masking tape to seal me up?
Please.. I beg you.
I need to take a leak. After that, study. Tomorrow study. The day after tomorrow still study. The days ahead are all pre-occupied with study-ing-s. And.. Nothing more. In the meantime, there's more to meet than an eye. I shall sneak my schedule to you a little, my dear diary.
- 11 August: An appointment with NP NTUC childcare principal/ submission of LCOM report
- 12 August: BBQ at West Coast celebrate Linda's birthday
- 14 August: Linda's birthday/ NP SDAR meeting/ Study with Ryan
- 15 August: han Lun's birthday/ Samples t-shirts for Eco camp 06
- 21 August: QLA examinations
- 22 August: OPCS examinations
- 23 August: My LAO PA's birthday/ IMGT examinations
- 25 August: Repair handphone/ Sample trail walk at MacRitchie Reservoir with Han Sheng for Eco camp 06
- 26 August: NP ERS big nature walk
- 27 August: MDE musical fountain at Botanic Gardens
- 28 and 29 August: Helper for MDE events
- 30 August: Oliver's birthday/ Facilities check (ERS August)
- 1 September: NP NTUC childcare one-day workshop'
- 2 September: Represent NP ERS for SMU national seminar talk
- 5 to 6 September: NP ERS Eco camp 06
- 8 September: Joannie's birthday
- 14 September: NP ERS beach clean-up (ECES/ EES)
- 18 to 20 September: LMGT T2L1 class chalet
- 22 September: Clarence's birthday
That's a brief detail. Looks like I'm going to be busier and busier. Time allows no flaws. Now way. I shall not be bowed down by fate. I'm strong and will be in the future.
FATE! You shall not succeed in killing me. This time round, it's GAME-OVER for you. Go and kiss your ass man. WAHAHA.. ;))
Tomorrow's gonna be National Day. Singapore is turning 41 years old. Indeed, time flies. It really does. After all, 18 years has passed for me. And.. It's going to continue on and on. Forever. Never stopping.
Yet..
I'm fretting over all those unneccessary stuffs, right now. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what else can I do to help myself. By right, what I should be doing now is - 'study'. However so, I just isn't able to put that as my top prority. I'm so fucked up inside out. I'm so amazingly pissed throughout. Somehow, the steams managed to fumble my emotions out. I'm turning nuts soon.
I think I'm darn - fake. This is the hateful side of me, I guess. Or at least, the reality has proven itself. I can be extremely nice and good to someone. But, the moment I turned around, I can be a different person. I have spilt personalities. I dislike myself so much. I never wanted to harm anyone in anyways. No no. It wasn't my initial intentions before. But, why?
All I learnt in life now is.. I have to pose and not be my true self. I felt helpless. Time and time, I told myself to change for the better. But, I just can't get rid of the guilty side. I slip and fell all the time. Am I really that useless? Isn't there any hopes for me? Can anyone please tell me why? Why am I so fucked up?
I know I'm so vulgar nowadays. But, I just can't help it. I can't stop myself from keeping quiet. The silence ball has broken into pieces long ago. I can never keep my cool anymore. I'm just so.. Not myself, anymore.
Nothing more to say.
Am I so despicable?
Am I boring?
Am I so irritating and shameless?
If not, why do I feel I'm? Tell me..
I know people comfort me for the better. I also know that friends who care really care, unlike those hypocrites. Really.. I'm just so stressed now. I'm actually listening to all the songs in the media list now. Normally, I keep switching songs. But today, I'm actually not bothered. I'm such a..
Honestly, I'm happier in Ninjado. At least, I still get to train myself. I like martial arts but maybe not to the extent of Quan and Wei Xin's. I just like joining activities and doing things that I like. I know I don't look like one. But you know.. I'm really keen in this. I
I do also like nature and the environment. I appreciate the green very much. Thus, I hope to influence people around and make them like the nature like I do. I jolly well know that the things I do and like are quite rare. Often, I hear people saying I'm weird and eccentric. I'm just eerie to them. But, do they really know me? If yes, what then?
Derrick told me this. He says that I should do things that I like, and not things that I'm supposed to. The key word is - happiness. I know that. I really do. But.. Am I happy now? I would say yes and no. Somehow, I'm quite lost. I don't really understand life. After all, Í'm stranded alone on this big island, alone. Deep down, I'm just so scared. I look tough. But, I don't admit that I act tough. I don't want people to know the weak side of me. No..
What makes a club or organisation is the main committee. The other members come next. So, tell me what to do. I can't get in touch with most of my main committee. It appears that I'm doing most of the jobs in the club when I'm just a Human Resource Head. That's my post, get it? Look.. I'm not so greedy. I don't like to fight for credits. I'm just merely doing things to stop the SDAR management from closing down Environmental Rangers Society (ERS) in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I want this club to continue. Really.
