smallminded;

I'm a big liar

2007-01-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

I would be lying if I say I'm happy now.
I'm not, not at all.

I would be lying if I say I don't miss or think of him.
But, why?

I would be lying if I say I enjoy school.
I'm dragging my steps daily to the place of pretence.

I would be lying if I say I like all of my friends.
I really don't know who are the true ones.

I would be lying if I say I'm not lost.
In fact, I'm very.

I would be lying if I say I enjoy training.
Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing.

I would be lying if I say I can be alone.
I mean I can prefer to be alone, only.

I would be lying if everything is going on well.
It's really not.

I would be lying if I want to rope into the next main committee.
In fact, I wana quit and disappear now.

In my life right now, there are really really a lot of lies.
I'm packed with imaginary promises from all over.
I feel like an ugly girl.
I hate myself to be such a country pumpkin.

If I were to live life all over again, I wonder how will that be?

I hate LimXueYanJoyce.
She gave me a false reality. She made me hate the world.

Good friend

2007-01-23T09:34:00.000+08:00

You used to be my best friend..

But, why?

I have lost count the number of times I cried for you. You made my heart bleed dry.

I wish that I was somebody else.

The memory is still intact

2007-01-16T16:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's really perfect to lose your memory.

In life, there are a few things which can never be erased off from our mind. Be it one, two days or three, four years. From the very moment the day the memory is being stored inside your mind, it will forever be there. Cos it's embedded and craved deep inside your heart.

You can never erase it off. Never..

And, the truth is that, I didn’t manage too.

How I hope one day I will really lose my memory along with yours. Given a chance if I were to live life all over again, I will never ever want to meet you.

Certain things hurt and haunt you eternally. Mind that.

Cos I’m a girl.

A close shave

2007-01-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday had been a most scary day for me.

Somehow, I almost died. Luckily, I survived. Honestly, I'm kinda surprised that there are many people who care for me. It's just that everything happened too fast. Maybe I wasn't really ready for anything. Or, perhaps I'm just too weak in health..

These few days, I have been coughing like mad. Adding that my eyes kept tearing for nothing, even though I have no flu. Life has been bad for me. It's really terrible to be sick. To me, it's as if I'm lying on a bed of broken glasses. That feeling hurts. I hate that, simply.

If I'm not wrong, I was still coughing continuously and went to toilet shortly after ERS meeting at clubhouse. On my way back, I felt my legs go jelly. Initially, I thought it was nothing. Then, I went inside clubhouse again. Suddenly, I felt cold and the noise levels gradually rose till I felt giddy. That's why I went outside clubhouse and coughed.

It was then.. I literally felt both of my legs numb. I couldn't move and tried to sit against the wall. Then, both of my hands also went numb. I felt pain all over and was really having difficulty in breathing. At that instant, my heart stopped and I felt real, real scared. I wanted to cry. I really felt helpless.

Then, Jane and Angelina (as far as I remember) came outside to me and ask if I was ok. I said I wasn't and asked 1 of them to help me get an inhaler from Christopher Choo. Unfortunately, Choo didn't bring it yesterday. And, I was like dying. I thought I had an asthma attack. And, it's like AGAIN if Jin Quan and the rest hear it. Lol..

People start crowding around and I keep hearing, "Are you okay?".. "Hey, what happened?"..

But, I can't even open my eyes, let alone see what's happening. I just felt giddy and weak and difficulty in breathing with those numbness all over. Some first aiders came and attended to me. I'm thankful even though I don't even know them. They tried to lay me flat on the ground and massaged my numb areas for me. In the meantime, I kept hearing voices from everywhere and felt really dizzy and wanted to vomit. After a while of struggle, I was feeling better. People made me sit on a chair and talked nicely to me. A girl in front of me asked me not to panic and breathe along with her. Soon, I felt my airway was more open and I was really feeling better. All the numbness disappeared gradually, too.

However so, I was kinda giddy and too lost for anything. It was then I saw 2 or 3 blue man approaching. I thought they were police cos it was too dark for me to see clearly. Actually, they turned up to be 995 paramedics. I'm surprised an ambulance was called. Seems like everything looked far too serious. Then, they "spot-checked" to see if I was feeling alright. Then, they also asked to go with them to the hospital for a thorough check-up. I was feeling scared cos I hate that place. It reminds me of injections and my childhood. I grew up, having countless diffculties-in-breathing encounters..

In the end, I signed a form which proves that I declined to go to hospital with them and off they went. It was then I felt blur. It's like where was I, who am I, etc. Suddenly, I really couldn't remember anything. My brain seems to stop functioning for a while.

I actually couldn't remember what was my name. I just know that I'm called Joyce but I forgot where I live and all my other personal particulars. I tried recalling but in avail. Then, I saw weird faces around me. I felt even more scared as well as puzzled. It's like who-are-they and what-are-they-doing-around-me..

I saw Jane, Han Sheng, etc. I knew who they were. But, I just forgot their names too. It's so fair you couldn't remember someone who looked yet, so familar to you. That's how I felt, then. I'm kinda giddy and felt my whole going lighter. Everything looked so blur to me. I wanted to go home seriously. I need my mother..

After quite sometime, then I realised who these people were and what were their names. And, according to them, I suddenly seem to have a temporary head memory loss. In serious term, this means "temporarily head concussion" even though I didn't hit my head onto anything.. After that, my mama and ah ma came and fetched me. And, I went home and they took me to see a doctor.

Doctor Yap was nice. He said I had just been through a high tension something something. Blah blah blah.. So, after all along, I didn't have asthma attacks. It's just an anxiety disorder. These factor below trigger my condition.
- Fear
- Anger
- Agitation

Guess it's really time for me to relax. If not, thing will get out of hand someday and I can't turn back. Now, I just hope everything will be healthier and happier for me everyday.

Goodnights.

Why? Why? Why?

2006-12-24T21:05:00.000+08:00

Why do people like to make fun of each other? Why are some people so ridiculous? Why are humans so funny? Why do some people like to joke about others? How do they feel if people pay them back one by one?

I have no mood for those tricks. Work, itself, is enough. Furthermore, my house is in deep shreds now.

Goodbye.

the Asserter

2006-12-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

I think this is quite true. Mmm.. i chose AY - my Enneagram type is EIGHT.

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me
- Stand up for yourself... and me.
- Be confident, strong, and direct.
- Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
- Give me space to be alone.
- Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
- When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight
- Being independent and self-reliant
- Being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- Being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- Getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- Supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- Upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
- Overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
- Being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- Sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- Never forgetting injuries or injustices
- Putting too much pressure on myself
- Getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
- Are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- Are sometimes loners
- Seize control so they won't be controlled
- Figure out others' weaknesses
- Attack verbally or physically when provoked
- Take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
- Are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- Are sometimes overprotective
- Can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Sometimes, never take a test which cannot be taken lightly, too lightly. Nevertheless, it suits me all rounded. Quiet convincing, though. What about you? ( :

Fatal Goodbye

2006-12-18T14:39:00.000+08:00

I guess the only way out for me now, is to work and work and work. And.. i'm still working. Oh yea. Sometimes, it's really better to stay clear of certain things and people. Mm.. i'm not used to my old self, anymore. It gets on my nerves to hear those sighs all over and over again. Oh man. Life can be a chore given in my shoes. Oh oh oh. The best cure is to start life anew and get rid of all the non-existance fairy tales anbd wanna-be bombarding ties. Let's get started with this newly designed, pony-alike and rising reins of style. 3 claps to thee. 4 foot to them. 5 slaps to escape.

It's really sickening to find those whom you think you care to don't give a simple freakign damn about you. It's also tiring to see those things that you often dream, hope, desire that they will never ever come true, to be fulfilled right in front of your eyes. Often, life is misleading. Words and promises are chunks of lies and they come in the form of - packs. Mmm.. Mmm.. Mmm.. How tragic can life ever be? How wonderful can happiness be defined as? How sweet would I be after landing in hot soup? It's foolish to think of ending your beautiful life, indeed. But, it pays thrice or even more to live on and enjoy the thorns and cuts endorsed by this forking dull-picked-up span. It costs a lifetime. It makes a difference. It knows how to curb and disappear.

I have done my sums for my savings. It's really important for me to know when is the right time and hour and space and venue and place. And.. this sets me thinking how are my results and how the rest of the people are doing right now. That day, Jo had managed to hit on most of my nails. Should I say that only smart people know how to do that? Oh oh oh.. say, I hasn't been treated as a fool by them. My tone hasn't been right after all these while. My attitude seriously needs ammendments with tons and lots of what-the-so-called things are.I merely wanted to explain but I was questioned till speechless. But nah, it's ok. At least, now I know what's wrong with the most perfect me. I have lost my rights and flaws. It's impossible for one to stay high uo all the time. A Queen can fail herself, too. Now that all has been turned over, I needa try all means to win my status back. So.. am I on the right path to say this now? Whatever, I just want a wakening splash of paint from head to toe. I seem to lose myself, forever. I can't simply recognised the circumstances, now. I'm just not yet game over, though I'm falling deeper and further and sinking till the unreachable end. My energy are almost gone. I can't see or breathe.

I have to admit that I'm luckier. At least, I have a few bunch of tiny pin pin here and there. The way I am and the personality-cum-characteristics are fully condemned. I have an identity to them. They know that this is me. Oh yea.. yet, I don't think I can trust anyone even myself. All along, I think I'm the almighty daughter of the Lord. I'm infalliable. I'm the ultimate trend-setting-starter. Everybody likes to move and adapt to the manner I'm in. I'm shameless and fully aware of. Nevertheless, I can't seem to put a fullstop to this neverending era. I'm control myself and give a few pats on my back. I try to be nice and I really think I'm a nice girl, lady or person. But, I think nobody gives a damn. I've failed in enrolling myself as a good sister. No matter what I do, I'm always wrong and grouped under that irritating-brat-grumbly-shit to them. I have really wnated to share my sincere love and extend my true self to them. But, they rejected me. They said that they hated me. But, why? At least, give me a brief reason why. I really wanna be a better sister, that's all and I didn't ask for more. But, I'm yet denied of this opportunity. I hate maple production. They corrupted youths' minds and broke down their thinkings into a sytematic programming brook. I swear under my RRR name. I had enough, hadn't I? I had been thrown into the dungeon, again. Just because I'm their sister, I'm obligned to do everything for them? I wanna give out the longest, faster, smelliest, funckiest big big fark to them to them to them. I wanna get away from the pretendence of horrors. I'm scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scaredand scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared and scared..

Rainy seasons are meant to dictate my hearfelt beats. I only look forward to the next outing with the rest. It's time for me to pick up myself from the drains of sorrows. I had to be strong. Money and studies and friends, and 'family', are far more more more important.

"Boy.. all the best. Those 2 years of happy memories can be enough to erase my 5 years of pains and hurt. But, you destroyed them. Nevertheless, I had greater dreams to send me off. You have a girl, but I have boys. Some things are meant to be fated, but never mean to be. You gave me hope and distinguish them in a flame of mist. I hate and thank you for them. I believe there will be another person who will sing, write me poems, draw and tender me with everlasting, loving care. You are the first and last to do that. But, my new chapter commerces from now on. You've lost me, boy. I've won myself, on the other hand.."

What a fool!

2006-12-14T14:17:00.000+08:00

He will never feel what I do. He will never know how I feel. Out of sudden, I felt like slapping myself. After all, I have had been such a fool.

For a very long time, indeed..

But, tears will never ever stop. 'Together Forever' is not meant for everybody. If you have had lost that opportunity in life, you will never get it back. Never. Never. Never.

I will no longer believe in you.

What I feel

2006-12-05T20:21:00.000+08:00

Oh well. I just scanned through the minutes of meeting on 4 December. Somehow, it gave me some ideas to say certain issues, too. Mm.. Mm.. Mm..

Comments are always acceptable. They can help oragnisers to improvise on their events. They are the ultimate keys to improvements. Hence, why not? ( :

But, on the other hand. comments also set me thinking. It's a norm to have people saying the whole run of camp, for example, was in a mess. Others include disorganised camp crew, without smooth flow of programme, wastages of time, lousy food, boring sessions, lame common games like wacko and rag and bone, etc.. It's perfectly alright.

BUT.. Would they have said that if they were the ones running the whole camp or event? How would they feel when only 34 people turned up if more than 50 plus people signed up, initially? Do they know that even if the camp was not a good one, there are also lots of administrative work to be done? Why are students just so cca-orientated? Actually, all I wanted to say is WHAT DO THEY ACTUALLY KNOW?

Haha. I'm not angry. I'm just having sore-ears with the comments that I hear, and, sore-eyes with the comments I see. Lol. To me, I don't give a damn. Cos.. As long as there are events running continuously throughout the semester, it will just be - ok. I just don't want to see pauses here and there. Even if the events are small-scaled, I don't mind. I'm not ambitious like those previous and current 'aspiring' bunch of CCA mates. I just want simple green events going on. Unlike others, I never yearn and desire to win and score for the Green Bayer award. Or any other Young Environmentalist-cum-Envoy. Nope..

I just want to experience the nature.

I prefer the quietness and limpness of the silence. However so, I guess maybe that's impossible right now, already. The objectives are long expired, ages back. Everything's not the same anymore. Oh well. Oh man. Oh whatever. Life is tiring if we have too many commitments. What we need is passion and love for the things that we like and want to do. That's more important. To me, I have yet found the right answer, now.

I'm trying hard, though.

In conclusion: Comments do matter. But, if you think and feel that they don't, then don't give a damn. Yea.. That's the way man. Woohoo!!! Life should be relaxing and happy. Don't bother too much for the everlasting routes. Know your stand, and, you shall be firm in life.

Cheers. ( : ( : ( :

A deep way through

2006-12-05T08:25:00.000+08:00

Just as I was feeling down..

Something like miracles happened. Actually, friends do mm.. play an important role in our daily lives. There are ups and downs for everybody. But, we definitely need 'moral' support from others. I didn't know that I was quite fortunate, indeed.

First, my boss, Han Sheng, sent me this from China. Currently, he's over there doing attachment. I'm glad I joined ERS and to get to know this lame president of the club. LOL. He's a nice buddy to cherish. ( :

Next, I finally met up with Mr Gerry. It has been ages I guess since the last time I ever saw him. He's still like before, and, he's done with A levels. NS is the next stage for him, bah. Bleahx.. Anyway, he went to Australia. And, he got me this!!! Though it's not a tweety bird, but it's still cute and adorable. Yippy!!! Hurray. P.s. he even ask me to keep the carrier from Australia. Hehs. Eh.. -.0

Having a sumptuous dinner with Florence is also a blessing. It has always been nice to meet up and talk cock with her. Sometimes, I do have the impression and feeling that she is my long lost sister. Since young, I have always wanted a sister, be it older or younger. Mm.. I hope that everything will be ok. Florence, jia you!!! AND.. I wonder what's up with Joannie? I never see her for so so long, too. Anyway, she missed my camp. She never turn up on Saturday. Maybe she's busy studying ba. All the best. ( :

Yesterday have had been a great day. It was really fun playing badminton. I enjoyed myself with Linda, Fu Xian, Fu Xian's 'girlfriend' and Nurul. Mm.. Haha! I really missed Linda and Fu Xian, especially. Now, we don't get to lunch and see each other on every Thursday. It's like so-sad. Before they left, I gave them some of the grasshoppers. **Linda, if you are reading this, then good for you. I sincerely know that your mama will recover. Have faith. Jia you!!! Afte exams, I will go pay her a visit. Take care. ( :

NP Eco camp has been a fast event. Somehow, many people didn't turn up I suppose. They said they got makeup lectures, red camp, school events, work, study for common tests, etc. Some EVEN said that they forgot. Oh well.. I'm just happy that everything's over. I like the BEGV guys, just like Thomas & the gang. They influenced the camp's atmosphere and morale. 3 claps for them!!! It was tiring to find the 2 stopwatches Han Jie they all 'misplaced'. In the end, luckily, it was recovered. Phew.. I didn't turn up for monday's meeting. Oh no. But, I really got something on. Haha. ERS is still surviving. Time to go back to training with the Ninjado clicks. I really miss them badly ba. Oh man.. Anyway, this is the only picture I guess which is the best. I didn't take with any other people, except Xu Ping. Oh ya!!! My scandal BROKE. Hui Min, I never blame you la. I blame Huang Han Jie and Jia Sheng from BEGV. ( :

LAST but NOT least, I guess that's enough for the day. I'm tired. Later I need to study. So.. Ciao.

Till then. ( :

I just realised that

2006-12-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

I actually don't tell lies, but the truth.

Somehow.. I'm aloof, as described by people. Often, people assume and took it that I'm the sort of person whom they think I'm. Days are cruel, now. I have to face many, different stressful things. But.. It's common, and, normal. At least, I suppose so.

Every family has its own set of problems. The same applies here. Everybody has their own set of problems, too. There is nothing much we can do, except to share some concerns and shoulders for the sad to lean on. That's all, I guess..

These days, time passes even faster than I thought. All things took place in the blink of an eye. The exhibtion booths are over. The laboratories are ending soon. The e-learnings have ceased their existances long ago. The Little Guilin external trip was ages back. Now that the camp has just been over, I felt scared.

Cos.. Exams are approaching. This time round, it's really, deeply, greatly, extremely unfair. There are 5 core module papers. I hate situations like this. In addition to the club's admin stuffs, I can barely breathe. I need to rush our reports, submit money claims, request the CCA records forms, marketing for upcoming events and take note of the registered personnel for the simple green trek. If I don't meet the target by the dateline, I tell you, I surely have to face a big, big music. Life is so tragic to me.

I miss them. But, I hate the other 'them'. I'm just as weak as ever. I'm drinking sleepless nights to make myself more engrossed. I ain't really but do I have a choice? With my fingers crossing daily, right now, I sincerely hope that everybody will be happy and being given a chance. I pity the sharks' fate. But.. Is there anymore I can do?

I reckon this.

I know the world's still fair in some days. The good will triumph over the bad, someday, somehow. Let's just all work hard and play like a wild boar.

Thansk for everything. Goodbye.

It's tough being Joyce

2006-11-25T21:58:00.000+08:00

I think that being Joyce is not easy, at all.

Why do I say so?
Cos.. Lots of unfortunate events took place, gradually, continously, these few days.

In conclusion, LIFE IS SICK.

1. Especially when your laptop adaptor was pronounced 'dead' overnight. Moreover, your battery lifespan is left with remaining 5%. How stingy can life be? Oh my lord. Oh..

2. You came across a TWEETY BIRD sales, and, you can’t buy any. How miserable can life be? The various shapes, sizes and patterns are all engraved deep down inside my heart. And I guess, by the time I saved up to buy, the sales are long over, already.

3. Time is running out for me. I can’t have enough time to rest well. ERS is doing okay, but I’m really tired. I’m tired of doing all those publicity and marketing. They suck. Human Resource manager is the worst post one can ever get.

4. Class is getting normal. But, I feel weird. I wonder how must one feel to be good friends with my classmates. I’m beginning to mistrust the friendship I had have with her. What on hell is happening?

5. I haven’t seen the NJD gang for months. Maybe weeks? LOL. I missed Quan, Derrick & the rest, especially minced meat! Aha..

6. It has been ages since I last saw Mui. I really misses him badly. Of course, Jojo & Flora. Yes, Tuesday is coming and I get to meet her, too. I told Elf to get me the tweety birds, too. Haha. It has been nearly 2 years since we last saw, I guess. I can’t imagine how fast time flies, and, how long I didn’t get to see him.

I wanted to talk more, but time doesn’t permit. All I can say is that I don’t trust people that easily. Now that certain things have reached to their climax, I felt paronid and scared. I feel that people are horrifying. I have learnt my lessons in my heart. I can’t tell anybody, but I know what and how to fend for myself. I have a big heart.

Only – I can judge for myself; with the help of the magic hands of Flora Princess, Jojo Queen and Prince Mui Sama. Grumbly_mon, the goodness, will be happy forever and ever and ever, again. ( :

ERS

2006-11-20T11:30:00.000+08:00

I'm back to normal. Now.. i'm finally still alive and kicking -just like an ordinary human being. After all, time will brush through everything. When the limit's up, the cycle restarts all over and over again.

Oh well..

Mm, I'm just thinking of some trivial matters. Sometimes, people do get on your nerves, I guess. I'm not sure if I'm a straight-forward person or not. But.. i will still voice my opinions here, out. I will say some sensitive issues. But, it's just comments. I never mean to hit on anyone.

It gets pretty irritating when people keep asking how long the ERS meeting will be, etc. Thye ask this and that. They want to get more CCA points. They want to be in the main committee, with a position. But.. did they think in a way if they deserve all those merits? If you are not doing anything, then what for?

If you are the head of a club, you will feel my thoughts. Try being in the shoes of a person who needs to chair a meeting. What does he or she feel when everybody are like talking-among-themselves? What must he or she do to make them responsible and have good attitudes? It's tiring to email out to people and nobody acknowledges it. It's real sick till an extreme level. How I wish these people will learn in a tough manner.

Mm..

I'm the cause of bad rumors. I guess right from the start, I ought to follow the VP's leadership. And instead, I spoke ill about him. I was a faker, then. But, now I wana make the whole club alive again. Now, we're luckier in a sense. There are more ACTIVE members, compared to last time. We are safer. But, it's also a bit disappointing. I give people chance to lead. Yet, they still wana choose this and that. For example, I let you in charge of manpower. Yet, you told me you wana help put in the food team. It's like so-out-of-question.

It's perfectly alright for friends to stick in a click. After all, if one leave, then everybody else in the crowd will also follow suit. It's natural, I mean. But, let's be sensible a bit and THINK THINK THINK. You guys and girls can't be so selfish. You must also spare a thought for others. I'm seriouslt sick and tired and sad and whatever la. Life is dumb. having these people around in these behaviours make me feel sillier.

Anyway, all the above are just merely - random thoughs. I'm venting out all. No hard feelings. No ill intentions. Please don't get the wrong ideas.

Yesterday, Yana told me D say that my enviro-day booths are stuipd. In a way, 2 more other pointed out that ERS is a stupid club. Haha. Honestly, I don't feel anything. Maybe cos they don't mean anything to me. That's why I feel nothing. That's their mouths. I can't control their thoughts, too. Oh well.. it's bad for passer-bys to criticise us saying WHAT KINDA club is ERS? Some were like DIAO, NP also got such environmental groups de ar? Others were either sniggering or laughing out loud when they strolled past.

ONE word - childish. LOL.

Some actions are meant to be kept away. Some words are meant to be kept silence, too. Oh well.. it's ok. What for if I hit all these back onto me? I'll only make myself more kuku and cocked up inside out. Hehs. Thus, I'm not bothered. I'm just staying put and continue what I wana do, still. DUMB DUMB.

I look forward to more beautiful, awesome workign chances with the upcoming main committee. Even if I'm done with ERS, at least I will still continue with my environmental external awareness. I will still be a Green Volunteer, always.

I know what I'm doing. I have said what I wanted. Now.. I really feel much, much better. It's great to have people listen to what you said. At least, they know you see. These days, I;m serving a term with people whom I never know I will be close to. A very grateful bow from me to them. A levels is over. Uni exams also over. But, poly common tests are coming soon.

That's a sad fact.

I wana go
- kiteflying
- sakae sushi
- swimming
- wake boarding
- diving
- hikinh & cycling & jogging
- seoul garden
- kfc
- meet my a levels friends
- go movies
- travel around the world
- GRADUATE wiyth fltying colours

( : ( : ( :

Some reflections to face

2006-11-18T18:31:00.000+08:00

I think I’m always the causes for many misunderstandings.

Mm..

Mm..

Mm..

After a few days of pondering, I have sorted out my thoughts; in a sense. I was born to think perfectly. In my life, I always expect people to do things according to my standards. If I say it’s nice, then it will be nice. If not, it will be just yet, another typical – bullshit.

Many times, I assume things in a totally different perspective. My angles differ from the rest, mainly the crowds of clicks. I don’t like to do things with a group. I prefer to be alone; and I don’t mind. I don’t want to use and have something which is common. I go for the rare species.

So.. what have I learnt all these years? What have I done to achieve the ultimate satisfaction in my life? Am I on the right path, after all?

One word – LOL.

Life is always never easy. Relationships are hard to capture. Feelings are teams of formations. One has to get what he or she mean. If not, you will suffer at the fate in your very own hands. Those stains will never be erased off. You will be haunted forever and ever and ever. Falling down can be hurting at times, too. You will never know.

Finally, Enviro-day’s over. Over all, to me, it has been a success. At least, more people have learnt and heard of us. That’s great, isn’t it? CCA is just add-on anyway. I’m just satisfied that I have done my part. Fair and square. Suddenly, I realised that I seem to be the one who brought bad influential to the vice president’s reputation. Did I speak ill of him? I felt bad, all these while. He can be nice, too. Oh well..

The class has been like before, I guess. But, I really really regret coming to a polytechnic. I hate some of the attitudes of the people here. To me, they have no sense of shame at all. They are ill-mannered and have no courtesy. That shows how “well” their up-bringing are. I have been teased as a victim by several of these stranger clicks. And.. I don’t know know them. It’s like a group of boys or girls will just shout at you when you walked past them. I have no idea why they are laughing, giggling or pinpointing at me.

Know what?

Human beings are just lame creatures. All are trying to be funny.

I will be a more honest and positive person. Times have indeed, change. My self-esteem is still growing up. I can still be unsure of myself too, be it anything. I will work harder. It was nice talking to people whom you never thought you will. It was awesome to hang out with people whom you never thought you will. That’s what I feel, now.

It has been quite some whiles since I last saw my ninjado gang. The performance date is drawing nearer too. Here’s 3 cheers for them. YEA.. YEA.. YEA.. I know they can make it. ( : ( : ( :

Finally, it’s over! It’s really over for the A levels’ kids. Hip hip hurray! Also, for the NTU people. Now.. I can get to meet up with some of my really old, old friends. I never see them for nearly 2 years or many months. HAHAHA. But, now my common test weeks are coming soon, too. May all the rest strive hard for their papers. JIA YOU! Especially Alvin, Mui, Jojo, Dean, Linda, Fuxian and Gracie!

