smallminded;

I would be lying if I say I'm happy now.
I'm not, not at all.

I would be lying if I say I don't miss or think of him.
But, why?

I would be lying if I say I enjoy school.
I'm dragging my steps daily to the place of pretence.

I would be lying if I say I like all of my friends.
I really don't know who are the true ones.

I would be lying if I say I'm not lost.
In fact, I'm very.

I would be lying if I say I enjoy training.
Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing.

I would be lying if I say I can be alone.
I mean I can prefer to be alone, only.

I would be lying if everything is going on well.
It's really not.

I would be lying if I want to rope into the next main committee.
In fact, I wana quit and disappear now.

In my life right now, there are really really a lot of lies.
I'm packed with imaginary promises from all over.
I feel like an ugly girl.
I hate myself to be such a country pumpkin.

If I were to live life all over again, I wonder how will that be?

I hate LimXueYanJoyce.
She gave me a false reality. She made me hate the world.

You used to be my best friend..

But, why?

I have lost count the number of times I cried for you. You made my heart bleed dry.

I wish that I was somebody else.

Sometimes, it's really perfect to lose your memory.

In life, there are a few things which can never be erased off from our mind. Be it one, two days or three, four years. From the very moment the day the memory is being stored inside your mind, it will forever be there. Cos it's embedded and craved deep inside your heart.

You can never erase it off. Never..

And, the truth is that, I didn’t manage too.

How I hope one day I will really lose my memory along with yours. Given a chance if I were to live life all over again, I will never ever want to meet you.

Certain things hurt and haunt you eternally. Mind that.

Cos I’m a girl.

Yesterday had been a most scary day for me.

Somehow, I almost died. Luckily, I survived. Honestly, I'm kinda surprised that there are many people who care for me. It's just that everything happened too fast. Maybe I wasn't really ready for anything. Or, perhaps I'm just too weak in health..

These few days, I have been coughing like mad. Adding that my eyes kept tearing for nothing, even though I have no flu. Life has been bad for me. It's really terrible to be sick. To me, it's as if I'm lying on a bed of broken glasses. That feeling hurts. I hate that, simply.

If I'm not wrong, I was still coughing continuously and went to toilet shortly after ERS meeting at clubhouse. On my way back, I felt my legs go jelly. Initially, I thought it was nothing. Then, I went inside clubhouse again. Suddenly, I felt cold and the noise levels gradually rose till I felt giddy. That's why I went outside clubhouse and coughed.

It was then.. I literally felt both of my legs numb. I couldn't move and tried to sit against the wall. Then, both of my hands also went numb. I felt pain all over and was really having difficulty in breathing. At that instant, my heart stopped and I felt real, real scared. I wanted to cry. I really felt helpless.

Then, Jane and Angelina (as far as I remember) came outside to me and ask if I was ok. I said I wasn't and asked 1 of them to help me get an inhaler from Christopher Choo. Unfortunately, Choo didn't bring it yesterday. And, I was like dying. I thought I had an asthma attack. And, it's like AGAIN if Jin Quan and the rest hear it. Lol..

People start crowding around and I keep hearing, "Are you okay?".. "Hey, what happened?"..

But, I can't even open my eyes, let alone see what's happening. I just felt giddy and weak and difficulty in breathing with those numbness all over. Some first aiders came and attended to me. I'm thankful even though I don't even know them. They tried to lay me flat on the ground and massaged my numb areas for me. In the meantime, I kept hearing voices from everywhere and felt really dizzy and wanted to vomit. After a while of struggle, I was feeling better. People made me sit on a chair and talked nicely to me. A girl in front of me asked me not to panic and breathe along with her. Soon, I felt my airway was more open and I was really feeling better. All the numbness disappeared gradually, too.

However so, I was kinda giddy and too lost for anything. It was then I saw 2 or 3 blue man approaching. I thought they were police cos it was too dark for me to see clearly. Actually, they turned up to be 995 paramedics. I'm surprised an ambulance was called. Seems like everything looked far too serious. Then, they "spot-checked" to see if I was feeling alright. Then, they also asked to go with them to the hospital for a thorough check-up. I was feeling scared cos I hate that place. It reminds me of injections and my childhood. I grew up, having countless diffculties-in-breathing encounters..

In the end, I signed a form which proves that I declined to go to hospital with them and off they went. It was then I felt blur. It's like where was I, who am I, etc. Suddenly, I really couldn't remember anything. My brain seems to stop functioning for a while.

I actually couldn't remember what was my name. I just know that I'm called Joyce but I forgot where I live and all my other personal particulars. I tried recalling but in avail. Then, I saw weird faces around me. I felt even more scared as well as puzzled. It's like who-are-they and what-are-they-doing-around-me..

I saw Jane, Han Sheng, etc. I knew who they were. But, I just forgot their names too. It's so fair you couldn't remember someone who looked yet, so familar to you. That's how I felt, then. I'm kinda giddy and felt my whole going lighter. Everything looked so blur to me. I wanted to go home seriously. I need my mother..

After quite sometime, then I realised who these people were and what were their names. And, according to them, I suddenly seem to have a temporary head memory loss. In serious term, this means "temporarily head concussion" even though I didn't hit my head onto anything.. After that, my mama and ah ma came and fetched me. And, I went home and they took me to see a doctor.

Doctor Yap was nice. He said I had just been through a high tension something something. Blah blah blah.. So, after all along, I didn't have asthma attacks. It's just an anxiety disorder. These factor below trigger my condition.
- Fear
- Anger
- Agitation

Guess it's really time for me to relax. If not, thing will get out of hand someday and I can't turn back. Now, I just hope everything will be healthier and happier for me everyday.

