Tomorrow's gonna be National Day. Singapore is turning 41 years old. Indeed, time flies. It really does. After all, 18 years has passed for me. And.. It's going to continue on and on. Forever. Never stopping.
Yet..
I'm fretting over all those unneccessary stuffs, right now. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what else can I do to help myself. By right, what I should be doing now is - 'study'. However so, I just isn't able to put that as my top prority. I'm so fucked up inside out. I'm so amazingly pissed throughout. Somehow, the steams managed to fumble my emotions out. I'm turning nuts soon.
I think I'm darn - fake. This is the hateful side of me, I guess. Or at least, the reality has proven itself. I can be extremely nice and good to someone. But, the moment I turned around, I can be a different person. I have spilt personalities. I dislike myself so much. I never wanted to harm anyone in anyways. No no. It wasn't my initial intentions before. But, why?
All I learnt in life now is.. I have to pose and not be my true self. I felt helpless. Time and time, I told myself to change for the better. But, I just can't get rid of the guilty side. I slip and fell all the time. Am I really that useless? Isn't there any hopes for me? Can anyone please tell me why? Why am I so fucked up?
I know I'm so vulgar nowadays. But, I just can't help it. I can't stop myself from keeping quiet. The silence ball has broken into pieces long ago. I can never keep my cool anymore. I'm just so.. Not myself, anymore.
Nothing more to say.
Am I so despicable?
Am I boring?
Am I so irritating and shameless?
If not, why do I feel I'm? Tell me..
I know people comfort me for the better. I also know that friends who care really care, unlike those hypocrites. Really.. I'm just so stressed now. I'm actually listening to all the songs in the media list now. Normally, I keep switching songs. But today, I'm actually not bothered. I'm such a..
Honestly, I'm happier in Ninjado. At least, I still get to train myself. I like martial arts but maybe not to the extent of Quan and Wei Xin's. I just like joining activities and doing things that I like. I know I don't look like one. But you know.. I'm really keen in this. I
I do also like nature and the environment. I appreciate the green very much. Thus, I hope to influence people around and make them like the nature like I do. I jolly well know that the things I do and like are quite rare. Often, I hear people saying I'm weird and eccentric. I'm just eerie to them. But, do they really know me? If yes, what then?
Derrick told me this. He says that I should do things that I like, and not things that I'm supposed to. The key word is - happiness. I know that. I really do. But.. Am I happy now? I would say yes and no. Somehow, I'm quite lost. I don't really understand life. After all, Í'm stranded alone on this big island, alone. Deep down, I'm just so scared. I look tough. But, I don't admit that I act tough. I don't want people to know the weak side of me. No..
What makes a club or organisation is the main committee. The other members come next. So, tell me what to do. I can't get in touch with most of my main committee. It appears that I'm doing most of the jobs in the club when I'm just a Human Resource Head. That's my post, get it? Look.. I'm not so greedy. I don't like to fight for credits. I'm just merely doing things to stop the SDAR management from closing down Environmental Rangers Society (ERS) in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I want this club to continue. Really.
But.. Who can I work with? The remaining 'committed' members are me, Han Sheng, Christopher Choo, Christopher Chin, Natasha, Shi Ya and Wei Tai. Han Sheng, Shi Ya and bothe Christopher(s) are in year 3 and they are going off to attachments between September to October. Natasha, Wei Tai and myself are currently in year 2. Natasha is always busy with her own stuffs. She claims she has to work during the holidays and she's involved in other sports events. Nah.. She's just too busy for me. I can't contact her, let alone a meeting or work with her. Wei Tai is a rather nice guy, as a friend only. But.. If I were to pair up and work together with him, I will die. To me, he's petty, stingy, fussy and bad-tempered durind cooperation. I wonder did I think too much. And have anyone noticed my 'change of mood' suddenly? Ya.. Cos of him.
Is there any difference between a LSCT and SOE person?