It’s also wonderful to get to know some other people. Like Xp, Huimin, Nadz & gang, Angelina, You Xin, GXO, etc. Woohoo!

Honestly, I miss Han Sheng a lot. Now, I’m like alone without my mentor. Haha. I also miss Hua & Long. I never see them ages back. Wa.. Yup, that’s all folks.

Maybe it’s really time for me to reflect on myself. I ought to do some soul-searching. If I have a chance to start all over again, I will just keep things to myself, only. All I can say is – sorry.

*P.s. FLORA LADY. Buck up! JOYYCEE is always with you. SMILES. Don’t give up hopes. ALL the best. I know you’ll be happy like before. Take care!

Life has let me down

2006-11-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

I swear I’m completely clueless now.

I just deleted everything I typed half an hour ago. One click – and they’re all gone, forever. But, will life ever be like this?

I’m not happy at all. To be exact, my point of happiness died when I was 9 years old. From then on, everything became so fake. All along, nobody was true. Everything were just merely - lies. I realised that however hard I tried, it’s still useless. I couldn’t feel the reaching hands of sincerity. There is no purpose, at all.

Never.

I never spent my last 9 years properly. Life is not as satisfied ads I thought. People made up stories to build those walls of façade. So, what have I been doing so far? Honestly, there’s nothing much to say. Life is always just like this, isn’t it?

But, these days I really felt extremely out-of-place. This is the first time I’m feeling so disappointed in everything. Everyday was a detestable chore for me. I’m really very tired. Why are people so disgustingly fake? I felt disappointed. I’m wondering where I came from. I’m beginning to doubt everything, right from the start?

What if one day your mother told you that you are actually an orphan?

Can you believe that? I can.

Today, now, this very moment, I’m really breaking down. I’m really losing my way in life. Why can’t I just be freaking happy? Why? I really need to take a long break. I really feel terrible. But, why?

Those darkest years. They are still there. Now, they are still coming after me. Why can’t they just let me off for goodness sake? I’m really scared and frightened now. What have I done to deserve all these? What did I do? Can somebody please kindly tell me?

Please – stop torturing me.

I really had enough. It’s humiliating to be criticised. It’s tormenting to be on the running tracks at all time. It’s hurting to have all your friends leaving you overnight. It’s really saddening to lose your status, suddenly. It’s really painful to have your boyfriend die on you, one day. It’s really burdened to be shower with all responsibilities. It’s tiring to suffer fates you don’t deserve. It’s unfair to me. All along, it has never changed.

If only I could cut my wrists now..

All the things I said

2006-11-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

I tried to help myself, by thinking of more positive things. Those happier memories I have had before, kept me alive somehow. Aha. Why do I always get defeated whenever I'm really for other, new challenges? Why are people so mean and cruel?

Ok.

Well, I believe I can't stop some people from doing what they want to do. That's alright. I'm absolutely fine with it all. But, why? I need an answer to unlock that question. Yet, I felt coldness, all the time. All my souls seemed to be growing in pain, from head to toe. Right from the beginning, I never ask for anything much. But, why?

Once again, why?

I'm badly beaten up, now. I can't be a better being. So what, if love is all around? Do I get to feel it? Can I deserve it? Sometimes, life is like a clueless pit. I'm really getting older. I can't remember what I want. I can't figure what I need for the past seconds. Oh oh oh..

I really thought that everything was over. The good will always win the bad. ALWAYS. But, why not for this time? I had enough. I'm really dying. I can't bear to face anymore disclaimings. What I think was good, was bad, after all.

Give me a little bit more time.

I'm still not ready yet. I'm unprepared.

Shh..

Lick my ears

2006-11-11T11:23:00.000+08:00

The maddening crowd.

Sometimes, I just can’t help it by feel irritated. I thought everything was alright. It’s sick to find something you thought was settled, to be in a mess when you wake up the next morning. You get what I mean? Oh..

Why is everything so tiring? Why are people always getting on each other’s nerve? Why is there no peace, at all?

Moo..

These days, things are really getting busier. I have no time for some old friends and my family. Oh well.. I’m not working, too. Guess my position’s up for sale, again. Maybe I will need to start all over, again.

Over all, it’s just kind of saddening to drag myself to school, everyday. I feel like crying. However so, it will not make any difference, I suppose. Perhaps it really makes one feel better to murder people you don’t like with your own bare hands. It’s interesting, huh? Ain’t it? I wanna make people suffer. I love seeing them being tortured.

Woo..

Cool. I’m a pervert. I enjoy seeing those expressions on their faces. I wanna destroy all their happiness. I want to be the ultimate Queen. I want to make them bleed to death. I simple adore the pain and miseries they faced. Come on, pour them man. Oh..

What’s wrong with feeling good? What’s up with their looks? Pathetic images can be easily forgotten. Pretty is just an imaginary paper. Don’t make me tear them into pieces in front of you. I will and I dare. Don’t make me do what I never think I will do. Please watch out for good shows.

Last but not least, I will still blow kisses to those losers. Here here here. There you go. May the gates of h*ll be in your heart. You rocks my patience. Sure do. I really, really, really wanna bless you so so much.

DEAD people. How dull. ( :

Grumbly_mon & him

2006-11-08T05:58:00.000+08:00

Why does grumbly_mon feel like this, now? Somehow, the drift is opening up. The expose is simply to much to endure. Let alone, to see.. did she lose hope? All she wants and yearns to, is to get back to the past. Those happier memories in her life. She wants to be with them. She loves those smiles and laughters they had back, then.

Is this too much to ask for?

Is he changing? Why is he so indifferent now? Or, did she think too much again? Honestly, no comments. That poser isn't the same old poser. She still joked like a faker to him. But, is he really still the poser like before?

Maybe he don't get it. But, it's ok. As long as grumbly_mon gets it, it's alright. She is not blaming him or anyone. She is just grumbling like before. She misses him. He misses another him. Oh..

UPDATE update update

2006-11-07T21:36:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!!!~

Time for quick update again. No.. i mean uploading my incidents of events AGAIN. Phew.. shaking head*

31 October: Farewell steamboat with Hansheng, EE gang & Noodle @ Marina Bay.

1 November: CANS discussion with Nadz, Huimin & Xp.

2 November: GLMT (cheating) lab test. LOL. -.-

3 November: WOKE UP @ 5pm! Went to send Hansheng OFF @ Changi airport. FLORA lady coming back from Hainan Island. YEAH. ( :

4 November: Brought materials for competition. Went to RP to put stuffs.

5 November: CAN competition. Lost, though.

6-7 November: E-learning no school. Did report with Noodle when she came my house. Played badminton with Mui, Flora & Linda. HAHA! WE WON = FLORA & JOYCCEE. Strummed guitars & played with babies. ( :

8 November: Gonna return ALL library books & pay the fines. -.-

I'm not sure if I'm working this week or not. But, tomorrow's a Wednesday and I'm meeting Miss Linda and Mr Ah-xian again. LOL. Hope he's recovering FAST and fast. Oh.. Xp, Nadz and Jiapei birthdays coming SOON, I know. ( :

Eddy's one also! ( : ( : ( :

Oh man.. it will be December in no time. Wa somehow, this year is FAST! Then, what come next? Jinzhou Sir's wedding. Grace, LAO-GE, Beesim, Huimin and Jingying's birthdays, according to the schedule book on my lap, right now. By this time, A-levels birds will be all around, slacking man. How cool sia. OH NO. GROAN..

NP ECO CAMP '06.

SIMPLE GREEN TREK '07.

WA.. getting 'interesting' man. How I miss the olden days. I feel like going back to the past just like one innocent child with no worries at all. I regret bidding goodbyes then. After all, there is not turning back in life. Time awaits nobody. HOW SAD!

OH..

All the best! JOOYYCEE HATES YOU. LOL. ( :

CAN competition

2006-11-05T19:22:00.000+08:00

I just got home. Today we had the CAN competition at Republic Polytechnic. And guess what? We lost.. woohoo!

WE REALLY LOST. AND IT’S NO JOKE.

WE REALLY, REALLY LOST.

Initially, I thought TlnK stood a high chance of winning. We were the best. Creativity, beauty, you name we got it. Personally, I don’t think we deserve to lose. We should win, in the first place.

The worst was.. we got nothing, not even consolation prizes. And.. it’s really what-the-hell? Can you believe it? Nothing? It’s really nothing at all. I feel like a fool, a pile of shit.

After all, these periods of time of efforts all went down into the drains. I’m not angry. It’s just that I’m feeling dignified. It’s freaking unfair, let me tell you this. seriously, I think that today competition’s judges are not being truthful. They seem biased. So what if NP has 3 teams in today’s event? Is it wrong? You can’t just judge a team by the number of entries sent by a school? Right?

That’s really NOT FAIR at all. FREAKING UNFAIR!

Xuping says that we used paint, that’s why our artifact isn’t original at all. But, I beg to differ though. I think ours is perfectly alright. OURS is nice and pretty, ok? OK?

Clean & Green week so what? I don’t give a damn. NOTHING! Is it wrong to let us win? We have nothing. We wasted time, energy, resources and money. And, what did we get in the end? Nothing. Woohoo!!!~

That sounds great, huh? Woohoo!!!~

Assuming I’m selfish.. I think it’s unfair for Hanjie and Jackson’s team to win, especially Hanjie’s. They came in consolation and third, respectively. If I didn’t force GXO to come, they wouldn’t be at the event today. Maybe we might still stand a chance for consolation. If GXO didn’t come, TlnK wouldn’t need to borrow them cans. We still lent them other stationary materials. Same goes to Jackson. It’s just FEAKING UNFAIR!!!~

Sometimes, it doesn’t pay to be kind. And.. they didn’t even thank TlnK after they won. Perhaps we shouldn’t be so nice in the first place. This is the first time I felt so disappointed in my whole, whole life. I thought we could win, you know. We were so far, yet so far. FREAKING SAD!!!~

I really have nothing to say. All I know is to cry and cry and cry. Now, what comes next? Bring it on man!!!~ I’ll have to face that Ms Maga and Weitai. That’s the worst. Damn it.

5 NOVEMBER 2006. I WILL REMEMBER THIS DAY FOR LIFE. FOREVER I TELL MYSELF. NEVER EVER WILL I FORGET.

Today is the most unforgettable day I have ever had in my polytechnic life. I will not forget how I lost. How TlnK lost to secondary schools, GXO, Jackson’s team and that DREADFUL REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC team. What’s up with their freaking elephant? I catch no ball and see no link. FREAKING SHIT!

Is there still school tomorrow?

Oh my lord. I’m FREAKING FREAKING dead now.

All I can say is REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE! REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC SUCKS TO THE CORE!

This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.
This is the first time I felt so disappointed. This is the first time I felt so disappointed.

PERHAPS I WILL GET INTO ANOTHER COMPETITION SOON. BUT THINK AGAIN, MAYBE NOT. WHO KNOWS? PROVIDED THERE IS NO BIASENESS.

FREAKING BASTARDS.

WOOHOO!!!~

Printer shit

2006-11-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

I vowed. I vowed. I really vowed to make the printer well again.

It's really getting on my nerves, I swear. My patience is running short. I feel like murdering people now.

Oh my.

DAMN IT!

You are NOT me

2006-10-28T19:17:00.000+08:00

Yes, I’m back. And, I hope nobody will read this. Usually, I write long. This time round, I will write longer.

So.. Joyce, how’s life?

Good question. Let’s do a quick update, now. Yes, now.

Caught in between friends and family. GOODD!

Lost of motivation in life! WOOHOO..

Lost the happiness I once had! YEAHHH!!!~

Messing myself up with 2 clubs. WAA..

Living a life just to see what crap I'll get the next day. And, the next next day too. FOOL!!!~

Preparing for competition. HOHOHO!!!~

Waiting for things which will never come back. HEY HEY!!!~

Torturing myself during training and then throwing slight tantrums amidst? FOOO!!!~

Having more pimples popping out. WHATTHEHELL!!!~

Gaining more excess of flabby fats and untarnished images of myself. WONDERFUL!!!~

Being insulted and laughed at? COOL MAN!!!~

Life is just tremendously interesting for me. Neither can I cry nor scream. I should not feel angry, sad or disappointed. By right, I will feel numb. An empty shell covers life like a pile of shit. At least, it hides the bare truth from the public. The lame outsiders..

I wish I never had a soft heart. I wish I am that strong person I imagine to be. I just want to help people get back on their feet. I just want to make people happy. If only I could be a real bitch. I want to be as mean as possible. I want to pay back to those who bullied me. I want to retaliate. I want to attack them. I want ot be the ultimate winner. Then maybe things would be better. Or, maybe I could leave things as it is, and never bring it back.

I just want to make myself more natural and at ease.

Freshies catching up with me. School work piling high up. Work landing myself in a muddy auntie era sessions. ERS making me inside out. Ninjado collecting all my wounds and bruises. Classmates raging war with each other. Doing projects with people whom I don’t like. Organising events with many non-turnouts. Publicizing for nothing. Having no acknowledges time after time. Emotions building up inside me.

However hard I tried, just to make an effort for life to seem good. Laughing with people who look down on me. Faking my friendliness and kindness with the posers. Trying to be the same old me.

Today, I’m smiling even after getting stabbed straight in the heart. WOOHOO!~

Life is beautiful, with so many things.

Indeed, it is.

Let’s just give another round of applause to it. Welcome to this inner corner of an ordinary soul.Oh well. I'll take this opportunity to voice out. My space. That's what this website of mine is for, by the way. WAHAHA!!!~

Here they go.. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..

To all those who openly make fun of me in any ways. You can laugh, jeer or talk behind my back. But, let me tell you this. I don’t mind at all. Maybe it has yet occurred to you that I'm not exactly am endurer. I do curse and swear, but not often. I’m not a saint. It’s just that I just have this heart that didn’t want to spoil your day by saying nasty, evil things back. You people will never get to read this. But still, I want to say you have hurt me deep and made me sad before. I will forgive you but you have already engraved a crack inside me.

You really hurt me.

I don’t hate people, now. Given the past, it will just be this what-the-hell. I know you might perhaps don't give a damn, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just contented cos I’m saying things that I wanted to voice out ages back.

Continue if you want to..

Sometimes, it’s really normal to safeguard yourself from the surrounding people. Never learn to trust human beings that easily. Years of friendships might fall out, what more about months? This is a fact I will learn to live with.

I can die from emotional hurt.

But right now, it doesn’t really matter. Even since Hao’s departure, I know to treasure more of my loved ones. Grandpa’s death is a warning to me. Gong gong’s stroke made my instinct sharper. Somehow, I’m more aware of myself. It's in my genes to be simple-minded. I don’t blame my genes cos I can never change them. If not, it really sounds more and more dumb. Since young, I can never do well in studies. I have no special talents. I’m just as ordinary as possible. I don’t have a pretty, adorable face either.

In short, no figure or looks or brains.

Nevertheless..

One thing good about is life is that, I’m different from others. I’m not very popular. I’m not the famous of all. But, I get different types and kinds of people to like and adore me anywhere I go. I get all the genuine care and concern. I also get all the praises which others don’t have. I got more than them. Thus, I’m luckier, in a sense.

Maybe it’s just my life.

Fate, rather?

I won't be able to get together with the guy whom I fall for. His death really taught me something valuable. This is an unforgettable lesson. But, I’m not a jinx. Oh well, that's just my luck. Anyway, life isn't always what it seems. If not, why will people say that life’s so unfair?

Honestly, I don't expect good things to come my way often, too. And, love doesn't really come easy for me anymore. I'm just too not ready to support someone's emotions in my current state. The past is a tough period. Come to think of it, I really walked a long, tough way. Still, I’m walking and jogging now. At least, I’m moving.

I’m out of the darkness corner.

Even so, I still lacked self confidence. I still feel that I’m not trying hard enough. I also know that I’m still that old, matured, fat, short and ugly girl. I can only cut down feeling them but I will not change them. I’m born to look like this. Saying more sounds real silly.

Yeah?

Today, I have lost my colours of youth. I’m not as shiny as before. I feel weird to find myself attractive. Cos I ain’t. All along, I knew I kept contradicting myself. And, it has been up to Florence’s nerve. Who doesn’t want to look gorgeous with angel face and pretty clothes? I want and yearn to.

But, I’m not used to it.

I just hope the public will make me be not so self-conscious about myself. Somehow, I feel people keep staring at me when I’m outside. Am I so ugly or horrifying for you guys to look until like this? Maybe I reacted too much. But, I do know that people laughed at me. I heard them.

I really did.

But still..

A big thanks to those who stand by me. It’s you people who keep me in one piece in every single day of life. Really.. I know who you are, and that’s all. Even if you don’t regard me in the same status as I did for you, it’s perfectly alright. Cos.. To me, if you are then you are. I never mean anything. These are just my words of expressions.

One last thing before I sign off..

I think I’m selfish. But, what more can I do?

All along, I only wanted people to give in and the best for me. It’s a norm for people to like me more that I do for me. I have always wanted to be protected by people. I wanted more love and feelings. But, it’s so dramatic to see guys whom initially like you to like your own other friends, instead. It’s exaggerating cos you are not even somebody so cherished in the other party’s heart.

But, it’s kind of unfair. Maybe, just a maybe, looks are after all important. I can never be compared to a movie star. I’m not pretty or cute or sweet. If dates are just dates, then best of luck guys. I’m jealous of girls or woman who better images. They have sharper noses, brighter and bigger eyes and other more perfect figure and face features.

Well, that’s their fortune, I guess.

I’m off to a live full of certified crap. Even though it might not be so colourful as the trendy people, but I’m alright with it. I’m just – myself. I will set my goals. If not, I can go bang my head onto the wall, again. I really, really need to concentrate on my studies.

2 days, a friend asked me what will I react if she suddenly leave or backstab me one day?

You knew what my answer was?

I said, “I will leave you. But, I will not hate you.”

Full stop, period.

Shut up.

2006-10-22T22:44:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wonder the satisfaction of using vulgarities? Especially the 4-letters word, starting with a F?

I do.

After all, it really makes one feel better. And.. even though I’ve just blogged minutes ago, I decided to add on. I hate people who make empty promises. You can be late, but please do not ever lie to me. Maybe I expected too much.

Cos.. i ain’t perfect, either.

But, I just can’t stand it. I hate the way things turned out, eventually. I hate boys, guys or man. I feel that nothing is worth liking and cherishing. I feel that everything is just rubbish. All along, I’ve been deceiving myself and others. I made them believed me. I made the, become somebody they weren’t supposed to be, initially.

I’m a scream-weaver.

Sometimes, I think I’m damn pathetic. I’m as hopeless as an infant. I feel dumb and tiny. But sometimes, it’s vice versa. When I sit down and ponder, people think I’m having mood swings. When I talk, people don’t take me seriously. I’m not a clown. I have my pride, too.

Life is not all about dates. There are really much more things to do. Let alone studies, too. Somehow, I envy those ladies with curves and angel faces; just like movie stars. If you have the looks, you have both the quantity and quality. If you don’t, you just have t sit down and wait slowly, for a sponsor, though. Life is hard and tiring. One will never be contented.

Oh man.

I feel like crying. Cos.. i haven’t cried for a very long time, already. This sounds silly. But, this is me. I really don’t get it at times. I just want people to stop treating me so good. But.. why they start doing so, I blanked out. I will also feel very disappointed. Why is this so?

Why do I feel like this?

I hate life like this. I shouldn’t have known you, or ‘them’. No. No. No.

Maybe, oneday you will date her. But, another you will come back to me. and.. what the hell am I talking about? I don’t even understand you, or them. I don’t even know you at all. Time doesn’t prove anything. Words doesn’t mean anything.

I’m not her, to you.
You’re not him, to me.

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But.. let me tell you this, though. You will never get a chance to uncode me. Cos.. you don't even know me.

ASS.

Why do I feel like that?

2006-10-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

For what, I do not know.

I just feel very unhappy, deep inside. Neither am I pissed nor am I angry. I'm feeling very uneasy. I think I care a lot. I think I mind it a lot. I think I feel those weird, weird emotions. And.. i think I'm jealous.

Really I'm.

Somehow, I don't like my attitude towards life and, how I treat people. I tend to 'use' people. I know it's true and I won't deny that. I admit, here and right now. For example, I use people to treat me things. I use people to buy things for me. I use people to do things for me. I use people to help out and attend my cca things. In a way, I use whoever, who is useful to me. I do sound mean and bad.

I know that.

All along, I always feel that only I have the rights to call all shots. Also, I assume that only I can command and demand people to do things, according to my wishes. But.. i was wrong. And the worst thing was, I didn't even know that I was wrong. I'm not saying that I'm a failure. I'm just picturing myself in my own life. I'm just elaborating to myself.

That's all.

Since young, I have been loved by all walks of life. The elders praised me for being guai, polite and filial. All my cousins flocked to me when I went back to Malaysia for visit. I have many friends. I also have many guy and girl friends, too. I have always been lucky and happy.

Normally, I don't fall for people. I rather people fall for me, instead. I don't have magic powers to alter anything in life. I'm just an ordinary and simple girl. I'm a human being, only. However so, I never like the feeling of people leaving me. It's just so complicated to explain so.

Let's skip that.

Right now, I just feel something's amiss. And.. seriously, I don't like that feeling. It's like a bit of betrayal. I know that I sound rather exaggerating. But, I'm really feeling outside inside now. I really feel 'not happy'. I can't say more. If not, he will know. But, I think I'm really selfish and greedy. We are not even together. And, he's not the one I really like. Yet, I still have those bitchy thoughts. I think I really ought to shut them out.

I have to zone down them.

Why can't I just be a better person? Why must I go and feel like that? I will be fine after a few days. I pray that I will be. I really do.

Jealousy is a most hatred feeling.

I know that.
Don't ask why.

Sigh of sighs

2006-10-19T09:01:00.000+08:00

It is kind of sad to see the class falling apart. The girls has always been close, with or without me. I have no right to comment anything, though. But.. this is something that I feel deep inside. My own personal opinion.

Honestly, I never like the girls. I don't feel easy in their presence. I became dumb and silly with them. I don't know how to react to be the real me when I'm with them. I just feel as helpless as a baby. We don't click, that's it. That's why we are not in a clique. We don't mingle and, we don't share and talk much. We are just merely classmates. However hard I try, it really makes no difference. Thus, I give up.

I don't see much point in being with them. I don't get it why must I try to hard just in order to fit into their shoes. I really don't understand.

Today, I don't really know what happened between them. But.. the strains are seen. Some are avoiding some. There are cracks here and there. The atmosphere sounds tense. People are just faking around, anyway.

I know I'm kind of slow as a person. Even though I appear to be normal and smart in thinking perhaps, but there are really tons that I don't know. Often, my mind went whirling when people talks. Cos.. most of the time, I really don't get what they are talking about. I laughed cos they laughed. But, I don't dare to voice out, cos I know I'm not in their frequency levels of talk.

Thus, I kept quiet.

Normally, I like to talk. I'm a very talkative girl. I will just for hours and hours. But gradually, I began to feel that growing up can make one silent and stun. I'm quite lost, though. I have noble ambitions, too. But.. people will just laugh and say it's impossible for me. But, this is wrong. I'm going to prove to others. I'm not going to be that kan chiong spider, anymore. I will be a more steady spider. I will catch up with my pace. I will learn from mistakes and others. ( :

On the very first day of school, I heard 2 girls laughing at me. One was laughing and the other one was saying she knew what she was laughing at. And.. they were looking at me. Maybe I think too much. But, I think it somewhat, somehow has got something to do with me. And, the worse thing is they were standing right in front of me and my another classmate. The 3 of them were talking to my friend. I don't know if I react too much. But.. i guess. I will just pretend nothing happened. I'm dumb, but I'm dumb for my own likeness. I'm perfectly fine.

I know that.

I heard from Mui. School is dreaded boring. Actually, mine sucks too. It's really tedious and not fun at all. Boring, boring and boring! Everybody were like asking me how's school and stuff like that. And.. i'm also kind of sian, too. I don't hate school. After all, the school fees paid are so much, though. Money. A great sum of it. The hope of getting into a varsity never disappear right from the start. I'm still aiming it. Admist my grumbles and complains, I still want to work hard and strive for a degree. I want and I will. I trust myself.

Projects have started. And.. I got straight away into groups with someone whom I don't like. Not say don't like, but I don't click with these people. I have chosen the wrong I&E and ended up with people not my type. We are supposed to do a mini environmental project. I was suggesting a nature hiking trip or cycling at Ubin. They were like pinpointing all the way saying I wanna kill them, etc. I'm not angry, but if you wanna have something like green boardgames, say out your ideas. If you don't want this and that, tell me what you want. Don't just act like prince or princess. This is a school, not a playground or palace. And.. this is Singapore. I hope that they understand.

I like doing projects with people who really put in efforts. I don't like those with meti-extreme accents. They speak weird and don't do their parts. Sadly to sad, I have 2 projects with this another classmate of mine. Oh well, I will work hard myself with my another partner.

In conclusion.. No choice, group work = business. Sometimes, you just can't avoid nonsense. This is life, anyway. All I have to do is finish my part as a team member and I'll score well. That's what I care, though. Nothing more.