Goodnights.

Why do people like to make fun of each other? Why are some people so ridiculous? Why are humans so funny? Why do some people like to joke about others? How do they feel if people pay them back one by one?

I think this is quite true. Mmm.. i chose AY - my Enneagram type is EIGHT.

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me
- Stand up for yourself... and me.
- Be confident, strong, and direct.
- Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
- Give me space to be alone.
- Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
- When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight
- Being independent and self-reliant
- Being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- Being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- Getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- Supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- Upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
- Overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
- Being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- Sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- Never forgetting injuries or injustices
- Putting too much pressure on myself
- Getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
- Are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- Are sometimes loners
- Seize control so they won't be controlled
- Figure out others' weaknesses
- Attack verbally or physically when provoked
- Take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
- Are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- Are sometimes overprotective
- Can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Sometimes, never take a test which cannot be taken lightly, too lightly. Nevertheless, it suits me all rounded. Quiet convincing, though. What about you? ( :

I guess the only way out for me now, is to work and work and work. And.. i'm still working. Oh yea. Sometimes, it's really better to stay clear of certain things and people. Mm.. i'm not used to my old self, anymore. It gets on my nerves to hear those sighs all over and over again. Oh man. Life can be a chore given in my shoes. Oh oh oh. The best cure is to start life anew and get rid of all the non-existance fairy tales anbd wanna-be bombarding ties. Let's get started with this newly designed, pony-alike and rising reins of style. 3 claps to thee. 4 foot to them. 5 slaps to escape.

It's really sickening to find those whom you think you care to don't give a simple freakign damn about you. It's also tiring to see those things that you often dream, hope, desire that they will never ever come true, to be fulfilled right in front of your eyes. Often, life is misleading. Words and promises are chunks of lies and they come in the form of - packs. Mmm.. Mmm.. Mmm.. How tragic can life ever be? How wonderful can happiness be defined as? How sweet would I be after landing in hot soup? It's foolish to think of ending your beautiful life, indeed. But, it pays thrice or even more to live on and enjoy the thorns and cuts endorsed by this forking dull-picked-up span. It costs a lifetime. It makes a difference. It knows how to curb and disappear.

I have done my sums for my savings. It's really important for me to know when is the right time and hour and space and venue and place. And.. this sets me thinking how are my results and how the rest of the people are doing right now. That day, Jo had managed to hit on most of my nails. Should I say that only smart people know how to do that? Oh oh oh.. say, I hasn't been treated as a fool by them. My tone hasn't been right after all these while. My attitude seriously needs ammendments with tons and lots of what-the-so-called things are.I merely wanted to explain but I was questioned till speechless. But nah, it's ok. At least, now I know what's wrong with the most perfect me. I have lost my rights and flaws. It's impossible for one to stay high uo all the time. A Queen can fail herself, too. Now that all has been turned over, I needa try all means to win my status back. So.. am I on the right path to say this now? Whatever, I just want a wakening splash of paint from head to toe. I seem to lose myself, forever. I can't simply recognised the circumstances, now. I'm just not yet game over, though I'm falling deeper and further and sinking till the unreachable end. My energy are almost gone. I can't see or breathe.

I have to admit that I'm luckier. At least, I have a few bunch of tiny pin pin here and there. The way I am and the personality-cum-characteristics are fully condemned. I have an identity to them. They know that this is me. Oh yea.. yet, I don't think I can trust anyone even myself. All along, I think I'm the almighty daughter of the Lord. I'm infalliable. I'm the ultimate trend-setting-starter. Everybody likes to move and adapt to the manner I'm in. I'm shameless and fully aware of. Nevertheless, I can't seem to put a fullstop to this neverending era. I'm control myself and give a few pats on my back. I try to be nice and I really think I'm a nice girl, lady or person. But, I think nobody gives a damn. I've failed in enrolling myself as a good sister. No matter what I do, I'm always wrong and grouped under that irritating-brat-grumbly-shit to them. I have really wnated to share my sincere love and extend my true self to them. But, they rejected me. They said that they hated me. But, why? At least, give me a brief reason why. I really wanna be a better sister, that's all and I didn't ask for more. But, I'm yet denied of this opportunity. I hate maple production. They corrupted youths' minds and broke down their thinkings into a sytematic programming brook. I swear under my RRR name. I had enough, hadn't I? I had been thrown into the dungeon, again. Just because I'm their sister, I'm obligned to do everything for them? I wanna give out the longest, faster, smelliest, funckiest big big fark to them to them to them. I wanna get away from the pretendence of horrors. I'm scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scaredand scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared..

Rainy seasons are meant to dictate my hearfelt beats. I only look forward to the next outing with the rest. It's time for me to pick up myself from the drains of sorrows. I had to be strong. Money and studies and friends, and 'family', are far more more more important.

"Boy.. all the best. Those 2 years of happy memories can be enough to erase my 5 years of pains and hurt. But, you destroyed them. Nevertheless, I had greater dreams to send me off. You have a girl, but I have boys. Some things are meant to be fated, but never mean to be. You gave me hope and distinguish them in a flame of mist. I hate and thank you for them. I believe there will be another person who will sing, write me poems, draw and tender me with everlasting, loving care. You are the first and last to do that. But, my new chapter commerces from now on. You've lost me, boy. I've won myself, on the other hand.."

He will never feel what I do. He will never know how I feel. Out of sudden, I felt like slapping myself. After all, I have had been such a fool.

For a very long time, indeed..

But, tears will never ever stop. 'Together Forever' is not meant for everybody. If you have had lost that opportunity in life, you will never get it back. Never. Never. Never.

I will no longer believe in you.