smallminded;

I think that being Joyce is not easy, at all.

Why do I say so?
Cos.. Lots of unfortunate events took place, gradually, continously, these few days.

In conclusion, LIFE IS SICK.

1. Especially when your laptop adaptor was pronounced 'dead' overnight. Moreover, your battery lifespan is left with remaining 5%. How stingy can life be? Oh my lord. Oh..

2. You came across a TWEETY BIRD sales, and, you can’t buy any. How miserable can life be? The various shapes, sizes and patterns are all engraved deep down inside my heart. And I guess, by the time I saved up to buy, the sales are long over, already.

3. Time is running out for me. I can’t have enough time to rest well. ERS is doing okay, but I’m really tired. I’m tired of doing all those publicity and marketing. They suck. Human Resource manager is the worst post one can ever get.

4. Class is getting normal. But, I feel weird. I wonder how must one feel to be good friends with my classmates. I’m beginning to mistrust the friendship I had have with her. What on hell is happening?

5. I haven’t seen the NJD gang for months. Maybe weeks? LOL. I missed Quan, Derrick & the rest, especially minced meat! Aha..

6. It has been ages since I last saw Mui. I really misses him badly. Of course, Jojo & Flora. Yes, Tuesday is coming and I get to meet her, too. I told Elf to get me the tweety birds, too. Haha. It has been nearly 2 years since we last saw, I guess. I can’t imagine how fast time flies, and, how long I didn’t get to see him.

I wanted to talk more, but time doesn’t permit. All I can say is that I don’t trust people that easily. Now that certain things have reached to their climax, I felt paronid and scared. I feel that people are horrifying. I have learnt my lessons in my heart. I can’t tell anybody, but I know what and how to fend for myself. I have a big heart.

Only – I can judge for myself; with the help of the magic hands of Flora Princess, Jojo Queen and Prince Mui Sama. Grumbly_mon, the goodness, will be happy forever and ever and ever, again. ( :

I'm back to normal. Now.. i'm finally still alive and kicking -just like an ordinary human being. After all, time will brush through everything. When the limit's up, the cycle restarts all over and over again.

Oh well..

Mm, I'm just thinking of some trivial matters. Sometimes, people do get on your nerves, I guess. I'm not sure if I'm a straight-forward person or not. But.. i will still voice my opinions here, out. I will say some sensitive issues. But, it's just comments. I never mean to hit on anyone.

It gets pretty irritating when people keep asking how long the ERS meeting will be, etc. Thye ask this and that. They want to get more CCA points. They want to be in the main committee, with a position. But.. did they think in a way if they deserve all those merits? If you are not doing anything, then what for?

If you are the head of a club, you will feel my thoughts. Try being in the shoes of a person who needs to chair a meeting. What does he or she feel when everybody are like talking-among-themselves? What must he or she do to make them responsible and have good attitudes? It's tiring to email out to people and nobody acknowledges it. It's real sick till an extreme level. How I wish these people will learn in a tough manner.

Mm..

I'm the cause of bad rumors. I guess right from the start, I ought to follow the VP's leadership. And instead, I spoke ill about him. I was a faker, then. But, now I wana make the whole club alive again. Now, we're luckier in a sense. There are more ACTIVE members, compared to last time. We are safer. But, it's also a bit disappointing. I give people chance to lead. Yet, they still wana choose this and that. For example, I let you in charge of manpower. Yet, you told me you wana help put in the food team. It's like so-out-of-question.

It's perfectly alright for friends to stick in a click. After all, if one leave, then everybody else in the crowd will also follow suit. It's natural, I mean. But, let's be sensible a bit and THINK THINK THINK. You guys and girls can't be so selfish. You must also spare a thought for others. I'm seriouslt sick and tired and sad and whatever la. Life is dumb. having these people around in these behaviours make me feel sillier.

Anyway, all the above are just merely - random thoughs. I'm venting out all. No hard feelings. No ill intentions. Please don't get the wrong ideas.

Yesterday, Yana told me D say that my enviro-day booths are stuipd. In a way, 2 more other pointed out that ERS is a stupid club. Haha. Honestly, I don't feel anything. Maybe cos they don't mean anything to me. That's why I feel nothing. That's their mouths. I can't control their thoughts, too. Oh well.. it's bad for passer-bys to criticise us saying WHAT KINDA club is ERS? Some were like DIAO, NP also got such environmental groups de ar? Others were either sniggering or laughing out loud when they strolled past.

ONE word - childish. LOL.

Some actions are meant to be kept away. Some words are meant to be kept silence, too. Oh well.. it's ok. What for if I hit all these back onto me? I'll only make myself more kuku and cocked up inside out. Hehs. Thus, I'm not bothered. I'm just staying put and continue what I wana do, still. DUMB DUMB.