Another thing. I hate doing things which are irritating. Right from the start ever since I joined ERS, I never really enjoyed myself. I do, but most of the time I didn't. Cos.. i'm doing things which get on both my and others' nerves. It's irritaing to keep sms and call people to go for events. Why can't they just check their emails? Why? It's just a click away. You people can sign in to MSN and talk, etc. Yet, you can't check your emails. It's tiring to be a HR head. It's tiring. Soemmore, I still have to study, work and help out at home. I really hate my job. I wanna quit, but people keep saying don't quit don't quit. I get tired, really. I'm sad to see people's initiatives at such low levels. People are just so disappointing. I have wasted all my time and money, all along. ERS makes my phone bills explode. It's sad to have people backout last minute when their friends are not going. It's not fair, you know. How will you react if you are the organiser? I'm really at my loss end. Now.. i have to get people to go for that briefing tomorrow when me myself can't even go. I end class at 5pm and I will rush down to work cos it starts at 6pm. Saturday's meeting is also invalid as I'm working. It's like I'm not going then I still ask people to go even though I'm not the chairperson of meeting. I have to get the movie's numbers by today too. Really shit.

Ninjado is much more fun. All I have to do is to train, train and train myself. I ahve slacked too much. That's why I vomited during Monday's training. I feel more tired easily, now. I'm getting lazier and weaker at the same time. I wanna boost my morality up again. I mustn't fall like this, never. I will try more of my best. I don't want Jin Quan, especially to feel that we are not trainign hard. He's the one who enlightens me most of the time. LOL. ( :

Ok la. I talked too much already. ( :

Save me

2006-10-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

It has been a long, long story.

This world is really a small one, too. Sometimes, I realised that I just can't seem to figure some things out. I struggled. I cried. I vexed. Those dark periods are my so-called sufferings in life. These few days, I really thought quite a lot.

Many people passed by me in my life. Some good, some bad. There are several impressions being left behind. Somehow, it puzzled me. I even felt that I never ever want to know some people I had known before. Suddenly, the past and future seem so redundant. Nothing is worth. There's nothing much to see.

Emotions have been rushing inside and out of me.

I felt numb.

Also, I felt lost.

Í guess I'm just too tired. I knew some untold secrets. I discovered some hidden stuffs. But.. i will keep my mouth shut. It's high tide to do some housekeeping for affairs. Let's not mubble anything. ( :

Some changes have been made. My fringe is short and nerd, now. I look so foreigner. I have also befriended some friends whom I never thought I would. Suddenly, I seem closer to the unusual crowds. Conflicts don't involve me in a swirling way, anyway. I'm unwanted and not cut out for these. Deep down inside, I miss many people. There are just so so much I need to say to some people.

Even though I had just met up with Flora for dinner, I still miss her. It was nice talking to her. It was nice hearing her sing and playing guitar. It was just so nice to be with her. Everything feels so great.

I missed Mui sama and Jojo. It has been ages since I last saw them. I didn't manage to play badminton with Mui. Neither did I manage to go out with Jojo. I really missed those great times with them. I don't have clicks or gangs. But.. i have them, that's most important.

I missed Alvin, too. But.. not as much as the above mentioned. Lol. He still owed me a letter. Wahahaha!

I missed Linda and Fu Xian. Wa.. it's really webs and webs. Linda's birthday present is still with me; the one somebody accidentally put into my bag that one. I looked forward to more Wednesdays with her and Fu Xian brother. Woo.. hope we're playing tennis soon. We rocks! ( :

I will be meeting Dean, too. A nice friend. Talking about him, I thought of Tin Song. I really miss him a lot lot, too. So so duper long never see liao. My super wonderful senior. How's NS and that bald head of yours? ( :

Mr Tan Wei Wen. Wa.. if he had not talked to me last night during MSN, I would really have forgotten him. And.. the last thing he said before going off is, has Mark found a girlfriend? I said yes and he just kept lol all the way. My goody ah-beng friend. Meet up soon?

Ninjado rocks. Fat Han Lun. Wahahaha!
ERS rocks when there's external fun, too. Han Sheng and his china soveniours for Nurul and me. I'm waitign, down here in Singapore. ( :

I wonder how's Clarence, too. He said he's waiting for NS. Wa.. and he has been working ever since he started attachment. Very powerful seh. All the best friend!

I miss Ah Hua and Ah Long, too. Guo, me, di and them didn't hang out ever since they come Singapore. Oneday, somehow, we must really show the 2 of them around.

I'm really bothered about the rest. Cos.. i'm not close to them. Lol.

I'm happy to know Nadz and gang, no matter is from Hui Min that gang or MMA side. I'm lucky to meet Nurul ang Huda. Glad I'm happy and close to them. Yeah. I'm also happy to be friends with many EE people. Chin and Choo, GXO, etc. I'm also happy to know other poly friends like Oliver, Zheng Kai, Zhi Quan gong gong, etc. I'm also glad that I didn't lose contact with Alvo, Gerry, Ivan, etc. I'm really satisfied.

That's enough.

I'm grateful for what I have, now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? Nobody.. all the best! Good luck. ( :

Let's talk about it

2006-10-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

Love.

Hmm.. what's love? Such an untouchable topic.

I have been watching dramas, these days. Those melodies and tunes. They really sound so familiar. It has been 5 years for me, after all. Today, I'm walking up and saying things all by myself. Deep inside, I'm still afraid. I'm still the old scardy cat like before. But.. i'm not totally as weak.

I'm stronger.

I'm a happier human being.

Somehow, I think life is really still not fair, at all. Why do people like to beat around the bushes? Why are secrets so hard to keep? Why are friendships so vulnerable? Why can't 2 people truly in love be together? Why are there always disturbances here and there?

Why?

There are just too many WHYs inside me. I wanna ask all that I can. I wanna clear up all of my single doubts. I'm just so-called lost, in a way. Perhaps.

Some things are never meant to be known in life. Just a maybe, only.

I might say that I like you. But, you like her. And, she like another him. That another him likes me instead. It's like.. life is really, very dramatic. Feelings are subtle creatures. Emotions dumped us in a haste. Life is indeed..

Weird?

One-sided love is really suffering. It kills and demolishes one's pure heart, that easily. It's kinda funny, to me. Some love are meant to be conditional, whereas, some are not. I mean.. dramas must be interesting to catch the audiences' attentions. But..

Are our lives also the same?

Everybody play a different role in the real life world. We are various characters in various people's life. For me, I might be in yours, but you might not be in mine, at all. I might be in his, but his is in hers, etc. I'm saying life is all about complications. In that way, it can be 'qualified' to be interesting and termed as 'life'.

Sounds rather..

You will never know what will be falling in love with your smiles, at this moment? Who knows? Aha..

This entry is written very badly. However so, at least I know what I wanna say. That's all. Shall we give a miss for the secrets? Shh.. it's time for school.

Argh.. sucks. All the best! I hope school will be fun later. And, training will be great! Bye. ( :

Wave of hopes

2006-10-11T08:02:00.000+08:00

It has been ages since the fall of darkness. It has been a really long, long time. The whirl of chimes swirled and tumbled down. Hence, swallowing the blind and tearing the innocent. Times have passed, once again. Yet, nothing was heard. Also, nothing was seen, too.

Oh..

The wonders of the creations of Earth are amazing. It is enlightening to see the maze of all walks of lives. How they ponder. How many start to wander off, in the dim of haze and misty. Will this era break down? Will everybody die? And.. why?

Not everyone deserve to die. Some are kind, and they just don't deserve it. It seems right from the beginning to let the badies die. They are bad, and therefore deserve it. My instincts tell me so, too. But.. i think I'm wrong. Somehow.

It all boils down to which type of person he or she is. It really depends. Somewhat, too. There's absolutely no fairness in this world. Nowadays, where can you find someone real upright and brutally honest? Straightforward is different. I'm talking about character. Likewise, life is also similar. Many things in life, I guess, none of us can't help stopping it. We are limited human resources.

Frankly speaking.

These days, I have been through a lot. Neither did it set me thinking nor whatever you call it, la. I just feel very tired, that's all. Really.. it has been quite a while I really sleep like a pig. It's either a very early or late day for me. Oh..

But, I don't mind. The value and power of this thing brushes me through. It swept me to life. It brought me experiences. It made me learnt something - the true natures of mankind. After all, it might be important or vice versa. I don't know. This is clueless. The pit is endless. I'm still finding the answers to my doubts. I'm still on the way. Spare me time. More of it, thank you.

I enjoyed my day with my flora lady. It really feels nice to get together with someone you are close but couldn't really meet up, often. I enjoyed the hours with noodle, too. It makes me feel secured that she will never leave me in the lurch. It sounds so using-somebody-like-a-tool now. But.. i don't mean that. I mean as a true buddy. I enjoyed the times with the ninjado gang. It makes me feel like myself, again. It has been a long time ever when I started feeling pure relaxed and happy. The feelings are so simple. Come to think of it, life hasn't been bad to me, after all. Even though I might have lost people whom I loved or cherished before in the past, it's perfectly alright. At least, I have recounted memories with them. And.. the most important thing is, I have gained more than I have, now.

I'm more contented than ever.

Thank you. If I still dwelled in those dreams, I will never wake up. It has been quite lucky that i deceided to give these a miss. I want to give life a shot. And.. i'm happy to meet people whom I never thought I will. School is great. Training is nice. Outings are fun. Work is new. Everything is going smoothly. (( :

A story unheard of

2006-10-04T19:57:00.000+08:00

I used to enjoy taking photos very much. I like to snap shots of the surroundings. I like to picture people inside the camera. But.. that was years ago.

Today, I stopped taking photos. I don't even like to stare into the mirror. I feel scared and alone. Sometimes, I will even cry in front of the mirror. I just hate seeing things through the mirror and lens. Let alone reflections. Something will just come out from the glasses or screens. And.. i hated gyms lots.

Perhaps I sound rather dead. This is a rather dumb excuse, people might say. But.. so what? I don't even give a freaking damn.

Even since I stepped into secondary 3, I became too withdrawn. Gradually, I lost contact with many people. And.. i wasn't the old Lim Xue Yan Joyce, then. I was just so indifferent. Out of sudden, I really don't know what is going on and literally stood there like an idiot. Eveything changed overnight, for me. His departure was one of the greatest regret in my life.

Today, I'm no longer mourning. I'm just leading a normal life - an era without his presence. I am as happy as before, now. I'm not the depressed creature, then.

But.. he left me scars.

I hated taking photos. It reminds me of him. It makes me feel that everybody who take photos with me will die. I feel really guilty. Those happy memories were slowly fading. What's the point of remembering something which makes you sad all year round? I don't wanna history to repeat itself. It has been 5 years, hasn't it?

I can't help it, either. I can't simply stop people dead in their tracks and explain why I don't wanna take photos with them. Right? I can't. I enjoyed the warmth I got back, then. I'm satisfied with all the love, care and concern I got, then. I was really happy, then. I was leading a blissful life.

Last night, on a particular day, I went out alone. I took all his remainings things, away. His presents, gifts, photos.. everything that rightfully belonged to him. I took everything I took with or from him. I dugged a hole and dumped everything there. And.. i swore.

I said, "From today onwards, I will be free. I shall not be tied down by the seas of miseries. Everything is over, now. I have no worries, anymore. Never..".

And.. i did. Today, I will still be sad or stressed. But, I'm doing for different causes. I'm worrying what normal students or teenagers do. I'm perfectly alright. I know I am and I will be. This is the aftermath of a recovery. This is the present me.

However so, these words and sentences seem to contribute nothing to the photo phobia. But to me, it did. I shrugged at teh sound of clickings and shrieks of flashes. I will tend to feel that my life is in danger if people keep taking photos. I will have difficulty in breathing. And.. i will not be able to see clearly. Those emotions will rush me thoroughly. That's why I find myself so unnatural and silly. I really don't wanna take photos, again. I can't bear to even see the sight of those appliances. Really. I have my own reasons, though it sounds so artificial.

I knew it.

But.. that's the truth. It bore me no grudges but I missed those olden days. Today, I will be lying if I still loved him. I don't. After all, it has so long. In my heart, there's just this person that I buried up, ages. He will always there, a prominent figure to guide me through my future life. I'm happy I have him. I'm glad he taught me many things, then. I'm lucky to just meet him.

I can't stop people from saying. I can't make people to know me. I can't force people to accept some weird things from me. In the first place, I never even think of that, before. If critics think otherwise, that will just be too bad. I can't change people's thinking. But.. i can change my fate.

And..

I did. In a way which I think I did. (( :

I was told to put this up

2006-10-04T11:11:00.000+08:00

Split of mind

2006-10-03T20:31:00.000+08:00

I really, really don't know what to do. I really, really hope to calm down and relax myself. But.. somehow, I fail to do my part. I'm a human. I can breathe, talk and walk. In addition, I can smile, laugh and cry. I really, really do.

So.. is my future still a bleak one?

Is there anymore thing I can do? I just want to save myself from the indulgence and mists. I'm really, really tired. I really, really don't want to think things with my legs. I have a brain and ought to make good use of my cells. That is the only right thing I should do.

Come on.. let's just knock it off. Pea-brain.

I thought everything is back to normal after the last weekend I had. Yes, it is. The breeze and cool era. How can I just blank out? I can never forget. Yes, I can't. It's time to pull myself together, again.

Hello.. are you there?

Please.

Just take things easy, will you? You can and, eventually, will. Kindly bear yourself some reminders. If you lost, just find somebody to talk to. Don't.. don't keep things to yourself. If not, you will only be lost in your dreams. You will never find another alternative to return away. You have choices. You have yourself to count onto. Don't be scared. (( :

Life seems like a joke. Everybody seem to be fools playing along. But.. why? Why do I feel like that? Why is life so pathetic? Why are the masks all floating around? Why is it so smelly? Why can't I see anything? Why can't I hear anything? Why can't I touch anything? Am I prohibited?

Oh man.

After minutes of thinking while writing these junks..

I wanted to say something else. Really something else.

Maybe I sound contradicting. But, I get what I mean. That's enough. (( :

And the thing is.. i finally woke up!

I realised something. At least, I'm really, really much more luckier than others. I lead a fortunate life. I do not pang for concerns. I'm not one who hunger for love all my life. Also, I do understand myself, as well as certain. I imagine myself as a kid who's living in a sweet shp whereby I experienced the real emotions rush of beings. I'm a sophisticated grown-up, in a way. In the way, I steered clear of those wild, holy and all-consuming states. Now.. i do beg to differ.

And I felt about 30 years old, mature, and wise, and overwhemling. I felt great, suddenly. Sometimes, mood swings do get one carried away. It's really bad for health. And.. i felt like saying this, too.

"Let nature take its own course."

** My handphone will be back tomorrow. And.. i'm richer after getting my pay. Woohoo! Maybe it's time to get 2 outer jackets. My hairdo needs a re-vamp, too. Let me consider deeply, thoroughly, first. (( :

Ubin days

2006-10-01T16:22:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm the first to blog about this. Anyway, oh well..

Frankly speaking, I'm happy that I went for this chalet. I really enjoyed myself very much, though. Being with this bunch of friends brought me lots of laughters and hopes into my life. In other words, enlightenment. (( :

First of all, thank you Mr Jinquan for plannning these. He made surprises, surprisedly. This stayover, in addition with the food and miscellanous expenses must have cost him a bomb. But.. he just wanted the rest to enjoy themselves. That's all. He's nice and nice and nice. HAHA! Tiew J Q John is the best senior I have ever had, before. I think he will laugh at the bold words. (( :

Second, a big thank you to William for his care and concern. He's always waiting for me when I'm walking at the back. I'm very touched. He was being 'bullied' in some ways. I'm happy that I know him and can share my joys and sorrows with a somebody like him. However so.. he's 'hot'! Woohoo! Lol. William.. jia you! (( :

Third, it was really nice to know Dawn, too. Even she's petite in size, she seems sensible and knowledgeable. Overall, she reminds me of Mark Lim, again. I think she's well-mannered and I'm happy to be her friend. Now.. i know where to bring her for meals, next time. Ice-cream. (( :

Fourth, I'm thankful to Beesim, too. It was great knowing her. Honestly, I think she behaves like me. She looks like me. She seems to share many similar things as me. Heh heh. The only differences are that'.. she has a boyfriend now, but I don't. She has long and nice siky hair while mine's messy like a broom. I wear spectacles but she has a perfect eyesight. I don't know if she notices or not. I think I like to hang out with her more. She's really a nice girl. We like yellow colour! (( :

Fifth, my dear baboon or minced meat. I'm sorry to say that you are the son of a chicken wing. Here's my terribly apologies. I didn't mean it, though. I thought I heard you said this, but in the end you said that. I really need to go and dig my ears. My ears are turning rusty and collecting spiderwebs now. Anyway.. mark cheong is a nice friend, too. He will one who will allow you to grip onto when you are scared. He is there to comfort when you are afraid of the dark, as such. He's great! Woohoo! Thanks man. (( :

Last but not least, hi Derrick. I don't know if he still read my blog or not. Nevertheless, I hope he's happy too. At least, he has had 6 people to celebrate his 'big' date with him. I feel sorry for him that he's being drawn on his face, thrown onto with flour, water and eggs. Aww.. to me, that's disgusting. I wouldn't imagine myself to be in his shoes. He seems so down right for the start on Friday. Maybe he's stressed up with his personal problems. I appreciate for his lame jokes, too. I just want him to be carefree and happy, too. Hope he likes my small bear bear and lighbulb keychain. I'm sorry that I made him bathed in 'cold' water and pulled his hair. Hope it's not that pain. If not, I will let him pull oen strand of mine, next time. Derrick is nice in his ways, too. Woohoo! (( :

Lol. It's a pity that Weixin, Ryan and Xiang didn't join us this time. I missed them lots, especially Xiang. It has been ages since I last saw her. Wonder how is she now? For Ryan.. cos I'm still waiting for my chocolates. If I never see him, I can't get my share. So.. can Ryan please faster meet me? Heh heh. Ops.. sorry I'm so 'materialistic'. For Weixin, hope you are getting better now. We must meet up soon. Initially, I thought we could talked during chalet. But alas, you can't come. Wahaha!

Also, the air-conditioning is bad for chalet. It's damn cold. The movies and shows were great. The music were blasting superb! Haha. Anyway, I'm also not so 'green', too. Sorry if I keep nagging everybody and switching the air-cons and lights in the chalet. No ill intentions, though. That's all. I need to keep things sweet, short and simple. I think Í wrote too many things for my entries. Lol. (( :

All the things she said came in all sorts of random thoughts. She thought she managed to let herself out. She regained back certain spirits and happiness. She dwelled in pleasant and positive thoughts in life, now. It's great knowing that, isn't it?

Keep quiet

2006-09-28T15:24:00.000+08:00

Often, people say that laughter is the best medicine. Yet.. now, I feel like crying. I don’t sense anymore joy or achievement in life. It’s like I’m dead yesterday. Nothing seems meaningful. And.. I can’t do much, either.

Somehow, life is pathetic.

Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody gets what I mean. Nobody understands me. Nobody at all.

Seriously, I don’t know how to define a failure. I’m not even sure if I’m one. I don’t wish to fall into that category. But, I’m just sinking deeper and deeper into an unknown dungeon. Many things in life are unreachable. If you think that something is worth, please grab no waste of time and do them.

That being said, I still feel scared. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. i don't even know what I’m doing now.. let alone, to find out what i need to do. I’m totally lost. My sense of directions has always been very lousy. Now, it’s even worse! Oh my goodness. Can somebody wake me up?

Damn it.

I have a friend who used to say that life is one damn thing then we die. Now to think of it, he has a point there. Somehow, I agree, wholeheartedly. I’m deeply ashamed of my sins and will not be able to atone from them, now. I’m neither feeling sad nor angry. I’m just disappointed with life. I thought that everything was over. But.. the shooting still continues. I feel tired. I don’t wish to move on anymore. The distance seems further. Spare me.

I used to laugh at people. How silly of them to waste their youth and time on things which they can choose not to do. But.. what am I doing now? Isn’t it the same? I lost my rights to argue back, too. Frankly speaking, I’m not one who can lead. I would just drop dead instantly. Recently, lots of escapism has been running through my mind. The chanting has been never-ending. By right, it has never stopped before. Oh man..

I was wrong.

I thought I could be happier. I thought I could change everything. Now that everything come tumbling down, I realised that I’m just a human being, only. I can’t do much. I can’t change things which I can’t in the first place. I ought to learn how to let go at the right time. I need to really let go. Goodbye is easy to say so, isn’t it?

Oh my lord. Here’s a tiny request from me.. please. Please just take away those bumps inside me. I hate those thoughts. All I want is a carefree life whereby I work and study. Nothing else. I want nobody. I want nothing. I want just – myself and my dearest family. I appreciate whatever is being done to and for me. But..

I’m not the same, anymore. I’m no longer that small girl in my parents’ eyes. I’m not that kid. I’m just a little somebody in my own street. I walk alone. I peddle to find my own way. I sniff and grope around. I live amidst my dreams and hopes in life. Have a faith and heart. Kindly do not crash my single every desires. I can’t bear all those sufferings. I can’t withstand them. I will surely die. Really.

How I miss those days. How I wish I was in the past. How I hope to change everything. How I depend on them. How I made use of him. How I cheated her. How I scratched out the friendships. How I tricked life. How I abused myself. How I know myself. How I erase off those memories. How I buried his stuffs. How I cried. How I hate myself. How I bleed deep down.

I can’t help it. I just can’t take things lying down. No. Never..

She closed her eyes and heaved a sign of relief. Let’s just forget everything and continue to sleep on. She’s a bitch. But.. so what?

They are worse.

Bare truth

2006-09-26T15:08:00.001+08:00

I got so bored and went online, instead. Hmm.. had quite a handful of chatters with me, though. And, I asked a friend some dumb questions.

[A Foreigner]
Sometimes, I'm often mistaken for a foreigner's identity. But alas, I'm not. Cos.. i'm a pure Singaporean. I don't know if I'm a loyal citizen but I'm certainly a local. I'm not from any weird countries. Will the public please kindly spare me some false assumptions? Lol. I feel so funny.

[Age]
Do I look old? It's yes or no. And.. i agreed that I look matured. I wore spectacles and have that typical fuzzy hairstyle. I look so auntie. Aha! But, this doesn't turn me off anymore. I simply doesn't care. I'm really too tired to make over. I love myself right now. That's enough. (( :

[Height]
Hmm.. i neg to differ about this. People say I'm short. But the truth is that, I'm neither short nor tall. And, they are wrong! Woohoo! I will continue to skip daily. Yes.. i meant it, provided that i'm not too lazy to do so.

[Fat]
Seriously, I shall not mention this again. If not, I will be bashed by people again. They will be like, "Huh? It you fat, then I what sia? You better go and die!" Eh.. dots. I just feel that my body mass is much heavier than the average girls. I'm more muscular and bone-tonner than others. I'm training to be healthy, now. (( :

[School]
The results are out. And.. i've improved! A slight one, though. Heh heh. But, it's enough. I will strive better. Since I have had already given out my best, that's all. At least I have tried. Thanks to myself and my motivations towards myself, these days. Thanks! I will study for next semester. I will pull up my socks. (( :

[Work]
Hmm.. too many to say. I'm glad that I started out here. This place has brought me memories and miseries. Oneday, I will be more successful than the boss. i will mark my words. Let me jia you all the way!

[ERS]
Not really into the mood to elaborate. So busy. Lol.

[Ninjado]
I will be meeting the gand this friday. Woohoo! These 3 days will be fun. YES! (( :

[Family]
I just talked to ah ma just now. She asked when am I going back to Muar? She missed us lots. Honestly, I missed her, too. I wonder how ah gong is doing now. This morning, I got a shock of my life. Hui Ping smsed me saying, she cannot join us for the ECp beach clean-up cos her grandmother just passed away. She had to go to Malaysia for the funeral wake. Then.. i thought of something I shouldn't have. I felt scared. I'm worrying for ah gong every now and then. After all, it has been 14 years for him. That tough times.. oh man. Every family has its own sets of problems, I suppose. I hope no matter what, our family will stay as one towards the end of the world.

Just have some faith. Everybody needs it. All the best! (( :

Take a deep breathe

2006-09-25T10:05:00.000+08:00

Work is getting interesting everyday. (( :

Life is still moving at a slow pace, with stretched of stress and moody swings. Maybe I do sound bored. But, I have nothing much to say about my life, right now. I'm happy with the life I have now. I'm happy that I have that bunch of buddies with me. I'm happy that people look after me at work. I'm happy that there are plenty of seniors who dote on me. I'm happy that I'm happy.

I'm really happy.

School is starting real soon. But.. before that, I will have to rush through the autumn season first. After all, Chinese Garden is a beautiful place. Frankly speaking, yesterday was my second visit there. Wa.. i know I sound dumb, la. But, it's true! The music is boring. But, the sightings were great. I really enjoyed working there. Heh heh. The stall beside us was also helpful and friendly. Woohoo! Bao Today rocks! Luckilt, the toilet is just behind the stall. If not, I die. Cos I kept running to the toilet. (( :

Wisma is still like before. However so, I guess I will just try to do my role at work. Other than that, it's all none of my business. I'm afraid of all those conflicts that I'm being sucked into. It's overwhelming, at times. Spare me that. And.. i just realised that I have been working at Fortunate for nearly 2 years, serving as a part-timer. Woohoo! Time really flies. So scary lo! Honestly, I don’t like to work in a food and business industry. Being a cashier is still alright. Being a food promoter is also alright. i just dislike being.. a waitress. I hate to service customers cos I always do many things wrong. I’m quite blur and pathetic. I always drop this and that. Lots and lots of accidents occurred before. I will never forget each unforgettable encounter. I will remember how I was being scolded and humiliated at each point of time. Of course, I will not bear any grudges. I mean.. for what? I don’t even know the customers. I’m just saying that I have been taught many painful lessons for being a waitress.

I have phobias, already.

In this vacation, I have learnt the true meanings of responsibility and maturity. Sometimes, it’s a norm for people to stab you behind your back. It’s perfectly fine. Mankind is still mankind. Why be burden with some spurge of angriness? Time is limited and we must never afford to lose any. (( :

And.. i have mastered the art of putting on a plastic mask, naturally. It feels silly when you are talking to certain customers. They treat you either transparent or like a tool. So ‘funny’. Now, I even dreamt of working. Oh man. I must be insane! Whatever it is, I just know I will smile broadly even at the slightest cause. I’m too used to smiling now.