But.. Who can I work with? The remaining 'committed' members are me, Han Sheng, Christopher Choo, Christopher Chin, Natasha, Shi Ya and Wei Tai. Han Sheng, Shi Ya and bothe Christopher(s) are in year 3 and they are going off to attachments between September to October. Natasha, Wei Tai and myself are currently in year 2. Natasha is always busy with her own stuffs. She claims she has to work during the holidays and she's involved in other sports events. Nah.. She's just too busy for me. I can't contact her, let alone a meeting or work with her. Wei Tai is a rather nice guy, as a friend only. But.. If I were to pair up and work together with him, I will die. To me, he's petty, stingy, fussy and bad-tempered durind cooperation. I wonder did I think too much. And have anyone noticed my 'change of mood' suddenly? Ya.. Cos of him.
Is there any difference between a LSCT and SOE person?
If not, why is Wei Tai so demanding? I know he had personal conflicts with Han Sheng. He's only the vice-president. Han Sheng's the president. He's more influential. Yet, I don't get what Wei tai really wants. He seems to be the only person who thinks he's smart and noble. Actually, I think quite alike with Han Sheng. The ideas that Wei Tai proposed for the upcoming events is just so unnatural. He's so constant and demoralishing. I don't like. >.<
I wonder why Ninjado don't have so much these kinda of things, in exception to the John and Gerald's incident. And also.. Why is Marky Cheong so different from Wei Tai? He's much nicer and easier to communicate. I seem to have generation gaps woth Wei Tai. Han Sheng's 7 years older than me, yet I find him more approachable than Wei Tai.
Again.. I wonder why?
Bee Sim and Dawn are also nicer.
Hai.. What's wrong with either MDE or SOE? And. I think I don't really have a good impression of Ms Maga. I think she's more grumbly than me. And her words don't match with her actions. She says this and does that, instead. I mean.. So what if she's the advisor for ERS? I don't give a darn seriously. Given the old furious me, it will be 'fuck off la'.
She's like darn free. She has no tests or exams. And she's only being put in charge of only one CCA and that's ERS. So.. What's her problem ar? I can't tahan..
Darn her.
Darn anybody who opposes me. Break the hell off my hands and neck. Please just go away, bastards and bitches. Darn fucking shit. Fake off.
I'm only concerned about the events I organised. One word - success. I can't fail any of these. Never. I believe I can. I want to tell my parents to not worry for me. If I can't manage, I will quit and disappear. I know what I'm doing, Mother and Father. I really do.. Trust me ok? I hope this isn't much.
Please.
I'm just saying angry remarks in this entry. I'm just letting out all the unhappy airs here. I never mean to use any 'rude' and 'uncivilised' words.
Believe what you think I'm. I shall stop here.
May the peace prevails inside me soon.
PEACE.
Lim Xue Yan Joyce makes sure that everything impossible is going to happen. She allows no slapping of clashes. She knows when and what to do. She can think. Crowds make her small. Spaces mould her big.
Gigantic.
Yet..
I'm fretting over all those unneccessary stuffs, right now. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what else can I do to help myself. By right, what I should be doing now is - 'study'. However so, I just isn't able to put that as my top prority. I'm so fucked up inside out. I'm so amazingly pissed throughout. Somehow, the steams managed to fumble my emotions out. I'm turning nuts soon.
I think I'm darn - fake. This is the hateful side of me, I guess. Or at least, the reality has proven itself. I can be extremely nice and good to someone. But, the moment I turned around, I can be a different person. I have spilt personalities. I dislike myself so much. I never wanted to harm anyone in anyways. No no. It wasn't my initial intentions before. But, why?
All I learnt in life now is.. I have to pose and not be my true self. I felt helpless. Time and time, I told myself to change for the better. But, I just can't get rid of the guilty side. I slip and fell all the time. Am I really that useless? Isn't there any hopes for me? Can anyone please tell me why? Why am I so fucked up?
I know I'm so vulgar nowadays. But, I just can't help it. I can't stop myself from keeping quiet. The silence ball has broken into pieces long ago. I can never keep my cool anymore. I'm just so.. Not myself, anymore.
Nothing more to say.
Am I so despicable?
Am I boring?
Am I so irritating and shameless?
If not, why do I feel I'm? Tell me..
I know people comfort me for the better. I also know that friends who care really care, unlike those hypocrites. Really.. I'm just so stressed now. I'm actually listening to all the songs in the media list now. Normally, I keep switching songs. But today, I'm actually not bothered. I'm such a..
Honestly, I'm happier in Ninjado. At least, I still get to train myself. I like martial arts but maybe not to the extent of Quan and Wei Xin's. I just like joining activities and doing things that I like. I know I don't look like one. But you know.. I'm really keen in this. I
I do also like nature and the environment. I appreciate the green very much. Thus, I hope to influence people around and make them like the nature like I do. I jolly well know that the things I do and like are quite rare. Often, I hear people saying I'm weird and eccentric. I'm just eerie to them. But, do they really know me? If yes, what then?
