Since young, I have always been an extremely 'panicky' girl. There was never once I can manage to calm myself down. I'm just - forever 'kan chiong' like a spider. I know I should stop. Yet.. I just could not help it.
The truth is, I get scared easily.
I can't accomplish big things in life. ‘Cos I lacked that x-factor which is.. My self-confidence.
I keep feeling that people must be laughing and joking behind my back. I can’t stand up for my own rights. I can’t speak on my own. I need to have somebody to ‘pei’ me all day long. I’m just as useless as before.
Maybe.. I was never useful.
Or at least, I guess so.
I simply hope that miracles will happen, somehow. I want my leading troops to win the battle. I want to have the ultimate victory and success. I yearn to be yet am I?
I keep saying ‘after exams’ all the time. Honestly, that’s just one of my convenience excuses. I didn’t have the courage to face myself. I can’t afford the failures in life. I must be perfect all the time.
I was wrong.
I knew I was. Yet.. I told myself I wasn’t. I keep escaping. I try to avoid the facts of life and reality as much as possible. I was a great liar. I had the aspects to be one. I mean.. I’m one, ain’t I?
Studying is hard. But, it’s never easy to jungle between more than one matters in life, at the same time. I’m stressed out. I’m completely drained, I should say. I feel like crying. I feel like killing myself. I just banged my head and it was pain. Sometimes, I like to torture myself, physically. The pain rushes me back to this era. I love to taste all kinds of pain in life. I like to abuse myself, verbally and physically. It makes me feel more like a human being.
I know I can handle. But, I just need more time. Who is going to give me that? Who? Tell me who?
One word – ‘myself’.
The truth is, I get scared easily.
I can't accomplish big things in life. ‘Cos I lacked that x-factor which is.. My self-confidence.
I keep feeling that people must be laughing and joking behind my back. I can’t stand up for my own rights. I can’t speak on my own. I need to have somebody to ‘pei’ me all day long. I’m just as useless as before.
Maybe.. I was never useful.
Or at least, I guess so.
I simply hope that miracles will happen, somehow. I want my leading troops to win the battle. I want to have the ultimate victory and success. I yearn to be yet am I?
I keep saying ‘after exams’ all the time. Honestly, that’s just one of my convenience excuses. I didn’t have the courage to face myself. I can’t afford the failures in life. I must be perfect all the time.
I was wrong.
I knew I was. Yet.. I told myself I wasn’t. I keep escaping. I try to avoid the facts of life and reality as much as possible. I was a great liar. I had the aspects to be one. I mean.. I’m one, ain’t I?
Studying is hard. But, it’s never easy to jungle between more than one matters in life, at the same time. I’m stressed out. I’m completely drained, I should say. I feel like crying. I feel like killing myself. I just banged my head and it was pain. Sometimes, I like to torture myself, physically. The pain rushes me back to this era. I love to taste all kinds of pain in life. I like to abuse myself, verbally and physically. It makes me feel more like a human being.
I know I can handle. But, I just need more time. Who is going to give me that? Who? Tell me who?
One word – ‘myself’.
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