I look forward to more beautiful, awesome workign chances with the upcoming main committee. Even if I'm done with ERS, at least I will still continue with my environmental external awareness. I will still be a Green Volunteer, always.

I know what I'm doing. I have said what I wanted. Now.. I really feel much, much better. It's great to have people listen to what you said. At least, they know you see. These days, I;m serving a term with people whom I never know I will be close to. A very grateful bow from me to them. A levels is over. Uni exams also over. But, poly common tests are coming soon.

That's a sad fact.

I wana go
- kiteflying
- sakae sushi
- swimming
- wake boarding
- diving
- hikinh & cycling & jogging
- seoul garden
- kfc
- meet my a levels friends
- go movies
- travel around the world
- GRADUATE wiyth fltying colours

( : ( : ( :

I think I’m always the causes for many misunderstandings.

Mm..

Mm..

Mm..

After a few days of pondering, I have sorted out my thoughts; in a sense. I was born to think perfectly. In my life, I always expect people to do things according to my standards. If I say it’s nice, then it will be nice. If not, it will be just yet, another typical – bullshit.

Many times, I assume things in a totally different perspective. My angles differ from the rest, mainly the crowds of clicks. I don’t like to do things with a group. I prefer to be alone; and I don’t mind. I don’t want to use and have something which is common. I go for the rare species.

So.. what have I learnt all these years? What have I done to achieve the ultimate satisfaction in my life? Am I on the right path, after all?

One word – LOL.

Life is always never easy. Relationships are hard to capture. Feelings are teams of formations. One has to get what he or she mean. If not, you will suffer at the fate in your very own hands. Those stains will never be erased off. You will be haunted forever and ever and ever. Falling down can be hurting at times, too. You will never know.

Finally, Enviro-day’s over. Over all, to me, it has been a success. At least, more people have learnt and heard of us. That’s great, isn’t it? CCA is just add-on anyway. I’m just satisfied that I have done my part. Fair and square. Suddenly, I realised that I seem to be the one who brought bad influential to the vice president’s reputation. Did I speak ill of him? I felt bad, all these while. He can be nice, too. Oh well..

The class has been like before, I guess. But, I really really regret coming to a polytechnic. I hate some of the attitudes of the people here. To me, they have no sense of shame at all. They are ill-mannered and have no courtesy. That shows how “well” their up-bringing are. I have been teased as a victim by several of these stranger clicks. And.. I don’t know know them. It’s like a group of boys or girls will just shout at you when you walked past them. I have no idea why they are laughing, giggling or pinpointing at me.

Know what?

Human beings are just lame creatures. All are trying to be funny.

I will be a more honest and positive person. Times have indeed, change. My self-esteem is still growing up. I can still be unsure of myself too, be it anything. I will work harder. It was nice talking to people whom you never thought you will. It was awesome to hang out with people whom you never thought you will. That’s what I feel, now.

It has been quite some whiles since I last saw my ninjado gang. The performance date is drawing nearer too. Here’s 3 cheers for them. YEA.. YEA.. YEA.. I know they can make it. ( : ( : ( :

Finally, it’s over! It’s really over for the A levels’ kids. Hip hip hurray! Also, for the NTU people. Now.. I can get to meet up with some of my really old, old friends. I never see them for nearly 2 years or many months. HAHAHA. But, now my common test weeks are coming soon, too. May all the rest strive hard for their papers. JIA YOU! Especially Alvin, Mui, Jojo, Dean, Linda, Fuxian and Gracie!

It’s also wonderful to get to know some other people. Like Xp, Huimin, Nadz & gang, Angelina, You Xin, GXO, etc. Woohoo!

Honestly, I miss Han Sheng a lot. Now, I’m like alone without my mentor. Haha. I also miss Hua & Long. I never see them ages back. Wa.. Yup, that’s all folks.

Maybe it’s really time for me to reflect on myself. I ought to do some soul-searching. If I have a chance to start all over again, I will just keep things to myself, only. All I can say is – sorry.

*P.s. FLORA LADY. Buck up! JOYYCEE is always with you. SMILES. Don’t give up hopes. ALL the best. I know you’ll be happy like before. Take care!

I swear I’m completely clueless now.

I just deleted everything I typed half an hour ago. One click – and they’re all gone, forever. But, will life ever be like this?

I’m not happy at all. To be exact, my point of happiness died when I was 9 years old. From then on, everything became so fake. All along, nobody was true. Everything were just merely - lies. I realised that however hard I tried, it’s still useless. I couldn’t feel the reaching hands of sincerity. There is no purpose, at all.

Never.

I never spent my last 9 years properly. Life is not as satisfied ads I thought. People made up stories to build those walls of façade. So, what have I been doing so far? Honestly, there’s nothing much to say. Life is always just like this, isn’t it?