Derrick told me this. He says that I should do things that I like, and not things that I'm supposed to. The key word is - happiness. I know that. I really do. But.. Am I happy now? I would say yes and no. Somehow, I'm quite lost. I don't really understand life. After all, Í'm stranded alone on this big island, alone. Deep down, I'm just so scared. I look tough. But, I don't admit that I act tough. I don't want people to know the weak side of me. No..
What makes a club or organisation is the main committee. The other members come next. So, tell me what to do. I can't get in touch with most of my main committee. It appears that I'm doing most of the jobs in the club when I'm just a Human Resource Head. That's my post, get it? Look.. I'm not so greedy. I don't like to fight for credits. I'm just merely doing things to stop the SDAR management from closing down Environmental Rangers Society (ERS) in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I want this club to continue. Really.
But.. Who can I work with? The remaining 'committed' members are me, Han Sheng, Christopher Choo, Christopher Chin, Natasha, Shi Ya and Wei Tai. Han Sheng, Shi Ya and bothe Christopher(s) are in year 3 and they are going off to attachments between September to October. Natasha, Wei Tai and myself are currently in year 2. Natasha is always busy with her own stuffs. She claims she has to work during the holidays and she's involved in other sports events. Nah.. She's just too busy for me. I can't contact her, let alone a meeting or work with her. Wei Tai is a rather nice guy, as a friend only. But.. If I were to pair up and work together with him, I will die. To me, he's petty, stingy, fussy and bad-tempered durind cooperation. I wonder did I think too much. And have anyone noticed my 'change of mood' suddenly? Ya.. Cos of him.
Is there any difference between a LSCT and SOE person?
If not, why is Wei Tai so demanding? I know he had personal conflicts with Han Sheng. He's only the vice-president. Han Sheng's the president. He's more influential. Yet, I don't get what Wei tai really wants. He seems to be the only person who thinks he's smart and noble. Actually, I think quite alike with Han Sheng. The ideas that Wei Tai proposed for the upcoming events is just so unnatural. He's so constant and demoralishing. I don't like. >.<
I wonder why Ninjado don't have so much these kinda of things, in exception to the John and Gerald's incident. And also.. Why is Marky Cheong so different from Wei Tai? He's much nicer and easier to communicate. I seem to have generation gaps woth Wei Tai. Han Sheng's 7 years older than me, yet I find him more approachable than Wei Tai.
Again.. I wonder why?
Bee Sim and Dawn are also nicer.
Hai.. What's wrong with either MDE or SOE? And. I think I don't really have a good impression of Ms Maga. I think she's more grumbly than me. And her words don't match with her actions. She says this and does that, instead. I mean.. So what if she's the advisor for ERS? I don't give a darn seriously. Given the old furious me, it will be 'fuck off la'.
She's like darn free. She has no tests or exams. And she's only being put in charge of only one CCA and that's ERS. So.. What's her problem ar? I can't tahan..
Darn her.
Darn anybody who opposes me. Break the hell off my hands and neck. Please just go away, bastards and bitches. Darn fucking shit. Fake off.
I'm only concerned about the events I organised. One word - success. I can't fail any of these. Never. I believe I can. I want to tell my parents to not worry for me. If I can't manage, I will quit and disappear. I know what I'm doing, Mother and Father. I really do.. Trust me ok? I hope this isn't much.
Please.
I'm just saying angry remarks in this entry. I'm just letting out all the unhappy airs here. I never mean to use any 'rude' and 'uncivilised' words.
Believe what you think I'm. I shall stop here.
May the peace prevails inside me soon.
PEACE.
Lim Xue Yan Joyce makes sure that everything impossible is going to happen. She allows no slapping of clashes. She knows when and what to do. She can think. Crowds make her small. Spaces mould her big.
Gigantic.
Indeed, I would say life has an interesting, colourful side.
First, I felt funny yesterday. I had a guy friend. He told me not to fall for him. 'Cos we are merely strangers. Well said. I had that exactly in mind, too. We had barely know each another. I felt weird. Honestly, I think he darn shameless. My deepest apologies if you happen to read this, ya? What I mean is.. What makes you think that I like you?
Fat hope.
FAT HOPES. LOL.
Second, I feel that I'm such a maid. I managed to pack finished my whole clubhouse, with an exceptional of a little help from a friend. She helped me to sweep the floor. I handled all the rest of the hard chores. Last night, I finally sort out the stacks of notes I took from the clubhouse. I can't imagine I really did those.
In fact, I did. No wonder I'm so tired, now.
Third, guess what? Know what I have been doing since this morning? Eh I was.. Typing proposals? I was busy mailing all the ERS members for the upcoming meetings. I was simply doing this and that. Maybe I'm wasting my precious time. Maybe I'm not. Who knows?
If I think I'm, then I'm. If not, then I'm not. I'm tired of hearing my parents nagging all the time, too. I think whatever they do or say are all for my own good, but.. I just can't help it by saying KNN deep inside. I'm sorry but.. Oh well.