My mother told me something just now. I laughed and laughed. It was really funny and disgusting in a way. She has had stomachache yesterday during work. Hence, she went to the public toilet at the restaurant. Actually, she was not supposed to cos the toilet is only meant for the customers, only. But.. she heck la! And.. guess what? She heard a lady customer talking about how ‘full’ she was at that moment. She had just finished 10 baskets of chao siew baos! That will be a total 2 x 10 = 20 BAOS. Imagine that! Oh my Lord. That’s not enough lo. She also finished other baskets of siew mai, prawn dumplings, carrot cakes (both fried and steamed), scallop dumplings and as such. She’s really.. dots. Oh man! I can’t put myself in her shoes. For me, I can never finish so much food in one go. I must be ki siao to do so. Never! (( :

It’s amazing to know that somebody is looking you when you are totally not aware of it. It feels great to have somebody liking you. It’s good when you are loved and cared by all. It’s thanksgiving when everybody around you is blessed. It’s cool when you have the chance to write and express what you feel deep down. It’s magnificent when you see how the poverty, weak and old smile with those laughs. It’s wonderful to pacify a baby who has been crying for hours. It’s blissful to be in your parents’ arms. It’s enlightening to communicate freely with your brothers and friends.

It’s really my pleasure to know myself.

It’s a virtue to appreciate others. But first of all, kindly know yourself before you take any further step. If you don’t, you will never be free. Cos you can’t let go. When it’s time, please do. What’s the point of holding onto something which is never meant to be yours, in the first place? I have tasted that before. No thanks! (( :

I’m not so tired of people around me, anymore. Neither am I tired of the things I’m doing. The purposes are very important. Sometimes, you thought you wanted this. But in the end when you got that thing, you realised that that wasn’t what you really wanted. Sounds familiar, right?

My doubts are still there. But, a sprained past can be mended easily. If I think in another positive way, I believe miracles will happen. Everybody should think in a forward manner for their future. Ganbatte! (( :

Time never waits. Please let people know that. It's just that the coconut tree will grow old oneday and die. Then, it will never be alive again. But, it's children or grandchildren or great grandchildren will always still be around. Picture these into your vast mindsets. All luck. Heh heh. The gloomy storms will be over soon. Bear with them for a little but more. Think of all those memories you shared with all your beloved. Woohoo! (( :

I swear

2006-09-23T18:43:00.000+08:00

I guess I have missed out much. This vacation is finishing in the blink of an eye. Many things changed within this short semester. Hmm.. i mean, this year. Suddenly, I felt scared. Indeed, time does not wait. If you have lost that rare opportunity, it will just be a plainly 'too bad'. It's unfair, though.

But.. life is like that.

Now, tell me. Who doesn't yearn for a perfect life? Who doesn't want to be loved and cared for every minute and second?

The answer is.. either a yes or no. Choose it, my friend.

Whatever it is, I decided not to give any damn, anymore. If not, I might not be able to sleep that soundly. I shall mind only my own business. It's alright to be selfish, sometimes. I agree so. I don't feel tired working everyday. Somehow, I'm numb all over. I have lost my every single little bit of grumbliness. I have reacted mildly. Or rather, times have changed. I'm different.

Events are still lining all the way till school reopens. I hope I will be able to cope. Time seems rushing in an evil way. Oh man.. i can't afford to be late in any sense. Please allow those paces to quicken up. Oh my lord.

It’s been ages since I played sports, too. My bones are really hard and ‘incorrigible’. It’s time to exercise out all my fats and unhealthy glands. If not, I will really fall ill soon. Trainings will commence from tonight, onwards. I will cut down on junk food. I will eat more vegetables and fruits. Drinking planty of water is also important for us. It’s time ti mark these reminders deep inside. I saw how a colleague was admitted to hospital cos of low blood pressure. And.. that injection was a fobia for me. Running or working in a Food And Business industry isn’t easy at all. I will think twice next time. My interest is still there. Hmm..

I think I must be mad. But frankly speaking, I enjoyed working. The more the crowds, the merrier. Cos I love to key in money. I like the smell of coins and notes. It makes me feel ‘fresh’. I’m kinda silly to say these. But.. for what, I do not know. I just like working. It’s better than staying at home and fretting over CCA stuffs or other nonsensical issues. I know I’m right. The people there are nice. The kitchen chefs and other full-timers are rather friendly and helpful. I mean.. people are not always like this all year round. But over all, I feel that at least the people working there still treat me like a human. Not like a thrash or dog. In the past, I do feel people there are mean and disgusting. Let time proves..

I didn’t attend class’ chalet. In fact, I have never been to one, anymore. I’m rather not close to this LM class, I should say. Honestly, every classmate treat me ‘not bad’. It was great to have them as friends too. It was unfair of me to criticize them in the past. I was quite unfeeling. Even so, I still prefer to be a loner. I understand how Nurul wanted me to join and mingle with the rest. She meant no harm, though. I still thank you her for that. She’s a real nice girl. I was wrong about her. Whatever, we are still as fine as before. I’m indeed fortunate. (( :

I’m gonna to go for the Ninjado chalet. Like before, it will be Pulau Ubin. That ‘eerie’ place.. hehs! I still remember how that Jin Quan and Derrick Wan tricked me and Clare into thinking that they were all lost. Oh well.. stupid jokers! Lame. I look forward to this. Have fun guys! Woohoo! (( :

Anyway.. i’m also used to people calling me auntie, now. I know I looked old and haggard. But, it’s ok. I will dress up next time. I will be a prettier human in 3 years’ time. Now, I still like my present looks. Hehs! I look normal and is perfectly alright. So.. no worries! Woohoo! (( :

Yesterday, I passed Clarence his birthday present. Initially, I feel awkward talking to him. Later, the atmosphere managed to soothe down and we ate and talked at the same time. So funny! He looked different, also. Perhaps more studious, I should say. A pair of spectacles does make a big difference. Bingo! I’m still left with people whose birthdays are coming, including my lao di and lao guo. (( :

I wrote to Alvin, too. It feels good to have a local pen-pal. Sounds silly, right? But.. it’s so cool can. Hehs! At least, we can still keep in contact. That’s wonderful. Lol. (( :

The East Coast Park beach clean-up is next Wednesday. Wa.. it’s really fast. I’m glad I have the numbers. If not, it’s like so embarrassing if I messed up this event. Oh man. Groan. ERS is so tiring. Oh gosh! Groan*

I’m meeting up all my friends, now. I really really miss everybody. Oh my lord. Haha! I miss my grandparents too! And.. those Muar friends. Oh man. Please bless everybody around. Till then, let me manage my time properly. Wish me luck! Wonder how attachment will be like? Blink*

Phew..

My flora lady

2006-09-21T09:34:00.000+08:00

'Florence Lee Suey Khee'.

The first impression you gives me wasn't a good one. But.. i was right and wrong. Throughout those 2 years in the lower secondary stream, you have proven me, likewise and otherwise. And.. that's when I started to realise what kind of person you are. You are indifferent. You do not copy blindly. You want to do things in your own stride. You have style. You have personality. Of course, you have unique temper. The era you produced made people be aware of you. The rate of rejections are high. You chose to saty away from people.

However so, I saw your true inner self. I admit I was quite scared of you initially. You are the typical bad-girl. You also have the so-called bad influence and teachers have warned us to steer clear of you. But.. how could they do these? I mean.. you have weird behaviours, at times. But, you never mean any harm. You are kind by nature and know what you need and have to do.

That's what I like about you. That's why we are friends, aren't we?

All along, I have been learning from you. You are always levels higher than me. You have this sense of mystere nobody can neither touch nor understand. I don't know what I am to you. But.. to me, you're super! You have been the most finest friend I have ever had.

Florence Lee Suey Khee is a friend whom I always cherish.

Ever since the departure of O levels, we have been going in differerent directions. You - in the working line. Me - hovering between cca, school and work. We have various roles and jobs to play. We have got to finish what we have to do. Yet, I'm glad that at least we are still bothered and managed to find time to meet up and have real cool talk. I always miss you. Really. Sometimes, when I feel like crying you will be the first I thought of. I wanted very much to tell you my everything in life. I want to let you know about life, parents, brothers, friends, work, cca, school, studies. love, relationships and as such.

Yet.. sometimes we can also be so distant. I mean I know you are like this. Cos.. i've always been repeating myself and I do, get on your nerves at times. Often, I confessed to you about how I felt about the friendships and other parties. Honestly, I'm jealous of Hariz and gang. When they came in when we were in Secondary 3, I knew they were trying to steal you away from me. Next, came along Bo Chen and Zhen Lin that gang. They are yet, another rivals.

Haha.. i know i sound childish here. But, i'm both petty and jealous. After all, I knew you first. Why are they all flocking to you? Initially, that's what I thought, la. Up till today, I still tend to feel like that soemtimes. I know it's kind of absurd for me to say so. But.. i know you get it and understand what I really mean. One person can have various clicks. You have your own and I have mine. It's like I cannot ask you to like my Ninjado clicks. And.. you can't ask me to be very close to your own clicks.

Right?

Sometimes, I'm very blur. But eventually, I will get it. I need time to slowly generate all my thinkings. Unlike me, you are more stable. Your writings have always been great and special. I don't know if you have noticed it or not. But.. if you were to write a book of what, I will buy. Cos your writing style suits my taste. Seriously, no jokes here. Flora lady, buck up please! Have more faith. You can do it man! (( :

Being called an auntie is a norm. I have been called countless times by either customers or my friends. Groan* That's really an insult, excluding the joking times. Just yesterday, a lady in her early twenties called me auntie when she queued up to buy her food! Oh my lord. I hated her for that. She sucks. LOL. Who call I looked like a typical auntie with stupid looks? Anyway, I'm working in such a 'traditional' place like Food Republic. It's ok girl. No worries! I'm always with you. Flora lady and grumblymon are never apart. Yeah? (( :

Actually, I don't know how you really feel, right now? Cos.. i'm not you. And, I'm not in your shoes. But given me, I would rather go school to study than work. Having education with knowledge is better than hardships with money. In Singapore, it's important to have certificates and money. Since the past, it has always been like this. I know you want to study, too. But.. you need to save up first, right? No matter what happens, I will be there with you. Please share with me whenever you are down. My handphone is always here for you. Even now, I miss you greatly. I hope you are happy in life and at work.

Next, I guess this is rather personal. Till now, I still feel a little guilty. I know of your kind intentions to match me and Clarence up. If he wasn't your cousin, I will never feel so pie sae. I feel I have let you down. But.. i guess we are better being friends. I do not feel like him. He has better tastes and choices. I wished him all the best. This is just a relationship problem. Sometimes, I guess it's just not so convenient to talk about BGR stuffs. Yeah? You might also feel awkaward talking to me about your encounters, and as such. So.. just talk if you feel like. If not, keep to yourself. (( :

But you and me, we are still the best buddies ever. Yeah? With Mui sama and Jojo! (( :

I hope that everybody will know what they need to know, in future. Our dreams and ambitions.. that's our greatest desires. Cheers, my flora lady! Have more confidence. I will love you ever more! Great hugs. I'm working harder now. Muacks! (( :

In conclusion:

Florence Lee Suey Khee is still a friend whom I always cherish.

Je rëve de toi!

2006-09-13T16:23:00.000+08:00

I told myself this. I reminded myself all along. I totally forgot that I have a soft heart. I tend to feel sorry for them. I can't help fending for others. I realised that I ain't possible to be somebody who is impossible.

Somehow, this is a joke.

I feel like laughing. I feel like yelling. I feel like kicking. I feel like vomiting. I feel like drinking blood. I feel like licking dirt. I feel like doing all sorts of things. And.. i feel that I'm just a weirdo. I'm eccentric like before. I'm a bomper.

Droughts depicts the poverty. But.. what about me? I feel like a lump of shit. I am moulded into a pile of treasures, being rewarded to my parents. LOL. And.. i felt that they deserved more, instead of this. Last night, I watched a Buddhism teachings VCD. I found that something is really wrong with humans.

Life can be simple if we think it's simple. Our thinkings play a crucial role in our daily lives. Many times, we decide our own fates and paths. We are individuals. And.. of course, we are unique. Woohoo! (( :

For the first time in my 18 years of life, I left the Senoko Incineration Plant Visit deeply inside my heart. It was smelly. But.. i learnt loads. In conclusion, the trip was a fruitful and unforgettable one. I will never step into any of such places, though. It's not my type. (( :

Suddenly, people around me are all getting happier and happier each day. My life is as usual; neither boring nor interesting. At least, I have a goal now. My visions for the future are also clearer. Thus, I'm luckier..

Mama has been sick for days. Yet, she is still slogging hard. I felt guilty and hope she will recover immediately. Papa has been stressed ever since he worked with Kiwi's papa. How I wonder these conflicts arise? I'm still keeping my fingers closed everyday. I want him to be happy and hope nobody will cheat him, again. Eddy just got back all of his common test results. He flunged to my expectations. He only produced a pass in English. And.. i'm like, 'what'? He even failed Chinese. Hmm.. how can I save him? I just pray that he will stop thinking of mapling each day. I want him to do well in studies and hope this isn't too much to ask for. Guo has been working and rushing to chalets here and there. At home, he will be facing the laptop, like usual. I seriously hope he has goals and can think maturedly. Twenties for a polytechnic student is really not recommended. Furthermore, he has yet gone through NS. And.. me, myself has started working. Slowly, I'm not so active and concerned about ERS. I just wanna earn more money when I can. I wanna save up.. Woohoo!

Many things await me when this upcoming semester commences. Results will be out on friday. Oh man. Groan*

Schedule will be heavily packed. I need to chill and chill and chill. If not, I will die and die and die. And.. i must be happy and happy and happy. I have thought of the things I need to do and buy. I must differentiate between reality and material world. Times have changed. (( :

Let's just hope for the better!

A long rest

2006-09-10T21:50:00.000+08:00

It has been ages since I last stepped into that place.

However so, I have invaded into that sacred territory for more than 5 hours. And.. I was earning bucks for myself. Isn’t that great?

I used to swear and curse. I really dreaded going to work for those same causes. I didn’t even want to see him of her. Yet, I find people licking all the way up. Somehow, being an apple-polisher is a norm. But, why?

Honestly, I don’t give a damn. This is ridiculous. I’m neither a slave nor dog. I find no reason to degrade myself to such an extent. Look.. I’m not being angry, right now. I’m just so disgusted by the true colours of mankind. It’s as disappointing as ever. I felt satisfied as soon as I have had done all the things I ought to do. The rest are really redundant.

Those humiliations all along I have faced encouraged me even more. I have learnt to stand up after falling down. I can’t just keep relying on people. I have hands and legs. I even have a brain, to my surprise. So.. why should I worry? Actually, it’s really crucial for one to take things at its stride. If not, sufferings will haunt the era forever. Having ups and downs make someone grow up. Life is never perfect. So, people should wake up at this instant.

That’s for work and school.

Now, I have thought some other matters. The camp was overall a failure, to me. But.. like I say, I’m not worried or troubled at all. Cos I have learnt many things. And if I were to be given yet another chance, I’m sure I will do a better job than before. At least the reality has sharpened me and propelled me to face the harsh, solid truths in life. All along, I have been dreaming. I’m a slacker. (( :

Unlike the past, now I know who I can look up upon to. I know who the ones who really care for me are. I know who the ones who can make me smile whole-heartedly are. And.. I know who the ones who can make me drop tears are. In conclusion, I cried 2 hard periods for this particular event. Right now, the peace prevails. Everything is alright, again.

I have thought of the amount of money I have wasted. The more I concentrated on my cca, the more I lose out. Reality is just so real. Money isn’t really that important. Yet, the value is also vulnerable. In life, no money means no life. Nothing at all. Also, I have not been training for months. My personal training spree has halted ages ago. I’m so ashamed.. blush*

Time will prove. I will be as healthy as before. I can be as cheerful as before. All I need is yet another glimpse of hope from my family and friends. I’m eternally grateful that at least I’m much more fortunate than others. It’s alright to live in a car. It’s alright to not have a car. It’s alright to have 5 people sleeping in a room. It’s alright to baby-sit for household expenses. It’s alright to work 7 days a week. It’s alright to be bullied by others. It’s alright to treat others. It’s alright to get lost. It’s alright to cry. It’s alright to shout. It’s aright to be fat. It’s alright to be simple. It’s alright to be you.

Sometimes, people around me speak in unpleasant tones. However, if not for them, I will never be optimistic. I’m glad to have those people around. Today, I still have many different clicks of friends. Yet, I’m elated to learn that I have value and am a somebody, someone will cherish a lot.

I feel damn lucky. (( :

I begin to like those people more and more. I hope everybody will be happy. I hope the storms will soon be over for the heartbroken. I hope that everyone will be able to find that key to open the door inside their souls.

One day, they will. Trust me..

What would you do?

2006-09-09T10:47:00.000+08:00

A friend forwarded this to me. And.. i think it's really worth reading.

Happiness is not so much in having as in sharing. We make a living by what we get but we make a life out of what we give.

"A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard..

His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle, fascinated by its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages.

When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital. He died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how she was going to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.

And.. the question is: What were the five words? What is the implication of this story?

Answer..

The husband just said "I am with you, Darling".

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened. No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child.

What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.."

So.. if everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

Moral of this story: Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way, we miss out some warmth in a human relationship.

That isn't worth at all..

Often, I would hear my papa ranting at my mama. He gives me this impression that he blames my mama for everything. But.. i know that's his kind intentions, after all. He never meant any harm. Never. It's just a manner he expresses out his thought. He is always caring and loving everyone of us in the family. But, he doesn't like to show them out. It's alright. Yeah?

I know him. And.. he's the greatest father ever!

Alvin Cheang Kum Ho

2006-09-02T19:09:00.000+08:00

My fresh ideas seem to run out. And suddenly, I thought of him. And I said, "Why not I write a story about him?"

And here I go..

It has been ages since I last saw him. Alvin had been one of the most serious guy I ever met. He was a fun-loving chap. He can make me laugh and smile. And.. he used to be my everything. If I'm not wrong, Alvin is a Singaporean. His father is from Hong Kong and his mother is from an ang-mo country. That explains his surname. Currently, he's pursuing his Media & Communication diploma in Singapore Polytechnic.

Alvin is a skater-boy. He's also great in ice-skating. That's his most superb skill I guess. And.. he had a band, called 'Orange Socks'. He should be the guitarist.

In the past, Alvin was really nice to me. Seriously, I can’t really remember how we met. I just know that the 2 of us have had been classmates for an entire 2 years. Throughout these days, we argued most of the time. Alvin was sitting directly in front of me.

I guess I was indeed too childish, then. We often ‘fought’ in a sense. But.. i should be the one who is always hitting him all the time. Poor ‘Alvin’. Often, Alvin would turn his back around and tease me. If not, he will talk or ask me Mathematics and Chinese questions. We are 2 noisy kids. We had dirty talks. We talked everything under the sun. we were just 2 innocent children who had are as carefree as birds. However so, I’m the temperate one. I would often cry or get angry in class with him. He will forever be the one to comfort me when I did not do well for my papers, when he himself did not do very well, either .

He drew on my book. He pinched my cheeks. He joked with me. He sang to me. He ate with me. He was the best companion ever I should say. There were still many other things but I can’t remember. All I can say is those 2 years were sweet memories I will keep forever.

Alvin Cheang Kum Ho is a friend I will never forget.

All these change overnight when he told me he liked me. It was at the end of Secondary 2. Initially, I was shocked. I mean.. why? He had better choices and other girls like him too. So, I rejected him. 2 reasons.. first, I just broke off with Ho Ken, his best friend then. Second, I don’t want to play with his heart.

Even so, he was still as nice as ever to me. I was a princess, then. Until Secondary 3, I decided to accept and start all things over. I did try and we had blissful months ahead. Then, he was sweet, gentle-man and caring. I like him for his everything. I never thought a guy could treat me so good. He still drew and wrote poems for me. That’s really more than enough. Furthermore, I can sense he liked me more than I liked him.

Thus, the better he treated me, the guiltier I got. I didn’t know if I really loved him. Somehow, it was a joke that heaven has played on me. Actually, I couldn’t really accept him as I wasn’t even ready. I couldn’t forget Hao. Yet, I still got together with Alvin. It's very unfair to him. Indeed, I was very selfish.

For what, I do not know. I have no idea why am I like this. I have let Alvin and Hao down. I seemed to be a traitor. A big one..

In the end, I still broke off with Alvin. I knew he was very sad. But, so was I. But, I guess he never knows. He will never know cos I have never told him my true feelings before. 2 of his best friends even shouted me nasty names after learning our break-up. I think he misunderstood me. Still, what more can I do?

Nothing..

Even though we had broken off, Alvin was still as nice as ever to me. It’s as if the 2 of us were still together even we were not. I’m just stating my opinions in my own stand. Perhaps what he felt back then is different? We will never know.

I was such a swuay-ku. My first Sakae Sushi trip was with him and I got addicted ever since. Also, he taught me Physics and I managed a C6 eventually. Woohoo! But, that’s in the past I guess.

Somehow, I still feel that Alvin likes me and he still likes me more than I like him, then. Yet, I still kept away cos I didn’t not want to hurt him with my fickle-minded mind. I need to get over my own haunted past first. I had to. Occasionally, he will sms me ‘weird’ things. I got the hints but pretended that I didn’t. I was in chaos. Or maybe I really did think too much.

Today, I wonder if he will remember what he told me back then. He said he would wait for me.

Honestly, I mark his words deeply in my mind. I told myself to faster get done over with my grief. I can’t keep Alvin waiting, then. After O’ levels, I didn’t contact him. I was busy working and earning big bucks. And.. it was then that I lost him, completely. I didn't even know. Eventually, he got together with a skater-girl. She was from Crescent Girls’ School.

I didn’t know all along until I saw him in Millennia Institute during my first 3 months. She was in National Junior College, then. Instantly, I was filled with disappointed when I learnt it. I mean.. why was I the last to know? Why was he with a skater-girl? Eventually, Alvin even became a Christian and had opened a blog. It was very surprising that he became a Christian. He never used to trust God at all, back then. Yet, now he became a Christian and I think part of the main reason is because of her – that skater-girl.

I felt betrayed. Everyday, I would pray in silence that the 2 of them will break off faster. They will never last cos I personally feel that Girls’ School girls are those typical flirty types. I know this is a dumb stereotype I have. I just hated her. Secretly. I also went to look at her blog through Alvin’s blog links. I wanted to see how long they can last. I know I’m very evil yet I can’t help it. I’m very jealous when Alvin called her those cute pet names and waited outside her school gate for her, especially.

Deep inside, I’m very sad. I thought he said that he would wait for me and when I was ready, he was already gone. He had chosen to let go off me and find somebody else. Alvin did that.

Alvin was gone, right in front of my eyes.

I took initiatives to ask him out too. But, he’s always not free then. Oneday, he saw me together with Wei Wen, another guy I just knew from the Institute. The 3 of us banged into each other. And.. you know what Alvin said?

“Wa.. new boyfriend, again ar?”

It makes me sad and angry. Then, I got closer to Wei Wen and just walked off without even saying bye to Alvin. I ignored him. His eyes were indifferent. He didn’t even care if I was with another guy or what. I was out of the game. He’s really totally in love with her, that Crescent girl.

The next day, I saw Alvin with his group of friends. He literally asked me about Wei Wen as my boyfriend. I was also indifferent. And he said this.

“Aiya.. you’re like that de ma. You always get crazy when you see boys. It’s normal.”

I was like so mad. What does he treat me as? I merely just want him to get jealous yet he thought I like to flirt with other guys. Alvin Cheang is so gay can!

Then after that, I didn’t see him anymore. It was shortly after the actual release of O’ level results when I see him again. I thought of the days when we had O’ levels papers in the school hall. He would walk up to me and shake my hands and murmured ‘good luck’ to me.

That’s the past, I told and slapped myself hard.

After collecting the results, I broke down and cried. I can’t get into a junior college. Then, I walked alone to a corner and cried silently. Alvin walked to me and asked how I fared. I didn’t answer. Then, his hand phone rang. He walked off to answer it. it must be her calling him. After that, I took a bus home with Alvin and his friends. They were going to Beauty World to play Counterstrike.

Along the way, Alvin did comfort me again saying this and that like an old grandfather like that. Later, I asked him for his girlfriend picture and he showed me his wallet. He kept saying that she’s cute and pretty with nice eyes.

On well..

That’s all I guess.

Then, we 2 embarked on a totally different new journey. I was into Logistics Management in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. He was away, finally. After 4 long enduring years, finally we got separated. Then we always arranged to meet up but aeroplanes were being flown between us. We 2 never got to meet and eat our Sakae Sushi.

Today, Alvin is still into skate boarding. For me, I’m into martial arts and the environment.

Basically, I have nothing more to say. All I can say is..

Alvin Cheang Kum Ho is still a friend I will never forget.

Whatever happens in the future, it’s all up to heaven’s fate. I do not have nothing more to expect. I only wish that Alvin will never forget my birthday and wish me every year, forever. It’s ok that we don’t’meet. But, I really hope that he will remember me.

That’s all.

Alvin Cheang.. if you happen to read this, then good. If not, too bad I guess. Goodbye!

Her job

2006-09-02T01:56:00.000+08:00

It was tough being her. She had to manage all these while. She need to pull herself together, in order to motivate others. She had to be a leader, somehow. She had.. no choice. Sometimes, she thought she was wrong. Yet, she was right.

She had to make her judgement, just like that.

Was she nothing?

No..

Was she everything?

Also no..

So.. what was she? Or rather, what is she? Actually, she also have no idea at all. She don't even know why is she doing here, right now? She felt scared but had nowhere to scram. She needed a break but.. was there any?