But, these days I really felt extremely out-of-place. This is the first time I’m feeling so disappointed in everything. Everyday was a detestable chore for me. I’m really very tired. Why are people so disgustingly fake? I felt disappointed. I’m wondering where I came from. I’m beginning to doubt everything, right from the start?

What if one day your mother told you that you are actually an orphan?

Can you believe that? I can.

Today, now, this very moment, I’m really breaking down. I’m really losing my way in life. Why can’t I just be freaking happy? Why? I really need to take a long break. I really feel terrible. But, why?

Those darkest years. They are still there. Now, they are still coming after me. Why can’t they just let me off for goodness sake? I’m really scared and frightened now. What have I done to deserve all these? What did I do? Can somebody please kindly tell me?

Please – stop torturing me.

I really had enough. It’s humiliating to be criticised. It’s tormenting to be on the running tracks at all time. It’s hurting to have all your friends leaving you overnight. It’s really saddening to lose your status, suddenly. It’s really painful to have your boyfriend die on you, one day. It’s really burdened to be shower with all responsibilities. It’s tiring to suffer fates you don’t deserve. It’s unfair to me. All along, it has never changed.

If only I could cut my wrists now..

I tried to help myself, by thinking of more positive things. Those happier memories I have had before, kept me alive somehow. Aha. Why do I always get defeated whenever I'm really for other, new challenges? Why are people so mean and cruel?

Ok.

Well, I believe I can't stop some people from doing what they want to do. That's alright. I'm absolutely fine with it all. But, why? I need an answer to unlock that question. Yet, I felt coldness, all the time. All my souls seemed to be growing in pain, from head to toe. Right from the beginning, I never ask for anything much. But, why?

Once again, why?

I'm badly beaten up, now. I can't be a better being. So what, if love is all around? Do I get to feel it? Can I deserve it? Sometimes, life is like a clueless pit. I'm really getting older. I can't remember what I want. I can't figure what I need for the past seconds. Oh oh oh..

I really thought that everything was over. The good will always win the bad. ALWAYS. But, why not for this time? I had enough. I'm really dying. I can't bear to face anymore disclaimings. What I think was good, was bad, after all.

Give me a little bit more time.

I'm still not ready yet. I'm unprepared.

Shh..

The maddening crowd.

Sometimes, I just can’t help it by feel irritated. I thought everything was alright. It’s sick to find something you thought was settled, to be in a mess when you wake up the next morning. You get what I mean? Oh..

Why is everything so tiring? Why are people always getting on each other’s nerve? Why is there no peace, at all?

Moo..

These days, things are really getting busier. I have no time for some old friends and my family. Oh well.. I’m not working, too. Guess my position’s up for sale, again. Maybe I will need to start all over, again.

Over all, it’s just kind of saddening to drag myself to school, everyday. I feel like crying. However so, it will not make any difference, I suppose. Perhaps it really makes one feel better to murder people you don’t like with your own bare hands. It’s interesting, huh? Ain’t it? I wanna make people suffer. I love seeing them being tortured.

Woo..

Cool. I’m a pervert. I enjoy seeing those expressions on their faces. I wanna destroy all their happiness. I want to be the ultimate Queen. I want to make them bleed to death. I simple adore the pain and miseries they faced. Come on, pour them man. Oh..

What’s wrong with feeling good? What’s up with their looks? Pathetic images can be easily forgotten. Pretty is just an imaginary paper. Don’t make me tear them into pieces in front of you. I will and I dare. Don’t make me do what I never think I will do. Please watch out for good shows.

Last but not least, I will still blow kisses to those losers. Here here here. There you go. May the gates of h*ll be in your heart. You rocks my patience. Sure do. I really, really, really wanna bless you so so much.

DEAD people. How dull. ( :

Why does grumbly_mon feel like this, now? Somehow, the drift is opening up. The expose is simply to much to endure. Let alone, to see.. did she lose hope? All she wants and yearns to, is to get back to the past. Those happier memories in her life. She wants to be with them. She loves those smiles and laughters they had back, then.

Is this too much to ask for?

Is he changing? Why is he so indifferent now? Or, did she think too much again? Honestly, no comments. That poser isn't the same old poser. She still joked like a faker to him. But, is he really still the poser like before?

Maybe he don't get it. But, it's ok. As long as grumbly_mon gets it, it's alright. She is not blaming him or anyone. She is just grumbling like before. She misses him. He misses another him. Oh..