Fourth, I'm facing poverty right now. I'm getting poorer and poorer each day. For what I do not know. I'm totally pissed and shut off in school. I really hate hearing Sandy's voice. Once again, for what I do not know. I just know I have to face people that I don't even want. I understand life is unfair and like that. I'm grumbling now but I ain't angry. I'm just tired..
That's all.
Fifth, I keep having nightmares these days. Somehow, I became numb by it. Anyway, Gerry.. Thanks a lot. It's nice of you to even sms me a word of concern. I'm ok. Ya?
Now, weariness is enough to kill me, though. I don't even care to afford to do anything, now. I saw people whom I knew last time. Yet, I simply turned my back away and walked off. Am I right? I just feel awkward seeing them. I pretended to not answer my phone calls deliberately when some of my friends called me on my mobile. I just hate it - myself.
Phew..
Sixth, I'm bombared with crazes and desires. I want to lie back and relax. I want to show the world that I can leave my heavy shell behind, too. I can kill people easily. But.. I'm also a guai guai kid. I can be nice, sweet and polite, too. I'm just so mixed..
Seventh, Wei Xin called me yesterday's evening to chill outside. He said he was going over to Sabah after the examinations. He was going to chiong at his friend's house. So good.. I'm green with envy lo. I also yearn to return to Malaysia, ages ago. Jin Quan will be going New York, too. Ninjado will be quieter, too. Also, Han Sheng will be going China for year 3's attachment. Now, I will alone as the acting President of the club. Oh man.
Darn it.
I wonder when will my carefree life commence? Eh.. When?
>.<"'
Eighth, I watched SuperBand, Singapore Idol and Central Affairs last night. I was busy switching channels. Now, I now who's Paul, Johnathan, Jay and Jasmine. They are the so-called 'popular' ones.. I see. Now, I know. I'm happy that 'Mi Lu Bi' won! Initially, I had actually hoped that 'Lucify' would win. But.. Alas, they didn't. It's alright. I just don't want 'Soul' to win. They are lousy, to me. Haha. I began to feel Season's harshness in the Central Affairs. She seemed to chage overnight ever since she broke her mentor and Charles up, 'indirectly'. She wasn't the old, innocent - herself, again. I understood why. How Jonny stood her up and played her like a fool is more than enough. Furthermore, she used to be pregnant with his child, before.
Oh man..
Ninth, I hope that my handphone bills will not shot up just those previous months. If not, I will really die. I hope pimples will just stop dwelling onto my face. I hope the pores will slim and disappear, themselves. I hope my hair will smell nice and I will grow too fat. I weighed myself just now too. I'm on the border line le. Wa.. I'm must grow thinner and slimmier, someday, somehow. When I got time then see how la. I think I have shrunk again. Wa piang..
-.-lll
Last but not least, I'm going to bath after this. Then, I will makan dinner and start. If not, I will never reach GPA 3.5. I must score no matter what. I can't let that YKK girl look down on me. I know she finds me a pain in the ass. Even though I'm not as pretty as her, my eys are smaller than her, she's taller than me, her eyelids are longer and thicker than me, but so? I don''t give 100% darn. She only affects 40% of my mood. I promise I will strive hard and hit her hard with my grades. I like myself. She says I look ugly, but so? I think I'm cuter and have better figure than her. My prospects are better. She can grope her ears and buzz off, already.
I will not regret my words.
I'm marking them, now.
My ERS events must be a success. First, the camp! I appreciate whoever who wants to come and help me out. Thank you very much. Everybody is so nice. It boils down to whoever you meet. :))
TATA. ^_^
First, I felt funny yesterday. I had a guy friend. He told me not to fall for him. 'Cos we are merely strangers. Well said. I had that exactly in mind, too. We had barely know each another. I felt weird. Honestly, I think he darn shameless. My deepest apologies if you happen to read this, ya? What I mean is.. What makes you think that I like you?
Fat hope.
FAT HOPES. LOL.
Second, I feel that I'm such a maid. I managed to pack finished my whole clubhouse, with an exceptional of a little help from a friend. She helped me to sweep the floor. I handled all the rest of the hard chores. Last night, I finally sort out the stacks of notes I took from the clubhouse. I can't imagine I really did those.
In fact, I did. No wonder I'm so tired, now.
Third, guess what? Know what I have been doing since this morning? Eh I was.. Typing proposals? I was busy mailing all the ERS members for the upcoming meetings. I was simply doing this and that. Maybe I'm wasting my precious time. Maybe I'm not. Who knows?
If I think I'm, then I'm. If not, then I'm not. I'm tired of hearing my parents nagging all the time, too. I think whatever they do or say are all for my own good, but.. I just can't help it by saying KNN deep inside. I'm sorry but.. Oh well.
Fourth, I'm facing poverty right now. I'm getting poorer and poorer each day. For what I do not know. I'm totally pissed and shut off in school. I really hate hearing Sandy's voice. Once again, for what I do not know. I just know I have to face people that I don't even want. I understand life is unfair and like that. I'm grumbling now but I ain't angry. I'm just tired..