The tears tortoured her menacingly. They didn't spared her. Not even a second. She have had to lick her way back; all along the harsh journeys. And.. she was alone. Then, it set her thinking, once again.

It's time for her to pull herself together. She wanted to win back all things. She yearned to accomplished the tasks at the very first moments. She had to be a winner, no matter what and how. Isn't she weird? She's indeed a very frightening person ever.

Chances are never meant to be miss and not taken. Sometimes, one should just treasure what he or she has. It's never a great decision to choose what you don't want. You have to do something that you like. You will not be out there. You will be sacrificed to modify the outside's society.

Enviness overcame her overnight. She had to slogged her way through. She had to make things go worth-well. She must enjoy the walk and stay she had. She will be as pleased as possible. This era is blooming with dispenses. One will be careful. The other will be..

She looked up to herself and talked more. Occasionally, it's always better to be mad. She needed to make it to the point that which and whatever may not be influenced by the outcome of tomorrow's sins. So..

You must be aware.

Really you do..

Freedom or attitude

2006-08-25T18:13:00.000+08:00

Recently, I befriended a guy who accidentally sends me emails. He was a christian. And.. he told me lots and lots about life and reality. Unlike others, God's preachings did not come and go in a forceful way. Somehow, I feel more exposed.

He wrote this:

"Can our freedom to choose our attitude be taken away?

It is an amazing and fascinating book by a man, Viktor E Frankl, who lost his parents, brother and wife through the brutal cruelties of the Nazi torturers and exterminators and who was deprived of everything except an almost meaningless existence. As a long-time prisoner in the various concentration camps, he found himself stripped to bare existence. Every possession was lost, every value destroyed. Experiencing hunger, pain and brutality and every hour expecting extermination, Viktor Frankl found life still worth preserving. What he says is worth listening to as it focuses on the deepest of human problems.

The book was first published in 1946.The passages below are taken from the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E Frankl."

He mentioned about human liberty, humanity, mental reactions of the inmate beings and as such.

The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish.

Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.

When the impossibility of replacing a person is realised, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life.

He knows the why for his existence, and will be able to bear almost anyhow..

Words speak for themselves, in this case. There's still tons that I ought to learn from. I'm glad I have at least more than 1 friend with me to continue walking. I know what I must do, really. And.. it's time for me to pack my things, again.

Woohoohoo!

It's a Thursday

2006-08-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

Today was a happy day. I don’t feel stressed and panic like usual.

Know why? Cos the grueling hours are over. My examinations ended yesterday, in a toll. Finally, I can heave a sign of relief. Honestly, I got a bad feeling that I will not do well. And.. my sixth senses are always right.

But, what else can I do?

Failures are parts and parcels of life. It’s ok, really. What matters more is that I have already tried my best. This is the key question. “Did you put your heart into the things you do?”

This morning, I went to steal a glance at MacRitchie reservoir tree top trail with Derrick. Indeed, I enjoyed myself very much. I would say that I have had an enriching journey. The greenery sprouts me throughout. I like this environment and its everything. Walking was a hassle, though. And.. of course, those ‘creepy’ insects and creatures I have encountered with. Derrick made me learnt a lot.

In conclusion, Derrick Wan and Joyce Lim talked and walked today. One is down with flu and another is dying of exhaustion.

But anyway.. thanks, still.

As I guessed so.. My schedules for the next few weeks will be rather hectic. I hope I will be able to work. If not, I will really feel so guilty. I can’t possibly be spending money when I’m not working. I don’t want to take money from my mama. She has had a tough time, already. I can’t add on to her burdens. Just now, an ex-NP guy called me. He called me down for an interview for a job offer. Wa.. it’s like so nice. Do I have a shinning chance? If I do, am I going alone? I don’t feel like going with any of the girls in T2L1. For what, I do not know. I think I’m trying to outcast myself again.

Haha.

Maybe?

Derrick and Hariz are right. It’s time for me to get a complete make-over session now. They say I look so ‘auntie’ lo. Lol. Oh.. do I? My spectacles, typical hairstyle and poor sense of dressings all contribute to today’s me. I’m so traditional and old-fashioned. Oh man. Groan*

Whatever it is, I’m happy for now. I do not forsee the future. What it takes is my courage to withstand throughout these stormy days. I need to be independent and curb my inflexibity and ficke-minded lifestyle. I just can’t keep getting tired of people around me. I must wake up and make people trust me again. Out of sudden, I have thought of all happy memories I had with people I ever know. Smiles*

Random analysis

2006-08-19T16:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes..

It's always better to not think too much. If not, you will only find more doubts running inside your head. That kinda hurts, doesn't it? Your mind can burst. So, just watch it.

Happy is better than sad. At least, you get that satisfaction feeling. Getting moody 24/7 isn't really going to help much, either. You will feel old and grow fat. That's worse. Nah.. I don't wanna that.

In the long run, one must really cultivate that sense of motivation. Determination proves everything. If you are letting yourself go, then.. So be it. Nobody is going to help you, too. I just read this article from an old magazine, just now. After all, I have been wasting my life all these while. I have spent almost 5 years waiting for a somebody whom I knew will never come back to me, again. I'm just yet, another fool.

I don't deny it.

Actually I know I ought to move on long ago. It's time for me to leash out and embark on a brand new journey. No matter what resolutions or promises I have, I will never make it. Cos.. I have not be able to put down and the past. Never did I. I thought I did.. Yet, I didn't. I knew what problems lie ahead of me. I pretended I don't. I just want to act normal and behave as if nothing has ever happened before, in this life.

I'm not sure about others. But for me, I personally feel that I have went through heaps. People do not experience what I do. The past has always been torturing incidents. I grew up in a place where abnormal people are. I have no friends, let alone void deck childhood buddies. Since young, I need to travel back and fro just to spend only less than 3 days with my cousins and relatives. Singapore is still a foreign land for me. Even back in Malaysia, I'm still in a lost soul.

I'm sure what I'm trying to talk now. One thing for sure, at least I have the right to be stay happy and I will be.

Somehow..

I find it unfair. Why do I get to see so many 'bad' things in life? I know it's good to been through a lot. But, why me? It's really so unreasonable. However so, after thinking a while, I feel it's like hitting two birds with a stone. I grow up and is able to see things at more complex and unique angles in life. Also, if I don't through these, nobody will. I rather sacrifice myself and make everybody at ease. After all, my life can save the universe. I will do it.

Perhaps.. I sound so crap now. I admit it. But.. My face doesn't tell many things. Ya, so what's the point of saying anymore, outsiders? LOL.

Now as I recalled back.. I saw how I fell from the top to the bottom. But, I'm still striving hard now. I never give up hopes. Cos if I did, there will be nothing left for me to cringe onto. A rotten apple is still an apple. I will eat it in case it's being thrown away and wasted. There are still edible parts in the apple. Trust me..

I can forgo everything. Even though I still remembered, I will not bear any grudges. Cos I'm in no position to do so. Maybe people have their reasons to do. It's better to forgive and forget as usual. I don't mind, seriously.

I have already let go. Have you?

Good luck.

My exainations will finish in 4 days time. I need to hurry..

Goodbye.

Paper matters

2006-08-18T16:08:00.000+08:00

Before you could realised it,
I was already gone.
Far, far away.
Never will you find me.

I tried to escape.
And I did stop.
I wonder why.
My heart pains me lots.

You never ask why.
You never look at me.
To me I'm just darn pathetic.
Forever.

Often, I told myself.
I should give up.
I cannot strive on.
Yet, I did.

Tears roamed my world.
Weariness overwhelmed me.
But, where are you?
You were happy with somebody else.

Why must I care?
Why do I feel sad?
Guess it's time for me to go on.
I had enough.

You are gone.
And, I'm still here.
I never left all this while.
Waiting, silently.

Today, I have to say.
I'm getting out.
This game ain't what I play.
This life isn't what I want.

I chose to be with
Happiness.
I will be blissful with a somebody
Who likes me more.

I love the care and concern.
I adore the feelings.
For you, it's just over.
Never brood over a dark cloud.

Be gone.
Just be.
I said this,
I will be happy, I promise.

NEW hopes

2006-08-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I have regained all my confidence overnight. I seem to get and know what I need and have to do. All the things are very visible now. Most importantly..

"I want to thank my parents so, so, so much."

If not for them, there will not be a 'me' today. They mould me and teach me experiences in life. Indeed, I'm extremely grateful to my papa and mama.

Everyday, they will nag at me without fail. I cannot go home after 10pm. If not, they will be real angry. It's like.. There are many things I cannot do. 'Cos my parents don't allow and as such. I understand that often, my friends around will ask why am I so scared and paranoid about my parents' feelings?

Nah..

To me, it is my duty to call back home every now and then. I have to ensure that at least my parents know where I am, especially my mama. Since young, I have not been in good health. I do blame them for coping me all days at home in the past. Now, I get it. So.. It doesn't really matter if I don't go out or what. I'm quite weak and can be easily bullied by others. My parents are simply just protecting me in their own ways. I know what I'm doing. And.. I saw their pains in raising me and my brothers. I must not grumble anymore.

This 'Green Fusion Camp 2006' has brought me lots of troubles. My ears have also memorised many tales of words from my parents. I appreciate all their efforts. I mean.. I don't like them to nag at me whole day. But, at least they bother to take me out into the reality. They make me realised that not every meal is free in this world. One's potential has yet to be unleashed.

I know it.

I just do.

Thank you so much, once again.

Life phobia

2006-08-14T19:14:00.000+08:00

Since young, I have always been an extremely 'panicky' girl. There was never once I can manage to calm myself down. I'm just - forever 'kan chiong' like a spider. I know I should stop. Yet.. I just could not help it.

The truth is, I get scared easily.

I can't accomplish big things in life. ‘Cos I lacked that x-factor which is.. My self-confidence.

I keep feeling that people must be laughing and joking behind my back. I can’t stand up for my own rights. I can’t speak on my own. I need to have somebody to ‘pei’ me all day long. I’m just as useless as before.

Maybe.. I was never useful.

Or at least, I guess so.

I simply hope that miracles will happen, somehow. I want my leading troops to win the battle. I want to have the ultimate victory and success. I yearn to be yet am I?

I keep saying ‘after exams’ all the time. Honestly, that’s just one of my convenience excuses. I didn’t have the courage to face myself. I can’t afford the failures in life. I must be perfect all the time.

I was wrong.

I knew I was. Yet.. I told myself I wasn’t. I keep escaping. I try to avoid the facts of life and reality as much as possible. I was a great liar. I had the aspects to be one. I mean.. I’m one, ain’t I?

Studying is hard. But, it’s never easy to jungle between more than one matters in life, at the same time. I’m stressed out. I’m completely drained, I should say. I feel like crying. I feel like killing myself. I just banged my head and it was pain. Sometimes, I like to torture myself, physically. The pain rushes me back to this era. I love to taste all kinds of pain in life. I like to abuse myself, verbally and physically. It makes me feel more like a human being.

I know I can handle. But, I just need more time. Who is going to give me that? Who? Tell me who?

One word – ‘myself’.

Weak and sick

2006-08-13T18:58:00.000+08:00

Yesterday..

I was happy. I enjoyed myself very much at the BBQ. Also, the 'fireworks'. It's been ages ever since I went out with Hariz and gang, too. Thanks guys for everything. I didn't know taht Singapore can be so beautiful and 'crowdy' at the same time. It was really the first time I ever walked so fast and saw 'so many' people. That was so.. Whao. -.-lll

Regarding the 'from-head-to-toe' makeover and 'self-esteem' workshops highlighted by Hariz, I will consider it, though.

LOL.

Today..

It has been a terrible day for me. How should I say? I'm like actually.. Studying? Honestly, I can really enjoyed studying. If not for other commitments.. If only I'm saying. My sixth sense tells me that something 'bad' is bound to happen. I must be aware. Seriously.

Is my asthma coming back?

Or am I too stressed?

I have not been feeling too well for teh whole today. My heart keeps subcribing me with pains. The centre is not really functioning well. Somewhat, I have difficulties in breathing. I can't breathe in too deeply. 'Cos my heart is in pain.

I'm scared.

Why am I feeling like that?

I think I'm too stressed with ERS club and it's deteriorating my pink health. Already, I have been losing out in my usual stamina. Now.. It's worse. I hope I will be better. If not, I will really break down.

I need a rest.
PLEASE..

Aha I'm back

2006-08-12T13:37:00.000+08:00

Somewhat, today is a beautiful day.

I feel lighter, also.

I have settle down quite well.
Thank God.

Thank Mama and Papa, Alvin and Edison.

Last but not least..

I realised if you calm and steay, nothing will hit you down. Oh, I get it now. Ahem..

F U C K *

2006-08-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

Today is an especially 'fucking' hardcore day.

I have no mood.

I just to get the numbers to confirm. I think I will quit ERS after accumulating 72 points. I missed ninjado lots. Darn to some people who think that they are so noble and great.

One word, though.

FUCK IT!

My face

2006-08-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

I just realised something..

I have got this face that don't depicts my life. In short, I got a face that does not show what I have been through. Or rather, what I'm currently facing.

Indeed, life propels me till never-ending.

Right now, I just left 3 papers to go. In the meanwhile, I must keep the camp routines in order. If not, everything will go berserk. And.. I will be on hot wheels, like before. Oh darn it. Life is just as sickening as a stray hamburger. Lousy like shit. Smelly like toufu. Yucky like my foot.

Also, I wonder if I have a real 'big' mouth. It seems like I'm talking too much. I don't wish to let other people intrude my life. I want to be normal. I don't want anyone to understand me more than I do, myself. This is me. I'm myself. That's all. I hope I will just stop talking about anything of myself to others.

Seriously..

I need to put a stop to this.

Can somebody please kindly pass me a masking tape to seal me up?

Please.. I beg you.

I need to take a leak. After that, study. Tomorrow study. The day after tomorrow still study. The days ahead are all pre-occupied with study-ing-s. And.. Nothing more. In the meantime, there's more to meet than an eye. I shall sneak my schedule to you a little, my dear diary.

11 August: An appointment with NP NTUC childcare principal/ submission of LCOM report
12 August: BBQ at West Coast celebrate Linda's birthday
14 August: Linda's birthday/ NP SDAR meeting/ Study with Ryan
15 August: han Lun's birthday/ Samples t-shirts for Eco camp 06
21 August: QLA examinations
22 August: OPCS examinations
23 August: My LAO PA's birthday/ IMGT examinations
25 August: Repair handphone/ Sample trail walk at MacRitchie Reservoir with Han Sheng for Eco camp 06
26 August: NP ERS big nature walk
27 August: MDE musical fountain at Botanic Gardens
28 and 29 August: Helper for MDE events
30 August: Oliver's birthday/ Facilities check (ERS August)
1 September: NP NTUC childcare one-day workshop'
2 September: Represent NP ERS for SMU national seminar talk
5 to 6 September: NP ERS Eco camp 06
8 September: Joannie's birthday
14 September: NP ERS beach clean-up (ECES/ EES)
18 to 20 September: LMGT T2L1 class chalet
22 September: Clarence's birthday

That's a brief detail. Looks like I'm going to be busier and busier. Time allows no flaws. Now way. I shall not be bowed down by fate. I'm strong and will be in the future.

FATE! You shall not succeed in killing me. This time round, it's GAME-OVER for you. Go and kiss your ass man. WAHAHA.. ;))

Did you wonder why

2006-08-08T20:16:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow's gonna be National Day. Singapore is turning 41 years old. Indeed, time flies. It really does. After all, 18 years has passed for me. And.. It's going to continue on and on. Forever. Never stopping.

Yet..

I'm fretting over all those unneccessary stuffs, right now. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what else can I do to help myself. By right, what I should be doing now is - 'study'. However so, I just isn't able to put that as my top prority. I'm so fucked up inside out. I'm so amazingly pissed throughout. Somehow, the steams managed to fumble my emotions out. I'm turning nuts soon.

I think I'm darn - fake. This is the hateful side of me, I guess. Or at least, the reality has proven itself. I can be extremely nice and good to someone. But, the moment I turned around, I can be a different person. I have spilt personalities. I dislike myself so much. I never wanted to harm anyone in anyways. No no. It wasn't my initial intentions before. But, why?

All I learnt in life now is.. I have to pose and not be my true self. I felt helpless. Time and time, I told myself to change for the better. But, I just can't get rid of the guilty side. I slip and fell all the time. Am I really that useless? Isn't there any hopes for me? Can anyone please tell me why? Why am I so fucked up?

I know I'm so vulgar nowadays. But, I just can't help it. I can't stop myself from keeping quiet. The silence ball has broken into pieces long ago. I can never keep my cool anymore. I'm just so.. Not myself, anymore.

Nothing more to say.

Am I so despicable?

Am I boring?

Am I so irritating and shameless?

If not, why do I feel I'm? Tell me..

I know people comfort me for the better. I also know that friends who care really care, unlike those hypocrites. Really.. I'm just so stressed now. I'm actually listening to all the songs in the media list now. Normally, I keep switching songs. But today, I'm actually not bothered. I'm such a..

Honestly, I'm happier in Ninjado. At least, I still get to train myself. I like martial arts but maybe not to the extent of Quan and Wei Xin's. I just like joining activities and doing things that I like. I know I don't look like one. But you know.. I'm really keen in this. I

I do also like nature and the environment. I appreciate the green very much. Thus, I hope to influence people around and make them like the nature like I do. I jolly well know that the things I do and like are quite rare. Often, I hear people saying I'm weird and eccentric. I'm just eerie to them. But, do they really know me? If yes, what then?

Derrick told me this. He says that I should do things that I like, and not things that I'm supposed to. The key word is - happiness. I know that. I really do. But.. Am I happy now? I would say yes and no. Somehow, I'm quite lost. I don't really understand life. After all, Í'm stranded alone on this big island, alone. Deep down, I'm just so scared. I look tough. But, I don't admit that I act tough. I don't want people to know the weak side of me. No..

What makes a club or organisation is the main committee. The other members come next. So, tell me what to do. I can't get in touch with most of my main committee. It appears that I'm doing most of the jobs in the club when I'm just a Human Resource Head. That's my post, get it? Look.. I'm not so greedy. I don't like to fight for credits. I'm just merely doing things to stop the SDAR management from closing down Environmental Rangers Society (ERS) in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. I want this club to continue. Really.

But.. Who can I work with? The remaining 'committed' members are me, Han Sheng, Christopher Choo, Christopher Chin, Natasha, Shi Ya and Wei Tai. Han Sheng, Shi Ya and bothe Christopher(s) are in year 3 and they are going off to attachments between September to October. Natasha, Wei Tai and myself are currently in year 2. Natasha is always busy with her own stuffs. She claims she has to work during the holidays and she's involved in other sports events. Nah.. She's just too busy for me. I can't contact her, let alone a meeting or work with her. Wei Tai is a rather nice guy, as a friend only. But.. If I were to pair up and work together with him, I will die. To me, he's petty, stingy, fussy and bad-tempered durind cooperation. I wonder did I think too much. And have anyone noticed my 'change of mood' suddenly? Ya.. Cos of him.

Is there any difference between a LSCT and SOE person?

If not, why is Wei Tai so demanding? I know he had personal conflicts with Han Sheng. He's only the vice-president. Han Sheng's the president. He's more influential. Yet, I don't get what Wei tai really wants. He seems to be the only person who thinks he's smart and noble. Actually, I think quite alike with Han Sheng. The ideas that Wei Tai proposed for the upcoming events is just so unnatural. He's so constant and demoralishing. I don't like. >.<

I wonder why Ninjado don't have so much these kinda of things, in exception to the John and Gerald's incident. And also.. Why is Marky Cheong so different from Wei Tai? He's much nicer and easier to communicate. I seem to have generation gaps woth Wei Tai. Han Sheng's 7 years older than me, yet I find him more approachable than Wei Tai.

Again.. I wonder why?

Bee Sim and Dawn are also nicer.

Hai.. What's wrong with either MDE or SOE? And. I think I don't really have a good impression of Ms Maga. I think she's more grumbly than me. And her words don't match with her actions. She says this and does that, instead. I mean.. So what if she's the advisor for ERS? I don't give a darn seriously. Given the old furious me, it will be 'fuck off la'.

She's like darn free. She has no tests or exams. And she's only being put in charge of only one CCA and that's ERS. So.. What's her problem ar? I can't tahan..

Darn her.

Darn anybody who opposes me. Break the hell off my hands and neck. Please just go away, bastards and bitches. Darn fucking shit. Fake off.

I'm only concerned about the events I organised. One word - success. I can't fail any of these. Never. I believe I can. I want to tell my parents to not worry for me. If I can't manage, I will quit and disappear. I know what I'm doing, Mother and Father. I really do.. Trust me ok? I hope this isn't much.

Please.

I'm just saying angry remarks in this entry. I'm just letting out all the unhappy airs here. I never mean to use any 'rude' and 'uncivilised' words.

Believe what you think I'm. I shall stop here.

May the peace prevails inside me soon.

PEACE.

Lim Xue Yan Joyce makes sure that everything impossible is going to happen. She allows no slapping of clashes. She knows when and what to do. She can think. Crowds make her small. Spaces mould her big.

Gigantic.

One last thing

2006-08-06T16:08:00.000+08:00

Indeed, I would say life has an interesting, colourful side.

First, I felt funny yesterday. I had a guy friend. He told me not to fall for him. 'Cos we are merely strangers. Well said. I had that exactly in mind, too. We had barely know each another. I felt weird. Honestly, I think he darn shameless. My deepest apologies if you happen to read this, ya? What I mean is.. What makes you think that I like you?

Fat hope.

FAT HOPES. LOL.

Second, I feel that I'm such a maid. I managed to pack finished my whole clubhouse, with an exceptional of a little help from a friend. She helped me to sweep the floor. I handled all the rest of the hard chores. Last night, I finally sort out the stacks of notes I took from the clubhouse. I can't imagine I really did those.

In fact, I did. No wonder I'm so tired, now.

Third, guess what? Know what I have been doing since this morning? Eh I was.. Typing proposals? I was busy mailing all the ERS members for the upcoming meetings. I was simply doing this and that. Maybe I'm wasting my precious time. Maybe I'm not. Who knows?

If I think I'm, then I'm. If not, then I'm not. I'm tired of hearing my parents nagging all the time, too. I think whatever they do or say are all for my own good, but.. I just can't help it by saying KNN deep inside. I'm sorry but.. Oh well.

Fourth, I'm facing poverty right now. I'm getting poorer and poorer each day. For what I do not know. I'm totally pissed and shut off in school. I really hate hearing Sandy's voice. Once again, for what I do not know. I just know I have to face people that I don't even want. I understand life is unfair and like that. I'm grumbling now but I ain't angry. I'm just tired..

That's all.

Fifth, I keep having nightmares these days. Somehow, I became numb by it. Anyway, Gerry.. Thanks a lot. It's nice of you to even sms me a word of concern. I'm ok. Ya?

Now, weariness is enough to kill me, though. I don't even care to afford to do anything, now. I saw people whom I knew last time. Yet, I simply turned my back away and walked off. Am I right? I just feel awkward seeing them. I pretended to not answer my phone calls deliberately when some of my friends called me on my mobile. I just hate it - myself.

Phew..

Sixth, I'm bombared with crazes and desires. I want to lie back and relax. I want to show the world that I can leave my heavy shell behind, too. I can kill people easily. But.. I'm also a guai guai kid. I can be nice, sweet and polite, too. I'm just so mixed..

Seventh, Wei Xin called me yesterday's evening to chill outside. He said he was going over to Sabah after the examinations. He was going to chiong at his friend's house. So good.. I'm green with envy lo. I also yearn to return to Malaysia, ages ago. Jin Quan will be going New York, too. Ninjado will be quieter, too. Also, Han Sheng will be going China for year 3's attachment. Now, I will alone as the acting President of the club. Oh man.

Darn it.

I wonder when will my carefree life commence? Eh.. When?

>.<"'

Eighth, I watched SuperBand, Singapore Idol and Central Affairs last night. I was busy switching channels. Now, I now who's Paul, Johnathan, Jay and Jasmine. They are the so-called 'popular' ones.. I see. Now, I know. I'm happy that 'Mi Lu Bi' won! Initially, I had actually hoped that 'Lucify' would win. But.. Alas, they didn't. It's alright. I just don't want 'Soul' to win. They are lousy, to me. Haha. I began to feel Season's harshness in the Central Affairs. She seemed to chage overnight ever since she broke her mentor and Charles up, 'indirectly'. She wasn't the old, innocent - herself, again. I understood why. How Jonny stood her up and played her like a fool is more than enough. Furthermore, she used to be pregnant with his child, before.

Oh man..

Ninth, I hope that my handphone bills will not shot up just those previous months. If not, I will really die. I hope pimples will just stop dwelling onto my face. I hope the pores will slim and disappear, themselves. I hope my hair will smell nice and I will grow too fat. I weighed myself just now too. I'm on the border line le. Wa.. I'm must grow thinner and slimmier, someday, somehow. When I got time then see how la. I think I have shrunk again. Wa piang..

-.-lll

Last but not least, I'm going to bath after this. Then, I will makan dinner and start. If not, I will never reach GPA 3.5. I must score no matter what. I can't let that YKK girl look down on me. I know she finds me a pain in the ass. Even though I'm not as pretty as her, my eys are smaller than her, she's taller than me, her eyelids are longer and thicker than me, but so? I don''t give 100% darn. She only affects 40% of my mood. I promise I will strive hard and hit her hard with my grades. I like myself. She says I look ugly, but so? I think I'm cuter and have better figure than her. My prospects are better. She can grope her ears and buzz off, already.

I will not regret my words.

I'm marking them, now.

My ERS events must be a success. First, the camp! I appreciate whoever who wants to come and help me out. Thank you very much. Everybody is so nice. It boils down to whoever you meet. :))

TATA. ^_^

Bad dream

2006-08-03T06:19:00.000+08:00

I had a bad dream.

I just woke up, now.