If not, why is Wei Tai so demanding? I know he had personal conflicts with Han Sheng. He's only the vice-president. Han Sheng's the president. He's more influential. Yet, I don't get what Wei tai really wants. He seems to be the only person who thinks he's smart and noble. Actually, I think quite alike with Han Sheng. The ideas that Wei Tai proposed for the upcoming events is just so unnatural. He's so constant and demoralishing. I don't like. >.<
I wonder why Ninjado don't have so much these kinda of things, in exception to the John and Gerald's incident. And also.. Why is Marky Cheong so different from Wei Tai? He's much nicer and easier to communicate. I seem to have generation gaps woth Wei Tai. Han Sheng's 7 years older than me, yet I find him more approachable than Wei Tai.
Again.. I wonder why?
Bee Sim and Dawn are also nicer.
Hai.. What's wrong with either MDE or SOE? And. I think I don't really have a good impression of Ms Maga. I think she's more grumbly than me. And her words don't match with her actions. She says this and does that, instead. I mean.. So what if she's the advisor for ERS? I don't give a darn seriously. Given the old furious me, it will be 'fuck off la'.
She's like darn free. She has no tests or exams. And she's only being put in charge of only one CCA and that's ERS. So.. What's her problem ar? I can't tahan..
Darn her.
Darn anybody who opposes me. Break the hell off my hands and neck. Please just go away, bastards and bitches. Darn fucking shit. Fake off.
I'm only concerned about the events I organised. One word - success. I can't fail any of these. Never. I believe I can. I want to tell my parents to not worry for me. If I can't manage, I will quit and disappear. I know what I'm doing, Mother and Father. I really do.. Trust me ok? I hope this isn't much.
Please.
I'm just saying angry remarks in this entry. I'm just letting out all the unhappy airs here. I never mean to use any 'rude' and 'uncivilised' words.
Believe what you think I'm. I shall stop here.
May the peace prevails inside me soon.
PEACE.
Lim Xue Yan Joyce makes sure that everything impossible is going to happen. She allows no slapping of clashes. She knows when and what to do. She can think. Crowds make her small. Spaces mould her big.
Gigantic.
Yet..
I'm fretting over all those unneccessary stuffs, right now. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what else can I do to help myself. By right, what I should be doing now is - 'study'. However so, I just isn't able to put that as my top prority. I'm so fucked up inside out. I'm so amazingly pissed throughout. Somehow, the steams managed to fumble my emotions out. I'm turning nuts soon.
I think I'm darn - fake. This is the hateful side of me, I guess. Or at least, the reality has proven itself. I can be extremely nice and good to someone. But, the moment I turned around, I can be a different person. I have spilt personalities. I dislike myself so much. I never wanted to harm anyone in anyways. No no. It wasn't my initial intentions before. But, why?
All I learnt in life now is.. I have to pose and not be my true self. I felt helpless. Time and time, I told myself to change for the better. But, I just can't get rid of the guilty side. I slip and fell all the time. Am I really that useless? Isn't there any hopes for me? Can anyone please tell me why? Why am I so fucked up?
I know I'm so vulgar nowadays. But, I just can't help it. I can't stop myself from keeping quiet. The silence ball has broken into pieces long ago. I can never keep my cool anymore. I'm just so.. Not myself, anymore.
Nothing more to say.
Am I so despicable?
Am I boring?
Am I so irritating and shameless?
If not, why do I feel I'm? Tell me..
I know people comfort me for the better. I also know that friends who care really care, unlike those hypocrites. Really.. I'm just so stressed now. I'm actually listening to all the songs in the media list now. Normally, I keep switching songs. But today, I'm actually not bothered. I'm such a..
Honestly, I'm happier in Ninjado. At least, I still get to train myself. I like martial arts but maybe not to the extent of Quan and Wei Xin's. I just like joining activities and doing things that I like. I know I don't look like one. But you know.. I'm really keen in this. I
I do also like nature and the environment. I appreciate the green very much. Thus, I hope to influence people around and make them like the nature like I do. I jolly well know that the things I do and like are quite rare. Often, I hear people saying I'm weird and eccentric. I'm just eerie to them. But, do they really know me? If yes, what then?