That's all.
Fifth, I keep having nightmares these days. Somehow, I became numb by it. Anyway, Gerry.. Thanks a lot. It's nice of you to even sms me a word of concern. I'm ok. Ya?
Now, weariness is enough to kill me, though. I don't even care to afford to do anything, now. I saw people whom I knew last time. Yet, I simply turned my back away and walked off. Am I right? I just feel awkward seeing them. I pretended to not answer my phone calls deliberately when some of my friends called me on my mobile. I just hate it - myself.
Phew..
Sixth, I'm bombared with crazes and desires. I want to lie back and relax. I want to show the world that I can leave my heavy shell behind, too. I can kill people easily. But.. I'm also a guai guai kid. I can be nice, sweet and polite, too. I'm just so mixed..
Seventh, Wei Xin called me yesterday's evening to chill outside. He said he was going over to Sabah after the examinations. He was going to chiong at his friend's house. So good.. I'm green with envy lo. I also yearn to return to Malaysia, ages ago. Jin Quan will be going New York, too. Ninjado will be quieter, too. Also, Han Sheng will be going China for year 3's attachment. Now, I will alone as the acting President of the club. Oh man.
Darn it.
I wonder when will my carefree life commence? Eh.. When?
>.<"'
Eighth, I watched SuperBand, Singapore Idol and Central Affairs last night. I was busy switching channels. Now, I now who's Paul, Johnathan, Jay and Jasmine. They are the so-called 'popular' ones.. I see. Now, I know. I'm happy that 'Mi Lu Bi' won! Initially, I had actually hoped that 'Lucify' would win. But.. Alas, they didn't. It's alright. I just don't want 'Soul' to win. They are lousy, to me. Haha. I began to feel Season's harshness in the Central Affairs. She seemed to chage overnight ever since she broke her mentor and Charles up, 'indirectly'. She wasn't the old, innocent - herself, again. I understood why. How Jonny stood her up and played her like a fool is more than enough. Furthermore, she used to be pregnant with his child, before.
Oh man..
Ninth, I hope that my handphone bills will not shot up just those previous months. If not, I will really die. I hope pimples will just stop dwelling onto my face. I hope the pores will slim and disappear, themselves. I hope my hair will smell nice and I will grow too fat. I weighed myself just now too. I'm on the border line le. Wa.. I'm must grow thinner and slimmier, someday, somehow. When I got time then see how la. I think I have shrunk again. Wa piang..
-.-lll
Last but not least, I'm going to bath after this. Then, I will makan dinner and start. If not, I will never reach GPA 3.5. I must score no matter what. I can't let that YKK girl look down on me. I know she finds me a pain in the ass. Even though I'm not as pretty as her, my eys are smaller than her, she's taller than me, her eyelids are longer and thicker than me, but so? I don''t give 100% darn. She only affects 40% of my mood. I promise I will strive hard and hit her hard with my grades. I like myself. She says I look ugly, but so? I think I'm cuter and have better figure than her. My prospects are better. She can grope her ears and buzz off, already.
I will not regret my words.
I'm marking them, now.
My ERS events must be a success. First, the camp! I appreciate whoever who wants to come and help me out. Thank you very much. Everybody is so nice. It boils down to whoever you meet. :))
TATA. ^_^
I had a bad dream.
I just woke up, now.
I dreamt of a crazy woman entering into a lift, with a man and me. She came in later. We were on the 9th floor. She was carrying a plastic axe. I don't really know how to describe it. But, I know that's a Mathematics instrument tool. I just know. 'Cos I had seen it before. Suddenly, she shouted at me and asked to force open the lift door.
She's insane. The lift has yet reached the first floor, la. It's only the fifth floor. And, she had just entered the lift also. So, what was she barking about? I'm really scared. Her bloody shot eyes. Her puffy eyebags. Her astonishing strong sense of body odour. Her menacing bad breaths. They were simply enough to freak me out. I was shivering inside out. My legs were jelly. I wanted to get out of the lift. I need to.
Then, the moment the lift door opened, this woman just used her plastics axe and chopped a man, who is standing outside. The man was both shocked and angry. He tried to hit her and retaliate back. But, I guess he was too slow. The woman kept hitting him all the way and everywhere. She was darn digusting to me. But.. I can't do anything.
At the same time, the man who was also in the lift with me was also very scared. And surprisingly, he also got a similar axe as the woman's. He seems refined. But my sixth senses beg to differ. I had a strong feeling that something bad is going to happen, real soon. I'm like eh.. At a loss?
The mad woman kept shouting to don't close the lift door. She wanted it to be opened at all times so that she could attack the man outside. She is crazy. I can just kick her bloody fat ass outside what. But, I don't dare. I seem to lost all strength. It was then I remembered why was I in the lift. I was actually going across the opposite block to see my mother. She was very ill. Fragile as ever. I had to see her. It was urgent. And there was this woman here making a din now. What the hell, isn't it?