I dreamt of a crazy woman entering into a lift, with a man and me. She came in later. We were on the 9th floor. She was carrying a plastic axe. I don't really know how to describe it. But, I know that's a Mathematics instrument tool. I just know. 'Cos I had seen it before. Suddenly, she shouted at me and asked to force open the lift door.

She's insane. The lift has yet reached the first floor, la. It's only the fifth floor. And, she had just entered the lift also. So, what was she barking about? I'm really scared. Her bloody shot eyes. Her puffy eyebags. Her astonishing strong sense of body odour. Her menacing bad breaths. They were simply enough to freak me out. I was shivering inside out. My legs were jelly. I wanted to get out of the lift. I need to.

Then, the moment the lift door opened, this woman just used her plastics axe and chopped a man, who is standing outside. The man was both shocked and angry. He tried to hit her and retaliate back. But, I guess he was too slow. The woman kept hitting him all the way and everywhere. She was darn digusting to me. But.. I can't do anything.

At the same time, the man who was also in the lift with me was also very scared. And surprisingly, he also got a similar axe as the woman's. He seems refined. But my sixth senses beg to differ. I had a strong feeling that something bad is going to happen, real soon. I'm like eh.. At a loss?

The mad woman kept shouting to don't close the lift door. She wanted it to be opened at all times so that she could attack the man outside. She is crazy. I can just kick her bloody fat ass outside what. But, I don't dare. I seem to lost all strength. It was then I remembered why was I in the lift. I was actually going across the opposite block to see my mother. She was very ill. Fragile as ever. I had to see her. It was urgent. And there was this woman here making a din now. What the hell, isn't it?

Then, you know what? I think she killed the man. There was blood everywhere. Then, she turned around and stared at us. She closed the lift door, herself. And, the 3 of us were going down to the first floor. I wondered why it took ages. Then, she gave a 'bosong' face at the man beside me.

She said, "Why? You never kill someone before, is it? Stare what stare? Never stare before, is it! Fuck you, la."

Honestly, she was ranting on and on. That was the only clear part which I can hear from her. The rest are just a necessarity of words, characters and sentences. The man was like really to explode at any point of time. He also darn unhappy with that 'bitch'. Then, they started to hit using the axes. I was like in the middle, can. The guy was attacked and he was bleeding. I pretended I never see anything and wanted to scream. I really wanted to get out of the bloody lift. Help!

Then, she stared at me next. She attacked me too. She gave me a hard slash on my shoulders and arm. And she was like.. "Pain or pain? You like blood? I can give you somemore."

I think she's mad. I was like a zombie. I can't move at all. She's darn it. She's a insane loser. She's a mad lunatic. Before I could even say or think anymore, I realised that I was in a car. The car was cramped and messy. The guy was sitting beside me. He was tightening my hands. The woman was driving. And.. I was lost. Why the hell am I doing in the car? And where the hell were they bringing me? I had absoultely no idea how these 2 people are linked together. Then, I saw the Malaysia custom. They were bringing me to Malaysia. But, how?

I don't even have my passport with me, can. Then, I saw a female policeman. She looked familiar. I think she's from our school NRA. Also from Logistics Management, too. She was the bloody policewoman. I tried to send sos to her. I wanted her to help me, But her eyes were like darn.. Cukoo. Ku Ku. She didn't even take notice of me and thought I was fooling aroung. And, the man beside me kept holding me back. All that policeman's fault. She can't even spot my danger. She's incompetent. After all, NRA people like quite useless. Talking about this NRA girl, I think she's looked pretty to me. She's fair and tall yet she carries a bit of 'ah lian' flora with her. She's the most extreme typical 'dao' and 'fake' face I have ever since in my whole life. 18 years. She can just smile to you and turns around, and not smiling. Darn faker. Poser also.

Ok, back to my dream..

I tried calling my handphone but it reached my mother's. I tried to scream for help but to no avail. Oh no.. I can't really recall the whole story. But, I remembered the last part when my mother tries to save me. She was attacked by this mad woman who tried to kill me. In order to protect me, mother actually shielded me all the while. Mother had a very pale face. Her lips were already white and restless. In the end, mother sacrificed herself to save me. I was so..

Within seconds, anger engulfed me. I was overwhemled with streams and feriousity that I never felt before in my life. I did many kicks and gave that to the bastard guy and the fat ass woman. Last, I gave both of them a hard twist at their necks to end everything off. Before, I could even blink my eyes, they were lying on the floor, lifeless. Heck was what I felt.

I quickly ran to my mother. All the hatred and misunderstanding I had for her these years was gone. All I could see was the neglience I treated and repayed her with. I was such a infilial daughter. Never did I once manage to allow Mother's love moved me. I didn't even gave her a chance. After her last words, Mother passed on.

And, I cried.

This is the end of the dream story. Ahem.. Of course, it's true but I will never happen in real life. Yet, I'm feeling something's amiss. It's the seventh month now. And this year is a lunar chinese year. Seriously, I hope that dreams are the opposite of reality. I don't want to think anymore. I'm scared, now. I'm going to treasure my Mother from now onwards. I always treasure her, didn't I?

I'm going to hug my mother now.

Thanks for listening to my 'long' dreams. I know Marky Cheong and Dean are two of the people who read almost all of my entries. Hehs. P.s. Mui sama, I wnated to sms you in the morning. But I had a feeling you are busy. So, I dropped the thought. I got sms you last night. Did you receive? Why didn't you reply? Sorry and thanks.

Regards.

Get those shits out

2006-08-02T22:33:00.000+08:00

Actually, I never like camps.

Moreover, to be the organiser and overall co-ordinator. Eh.. It's like so 'terrible' can. I never expect this at all, before. It's just a shocking piece of shit to me. I have absoultely no comments at all. And.. Know what? I will only be the one who grumbles along the way as I'm doing all these stuffs.

I wouldn't call them a chore.

But the main problem now is: 'I'm really, really very tired'.

This morning, I cried. I talked while strings of tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice wa turning in a funnily manner. I have no strength at all. My mama confronted me, asking me whole chunks of questions which I have in school. To me, school is just as dumb as ever. Sometimes, I really feel it's really a total waste of time there. We learn nothing with those silly brains around.

Honestly, I'm quite pissed. I have this mentality that I will flunk all my modules. It is so evident from all my current examinations. My hopes of getting a GPA 3.5 and above are diminishing. I'm turning dead. Die..

All I want is just a day of silence. Why can't people leave me alone? I really do like to rot, alone. I mean.. It's ok for me. I don't mind. I'm quite used to those loner's style. I'm seriously darn ok. Anyway, I'm not as weak as 'the girls'. I really don't get it. Why are people so indifferent?

This is my blog. I have all rights to let my thoughts wander all about. What's wrong? Get your butts off if you don't like. Please disappear.. I never like to see you people anyway.

I'm thinking, la. Somehow, people keep pushing things or people that they don't like, to me. Neither am I not a tool nor extra. I can't just literally accept things or human beings that appear. I have my rights and causes, too. After all, I'm a real human. I have feelings, too. Oh well..

Sometimes, crying is really good. It makes you feel better. Actually I have got tons of other secrets deep inside. Yet, I don't think letting them make any difference. But.. Crying does. It makes me feel quite relieved. I'm certainly much better, after a long sessions of self-talking with myself and tears-flowing limitations.

I realised by abusing your physically or mentally self is very painful. I can't endure through that. No.. No.. It's just never a yes. Oh my..

My worse record was in fact, crying myself to sleep for a year every night. Those darken 5 years. They made me strong. Nowadays, I no longer pinned like before. I'm certainly much better. I feel better. I can do things better. To me, nothing is a threat. After tomorrow, there will only be a rushing out's powerpoint marketing presentation and a report. Next, 3 more additional major examinations papers. In the meanwhile, I will make space for ERS' public meeting with SDAR and NPSU. Then, NDP comes next. The last one will be Linda's BBQ birthday party. Wa..

It's a bit 'xiong' for me, though.

I'm working things right. now.

After these, I will detailed all of my ERS proposals. Spare me the time limits. I can make it. Pretty please.

JOYCE LIM XUE YAN loves YAN XUE LIM JOYCE.

Forever.

And.. She means it, this time round.

美丽的一天

2006-07-31T19:58:00.000+08:00

今天，我很开心。

因为我昨天终于找到我一直都想找到的答案。

人海茫茫，要找到真诚的朋友真的好难好难。这十八年一来，我学到的东西真的很多。须如此，我一直都想放弃。因为，要走的路真得很长。我也很累。该哭的时候我也哭过了。该笑的时候我也笑了。但，有时我真的很恨我自己。也许吧。

其实，我真的很希望从今天开始，我能够永远永远的很 " 开心 "。我要悲伤和愤怒永远的消失。不知你有听说过这个故事吗?也许它是真的也说不定。

网上流传已久，已经不知道它的出处跟作者很喜欢其中一句话： 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」

倘若你爱上一个人，千万别装作无所谓毫不在乎。错过了，就没有了。爱情，玩不起心理战的。

<树>
高中三年交过五个女朋友，有一个女孩子，我很爱她，却迟迟不敢追, 她没有美丽的面孔，没有姣好的身材，没有撩人的魅力，一个再平凡不过的女孩子。我喜欢她，真的真的很喜欢她，喜欢她的单纯，她的直率，她的可爱，她的脆弱。不追她的原因，也许是潜意识觉得平凡如她配不上我；也许是因为怕在一起后，一切好感都会消失；也许是怕外人的指指点点伤害了她；也许是觉得，她会是我的，不急着为了她而放弃一切。最后这个原因，让她陪了我三年，让她看着我和别的女孩子厮混了三年，让她心痛了三年。她很想当一个好演员，但我却像一个严苛的导演。

我和第二个女朋友在厕所接吻，被她撞见，她尴尬的笑笑说：「Go on！」 然后跑掉，第二天，她眼睛肿得像核桃一样，我故意不去猜想是谁让她哭成这样，嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家后，在教室哭了起来，她不知道练球回来拿东西的我，看了她一个多小时。我的第四个女朋友，一直很不喜欢她，有次她们两个吵了起来，我知道依她的个性不会去惹事，但我还是护着女朋友，她被我吼了一下后，愣住，眼泪滑了下来，我无视她的眼泪，陪女友走出教室，第二天，她依旧嘻嘻哈哈的和我开玩笑，我知道她很难过，但她不会知道我的心不比她好受。

当我和第五个女朋友分手时，我约她出去玩，玩了一天，我对她说：「我有事要对妳说。」

她说：「真巧，我也有事要对你说。」

「我和她分手了。」

「我和他在一起了。」

我知道「他」是谁，他追她也有一阵子了，是个蛮可爱的男孩子，活泼有趣，充满了热情，追她追得满城风雨。我不能表现自己的心痛，只能笑笑地恭喜她，但当我回到家，心中的痛楚强烈得令我无法承受，像有个千斤重的石头压在我胸口，我无法呼吸，想大叫却叫不出来，眼泪竟然滑了下来，我掩面大哭，多少次，我也看着她为了那个不愿承认的人掩面大哭。

毕业典礼时，我在手机上发现了一封简讯，这是十天前，我掩面大哭时传来的，只是我一直没有去开过机。 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」

<叶子>
高中时，喜欢搜集叶子，why？因为我觉得，一片叶子要离开它长期依赖的树好勇敢哩！高中三年，我和一个男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那种好，是好朋友那种好，但是，在他交第一个女朋友时，
我学会了一种不该有的感觉，吃醋，心中的酸，不是一颗柠檬可以比喻，那就像是100颗臭酸的柠檬，酸到不行，他们只在一起两个月，当他们分手，我还得掩饰自己心中强烈的喜悦，但是一个月后，他和另一个女孩子在一起。

我喜欢他，也知道他喜欢我，可是，他为什么总是不追我呢？明明喜欢彼此，为什么不行动？每当他交一个女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打击，让我不禁怀疑，是我一厢情愿吗？不爱我，为什么要对我那么好？他对我的好，已经不是普通朋友可以做到。喜欢一个人，好难过，我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的习惯，唯独他对我的感觉，我猜不透，难道要我这个女孩子去开口吗？

尽管如此，我还是想在他身边，关心他，陪他，爱他，也许算是一种等待的行为，等待他回来爱我，
就像每天晚上等他的电话，等他的简讯，我知道，就算他再忙，也会拨出一些时间给我。这样的等待，陪了我三年，等待是难熬的，是令人想放弃的，但等到的那一剎那，让人第二天会继续等下去。这样的煎熬，这样的痛苦，这样的幸福，这样的矛盾，陪了我三年。

直到三年级下学期，高二一个学弟喜欢上我，每天的热情追求，令我从一开始的拒绝，渐渐愿意挪出我心房的一些位置给他。他像一阵温柔而持久的风，撩拨我这片摇摇欲坠的叶子，到最后，我发现我已经不想只留一点点的位置给这阵风，我知道这阵风，会带我这片伤痕累累的叶子，到更幸福的地方。

于是我离开了树，树只是笑笑，没有挽留。 「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」

<风>
因为我喜欢的女孩子叫叶子，因为她有一棵令她依恋的树，所以我要当一阵风，一阵呵护她的风。

第一次看见她，是高二我转来一个月后的事，个子小小的她坐在球场旁，一双眼凝视着同和我在球场的学长，每天的社团时间，她总会坐在那里，一个人，和朋友，她的眼光依旧凝视着他，当他和女孩子打打闹闹，她的眼中有泪，当他看向她，她的眼中有笑。看她成了我的习惯，就像她爱看他。

有一天她没来，我心中没来由的焦虑与不安，我无法解释那种感觉，除了不安，还是不安，而且那学长竟然也不在。我冲去他们教室，躲在外面，看着学长骂她，她的眼泪，他的离去。第二天，她依旧坐在场边，看着他，我走过去，对她笑一笑，拿了张纸条给她，她先是惊讶的看着我，然后笑笑地收下。

隔天，她拿着纸条出现在我面前，然后离开。 「叶子的心太沉重，风吹不动。」

「不是叶子的心太沉重，是叶子根本就不想离开树。」

我回给她这段话后，她渐渐会和我说话，收我的礼物，接我的电话。我知道她喜欢的不是我，
但我还是有毅力一定要让她喜欢上我，四个月内我告白了不下20次，每一次她都转移话题，但我还是不会放弃，我决定要的人，我就一定会给它追过来！

一直到不知道第几次的告白，出了口，虽然知道她一定会又说到别的事，但还是有一丝丝希望她的答应，没想到她都不说话，「妳在干嘛？怎么不说话？」我对着话筒说。「我在点头。」「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。「我在点头！」她大声叫。我甩掉电话，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了机车，冲去她们家按门铃，当她开门的那一剎那，紧紧抱住她。

「叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。」

那, 你是树，叶子还是风呢?

Thank you

2006-07-30T13:54:00.000+08:00

Maybe you might think you have done nothing much. But.. To me, it's more than enough. You are the ones who enlightened me somehow. I have aims and goals in life now. I hope the world will be a happier place for everyone. But I suppose there are no guarantees in anything. So my fingers are crossed, everyday.

Last but not least, I would like to say 'sorry' to my parents, especially my mother. I hope she talks to me soon.

Mui sama. Florence. Alvin. Derrick Wan. Marky aka chiong. Quan. Xiang. Ryan. William. Dean. Oliver. Grace. Poova. Xin Yi. Tin Song. Soo Hoon. Soon Lee. Joannie. Han Sheng. Kelvin. Huda. Hui Huan. Gerry. Nurul. Yana. Wei Xin. Ivan. Linda. Fu Xian. Yim Wen. Li Khoon.

To a very special person

2006-07-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

It has been a long, long time ever since I last talked to u. So.. How are you?

As usual, life is normal for me. I mean it has always been like this, isn't it? My life does not have much colour days. 'Cos those sweet memories are erased and threw away ages ago. One word - LOL.

"Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and that feels right.".

So.. What exactly am I going to feel?

Beats me.

I believe in you, dear god. I believe in the state and identity I'm blessed with, right now. I'm happy that you blew life in my presence and allowed me to have a taste of living in reality. Many things are quite soul damaging, I supposed. All along, I knew nothing was perfect. However so, I'm just sorry that I can't stay with you anymore. Maybe just for this while? Or rather, forever? I really, really don't know. I'm not sure if you are with me or have always been.

To me, I'm still coping as much as possible. Like before, I'm still living. And.. I have also been fighting hard all my life, every step and inch of the way. There was not a single day in my life that I was not conscious of this inner battle. I have been my own warrior, fighting, choosing to fight, only to discover that I'm my own enemy. I fought against myself and tried not to be me, but above all, I don't believe. I can't even bring up a self-defence.

The burning question is.. Am I really that weak?

I know I have been making the same resolutions all over and over again. I'm also aware that I keep emphasizing on 'inferiority complex'. And.. Once again, I keep repeating myself. I can't help by doing so. It's like so.. Grr, forget it la.

Perhaps I'm most probably diagnosed with obsessive complusive disorder. I'm really one who think a lot. I'm really one who is more perfectionist than others. I'm just so - myself. I keep worrying all day and night. I get panic easily. I'm just so paranoid. Perhaps my character would be witnessed as a weakness or a disease, but I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer make this life livable unless I come to terms with.. me.

I had make myself understand. I have a mission and that is to make things clear to myself. I must be confident of myself. If not, I will never be happy. I will forever and ever be sad. Gloomy days will be what I received. No.. That isn't what I yearn for. Never..

God, you know how hard I have fought. I know a few words to express them. My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of your identity. But I know you hear me when I used to pray to you. I know you hear me when I used to sing to you, or about you. I know you grew with me every step, every inch of the way when I used to follow you. I had hoped that I will not regret this decision I have made.

"I have tried and perserved, now I have lost. If indeed defeat is what I must accept, then I will readily do so, but I will not, and I refuse, to come to a stage where I must fight and in the end only to find that the only way to emerge as a winner is end your precious gift, life itself."

That was the past. Or, when I'm thinking insensibly.

Often, I hear them saying people like me live in a closet. To a certain degree it is true, but I know I'm not alone. I just know. After all, this closet that I'm living in is not so small. I hope I'm right. Really. Even if I'm not, I don't even know if I should care anymore or not. I'm really at a loss, now.

God, your holy forgiveness is imperative for all the indulgences that I will partake in the future. But.. Should you fail to find it in your faith to forgive me, then I fully understand. I won't blame you at all. I mean I don't even have the right to. Perhaps I have failed you, and indeed if somehow you have stopped to love me the way I had always believed you did, then I hold myself to blame. I deserved everything, I should say. I'm the guilty one. I do not expect you to love me still. You are the almighty Lord. I'm just an ordinary folk. Nothing more.

Last night, I had a combinations of weird dreams. I dreamt that I was back in the past, again. I was inside my collections of memories. Eventually, I saw how I rose from level 0 to level 1,000 and back to -1, again. And also, how my so-called friends all walked out of me, then. Hence, I never trust this sentence again, "Never leave me in the lurch.".

To me, it's just a bullshit sweeping statement. It's just a clinque that people use. That's all. It means nothing. There's no purpose and hope in those. So you see God, I'm really living in a much smaller closet tahn before, and now I feel as though the walls are closing in 'cos I realise that, like my those friends, you could turn your back on me, too. Nevertheless, I still have my family. I'm not alone. I'm with you. You did choose me.

I thought lots about where my soul will finally be in the afterlife, but each time I think about that, I realise that I'm here, now. This is all I know. There is simply just fear every time I think of afterlife, but there is also reasoning of what is here and now. I used to have someblody who made my existence less unneccessary. Sad to say, he's not around anymore now. He had given me more reasons to laugh. He had made my happiness more apparent. I was happy, then. Even though it has been nearly 5 years, I have overcome the aftermath. I'm not like you God. I'm just merely a human being.

I just need a bit more time.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine. People smile when they reminisce their good, old times. Maybe, just maybe, I'm so tired right now. I will be alright after a long sleep.

As usual, I have been thinking about many things. Some important, some trivial. I thought about the sky and the ozone layer and I realised that if we don't recycle or do anything; if we carry on with some of our careless acts, we will contribute to the damage in our sky. We will be the dead ones in the long run. I get so worked up when I think about this. In the end, i just dismiss them. I don't know since when did I become so 'environmental' conscious. Perhaps it's just for show?

Beats me.

Oh God, I know I'm being messy here and there. But, I just want to copy and paste all my random thoughts down here. If not, I will go berserk soon. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be able to hold your lover's hand in public. I have toyed with images of me and putting my arms around guys' shoulders in public over a million times. It worked, in my mind, it really worked. But in real life, I shrugged at the sight or thought of it. I seem to be paranoid over relationships. It is not fair. I did not used to be like this. After all, it has been a long time since that incident. Yet, I fails to ward it off my mind. I do feel like crying.

It's like.. I can never be spared. But, why?

Why is it like for me, only? Why am I feeling so terrible now? Why do I have to go throught these? Why? Why? Why?

Again and again, I ask myself, what more could I have done? How do I avoid those misleading thoughts? I'm not guilty. I'm just scared. I just wish, maybe, I should never meet him or anybody else. At least, I will have more freedom. I will be happier, I know. I can't really explain why. I wonder if my presence make any differerence.

My God, my dearest God, if only you could offer more answers. If only I could know what's in store for me. If only there was a way to find out how you feel about me, too. Am I believer of yours? I have no comments on that. You must be angry with me. You must be furious, but what is there to say or do? You know me. You know how I fought. What else is there to do? Sometimes, it feels as though asking for forgiveness is deemed unfair when you know very well what you have done and will do it again is wrong to you. But I'm alove. How else can I handle this? Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I can't help myself, sometimes I don't want to live like this. But I will not look back 'cos when I do, I know that things weren't much better then.

Neither do I regret being alive, nor having you bestowing upon me those unrequitted battles in life. I have to face everything all by myself. I have nobody else to depend on. The time has come to re-evaluate all that I have done and decided. Yes God, I do regret all the undesirable acts I have done in the past, in whatever forms. Only I know what I have done. I shall not speak about them anymore. Once again, I'm before you oh God, I want to return to my life.

I'm prepared to face those obstacles, relentlessly. Smack me right back in guts to make me sure. Mould me into someone I never taught I would be. Pretty please.

These weeks passed like waterfalls. But, I'm really feeling fine. I have learnt lots over this weekends. Perhaps I'm just too cramped up inside my mind. It's time for a rest. I enjoyed myself with Derrick and gang. Somehow, I changed and made up my mind. Sometimes I think the world has gone terribly wrong and I'm a big part of it, of what is wrong. At other times I think I'm only coming to terms with myself and it feels right. It's like.. Either way I lose. But, NO. That's wrong. I can't think like this.

I'm feeling small and sad. I feel my heart diminishing. I cry in moments to come. The main reason is I didn't let myself go. I actually held myself captive for I know that is beyond me. I refused, denied and made me made myself. I gave myself tradegies I cannot withdraw from. So I have decided, with conviction, I want to let myself go, out of my heart and mind. I want to be happy, that's all I want.

Looking back, I can't say that I might have done anything differently, but experiences have made me wiser, and I would like to think that I'm now indeed wiser and more in control of myself and my indulgences. Like, I'm more intensely in touch with my senses. I'm more familiar with myself. I know myself better now. I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm capable of handling.

I sighed a second ago. I have me. That's all. That's ok. That's enough.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I will another love, maybe not. But I know I will be all right, 'cos for me, I'm all that I have. And.. That's good.

That's great.