Woohoo!!!~

Time for quick update again. No.. i mean uploading my incidents of events AGAIN. Phew.. shaking head*

31 October: Farewell steamboat with Hansheng, EE gang & Noodle @ Marina Bay.

1 November: CANS discussion with Nadz, Huimin & Xp.

2 November: GLMT (cheating) lab test. LOL. -.-

3 November: WOKE UP @ 5pm! Went to send Hansheng OFF @ Changi airport. FLORA lady coming back from Hainan Island. YEAH. ( :

4 November: Brought materials for competition. Went to RP to put stuffs.

5 November: CAN competition. Lost, though.

6-7 November: E-learning no school. Did report with Noodle when she came my house. Played badminton with Mui, Flora & Linda. HAHA! WE WON = FLORA & JOYCCEE. Strummed guitars & played with babies. ( :

8 November: Gonna return ALL library books & pay the fines. -.-

I'm not sure if I'm working this week or not. But, tomorrow's a Wednesday and I'm meeting Miss Linda and Mr Ah-xian again. LOL. Hope he's recovering FAST and fast. Oh.. Xp, Nadz and Jiapei birthdays coming SOON, I know. ( :

Eddy's one also! ( : ( : ( :

Oh man.. it will be December in no time. Wa somehow, this year is FAST! Then, what come next? Jinzhou Sir's wedding. Grace, LAO-GE, Beesim, Huimin and Jingying's birthdays, according to the schedule book on my lap, right now. By this time, A-levels birds will be all around, slacking man. How cool sia. OH NO. GROAN..

NP ECO CAMP '06.

SIMPLE GREEN TREK '07.

WA.. getting 'interesting' man. How I miss the olden days. I feel like going back to the past just like one innocent child with no worries at all. I regret bidding goodbyes then. After all, there is not turning back in life. Time awaits nobody. HOW SAD!

OH..

All the best! JOOYYCEE HATES YOU. LOL. ( :

I just got home. Today we had the CAN competition at Republic Polytechnic. And guess what? We lost.. woohoo!

WE REALLY LOST. AND IT’S NO JOKE.

WE REALLY, REALLY LOST.

Initially, I thought TlnK stood a high chance of winning. We were the best. Creativity, beauty, you name we got it. Personally, I don’t think we deserve to lose. We should win, in the first place.

The worst was.. we got nothing, not even consolation prizes. And.. it’s really what-the-hell? Can you believe it? Nothing? It’s really nothing at all. I feel like a fool, a pile of shit.

After all, these periods of time of efforts all went down into the drains. I’m not angry. It’s just that I’m feeling dignified. It’s freaking unfair, let me tell you this. seriously, I think that today competition’s judges are not being truthful. They seem biased. So what if NP has 3 teams in today’s event? Is it wrong? You can’t just judge a team by the number of entries sent by a school? Right?

That’s really NOT FAIR at all. FREAKING UNFAIR!

Xuping says that we used paint, that’s why our artifact isn’t original at all. But, I beg to differ though. I think ours is perfectly alright. OURS is nice and pretty, ok? OK?

Clean & Green week so what? I don’t give a damn. NOTHING! Is it wrong to let us win? We have nothing. We wasted time, energy, resources and money. And, what did we get in the end? Nothing. Woohoo!!!~

That sounds great, huh? Woohoo!!!~

Assuming I’m selfish.. I think it’s unfair for Hanjie and Jackson’s team to win, especially Hanjie’s. They came in consolation and third, respectively. If I didn’t force GXO to come, they wouldn’t be at the event today. Maybe we might still stand a chance for consolation. If GXO didn’t come, TlnK wouldn’t need to borrow them cans. We still lent them other stationary materials. Same goes to Jackson. It’s just FEAKING UNFAIR!!!~

Sometimes, it doesn’t pay to be kind. And.. they didn’t even thank TlnK after they won. Perhaps we shouldn’t be so nice in the first place. This is the first time I felt so disappointed in my whole, whole life. I thought we could win, you know. We were so far, yet so far. FREAKING SAD!!!~

I really have nothing to say. All I know is to cry and cry and cry. Now, what comes next? Bring it on man!!!~ I’ll have to face that Ms Maga and Weitai. That’s the worst. Damn it.

5 NOVEMBER 2006. I WILL REMEMBER THIS DAY FOR LIFE. FOREVER I TELL MYSELF. NEVER EVER WILL I FORGET.

Today is the most unforgettable day I have ever had in my polytechnic life. I will not forget how I lost. How TlnK lost to secondary schools, GXO, Jackson’s team and that DREADFUL REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC team. What’s up with their freaking elephant? I catch no ball and see no link. FREAKING SHIT!

Is there still school tomorrow?

Oh my lord. I’m FREAKING FREAKING dead now.

All I can say is REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE!

This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.

PERHAPS I WILL GET INTO ANOTHER COMPETITION SOON. BUT THINK AGAIN, MAYBE NOT. WHO KNOWS? PROVIDED THERE IS NO BIASENESS.

FREAKING BASTARDS.

WOOHOO!!!~

I vowed. I vowed. I really vowed to make the printer well again.

It's really getting on my nerves, I swear. My patience is running short. I feel like murdering people now.

Oh my.

DAMN IT!