Derrick told me this. He says that I should do things that I like, and not things that I'm supposed to. The key word is - happiness. I know that. I really do. But.. Am I happy now? I would say yes and no. Somehow, I'm quite lost. I don't really understand life. After all, Í'm stranded alone on this big island, alone. Deep down, I'm just so scared. I look tough. But, I don't admit that I act tough. I don't want people to know the weak side of me. No..
What makes a club or organisation is the main committee. The other members come next. So, tell me what to do. I can't get in touch with most of my main committee. It appears that I'm doing most of the jobs in the club when I'm just a Human Resource Head. That's my post, get it? Look.. I'm not so greedy. I don't like to fight for credits. I'm just merely doing things to stop the SDAR management from closing down Environmental Rangers Society (ERS) in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I want this club to continue. Really.
But.. Who can I work with? The remaining 'committed' members are me, Han Sheng, Christopher Choo, Christopher Chin, Natasha, Shi Ya and Wei Tai. Han Sheng, Shi Ya and bothe Christopher(s) are in year 3 and they are going off to attachments between September to October. Natasha, Wei Tai and myself are currently in year 2. Natasha is always busy with her own stuffs. She claims she has to work during the holidays and she's involved in other sports events. Nah.. She's just too busy for me. I can't contact her, let alone a meeting or work with her. Wei Tai is a rather nice guy, as a friend only. But.. If I were to pair up and work together with him, I will die. To me, he's petty, stingy, fussy and bad-tempered durind cooperation. I wonder did I think too much. And have anyone noticed my 'change of mood' suddenly? Ya.. Cos of him.
Is there any difference between a LSCT and SOE person?
If not, why is Wei Tai so demanding? I know he had personal conflicts with Han Sheng. He's only the vice-president. Han Sheng's the president. He's more influential. Yet, I don't get what Wei tai really wants. He seems to be the only person who thinks he's smart and noble. Actually, I think quite alike with Han Sheng. The ideas that Wei Tai proposed for the upcoming events is just so unnatural. He's so constant and demoralishing. I don't like. >.<
I wonder why Ninjado don't have so much these kinda of things, in exception to the John and Gerald's incident. And also.. Why is Marky Cheong so different from Wei Tai? He's much nicer and easier to communicate. I seem to have generation gaps woth Wei Tai. Han Sheng's 7 years older than me, yet I find him more approachable than Wei Tai.
Again.. I wonder why?
Bee Sim and Dawn are also nicer.
Hai.. What's wrong with either MDE or SOE? And. I think I don't really have a good impression of Ms Maga. I think she's more grumbly than me. And her words don't match with her actions. She says this and does that, instead. I mean.. So what if she's the advisor for ERS? I don't give a darn seriously. Given the old furious me, it will be 'fuck off la'.
She's like darn free. She has no tests or exams. And she's only being put in charge of only one CCA and that's ERS. So.. What's her problem ar? I can't tahan..
Darn her.
Darn anybody who opposes me. Break the hell off my hands and neck. Please just go away, bastards and bitches. Darn fucking shit. Fake off.
I'm only concerned about the events I organised. One word - success. I can't fail any of these. Never. I believe I can. I want to tell my parents to not worry for me. If I can't manage, I will quit and disappear. I know what I'm doing, Mother and Father. I really do.. Trust me ok? I hope this isn't much.
Please.
I'm just saying angry remarks in this entry. I'm just letting out all the unhappy airs here. I never mean to use any 'rude' and 'uncivilised' words.
Believe what you think I'm. I shall stop here.
May the peace prevails inside me soon.
PEACE.
Lim Xue Yan Joyce makes sure that everything impossible is going to happen. She allows no slapping of clashes. She knows when and what to do. She can think. Crowds make her small. Spaces mould her big.
Gigantic.
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