Torture

2006-07-25T17:47:00.000+08:00

I have decided to write everything in one shot. Now, I know how hard it is to pacify babies. Imagine I had to juggle 2 at the same time? One word - GONER. I think I'm getting old. I keep getting the backaches and strains easily. I just can't get enough sleep. Unlike most others, I usually don't sleep later than 23 30. Normally, the bunking time will be 20 00. But.. Why? Why do I still feel so tired? Seriously, I think I'm dying. Oh well. Anyway, I just realised something. Many of the people around me are also depressed. Why is it so? Yet, it's just so common to have people breaking down now. I mean, it's sooner or later. Could it be the weather? Or the approaching terrifying exams? Or relationships? Or CCAs, like me? Or what? To me, I can't help by feeling weak. I think I need support. If not, I will break all of my remaining bones. I'm just so darn tired. Nowadays, I'm not writing as graceful as before. I used to think that I'm good. Now, I beg to differ. Indeed, there are really other much more rigid and successful writers. I'm just yet, one ordinary folk. "Aiya, never mind la. I'm used to it, le. It's ok." Oh well. No comments. Somehow, I feel like falling in love, all over again. But.. I just can't find back that feeling anymore. I feel numb. Ever since that incident, I think I have become more sensitive and paranoid. Maybe I have lost hope in myself. If only time could turn back.. However so, I'm not sad. I just missed that feeling. I long for those tender care and concerns. I know there's really nothing I can right now. I know that. I'm just trying to express my thoughts out. I think I'm a fool. All along, the olden days I had seem to be dreams. Till now, I have not woken up. I still think that there's no reality. I refused to go back to the present. I prefer to float in the midst of everything. I want to wander around first, alone. I really don't know what I want to do. I'm just a grumblymon. As lovely to my mui sama and flora lady. How I wish I can be together with the one I like. How I hope I can be classmates with my own friends. How I pang for that holiness over our generations. How I long for that speedy recovery of ah gong. How I imagine myself cutting people. How I laugh at my numerous attempted suicides incidents. How I jeer at the cruelty of others towards the weaker society secretly. How I hide my journals and reports of massive killings. How I think I can change everything. All these 18 years, have I been happy before? Have I had things others don't have? Since when did I start to disapprove myself? Why can't I just settle down for my own resolutions? Why am I so weak? Why do I always get abused by myself? Why do I assume people keep starting at me? Why did I allow inferiority complex to hit me down? Why can't I get up when I fall? Why can't I just be myself? Why do I like to complain this and that? Why do I like to inflict on all those bad habits? Why I keep breaking my promises? Why can't I be satisfied? Why must I always talk bad behind other people's backs? Why do I envy others for the things they have? Why do I ask so many questions? Honestly, I have too many untied knots deep inside. I have inexplainable answers. I hold onto too much pain. I can't breath and I'm dying. I have to save myself first. I believe I'm invincible, too. I need to go off now. I'm heading my way to heaven now. I'm creating a space borders for myself. I will need to be a better off human. I will need to. I just need to. I want my mama, papa, sheng and guo to rejoice over me, too. I want to hear claps of goods. I want the bad to lose. Yes they will win. The good will win the war. Forever and ever and ever and ever more. Call me a Fool for a Fool I am and a Fool I will always be In my adolescents I packed my possessions into a bagand set out on a journeyto discover the destiny awaiting me wide-eyed naive a foolish little girl brimming with hope starved for adventure often too busy daydreaming to watch my wandering step dare I lose my footing or find there is no ground to stand upon only space to fall It seems I have beaten you to the punch there is no ledge from which to push me for I long since stepped over its edge Now I plummet endlessly caught in this limbo of a free fall where I learn my lessons the hard way while doomed to repeat my mistakes You burned me but I leapt back into the fire She scarred me but I left my wounds exposed They suffocate me but I am holding my breath and praying that when I reach the bottom of this chasm I will land on both my feet and saunter away from this pilgrimage understanding better the World beyond a Fool’s fate. Life, she took a deep breath and held it Left me standing at the crossroads waiting for the exhale That gale of hers that is supposed to show me the wayShe is turning blue in the facewhile I pace myself into tiny circles of self-doubt It is hard to wait for your queue when you have memorized your lines I am tired of staring at the back of a curtain Act One, Scene One! It is a tragedy we all know by heart The Merry Fool - played best by yours truly is too distracted by daydreams of What Could Beto notice the cliff from which she is about to fall Sometimes, they call that innocence but I am too old for such optimism This is a low budget production There are no stuntmen, no safety nets to save me now Instead, I prowl the borders of a self-made ground zero until the curtain falls and the stage lights pale I am standing at the crossroads of yet another new beginning I am waiting for Life to exhale. Silence. I need silence. I have one of those minds that jump from thought to thought as easily as a bird flies from treetop to treetop. My mind is always looking for a distraction: something to do, something to think, something to write, something to shout. If my environment is full of stimuli than my brain will try to hog every sounds, smell, texture, taste, and sight at once making it impossible for me to focus on just one thing. As a result, I must isolate myself from any and all outside influence in order to write. I need to be alone with my mental outline so that I may form the ideas into sentences, verses, rhymes. Twenty feet of clear floor space. I pace. I pace when I am on the phone. I pace when I am cooking dinner. I pace when I am brushing my damn teeth. When I write and watch out. I will feverishly trek miles into the same twenty feet of carpeting in my living room as I ponder the next verse of a poem. I will walk until I am weary. Then I will sit back down at the computer, reread what I have written, and promptly begin to pace again despite the fact that my legs are sore and my feet are screaming for a rest. I don't know why I do this. Perhaps it's buried deep within my subconscious that exists the notion that if I move my physical being than my mental being will do the same. If I am exercising the body than the mind will follow and I will finally find the perfect metaphor to squeeze into verse three. FULL-STOP.

Mirror my desires

2006-07-24T21:31:00.001+08:00

"No."

"But, why? I mean.. Just a NO would be quite a pity."

"So what?"

Honestly, I don't give a damn. I just have to put all irrelevancy behind my mind. If not, I will collapse. I simply can't afford anymore space. I'm just broke.. I'm left with nothing, now. I will still continue to walk. And this time round, I'm alone.

Nevertheless, I'm not scared.

It's not as if I will die. I can live without any dependant. In the past, I used to be the weaker type. I simply just can't take all the minor blows. Moreover, the major ones. That's the main reason I got defeated, then. But, every story has a new lead to begin, too. I will be the one to start this life's tale. I will not fall like others. I can jump with my own faith and will.

Somehow, Hao's departure made me learnt something. I can't possibly give up evrything, overnight. I had to stand on my own. I had to accept things for what they are; facts will never lie. Also, I must to understand the faces of people around me. 'Cos I ain't better myself, either. All things are possible. If you tell yourself you can do it, I believe you will. Eventually. Although I often find myself contradicting, but this belief has never drift apart. To me, I cherished every lessons I need to cope. My heart has never flew off from my future. I bear that in mind.

Sometimes, it's really you lose some, you venture some. Actually, I will be lying through my teeth blindly if I say I'm not filled with regrets for the things I had done back then. Deep inside, I still had thorns all over. I'm battered bitterly. It's a tremendous pain to lose all your so-called friends overnight. Again, you see? It's just a matter of 'overnight'. I really lose out lots. But.. I don't mind at all.

At least, I'm more independent now. I get to know people who are unique. In my own world, speciality has to be of a certain level. I'm just - happy. Since young, I don't really have any special interest or talent. 'Cos I'm always a fickle-minded girl.

All I know is that, I like Mathematics a lot. I'm not good in that. Eh.. Perhaps just a small range of sectors only? I'm not well-versed or cultivated in music, writings, sociability and as such. I'm just like what I always phrased, - an ordinary plain Jane. I just like to do things that I like. I can fall for things, easily.

I used to think love is a great thing. But.. Now? Not anymore. One will really need to consider carefully. Can you imagine just one single step you take is enough to kill? A guy might commit suicide if a girl rejects him. Guys fight among one another, just to get the girl of his dream. Parents disapprove and couples elope. Sounds dramatic huh? Yet, it's the incredible truth. It's just always something people hate to listen to.

Boys will always be boys. Girls will always be girls. They are not matured. Nobody will. Age doesn't really matter. It's just so.. Right now, there are really so many things for us to picture. Say it. Admit it. Please don't deny it. Oh well.

Ever heard this? "Don't say you love me. You don't even know me. If you really want me, then give me some time. Don't go there baby, not before I'm ready. Don't say your heart's in a hurry. It's not like we're gonna get married. Give me, give me some time.".

Moral: Nowadays, relationships don't really last. People hit on one another after knowing each other without months, shortly. Sex is common. It's just so. People go easy on characters and personalities. What matters most is - looks. That's unfair to the norm. Guys like girls who are big-eyed, long hair, cute, pretty, nice figure, smart, sporty and trendy. Girls like guys who are rich, tall, intelligent, handsome, gentleman, sweet, nice figure and fashionable.

I have absolutely no comments.

All I can say is, I'm still ok. I just don't like guys to cheat on me. Don't say things you can't do. Don't promise deals you can't make. Just don't make me feel - what I don't like to feel. But then again, my main motive GPA 3.5. I can't afford to fail. No no no.

Goodbye.

I love myself 10% more today. I'm improving.

"You're my secret hiding place, where my private thoughts are safe. And, just one look and he will see what's inside of me. What can I do? Tell me. What can I say? When do I let him know I feel the same way? How can my feelings be so hard to show whenI really want him to know? What can I do? Tell me. What can I say? When do I let him know I feel the same way? How can my feelings be so hard to show whenI really want him to know?"

I don't know when to start.

As hard as 123

2006-07-23T11:10:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired.

Sometimes, I really don't even bother to do anything. 'Cos there's like.. No reply?

I realised it's really not easy to be a leader. Moreover, to be a president of a visible club. Even though I'm currently just a lowly Human Resource Head, I can feel the pressure. I feel stressed. The system really ought to change. I think there are limits to one's endurance. But.. People are like just taking advantages of the things that I do.

Worse still, they don't even care.

You think peeople do?

I must understand that it's not a must to join CCA in a polytechnic. People just enter, plainly for the sake of CCA points. It's so obvious, can. I'm really tired. Why don't people just get if for goodness sake? Not everything can be bought with money. Same here, not all events have CCA points. Why can't you just come down for a NO CCA POINT event? Is it that hard? Oh well. I can die to talk to such people.

I didn't expect oo much. I merely want he or she to reply if they are interested or not. It's really so easy. It's not as if their fragile fingers will break by typing a few words. What more about the time they spent on MSN, maple story or any other 'redundant' keyboard activities? It's darn shit man. They should really go and face the wall and think about it. I really can't stand such 'materialistic' people. Honestly, I also join CCA partly 'cos of CCA points. But, I also like the events organised by thta particular CCA or club can.

At least, I'm doing something I like and can get what I want. The sense of achievement and feeling of trying something you have always want to but never had. It's great, really. I enjoyed myself at the NP-Eco camp. Underwater World is really fun and wonderful. Those Pulau Ubin chalets I had with Quan and gang are awesome, too. Ninjado teaches me in terms of mentally, physically and emotionally. Maybe I don't behave as if I learnt a lot. But indeed, I have.

All along, I picked up the leaderships and valuable friendships from others. I have become aimable. I have grown to be more myself. I allowed the society to interact more with me. I really, really learn many, many, many things. I'm thankful for all these. But.. Why? Why are some people just so different? Aha..

Right now, I will have to settle next saturday's event list. If not, I might have to forgo the cycling trip with Xiang and gang. This is so unfair. These days, I realised something. I missed out lots due to ERS commitments. I have to give up many things. I have to miss out those fun and joys. That fall from Ninjado training also leave behind many many aftermaths for me. As a result, I can't do any form of strenous physical activities. I can't even walk at a 'faster' rate. My legs really feel that sharp, acute pain somewhere below my ankle. Oh man.. I can't destress myself like the olden days. I always go and exercise alone when I'm feeling moody or stressed. Now, I juts can't do anything but grumble all day long. I feel useless, you know?

I can't take part in MDE games day. I can't play any ball games. I can't run. I can't jog. I can't sit too long. I can't stand too long. I can't even hop or skip. I can't take any cold drinks. I can't sip any F & N can drinks anymore. I can't eat things I normally eat. I simply can't do loads.

I have no desires, now, seriously. I just want the welfares of both Ninjado and ERS to be excellent. I want my leg to recover soon. I want to do sports again. I want my corn eyes to be gone. I want my kneecaps and elbows to be in good working conditions. I want to go work, again. I want to settle all personal grudges. I want to ensure I get to do the things I want. And.. last but not least, I want to do well for exams.

I want to have a better and happier future.

All the best, to myself.

Today

2006-07-22T14:43:00.000+08:00

I woke up feeling hard.

Recently, I'm really, really not feeling well at well. I get the slightest giddiness. Heachaches keep catching up with me, too. Often, I also feel naseous. Things are really not going right. I keep having mood swings. If you talk to me, I might even be thinking of a plot to murder you. Can you please just shut the hell up?

I'm really crazy.

I wonder what's wrong?

Seriously, I get irritated nowadays. Maybe I''m feeling stressed all over. Or rather, I'm getting tired of life. I keep asking me, ''Why, why and why?".

I'm going insane, soon.

This is very rare. I don't like myself to fly in a temper. It makes me a totally different person than before. As a result, I will be a bloody fiery girl. This is so.. Oh well.

The moment I looked around, I will just spell words under my breathe. One word. Those significantly decorated 'F' characters. I'm just getting out of hand. I'm so darn tired. Everyday, I have to wake up feeling handy. I had to ensure that I didn't forget to do something. I had check my mails at all time. I can't afford to miss out any details of ERS events. I had to confirm if there's any test on the day itself. I had to do this and that. Worse, I had to cover up for other people, too. I always had to help others. 'Cos I'm obliged to?

Friends are friends. Worse still, we are merely just acquaintances. I don't even yearn to see them. It's so darn shit. Sometimes, I really feel like killing every single of the people I don't like. I want to the slyest creature on earth. I want to create a major unforgettable tragedy in Singapore. I want everyone to remember this evil and cunning witch like me. I want to be the most despicable and vemonous character. I want to surplus and rise to the top. I am the ultimate ruler. Everyone shall die before me. They will. And they ought to.

Once again, this is just a facade. How can I possibly do all these kind of things? I just to win the government, too. I want to rule the nation. I want the next biggest shot ever. I want people to idolise me. I want people to look up, upon me. I want and I will. Right now, I am reverted back to the square. I'm not round and I will never be.

Sometimes, I simply loathe the sight of everyone. I'm just too tired to even think of them. I want myself - the one and only. I shall own everything.

I really hope to stop thinking like now. If not, I will be a most annoying person ever. I can forgo all my pride and prevent inferiority complex from overcoming me. But.. Will I be able to? I never expect I will be successful, oneday. 'Cos it's so, so, so hard. I will need tons and tons of time to do that. I will need myself to prove myself. Only I can decide my own fate. I depend on myself.

I have to stop assuming that people are looking at me evrywhere, anywhere I go. I have to stop thinking I look weird. I have to stop thinking that I'm dumb and slow. I have to stop thinking that I can't be famous. I have to stop thinking that I'm fat and useless. I have to stop thinking that I'm unattractive and pesty. I have to stop thinking I'm what I'm right now.

I JUST HAVE TO STOP THINKING THAT I'M MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF.

If not, I will always be a laughing stock 52 weeks or 365 days a year. I don't want to. Other than grumbling, I do have other qualities too. But.. It's just that you guys don't even realised yet.

"Stop hurting my feelings, will you? If not, just scram and take a look at yourselves in the mirror. Please don't drag other innocent parties like me. If you want to die, go and die alone. Nobody will care about the bitches and bastards anymore. Get the hell out. I hope you get a real fucking life out there. You guys might have all things now. But, you are losers. I hate the attitudes and manners of your life. I will stop thinking of you people. Instead, I will be a better person. I feel better after screaming at you all here. This is a private place for me to curse and swear at you."

I just thought of saying all these just now. I just get irritated at those people who think that they are always so pretty, cute or handsome. Call me petty or jealous. I don't even care. I do envy people for having a partner in their lives now. I do envy people for their smart brains. I do envy people for their looks and figures too. I do envy people for their amazing lucks too. I do envy people who have so, so, so many friends.

Just a thought.

I need to let out the inner myself, once in a while.

Tomorrow will definitely be a better day. I will tell myself from today onwards. I have a happy family. I have true friends. I have a character I like myself to have. I'm unique. I believe so. I'm already a winner. Thank you very much.

Stop breeding

2006-07-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

I just had a long, nice talk with Mother. Thank you.

Yesterday, the 2 of us nearly got run down by a van. It was such a close shave. Oh man.. I promised to look left and right, even when I'm crossing a green light. Handphones are never a gadget to use. It will pose danger, indirectly.

I bear that in mind.

Forever.

Recently, I seem to have lost control of myself. My heart overcame my mind. But, I'm indifferent this time round. I'm not going to be like the old - me in the past. Now, I'm picking myself up from where I fall. Afterall, this is life. Why should I ruin it's reputation like this?

Aha.

These days, almost everybody around me my were talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends. Couples just seemingly have to occupy everywhere's atmosphere. One snift and there they will be. And.. Suddenly, I felt this acute loneliness. This is rare. I never really used to bother about it. In fact, I couldn't careless. I'm used to independence.

But today, I realised how stubborn my heart was. It's been so long, and I'm still pinning away for that particular person. Actually, 'pinning' isn't exactly the word I would use. I jolly know very well that the sky has a better chance of turning green and crashing down than anything ever happening. Nothing is perfect. All good things will eventually come to an end.

So.. I never expected anything. Can you imagine? Having your heart so caught up with something that nothing else matters? Having to yearn a person who make you unique? To change a life so much simply by your presence, and you didn't know the extent of it? I guess one will never know how much that is.

Oh well, that's in the past. Ah heck it..

Somehow, my lost thoughts diffuse together to clog up my mind. Thus, this entry has no particular connection to the title. They are neither insights, nor interesting observations. But.. They are merely just my ramblings, while I'm dreaming in my drowning world. Words are amazing. Isn't it?

Honestly, I'm never happy in my polytechnic life. Not even once. I shall not probe much here. This closing semester brings about 1 and a haf year. How time flies.. I still remember myself as the initially curious and active girl. I actually look forward to this brand new style of education.

Perhaps I'm being too judgemental.

Or rather I might be wrong. Who knows?

Nevertheless, I still get a chance to meet nice fellow buddies. Birds need not fly if their wings are broken. They can hop around, though. I have few friends here. Yet, I'm happy. I'm not so greedy. Only the quality matters to me. I stood up at the highest part. I'm obliged to give this place to others, too. It does not really matter.

These few days, I have old boyfriends contacting me. They wanted to patch up. For a moment, I couldn't even remember how they look like. Also, I thought of the olden days. Indeed, I have matured and grown much. I gave myself a thumb's down and ignored those messages. Someday, somehow, one will definitely meet their destined ones.

I believe.

Just now, I cried for an hour or so, too. Weariness really tore me through. I'm bruised tatteredly all over now. I felt weak. I began to question myself as well. How have I lead my life all these while? Is it going to be meaningful in the future, too?

I have no comments. It has been a deception. As far as I know, there is nothing good or bad. It's our attitudes which decides all. It's like all our dream can come true only if we have the courage to pursue them. Till then, our principles must be eternal. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Oneday.

I will.

Actually, I don't even know what I'm talking now. I just know I'm very scared. That's all. What if there's nobody to walk through the darkness with me? I'm really petrified of everything. What am I to do?

Thunder, lightning or pain, I'm just ain't ready for.

Not now, I guess.

Break-up

2006-07-20T08:42:00.000+08:00

My greatest desire now is get my leg well, again. If not, I'll be in dire straits. Right now, I'm already in deep shits. Oh man.

Recently, days have been demanding. I find myself rushing everyday. There are so many things I have to do. There are really a whole tons of work piling right in front of me. Soemtimes, I think I'm suffocating. It's like I can't.. Breathe?

Maybe that's how a leader is supposed to feel. A great leader has to be one, who can overcome all obstacles. So.. No matter who, I must endure. I must do things that I ought to do. But, it's so hard. I really, really hope I can make it in time.

School has been boring. And.. I find myself getting more and more paranoid each day. I get irritated at the sight of some people. For what, I do not know. I just know I get 'pek chey' to even hear their voices. I realised something, you know? Some girls really do like to act cute and pretty. Some even worse. They try to fight and compete with you, indirectly. They simply just want to win you in everything. Oh man.. I surrender.

I will rather walk off than argue with them. I'm so tired. Assuming I'm crude, I will be a fool if I get involved with them. I'm simply washing my hands out of their business. I'm not going to be bothered. It's a norm to have 'funny' people around us. If not, how can the world be full of all walks of lives?

One sentence - May God bless them.

Exams are coming, too. And.. I will be as 'kan chiong' like before. Oh no. Actually, right now, I have no mood for anything. I just want to score in the remaining papers. After that, I will need to work out my cca proposals. Then, I will settle those camps. And lastly.. I will meet all my beloved beloveds.

I want to go kite flying. I want to watch stars, too. I want to do many, many things. I also want to eat sakae sushi and korea's ginseng chicken. It's so yummy yummy can. Oh well.. I just want to do my own things at my own pace during the long break. I guess I will be working again, too.

Time after time, I told myself to wait. I make sure that i don't rush things. If not, my whole life will be in total mess. I have grown up, now. Nobody will be there to clean up after me. I am independent. Yes, I am.

Somehow, I find myself getting lighter each day. I feel light in my heart. Maybe I'm really starting to get enlightened. Woo hoo. That's superb. I feel great. Honestly, this is a beautiful world. I meet people who accept me for who I am. I'm starting to get the confidences back. When I think of these people, I will just smile. Gratitudes simply melt my heart.

I'm learning. I will be continue to be a good Singaporean citizen.

About myself

2006-07-13T08:47:00.000+08:00

Last night, someone comment my entries are too boring.

Now, I will rant on something else then. Let me introduce myself a little. Well, I never thought that my life would be interesting. Anyway, I do find myself becoming boring. But.. It's alright, to me.

Honestly, I have nothing much to say. An ordinary person's life is just as usual. Every morning, I will wake up and then go school. After that, I will either go for meeting or training, and go home. It's a bit boring, though. Nothing much to read about, too.

I'm a teochew. I don't really know how to speak. But.. I know how to hear this dialect very well. So it's like very funny when I often hear other aunties or uncles talking. I'm not trying to eavesdrop hor. I'm not a KPO, either. It's just that I happen to always hear people talk ma. I know how to speak Hokkien too. Cantonese only a bit. 'Cos I think working long hours in dim sum restaurant can make one smarter too.

Lol.

In school, I will just attend lectures and tutorials without fail be it rain or shine. I'm classified under today's modern society - guai category. I don't mind being called names, or what. I just don't like to be absent for any lessons. Furthermore, the fees are so expensive. It will be such a waste if I ponteng like others do. I never allow myself to be led by the nose and walk. I don't follow people blindly.

My academic grades are like so-so. Up till now, the best GPA is only 3.2. I have yet catch up. Like before, I regret coming to a polyechnic. I wanted to go to a junior colledge. And.. The main reason is I didn't do well for my O levels. I also chose the wrong course to study.

Let me see. "Logistics Management". Sounds nice and cool, huh? That's the priority cause why I chose it. Somehow, it becomes the joke of the day. But, I don't deny that. Honestly, I didn't know what course to choose in a polytechnic. 'Cos I have absolutely no idea what my interests are. If you know me enough, you will know how paranoid and fickle-minded I am.

And that's what I am now, still.

However, I understand that the decision is final and I respect God's decision for that. At that time, I was still a christian. Not really say a devoted and strong one, but I still praise God everyday. It was a miracle to know God. HE shows and guides me through my darkest times from my primary to seocndary school days. HE moulds me into what I am today. But sadly to say, I decided to stop following him.

Today, I am a toaist. I have to share my parents' religion. Actually, I don't mind at all. 'Cos I believed only sincerity has the best soultion to all faiths. Right now, I'm too commited to afford any other beliefs. I don't wish to get involved.

We know, you see.

Oh ya.. I have a father who dotes on me a lot. A mother who loves my everything. Though she likes to nag and scold me everyday, I know she's always there for me. In addition, I have 2 brothers who maple almost 24 hours a day. One older, one younger. They are mad, hot-tempered, silly, spoilt brats, petty and irritating. Yet, they are still my best friends. We know how to care for and love each other. Indeed, I'm very fortunate to be in this family.

Unlike friends, some always say they will forever be there for you. But.. As you know, it's all just yet, another convenient excuse. It's easier to be said than done. The moral now is, never say or promise something you can never really do. If not, your beloved ones will be hurt. I do commit this offence. But I suppose I have changed for the better, now.

In life, I don't really have much friends. I'm both an emotional and sensitive being. Sometimes, I think too much. And when I do so, I will become angry deep inside. Normally, I will keep things to myself. I don't want others to know too much about myself. I don't like people to try to think that they understand me a lot. In actual fact, they don't like. Even for myself, I don't really understand myself, much. Sometimes, I will be lost in that drowning world of mine, too. Nobody knows.

Ever since the first lesson I told myself, I will start to be a better girl. I don't want to be like before. I will not use cursed and condemn words like before. I will not grumble too much. I will learn to accept things for what they are. I told myself too, over and over again. Always. I really just want to be a liitle bit better than before. I just have to.

Sometimes, I really hate living in this world. Life's like just one darn thing then we die. It's never a smooth sailing. What to do? What to do?

Actually, I don't find myself attractive at all. Somehow, I'm just a plain Jane. I have neither the looks nor brains or figure. But, I'm happy the way I am now. I won't do anything to change. That's how I'm. My parents gave me this face and build.

I'm neither tall nor thin or fat nor thin. I'm just an average girl with average looks. Ops, I like to stress my words man. No worry, I will buck up and stay cheerful like the old me. Honestly, I think I got big face and nose. My eyes are so small can. And, I got many pimples so my face complexion not good. I think my legs are long but I just can't grow any further. I have heavy bones. Thus, I look fat with those pig's trutters. Muscles are also all around. Haha. My father always say lo. Also.. I got a big, big butt; fatter than my mother's. I don't really have hair on my hands and legs. But, the area around my fingers and toe nails are hairy! Looks like a catfish's barbels. Overall, I find myself got a bit of figure. It's just that I never know how to dress myself up.

Oneday, I will know la. Now, I got no money to doll myself.

That day, I just took out every letters I have ever received in my life. From both sexes. I read through some of them and thought about this. I really used to have a wide circle of friends. Next, I ransacked the whole gift box and found many, many presents I got since the past. Several have got spiderwebs. I even noticed some of them are things I used to like. I didn't really take notice that people actually buy things I want. I didn't even bother to open up those presents. Now then I remember having throw some of them away into the bins, back then.

Even so, in life, I still meet many boys and girls. Till today, I rather have people to like me then to I go and like other people. Perhaps I sound too shameless. But, I'm just saying. I used to think that love is a game. In the past, I used to yearn to be in a relationship. I want people to care and love me. I want to taste the feeling of happiness. Girls confessed to me. Boys told me that they liked me.

But.. What do they really know? How could you love someone whom you barely know? how could you allow guys to touch you all around? How could you have sex before you get married? How could you like somebody of the same sex as you?

I simply have too many burning doubts deep inside. Maybe I'm a good and nice person. That's why people like me ba. Or rather, I have an excellent fate with people. Oh well.. All I wish for is to ask people to stop wasting time on relationships. To me, studies are my top priorities now.

I have no more to ask for.

One friend is more than enough for me. At least I'm something in someone's heart. At least I really got a best buddy in this world. At least I have a happy family. At least I'm still alive and kicking. At least I have what others don't have.

When I thought that I am nothing, someone will give me everything. When I thought that I was dying, someone will go and rescue me. When I thought that I was stupid, someone will knock me to my senses. When I thought that I was fat, someone will say there I go again. When I thought I was sad, someone will cheer me up relentlessly.

I'm contented, already.

Our past

2006-07-12T17:27:00.000+08:00

I am feeling old.

How is our past lives fate being carried into our present life?

A person's undesired destiny can be changed for a better one by destroying the chains from the past that make the future equal your past. But, why is it possible to predict the undesired destiny of many people according with their historical patterns of failure?