Then, you know what? I think she killed the man. There was blood everywhere. Then, she turned around and stared at us. She closed the lift door, herself. And, the 3 of us were going down to the first floor. I wondered why it took ages. Then, she gave a 'bosong' face at the man beside me.
She said, "Why? You never kill someone before, is it? Stare what stare? Never stare before, is it! Fuck you, la."
Honestly, she was ranting on and on. That was the only clear part which I can hear from her. The rest are just a necessarity of words, characters and sentences. The man was like really to explode at any point of time. He also darn unhappy with that 'bitch'. Then, they started to hit using the axes. I was like in the middle, can. The guy was attacked and he was bleeding. I pretended I never see anything and wanted to scream. I really wanted to get out of the bloody lift. Help!
Then, she stared at me next. She attacked me too. She gave me a hard slash on my shoulders and arm. And she was like.. "Pain or pain? You like blood? I can give you somemore."
I think she's mad. I was like a zombie. I can't move at all. She's darn it. She's a insane loser. She's a mad lunatic. Before I could even say or think anymore, I realised that I was in a car. The car was cramped and messy. The guy was sitting beside me. He was tightening my hands. The woman was driving. And.. I was lost. Why the hell am I doing in the car? And where the hell were they bringing me? I had absoultely no idea how these 2 people are linked together. Then, I saw the Malaysia custom. They were bringing me to Malaysia. But, how?
I don't even have my passport with me, can. Then, I saw a female policeman. She looked familiar. I think she's from our school NRA. Also from Logistics Management, too. She was the bloody policewoman. I tried to send sos to her. I wanted her to help me, But her eyes were like darn.. Cukoo. Ku Ku. She didn't even take notice of me and thought I was fooling aroung. And, the man beside me kept holding me back. All that policeman's fault. She can't even spot my danger. She's incompetent. After all, NRA people like quite useless. Talking about this NRA girl, I think she's looked pretty to me. She's fair and tall yet she carries a bit of 'ah lian' flora with her. She's the most extreme typical 'dao' and 'fake' face I have ever since in my whole life. 18 years. She can just smile to you and turns around, and not smiling. Darn faker. Poser also.
Ok, back to my dream..
I tried calling my handphone but it reached my mother's. I tried to scream for help but to no avail. Oh no.. I can't really recall the whole story. But, I remembered the last part when my mother tries to save me. She was attacked by this mad woman who tried to kill me. In order to protect me, mother actually shielded me all the while. Mother had a very pale face. Her lips were already white and restless. In the end, mother sacrificed herself to save me. I was so..
Within seconds, anger engulfed me. I was overwhemled with streams and feriousity that I never felt before in my life. I did many kicks and gave that to the bastard guy and the fat ass woman. Last, I gave both of them a hard twist at their necks to end everything off. Before, I could even blink my eyes, they were lying on the floor, lifeless. Heck was what I felt.
I quickly ran to my mother. All the hatred and misunderstanding I had for her these years was gone. All I could see was the neglience I treated and repayed her with. I was such a infilial daughter. Never did I once manage to allow Mother's love moved me. I didn't even gave her a chance. After her last words, Mother passed on.
And, I cried.
This is the end of the dream story. Ahem.. Of course, it's true but I will never happen in real life. Yet, I'm feeling something's amiss. It's the seventh month now. And this year is a lunar chinese year. Seriously, I hope that dreams are the opposite of reality. I don't want to think anymore. I'm scared, now. I'm going to treasure my Mother from now onwards. I always treasure her, didn't I?
I'm going to hug my mother now.
Thanks for listening to my 'long' dreams. I know Marky Cheong and Dean are two of the people who read almost all of my entries. Hehs. P.s. Mui sama, I wnated to sms you in the morning. But I had a feeling you are busy. So, I dropped the thought. I got sms you last night. Did you receive? Why didn't you reply? Sorry and thanks.
Regards.
I just woke up, now.
I dreamt of a crazy woman entering into a lift, with a man and me. She came in later. We were on the 9th floor. She was carrying a plastic axe. I don't really know how to describe it. But, I know that's a Mathematics instrument tool. I just know. 'Cos I had seen it before. Suddenly, she shouted at me and asked to force open the lift door.
She's insane. The lift has yet reached the first floor, la. It's only the fifth floor. And, she had just entered the lift also. So, what was she barking about? I'm really scared. Her bloody shot eyes. Her puffy eyebags. Her astonishing strong sense of body odour. Her menacing bad breaths. They were simply enough to freak me out. I was shivering inside out. My legs were jelly. I wanted to get out of the lift. I need to.
Then, the moment the lift door opened, this woman just used her plastics axe and chopped a man, who is standing outside. The man was both shocked and angry. He tried to hit her and retaliate back. But, I guess he was too slow. The woman kept hitting him all the way and everywhere. She was darn digusting to me. But.. I can't do anything.
At the same time, the man who was also in the lift with me was also very scared. And surprisingly, he also got a similar axe as the woman's. He seems refined. But my sixth senses beg to differ. I had a strong feeling that something bad is going to happen, real soon. I'm like eh.. At a loss?
The mad woman kept shouting to don't close the lift door. She wanted it to be opened at all times so that she could attack the man outside. She is crazy. I can just kick her bloody fat ass outside what. But, I don't dare. I seem to lost all strength. It was then I remembered why was I in the lift. I was actually going across the opposite block to see my mother. She was very ill. Fragile as ever. I had to see her. It was urgent. And there was this woman here making a din now. What the hell, isn't it?
Then, you know what? I think she killed the man. There was blood everywhere. Then, she turned around and stared at us. She closed the lift door, herself. And, the 3 of us were going down to the first floor. I wondered why it took ages. Then, she gave a 'bosong' face at the man beside me.
She said, "Why? You never kill someone before, is it? Stare what stare? Never stare before, is it! Fuck you, la."
Honestly, she was ranting on and on. That was the only clear part which I can hear from her. The rest are just a necessarity of words, characters and sentences. The man was like really to explode at any point of time. He also darn unhappy with that 'bitch'. Then, they started to hit using the axes. I was like in the middle, can. The guy was attacked and he was bleeding. I pretended I never see anything and wanted to scream. I really wanted to get out of the bloody lift. Help!
Then, she stared at me next. She attacked me too. She gave me a hard slash on my shoulders and arm. And she was like.. "Pain or pain? You like blood? I can give you somemore."
I think she's mad. I was like a zombie. I can't move at all. She's darn it. She's a insane loser. She's a mad lunatic. Before I could even say or think anymore, I realised that I was in a car. The car was cramped and messy. The guy was sitting beside me. He was tightening my hands. The woman was driving. And.. I was lost. Why the hell am I doing in the car? And where the hell were they bringing me? I had absoultely no idea how these 2 people are linked together. Then, I saw the Malaysia custom. They were bringing me to Malaysia. But, how?
I don't even have my passport with me, can. Then, I saw a female policeman. She looked familiar. I think she's from our school NRA. Also from Logistics Management, too. She was the bloody policewoman. I tried to send sos to her. I wanted her to help me, But her eyes were like darn.. Cukoo. Ku Ku. She didn't even take notice of me and thought I was fooling aroung. And, the man beside me kept holding me back. All that policeman's fault. She can't even spot my danger. She's incompetent. After all, NRA people like quite useless. Talking about this NRA girl, I think she's looked pretty to me. She's fair and tall yet she carries a bit of 'ah lian' flora with her. She's the most extreme typical 'dao' and 'fake' face I have ever since in my whole life. 18 years. She can just smile to you and turns around, and not smiling. Darn faker. Poser also.
Ok, back to my dream..
I tried calling my handphone but it reached my mother's. I tried to scream for help but to no avail. Oh no.. I can't really recall the whole story. But, I remembered the last part when my mother tries to save me. She was attacked by this mad woman who tried to kill me. In order to protect me, mother actually shielded me all the while. Mother had a very pale face. Her lips were already white and restless. In the end, mother sacrificed herself to save me. I was so..
Within seconds, anger engulfed me. I was overwhemled with streams and feriousity that I never felt before in my life. I did many kicks and gave that to the bastard guy and the fat ass woman. Last, I gave both of them a hard twist at their necks to end everything off. Before, I could even blink my eyes, they were lying on the floor, lifeless. Heck was what I felt.
I quickly ran to my mother. All the hatred and misunderstanding I had for her these years was gone. All I could see was the neglience I treated and repayed her with. I was such a infilial daughter. Never did I once manage to allow Mother's love moved me. I didn't even gave her a chance. After her last words, Mother passed on.
And, I cried.
This is the end of the dream story. Ahem.. Of course, it's true but I will never happen in real life. Yet, I'm feeling something's amiss. It's the seventh month now. And this year is a lunar chinese year. Seriously, I hope that dreams are the opposite of reality. I don't want to think anymore. I'm scared, now. I'm going to treasure my Mother from now onwards. I always treasure her, didn't I?
I'm going to hug my mother now.
Thanks for listening to my 'long' dreams. I know Marky Cheong and Dean are two of the people who read almost all of my entries. Hehs. P.s. Mui sama, I wnated to sms you in the morning. But I had a feeling you are busy. So, I dropped the thought. I got sms you last night. Did you receive? Why didn't you reply? Sorry and thanks.
Regards.
Actually, I never like camps.
Moreover, to be the organiser and overall co-ordinator. Eh.. It's like so 'terrible' can. I never expect this at all, before. It's just a shocking piece of shit to me. I have absoultely no comments at all. And.. Know what? I will only be the one who grumbles along the way as I'm doing all these stuffs.
I wouldn't call them a chore.
But the main problem now is: 'I'm really, really very tired'.