The understanding of past lives gives us an explanation why this occurs and provides a way to transform our destiny for the better. The fate brought by past lives explains why such thing occurs. This type of fate usually comes as either vows, pacts and judgments or a combination of those.

As a matter of principle, the present time, the now, is from where someone can determine its future under his real will, and also the now is from where fate can determine the same person's future through occult aspects somewhere in his mind that favor fate. Those occult aspects can be passed from one to the next past lives up to the present one, until we understand their malignant influence and stop them for good.

By what have been described, it does not mean to discard that fate can be brought from the rearing of early childhood, other experiences on our social life after it, and biological inheritance. Nevertheless, fate brought by vows, pacts and judgements practically always has its roots in the inner mind or subconscious; there is the place for all memories from this life and from past lives.
Fate brought by past life vows, judgements and pacts make a person's destiny be determined by fate because of its powerful grab in the occult part of the mind.

Past lives, genes inheritance and the proper parental rearing can leave us well equipped for our life. But in ourselves, this cannot exist without its opposite, which means that there will always be aspects we are not set well for and that leave room for fate to determine our future in specific life areas.

Many of us have done pacts, vows and judgements in past lives. For some of us there may be a problem if those actions have gone farther than just a wording or a just flashed thought, and had been taken entirely into their present and future existences.

The vows of chastity, celibacy, silence, poverty, purity and suffering are examples of vows taken entirely into someone's entire rest of a life; those are defined to last for a life as a limit. But other vows may have no limit up to the end of a life, like the vows of an everlasting love or revenge passing the limit of a present life time.

If a vow is taken with a strong enough will, it may continue over following past lives with no limit in time, without a defined duration. Thus, the fate implied in the vow repeats over consecutive life times. By example, a revenge pact may keep a soul in the revenge game all the time, from past to present and to future, and never stop. Those former vows of revenge and pacts can limit our free will to choose a better destiny instead of the preconceived one. Those pacts or vows mean a firmer grab for fate at every time so as to make part of our destiny compliant with the type of fate that belongs to the specific pacts or vows.

One thing for sure..

One should never treat karma as a joke and destroy it's reputation in a go. No way. I wonder how my fate will be like. Oneday, I will know when I really grow up. Just wait and see.

When you divorce me, carry me out in your arms

2006-07-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

This is a very touching story. Please read it slowly..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So, I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: We had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning, we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But, the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Then, Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs.".

Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just got married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.".

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But, I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "You go and select some furnitures, ok? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously, she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her.

At that moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind, although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would still be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening, she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then, we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day, I said to her in a slightly joking way, "Supposedly we divorce, what will you do?"

She stared at me for a few seconds, without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hints. Yet, she just gently smiled at my subordinates. But, I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, ok? Then, we will be able to live together."

I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate anymore. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.

"I've got something to tell you", I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly, I didn't know how to open my mouth. But, I had to let her know what I was thinking. I wanted a divorce. I raised the serious topic, calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead, she asked me softly, "Why?".

"I'm serious." I avoided her question.

This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!".

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But, I myself could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had already gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me, would become a stranger one day. But, I could not take back what I had said.

Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast.

When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep once again. She brought up her divorce conditions: She didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: Our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?".

This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember.".

"You carried me in your arms", she continued, "So, I have a requirement, that is, you must carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.".

I accepted with a smile.

I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage, romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absolutely absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce", she said scornfully.

Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So, when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us shouting, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms!".

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today. Please don't tell our son.".

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young anymore. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.".

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. But, I felt it was easier to carry her.

Perhaps, the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown bigger.".

I smiled. But, I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously, I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. He said, "Dad, it's time to carry mum out.".

To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I would change my mind, at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But, her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.".

I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.".

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs.

Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew. I won't divorce. I'm serious.".

She looked at me, astonished. Then, she touched my forehead saying, "You got no fever.".

Then, I moved her hand off my head and told her this.

"Sorry, Dew. I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now, I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So, I will have to just say sorry to you."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed by the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

And, I meant it this time round.

First lesson

2006-07-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

It takes me years to learn these.

The roots of happiness, are not found in the search of success, self-esteem, or self-improvement but in an honest commitment to an inward spiritual practice and an outward practice of unselfish service to others.

I'm not there, yet.

But.. I really know what I want, or least for now. I must quote whatever I mean. I must mark my words, seriously. If not.. I will be writing about the same, old things, and having the same, old resolutions all over again.

This isn't what I meant, though.

Human nature is fundamentally gentle, and creative, and it's important for us to recognise this. If we examine the nature of our lives, we find that from the moment of birth until we die, human affection plays a crucial role in ensuring not only that we feel satisfied, but even that we survive. The fact is, everybody need to live together in harmony, and working hand in hand. 'Tolerance' and 'mutual support' are essential factors.

One thing for sure, humans do change. Nobody can deny it. Life is just so dramatic as ever. Often, we have become so engrossed in its pursuit that, almost without knowing it, we have neglected to foster the most basic needs for love, kindness, cooperation and caring. If we 'lose' this vital humanity, what's the point of pursuing only material improvements?

They will just be yet, just another frame of success. And, in the long run, efforts will be gone down in the drains. Failures will cover them up, and cast them aside. That's how pathetic life is. If only one knows the 'right'way to live.. Who knows?

In recent times, I thought back. Finally, I managed to keep still, and enlighten myself. I wasn't happy because I was making myself unhappy. All along, I was the main culprit. I keep silence, and acted strong. Then, I will vent all my frustruations, aimlessly in a website called - 'blog'. It is an internet private space for all walks of life.

I realised I was wrong. I wrote for the wrong reasons. I attracted people to write as I wanted their attentions. I want to be the centre of everything. I yearn to be famous overnight, just like 'Rocky', 'Xiaxue', 'Mr Brown' and all other prominent online figures. I am not like that. I don't want to.

I am myself. I am somebody my mother gives birth to. I am a girl whom my father dotes on. I am a sister treasure by my two brothers. Appearances can be deceiving. Don't judge a book by its cover. However so, I am happy to be born, into this world. Like my name, I want to bring joy to others in this world. Peace will never prevail, forever. But, I suppose I can do my part to contribute to the society, too. I want to help the people around. I want to save the world, and environment.

Many things cannot be changed in life. It's all pre-destined, I guess. The more you want something to happen, the more it will never happen. So, what for? It's pointless to cling onto something, or rather someone so tightly. As a result, there will only be miserable burdens. I remembered a friend saying this before, "You can be who you want to be.".

Don't just pray for world peace. What's the use when you are struggling inside? One needs to practice and cultivate our inner sense of peace, and well-being before trying anything else. I really get it, now. Nothing is ever too late. If we set our hearts into something, I am sure we will surely have that determination to go through that path. Nothing's hard in this world. We just gotta to work things out, ourselves.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In life, we need to cope with many, many things. We need to handle academic anxuety, assertiveness, death, discrimination, family, friends, image, self-esteem and as such. Normall, anyone is busy. One will have not time to bother others. But.. If we can manage time, why not? I am looking forward to more outings, and gatherings with old friends. Today, I am still trying hard to adapt in school. I am not giving up. Instead, I choose to be the person I want to be. I declined to be active. I am evolving to aim to score well, and maintain good working relationships with people in there.

I believe I can make it. I am on time, now. I will deal with criticisms effectively. All I need is 5 minutes of success, of which is, followed by 5 minutes of failure. After that, I will continue, and move on with life.

Talent + Failure = Success

Admit it.

The Big Nose

2006-07-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

"Once, there was a boy named Don.

Don has a big fat nose. All the children made fun of him, and student called Don a Mr. Fat Nose. One day, room 180 was having free time. One girl named Anny saw Don's big fat nose. Then Anny shout out, "HA , HA! Look everybody, Don has a big fat nose." Then Don said, "No I don't have a big...." Then, Don was very sad.

Then Don ran out of the room, and he got in trouble. Don went home and told his mother all about it. While Don was telling his mother about his nose, his mother laughed and said, "Having a big nose is not bad at all."

After his mother told him that, he went back to school, and Don told Anny all about the stuff that his mother told him about his big fat nose. Then, Anny learned a lesson that a big fat nose is not bad. So.. Then on Monday, no one made fun of Don. But, Anny grew a big toe, and she screamed."

Honestly, this is indeed an encouraging story for me. I feel touched. For what, I don't know why. Since young, I have been defeated by this monster called 'inferiority complex'. It makes me feel so tiny as possible. I have often been seen as a small creature. I looked weird. I felt weird - just being myself. I think the whole world is mocking at me. if not, why do I hear all those jeerings all around?

'Cos I'm ugly?

I really don't know. Now, I seem to lost track. Should I say 'completely'? I have tons to say. Yet, I don't remember as much things as before. AND.. Somehow, I'm speechless. I just need to write it down now, though I have nothing in particular to write about.

I want to grow up. I really want to. If not, I will never. I don't want to stick around people. i don't want to be like this. I don't want to be a failure. But.. Why? I'm darn sad now. I want to feel better, that's all. I don't expect much.

I noticed that my inner self is the ultimate culprit to bring me down It always say hurtful and insulting remarks to make me feel sad. I'm not so useless lo. I really hate it, man. I never like being rejected. Let alone by myself. It sounds even sillier. It makes me more maddens. Life is just so sickening!

I'm trying hard, now. Really. I want to defeat that voice inside me. I want to win the battle. I want to be back myself, again. I really want. I just need to. If I'm not going to help myself, nobody is going too. I'm all alone. I have to overcome all obstacles sooner or later. Oh man. how lovely..

Things to do now:-

Stop thinking I'm fat.
Admit that I'm not ugly.
Think that I'm clever.
Save up to make myself a beautiful hairstyle.
Wash face regularly.
Try sleep early to stop eye bags, pimples and dark eye rings.
Revise my work regularly.
Strive hard in life.
Do what I think is important, right now.

That's all. No point in writing down hundreds of them and achieving none of it. I'm working hard now. Please don't disturb. Status: Busy right now.

Best wishes.

BACK talk

2006-07-02T12:21:00.001+08:00

"You shouldn't have lied."

"Why?"

"You just couldn't 'cos you're in no position to do so."

Sometimes, I hate you to the core. Really. Why must you always do this to me? Why are you hitting me down when I'm already approaching the ending point? Why do you stop me from achieving my goals? Why must I listen to you? Where are you when I'm suffering? Why can't you let me, once in a while?

Honestly, I never know the real meaning of 'hatred'. All I know is.. It's a mixed feeling nobody ever wants to get. I have long put revenges and desires off my back. But, why? Why do you keep making me think of them, again? Why must you turn me into such a monster? What did I do to deserve this?

I'm really shagged. I'm on the nerve of breaking. I really, really don't know what else to do. People think I'm mad. I'm tagged with the weird labels. 'Cos of you?

I'm dead. I wished to hear no more. I just yearn for peace and silence. I'm never going to welcome you with open arms. I want you completely out of my life. Forever. These days have passed by, fast. In a short, 18 years. Isn't this enough?

So what if you emerge wisdom from experience? Will you be happy? Are you happy, now? I absolutely don't think so. Somehow, you are just this pathetic, little creature. You don't have all the care and concern you ought to have. Everybody shun you like hell. Nobody like you, at all. Don't you feel ashamed? Please.. Just go away.

You don''t work for good causes. You always want to be the centre of everything. You need people's attentions, seriously. If not, I think you will die. You are nothing but a - clown. You know what that means? You really do?

Those irrelevant pursuits are drifting you away from reality. You have changed. Today, you bear nothing but hindrance. You have lost your identify. You are no longer one of us. You are you. You are not us, anymore. Like I say.. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, stop thinking about it.

Often, you say you will think about it. Yet, you seem to be stuck forever. You have no idea to do anything. All you does all day is to follow people blindly. Why did you choose to be led by the nose? You are such a pain. I looked down on you.

Why?

Please be awake. Pretty please. I need you to be yourself , again. Not that yourself, but this yourself. You really need to grow up. You have to be independent. You need to stand on your own. You can't follow. You need to lead youself. Only you can pick yourself up, again. Do you understand? Do you hear? Do you hear? Do you?

This is not enough. All the things you said.. You should hear this. You should see them. You should judge things, yourself. Ok? I know you can. Maybe you just need a little more time? I really hope you get my message. I want you to grow up, now. Now..

Things happen for good causes. I suppose God has his plans for everybody. One has to make decisions in their lifes. They have to decide things for themselves. You are no exception. I know many things are easier said than done. Still, there's room for improvement. In my opinion, if I can, I can. I'm looking positive now. So..

Life is the most interesting game human beings play and how it ends is anybody's guess. Happy endings, unhappy endings, and those which go on in an aimless sort of way and fade into nothingless. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, you are at a stalemate. Hence, life is always a fair-and-square situation. Almost like a game of noughts and crosses, which perhaps could be symbolically represented by hearts and crosses.

Words can bring you down. But, no matter what they say/are, you are beautiful in your own ways. Just remember this. Mark in words into my own heart. Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.

Good luck.

A girl

2006-06-27T21:09:00.000+08:00

I maybe a girl, but I don't look like one. I maybe a girl, but I don't behave like one. I maybe a girl, but I don't look after myself like one. I maybe be a girl, but Toom is much more a girl than me.

Honestly, I admire him a lot. No.. It's 'she' a lot.

I have learnt lots, through his broadcasted life story. Sometimes, one need not necessarily say much to strive hard. The most important thing is.. To know your main aim in life; fight like a real man or, woman.

Somehow, I felt tiny as compared to Toom. She was much more braver. She never give up becoming her real inner self. She was neither afraid nor ashamed. In fact, she was proud of what she was. She certainly has what it takes. She shot up her own fame, ALL by herself. Indeed, this was something impressionable. Thumbs up for her!

I believe all kinds of people exist in this world. Different people have various types of characters, and personalities. Not just Toom, alone..

Actually, I envy those people who dare to stand up for their OWN rights. They fought TOUGHLY for things they want. They never give up their identities in this society. However dim their hopes were, they were still as determined as ever. This is so.. I'm speechless.

I'm a straight woman. I don't stray off in other directions. Since young, Ma has taught me to be a realistic person. I ought to only got for things that are within my means and will. I must LEARN to cultivate my determination. Only then will I be able to succeed. Like I say, I have got to make myself, have what it takes.

In my opinion, boys should only like girls. Woman should only take fancy of man. That's what I called - right. But today.. I changed my mind. There's nothing, in fact, I can do to change this fact. I have no right to alter anyone's lives. I'm just a - nobody.

Deep down inside my heart, I hope Collin and Kero will be happy forever. It does not concern me whether they are just faking or not. If they do, there's nothing I can do. To me, this is not a fagort's fairy tale. True LOVE can really happen.. Only if you trust it. I do. I'm sure Toom didn't regret her decision, either. I'm feeling joyful for her, TOO. Anything is possible, if you have the confidence and will-power.

These days, I noticed that I have changed. I have become different in all ways. I have yet revolved completely. It's just so - different. Maybe everything's changing too? At least, I supposed too. I'm grateful that I'm ablt to express my thoughts and meet real, nice pals around. There can be many friends. But, it's as hard as ROCK to find sincere buddies to go through ALL storms with you. I'm glad I know who mine were.

I have been roaming outside these days. This just struck me thinking..

I have been a darn fortunate kid. I don't have the perfect looks, or figure. I'm NOT filthy rich, and popular. But.. I have normal, NORMAL figures. This is more than enough. I'm really satisified and contented already. I REALLY don't expect much. I just NEED to brush on, for my self inferiority complex's skills. If not, I will NEVER make it in life. I can't afford to FAIL like last time. I'm NOT a rotten green apple.

I told myself I was a bright, healthy RED apple.

AND.

The most difficult thing is.. Trying not to forget who you really want to be.

I didn't, and I'm still trying like what Toom did.

I'm. So.. Don't ever give up on me. I know I can do it. I really CAN.

I KNOW that.

MAYBE

2006-06-25T14:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if I really think too much.

But.. I always have this feeling. Most of the time, it seems accurate. Oh well. Things are never as lovely as I thought they would be. Somebody is bound to appear out of the blue. He or she will destroy everything. 'Cos nothing is perfect.

Like other girls, I do like to fall in love too. I longed to be loved, adored and cared for. But, why? Why do I always stray off like this? I retreated the moment when I'm closer to a guy. I never feel easy. I keep having the creeps. I give out every signal of 'get lost'. So, what do I want?

I can't stang myself. I can't help it by degrading myself at all times. Since young, I have always been feeling like this. The word is - LOUSY. No matter what I do, I seem to be at the losing end. I'm always being jeered. I feel that people are always looking me with merciless and, strange eyes. What's wrong, then?

Is there anything wrong with me? If not, why do I feel so low? Why can't I even have a littlw, bit of confidence in myself? I seem to lose myself. Am I blind? I'm so scared, you know. Everytime I tries to pull myself up, there will be this someone to push me down, again. They fear that I will rise up. Hence, they pinned me down before I even try to think of getting up.

Actually, the logic is very simple. But, I tend to complicate things. 'Cos I linked many, different things together. I'm extremely vexed, now. Seriously, I don't know what else to do. Neither did I expect too much, nor demand for the impossible. I'm just stuck in that fate of MINE.

I used to believe in first love at sight, and as such. Now, I don't. I know what boys are looking for. I'm NOT into one of their categories. I even have difficulties meeting normal, good friends. I'm just so anti-social. Honestly, I don't like to expose too much to the outside world. I'm just a small figure only. I have no say in anything. I'm always being led by others through the nose. Am I just so useless? Why?

I'm an introvert. The worst of the worse. Sometimes, I can't even stand myself. I'm petty, greedy, kiasu, kiasi, evil, sill, idiotic, slow in thinking, boring, lame, fat, ugly, someone who can't speak properly, etc.

Why do I care so much, when people don't even care?

Why?

There are lots more to say.

Really.

I'm just so tired, forever. Am I really beyond cure? I don't want. I have no ill intentions. But, why do I receive all these treatments? If you treat people good, he or she does not necessarily need to reciprocate your 'good' feelings. There is no need for that. In their eyes, I'm just a nobody.

A really, really, REAL nobody.

Oh well..

THESE days

2006-06-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

Times really passed. School's going to start, again next week, in the blink of an eye. And.. I will have to drag myself to that world of pretence. Oh how lovely. Somehow, I just hope I can vanish into the thin air, right now. I'm so darned DEAD tired.

The JB camp was alright. It was like alright. As usual, I know many people. But.. I'm never the social type. I'm just an empty shell; so quiet and JUST quiet AGAIN. Unlike others, I don't mind silence. I can stay like that for as long as I like. I do LIKE to talk. But, I wouldn't if I don't feel like to.

Honestly, I don't like about camps. 'Cos they have always been the same. Since young, this WHOLE idea just struck me.. completely BLANK. And..

The MAIN reason is - IT'S SO DARNED FAKE!

Occasionally, I will wave and say hi if I 'happen' to meet these camp friends within the school compound. Other than that, I guess I wouldn't be bothered. It will just be a BIG good-bye to them. (Or rather, in any other ways.)

Actually, I'm quite selfish and inner-oriented. I'm sorry, but I'm just like THIS. Ops.. Sheesh. Sometimes, i just can't help it by saying all these craps. I know they are bullshits, though.

In my opinion, I think that the main objective of the camp isn't there at all. 'Cos.. FIRST, there are 107 ccas in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. SECOND, Environmental Rangers Society is a club with no skills at all. People were already looking us in a weird way. Like I say, the name of the club always speak itself. It's FUNNY to have such club existing. Let alone all those management people?

Also, for Ninja-do. Honestly with NO offence, I wonder what the hell is going on. I have no conflicts with all martial arts groups. I'm NOT as indifferent as those historical people from the past. I have no wish to know of what exactly happened to strike off the bad flames between Tae-kwan-do and Ninja-do. WHAT I want to know is WHY isn't Mark OR Derrick doing anything? I know they are NOT bothered. But, don't they feel disorganised? Actually, there are tons that they don't know. I just don't want the club to shrink anymore. I know we can't afford to lose any of our LOYAL members.

I'm an extremely paronoid person. I get worried over every single little details, OR things. I'm a deep and extra thinker. I'm just being TOO overly sensitive to comments being passed around. I'm a snob. It's sad, you know?

I merely just WANT to be a better person; to be respected, loved and cared by others. I wanted to do many other things. But, i jutst can't.. My strengths are limited. I'm just a human, after all. That's the most crucial fact.

I belong to the feminine's side. Naturally, I will act cute, especially in front of opposite sexes. I'm NOT implying that I like to flirt or I'M now. It's just that I always got this STRANGE feeling, la. Maybe once again.. I think TOO, TOO, TOO much. Perhaps.

Hopefully, I'm WRONG la. I don't want to care so much about these, anyway.. I'm far too busy. Oh well..

I keep saying I wnat to be a better person. Yet, I still repeat and commit the SAME mistakes all over AND over, again. Why? Why am I like this? How do I STOP myself from becoming like this? I really wish to see no more. I want to be a sweet and polite girl. I want to be the model girl-next-door whom everybody will take reference of me as a ROLE MODEL. I must get my feelings captured.

So.. From now on, I must/should

Stop talking BAD THINGS about people.
Control my thinking and, behaviours.
Respect OTHERS.
Don't talk back or ill of OTHERS.
Don't flirt with boys and, men.
Avoid giving people the impression that I also like him/ her.
Start to SAVE and NOT TO SPEND.
Save power (lights, etc)
Don't WASTE food.
Be a dilligent student who only knows how to study.
Have MORE confidence in myself.
I'll add on if I managed to think MORE.
NEVER be lovesick OR boys' crazy.
Don't use vulgarities.
....

Right now, I'm so tired. My brain has ceased to function long ago. Oh well. I'm sleeping now. Maybe I will add on when I'm free. I miss my mother a lot.

Typical TRAITS

2006-06-22T15:12:00.000+08:00

Dear,

How are you?

It has been a long time since I talked to you, again. Life has been 'great' for me. I have been through what I ought to know. That strong, sudden urge is not there, anymore. Perhaps.. I have grown up, finally.

After all, life is not just all about love. There are indeed, many other things to purse in one's life. Thank you so much. I'm happy that I know you. Everything was so nice, then. What you left has imprinted me. I am a duplicate of you. Time has yet prove me wrong.

I am still feeling tired. Do you know so many things have happened all these while? You weren't with. But, it's alright. I'm used to it, anymore. I just feel like getting things all off my chest, that's all. I'm not thinking too much. No worries then. I'm just ok.

Honestly, I get what you mean. What is not yours, will never be yours. I'm still like before; a naive and wilful little girl. No.. I'm a woman now. Remember I have evolved already, ya? Haha. In my opinion, sweet things should only be kept short and simple. I have always been like this. No wonder I lost many of my friends and hurt tons of purest hearts.

But, why? Why do I still like this, now? Why am I abusing my freedom to torture others? I'm such a failure. Maybe.. I really deserved all the miseries, right now. I'm just so tired. When can I ever get to have a rest? I seriously need it can. Oh..

I used to think that I loved you a lot. In the end, I was wrong. I cannot even differentiate the true feelings of mine. I'm just so terrible. I used to think of death everyday when you leave me. In the end, I woke up. Life is not all just about love. I don't need to envy others. I used to dream of being with you. In the end, I realised that heaven and earth can never meet. That's why it's impossible.

I really know what I'm supposed to do, now. Sometimes, I still kind of miss you, too. It's just a typical missing taste of someone whom I know for a very long time. What's gone can never be found back, once more. I really learnt that. It made me went through a lot.

Right now, I appreciate the silence of life. I love the sounds of nature and wails of the seas. It made me find back myself, and be satisified with happiness. I'm not like a battering ram, as compared to back then. I'm back to myself.. I hope you are happy, also.

Sometimes, I still get steamed up. Occasionally, I become indifferent, too. Nevertheless, I'm learning. Like before, I just need the time; kindly more of them please. According to Astrology And Horoscopes, I often give the impression of being very self-confident but yet, I'm not. My appearance is capable of fooling the public, 'cos I'm just as insecure as others and a liitle bit better at covering my plastic mask up.

I admit I'm. I'm not good at deceit or pretence.

I'm just a human; a normal one. So.. I'm just a selfish brat at times. I'm really an extremely competitive woman. I get on people's nerve easily. I did stupid and, silly things and as such. I cannot be led or compelled but, easily deceived or seduced. This sounds ironic, though. Whatever it is, I just need to do my job as a human properly will do. It's certainly more than enough.

I had lots of conflicts and disputes with many people. But, I do care and mind a lot. It's just that I pretend I don't.. 'Cos I don't how to pretend I do. I'm grateful to true, sincere friends who are there for me. Being there does not really mean there physically. It can be in various forms. You know I know can le. At least, I know you first.

I'm grateful to boys who like or love me. But sadly to say, I don't. They are just boys, small ones.

Maybe I have yet attained that maturity level, now. Or rather, I still prefer you? I don't like the feeling of rejection. It means people turn you down 'cos of other reasons. It makes one hurt, disappoined, sad and angry. I know. I really do. But, I have no choice, either. Maybe relationships need planning I suppose.

Actually, till today, I'm still lacking in tons of confidence. I always lose myself 'cos I don't trust myself. i always have this feeling that people are always looking at me, be it in school, work or when I'm walking out onto streets. I really don't know why.

There seem to have eyes wandering all about me, from head to toe. Maybe I'm too paranoid, I guess? I want to be a better person. I can be one I believe. I just need more time, seriously. I decided to talk less and think more. Success is not a matter of words. It is a built up of courage, determination, efforts and personal self. I know I can.

I will be a better woman, for myself.

Lastly, I still love you and, please bless my family while you are up there. I'm really very happy then when we are together. It's ok we are not meant to be. I will find and be happier with someone in the future. Still, I treasured and engraved those memories deep inside me. I'm locking my heart, now.

Be in peace.