This morning, I cried. I talked while strings of tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice wa turning in a funnily manner. I have no strength at all. My mama confronted me, asking me whole chunks of questions which I have in school. To me, school is just as dumb as ever. Sometimes, I really feel it's really a total waste of time there. We learn nothing with those silly brains around.
Honestly, I'm quite pissed. I have this mentality that I will flunk all my modules. It is so evident from all my current examinations. My hopes of getting a GPA 3.5 and above are diminishing. I'm turning dead. Die..
All I want is just a day of silence. Why can't people leave me alone? I really do like to rot, alone. I mean.. It's ok for me. I don't mind. I'm quite used to those loner's style. I'm seriously darn ok. Anyway, I'm not as weak as 'the girls'. I really don't get it. Why are people so indifferent?
This is my blog. I have all rights to let my thoughts wander all about. What's wrong? Get your butts off if you don't like. Please disappear.. I never like to see you people anyway.
I'm thinking, la. Somehow, people keep pushing things or people that they don't like, to me. Neither am I not a tool nor extra. I can't just literally accept things or human beings that appear. I have my rights and causes, too. After all, I'm a real human. I have feelings, too. Oh well..
Sometimes, crying is really good. It makes you feel better. Actually I have got tons of other secrets deep inside. Yet, I don't think letting them make any difference. But.. Crying does. It makes me feel quite relieved. I'm certainly much better, after a long sessions of self-talking with myself and tears-flowing limitations.
I realised by abusing your physically or mentally self is very painful. I can't endure through that. No.. No.. It's just never a yes. Oh my..
My worse record was in fact, crying myself to sleep for a year every night. Those darken 5 years. They made me strong. Nowadays, I no longer pinned like before. I'm certainly much better. I feel better. I can do things better. To me, nothing is a threat. After tomorrow, there will only be a rushing out's powerpoint marketing presentation and a report. Next, 3 more additional major examinations papers. In the meanwhile, I will make space for ERS' public meeting with SDAR and NPSU. Then, NDP comes next. The last one will be Linda's BBQ birthday party. Wa..
It's a bit 'xiong' for me, though.
I'm working things right. now.
After these, I will detailed all of my ERS proposals. Spare me the time limits. I can make it. Pretty please.
JOYCE LIM XUE YAN loves YAN XUE LIM JOYCE.
Forever.
And.. She means it, this time round.
Moreover, to be the organiser and overall co-ordinator. Eh.. It's like so 'terrible' can. I never expect this at all, before. It's just a shocking piece of shit to me. I have absoultely no comments at all. And.. Know what? I will only be the one who grumbles along the way as I'm doing all these stuffs.
I wouldn't call them a chore.
But the main problem now is: 'I'm really, really very tired'.
This morning, I cried. I talked while strings of tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice wa turning in a funnily manner. I have no strength at all. My mama confronted me, asking me whole chunks of questions which I have in school. To me, school is just as dumb as ever. Sometimes, I really feel it's really a total waste of time there. We learn nothing with those silly brains around.
Honestly, I'm quite pissed. I have this mentality that I will flunk all my modules. It is so evident from all my current examinations. My hopes of getting a GPA 3.5 and above are diminishing. I'm turning dead. Die..
All I want is just a day of silence. Why can't people leave me alone? I really do like to rot, alone. I mean.. It's ok for me. I don't mind. I'm quite used to those loner's style. I'm seriously darn ok. Anyway, I'm not as weak as 'the girls'. I really don't get it. Why are people so indifferent?
This is my blog. I have all rights to let my thoughts wander all about. What's wrong? Get your butts off if you don't like. Please disappear.. I never like to see you people anyway.
I'm thinking, la. Somehow, people keep pushing things or people that they don't like, to me. Neither am I not a tool nor extra. I can't just literally accept things or human beings that appear. I have my rights and causes, too. After all, I'm a real human. I have feelings, too. Oh well..
Sometimes, crying is really good. It makes you feel better. Actually I have got tons of other secrets deep inside. Yet, I don't think letting them make any difference. But.. Crying does. It makes me feel quite relieved. I'm certainly much better, after a long sessions of self-talking with myself and tears-flowing limitations.
I realised by abusing your physically or mentally self is very painful. I can't endure through that. No.. No.. It's just never a yes. Oh my..
My worse record was in fact, crying myself to sleep for a year every night. Those darken 5 years. They made me strong. Nowadays, I no longer pinned like before. I'm certainly much better. I feel better. I can do things better. To me, nothing is a threat. After tomorrow, there will only be a rushing out's powerpoint marketing presentation and a report. Next, 3 more additional major examinations papers. In the meanwhile, I will make space for ERS' public meeting with SDAR and NPSU. Then, NDP comes next. The last one will be Linda's BBQ birthday party. Wa..
It's a bit 'xiong' for me, though.
I'm working things right. now.
After these, I will detailed all of my ERS proposals. Spare me the time limits. I can make it. Pretty please.
JOYCE LIM XUE YAN loves YAN XUE LIM JOYCE.
Forever.
And.. She means it, this time round.
